Why do people try to push you to date? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 01:10 PM Thread Starter
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Why do people try to push you to date?

He hasn't even been served yet (will be by the end of the year) and I have two friends pushing me to date. I had get snippy with one of them because she was over the top pushing it. I think it's because she was screwing everyone starting a couple months before she and her husband finally broke up. The other knows I was in a sexless marriage and is all happy for me that I can have sex again.

The thought of dating terrifies me. The thought of sex with someone else is even more terrifying. In my mind my own husband didn't want me, why the heck would someone else? Yes, I know I need to work on that. I need to work on me.

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 01:26 PM
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Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

People push others to do thing that they themselves enjoy in the misguided attempt to make them happy. I like Thai food, so I'm going to try to convince my friends to try Thai food because I want them to enjoy it the way I do. Its misguided, but I think it is a legitimate attempt to be nice.

As to the other part, most likely your sexless marriage was entirely due to him. People in relationships with low desire, asexual, porn-addicted etc partners often feel that they are at fault. They almost never are.

If you are a nice person who enjoys intimacy and passion and enjoys pleasing others, there will be plenty of men who will desire you. I think that when you finally get together with someone who cares about you, who is attracted to you, who enjoys pleasing you, you will be amazed at how wonderful it is.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 01:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
People push others to do thing that they themselves enjoy in the misguided attempt to make them happy. I like Thai food, so I'm going to try to convince my friends to try Thai food because I want them to enjoy it the way I do. Its misguided, but I think it is a legitimate attempt to be nice.

As to the other part, most likely your sexless marriage was entirely due to him. People in relationships with low desire, asexual, porn-addicted etc partners often feel that they are at fault. They almost never are.

If you are a nice person who enjoys intimacy and passion and enjoys pleasing others, there will be plenty of men who will desire you. I think that when you finally get together with someone who cares about you, who is attracted to you, who enjoys pleasing you, you will be amazed at how wonderful it is.
Perhaps you are right. The one friend who knows about my sexless marriage is married, but is always checking men out and commenting on their looks or their bodies. Her husband is a total jacka$$, but she's still married. I also found out recently that she's cheated on him twice. I wish she hadn't told me that. I had no idea.

I know my sexless marriage wasn't my fault. The sex basically stopped after the honeymoon, as did the dating. The only time it wasn't sexless is when he was cheating on me. It was slightly better after we both did IC after he admitted to the cheating. It was my fault for putting up with it so long. For now, I have zero interest in dating.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 01:55 PM
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Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

I've been apart from my husband for over 5 years (not yet divorced) and I still don't really want to date. I can't understand my friends who are in bed with someone else before the divorce decree is final. I need to finish healing from the number he did on me before I start thinking about someone new. If that day never comes I won't like it but I will accept it. I honestly don't see the point in dating if you're still not capable of trusting again.
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 01:57 PM
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Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

People are pushing you to date because they think it will make you happy. Don't pay attention to them. You'll date when you are ready. I didn't consider dating at all until the judge signed the official divorce decree (I felt it would have been cheating) and still waited well past that to date someone regularly although it was still a casual relationship. The wait was because it took that long for me to feel happy again by myself. Just do what feels right to you and don't worry about developing a relationship with someone else until your mind and heart is back in a good place.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 02:01 PM
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Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

What works for others may not work for you. They probably see this as an opportunity for you, not a problem to face and overcome. They probably mean well, but are clueless about how and why you feel unready to take that step for a while. No doubt you are worthy of someone - you'll be ready when you believe that, too.

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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 02:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

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Originally Posted by Hellomynameis View Post
I've been apart from my husband for over 5 years (not yet divorced) and I still don't really want to date. I can't understand my friends who are in bed with someone else before the divorce decree is final. I need to finish healing from the number he did on me before I start thinking about someone new. If that day never comes I won't like it but I will accept it. I honestly don't see the point in dating if you're still not capable of trusting again.
I have serious trust issues and I realize that I need to get a grip on that first.

I don't understand hopping in bed with others before it's final, either. You are right. It is cheating! And, even though he cheated on my physically and emotionally over the years, I still wouldn't cheat on him. And, we are legally separating, so I'm not sure I'll get past that. I wonder if I'll have that legally separated still means legally married part will affect things. But, for now, it's what I have to do.

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
People are pushing you to date because they think it will make you happy. Don't pay attention to them. You'll date when you are ready. I didn't consider dating at all until the judge signed the official divorce decree (I felt it would have been cheating) and still waited well past that to date someone regularly although it was still a casual relationship. The wait was because it took that long for me to feel happy again by myself. Just do what feels right to you and don't worry about developing a relationship with someone else until your mind and heart is back in a good place.
I'm much happier now that he's out of the picture, but I got so lost and messed up in this marriage that I don't even know who I am. I don't even know if my likes are really his that were pushed onto me. I have no self-esteem. I imagine I'll be in therapy a long time. Dating just doesn't fit in at this point and is way too scary to even consider.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-19-2016, 09:06 AM
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Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

I don't know your story Prunus, but things will return to a new normal with time. It took me less time than I imagined (about 9 months) to get into my own routine again and be back to my old happy self. I went on a couple of dates before I was ready and looking back at that time, I don't know what I was thinking. My XWW was still on my mind and my identity was skewed. Of course that translated into really boring dates with little for me to talk. Therapy can work great, but really a little time will also work wonders by itself.

As far as the trust issues that you have, well, I can relate to that. My solution has been to date casually because you don't need the same level of trust in someone that you aren't committed to. Instead I just date to have fun, because it's nice to have companionship for going to the movies, or out to dinner, or for some silly adventure. Remember that dating and having a committed relationship are two separate things and just because you go out with someone doesn't mean that it has to lead to anything. It's OK to date just for adult socialization and if you decide you want something different in the future then go for it.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-19-2016, 09:44 AM
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Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

trust your instincts then!

don't be pushed into something you don't really want to do, just because people say you should.
why do they do it? for all the reasons pointed out by posters above. don't let society tell you what's 'normal'.

my grandma lost her husband when she was still young (30's)and never dated again in her life.
my aunt also lost her husband around 55 years old and never dated again.

i was single for many, many years and happy. and when i say 'single', i mean single, no dating.
some people thought i was 'odd'. so what? my real friends knew who i was.

i dance to my own tune. and have been happy for it. then, many years later i began dating again, yearned for a woman in my life.
went through a series of relationships to find the right woman (some bad, some good).
now i'm married and happy, but only when i was good and ready. in my time. not anybody else's.
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-19-2016, 10:06 AM
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Cool Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

Primarily because "bliss loves bliss," meaning that your friends feel sorry for you, in that they believe that you don't really need the initial trauma of the inherent loneliness of what separation brings, and also the age-old wives tale that "misery loves company!"


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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-19-2016, 11:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

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Primarily because "bliss loves bliss," meaning that your friends feel sorry for you, in that they believe that you don't really need the initial trauma of the inherent loneliness of what separation brings, and also the age-old wives tale that "misery loves company!"
I was alone the entire marriage. It feels great to be on my own, despite the bad reaction I had yesterday.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-19-2016, 11:55 AM
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Cool Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

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I was alone the entire marriage. It feels great to be on my own, despite the bad reaction I had yesterday.
My answer was implicitly as to why people like to matchmake their unemcumbered friends!

Loneliness is either an inflicted or a self-inflicted byproduct of a faulty relationship where the needs to adequately foster it are totally being ignored or are far from being met!

Now that you are approaching D, it is now solely up to you to combat that loneliness by going out and meeting new and vivacious people or to throw yourself at and to embrace new hobbies and activities!

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Last edited by arbitrator; 12-19-2016 at 12:01 PM.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-19-2016, 12:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

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My answer was implicitly as to why people like to matchmake their unemcumbered friends!

Loneliness is either an inflicted or a self-inflicted byproduct of a faulty relationship where the needs to adequately foster it are totally being ignored or are far from being met!

Now that you are approaching D, it is now solely up to you to combat that loneliness by going out and meeting new and vivacious people or to throw yourself at and to embrace new hobbies and activities!
Absolutely!
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-19-2016, 12:30 PM
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Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

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I have serious trust issues and I realize that I need to get a grip on that first.

I don't understand hopping in bed with others before it's final, either. You are right. It is cheating! And, even though he cheated on my physically and emotionally over the years, I still wouldn't cheat on him. And, we are legally separating, so I'm not sure I'll get past that. I wonder if I'll have that legally separated still means legally married part will affect things. But, for now, it's what I have to do.

I'm much happier now that he's out of the picture, but I got so lost and messed up in this marriage that I don't even know who I am. I don't even know if my likes are really his that were pushed onto me. I have no self-esteem. I imagine I'll be in therapy a long time. Dating just doesn't fit in at this point and is way too scary to even consider.
Even though he's defiled the marriage, the fact that you chose not to cheat speaks highly of your integrity.
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 12-19-2016, 03:20 PM
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Re: Why do people try to push you to date?

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Originally Posted by prunus View Post

I'm much happier now that he's out of the picture, but I got so lost and messed up in this marriage that I don't even know who I am. I don't even know if my likes are really his that were pushed onto me. I have no self-esteem. I imagine I'll be in therapy a long time. Dating just doesn't fit in at this point and is way too scary to even consider.
Its good that you realize this and are respecting yourself this way. Don't let anyone push you.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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