How do I ask for a separation - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 06:06 AM Thread Starter
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How do I ask for a separation

Won't go into any great details but I'm unhappy with my marriage and I've done the talking and it seems begging too but my husband can't, won't or isn't capable of giving me what I need. I'm really lonely and out of that I reached out to a stranger online where we basically sexted and I know I'm feeling guilty over this but what scared me so much is how I was willing to do something t hat is so against my nature because I'm not being fulfill in my marriage.
II have two boys and I don't want to hurt them but this is too hard. I'm crying all the time, I'm depressed because I'm with someone who doesn't want me but won't say it. He wants things to remain the same. I basically have a friend with benefit situation. I still cook, clean take care of the home but living a separate life. I've moved to the spare bedroom and he doesn't care and haven't said anything. I'm posting on TAM because I'm puzzled by his behavior but the bottom line is he doesn't love me anymore but is just not saying it so I feel I'm holding hope. I need for him to release me from this.

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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 06:12 AM
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Re: How do I ask for a separation

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Originally Posted by maritalloneliness View Post
Won't go into any great details but I'm unhappy with my marriage and I've done the talking and it seems begging too but my husband can't, won't or isn't capable of giving me what I need. I'm really lonely and out of that I reached out to a stranger online where we basically sexted and I know I'm feeling guilty over this but what scared me so much is how I was willing to do something t hat is so against my nature because I'm not being fulfill in my marriage.
II have two boys and I don't want to hurt them but this is too hard. I'm crying all the time, I'm depressed because I'm with someone who doesn't want me but won't say it. He wants things to remain the same. I basically have a friend with benefit situation. I still cook, clean take care of the home but living a separate life. I've moved to the spare bedroom and he doesn't care and haven't said anything. I'm posting on TAM because I'm puzzled by his behavior but the bottom line is he doesn't love me anymore but is just not saying it so I feel I'm holding hope. I need for him to release me from this.

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I was going to respond kindly to this, until I read the part where you cheated. This post is all about justifying your rotten behavior. Your behavior is obviously not against your nature because you did it. And, you should feel guilty. It's your husband's feelings you should be more concerned about because when he finds out, he's going to be crushed.

You end your marriage before you enter a relationship with someone else! End of story!
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 06:20 AM
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Cool Re: How do I ask for a separation

Just do the honorable thing and leave him! Apparently, you are just as accountable for the downfall of this relationship, perhaps moreso, than he is!

As long as you have the resources and a place to go, you really need to cut the apron string! This is not a marriage and likely will never be again!

Do the both of you a favor!

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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 06:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How do I ask for a separation

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Originally Posted by prunus View Post
I was going to respond kindly to this, until I read the part where you cheated. This post is all about justifying your rotten behavior. Your behavior is obviously not against your nature because you did it. And, you should feel guilty. It's your husband's feelings you should be more concerned about because when he finds out, he's going to be crushed.

You end your marriage before you enter a relationship with someone else! End of story!
Listen, I'm not asking for your criticism. You have no clue what is going on that's why I didn't put down my history but to give you some background. Found out 4 years ago that he was cheating with my SIL. I forgave him and was working on fixing the marriage. You know what judge away. I can't rewrite this, again.

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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 06:50 AM
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Re: How do I ask for a separation

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Listen, I'm not asking for your criticism. You have no clue what is going on that's why I didn't put down my history but to give you some background. Found out 4 years ago that he was cheating with my SIL. I forgave him and was working on fixing the marriage. You know what judge away. I can't rewrite this, again.

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No, I don't 100% know you're story. But, I do know that you cheated. That's not a judgement. That's a fact. Just because he cheated, doesn't make it right. I've lived part of your story. I was cheated on both physically and emotionally over the past two decades. We lived as roommates. It was a sexless marriage. I chose to finally put an end to it. The thought of cheating never crossed my mind. It wasn't because I didn't crave sex and attention, it was because it's wrong.
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 07:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How do I ask for a separation

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No, I don't 100% know you're story. But, I do know that you cheated. That's not a judgement. That's a fact. Just because he cheated, doesn't make it right. I've lived part of your story. I was cheated on both physically and emotionally over the past two decades. We lived as roommates. It was a sexless marriage. I chose to finally put an end to it. The thought of cheating never crossed my mind. It wasn't because I didn't crave sex and attention, it was because it's wrong.
My cheating consisted of several private chats about what I and him liked during sex to a complete stranger over a 2 day period. No emotional attachment were ever established. I'm not sure if I'm using the right wording when stated I "sexted " on a forum but I did know that it was wrong and I stopped and blocked this person from reaching out to me. I'm not looking for anyone's approval. I can and did police my own behavior and in no way do I want or need to compare what I did to what my husband did carrying on an affair with my SIL. I just felt so wrong in that I'm frightened and nervous that I can do that and since I had been willing to cross that threshold really means that I no longer have a marriage to fight for. If that makes any sense.

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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 07:31 AM
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Re: How do I ask for a separation

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My cheating consisted of several private chats about what I and him liked during sex to a complete stranger over a 2 day period. No emotional attachment were ever established. I'm not sure if I'm using the right wording when stated I "sexted " on a forum but I did know that it was wrong and I stopped and blocked this person from reaching out to me. I'm not looking for anyone's approval. I can and did police my own behavior and in no way do I want or need to compare what I did to what my husband did carrying on an affair with my SIL. I just felt so wrong in that I'm frightened and nervous that I can do that and since I had been willing to cross that threshold really means that I no longer have a marriage to fight for. If that makes any sense.

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It sounds like you've already decided it wasn't worth fighting for based on the title of your post.
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 07:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How do I ask for a separation

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It sounds like you've already decided it wasn't worth fighting for based on the title of your post.
I don't know what else to do. He's apathetic when it comes to the marriage. I've been open about what I need from him and he attempts to change for 1-2 weeks then it's back to status quo. I tried to change and give him what he wants but he won't talk about his needs not even in MC.

When I told him what I did, he didn't think it was a big deal and he wondered why I felt a need to tell him. He didn't view it as inappropriate.

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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 03:38 PM
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Re: How do I ask for a separation

Don't ask for separation/divorce -- tell him that you plan to file for separation/divorce.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 04:05 PM
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Re: How do I ask for a separation

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I need for him to release me from this.

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No, you don't. The only person who can release you is YOU.

You mentioned children. Children live what they learn. Your marriage and interactions with your husband is their model for an adult romantic relationship. Do you want them growing up to think roommates with wedding rings who sleep separately and don't show affection is how it's supposed to be?


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 04:17 PM
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Re: How do I ask for a separation

maritalloneliness,

Recognize projection here when it occurs and protect yourself and the people you care about by blocking the individuals perpetrating it. (Blocking is a feature you can access in this forum, via the Control Panel, if I recall correctly). You owe such people nothing, and the shame they would dish out is not yours to eat, but someone else's. There will be plenty of time for you to sort out the mistakes you made and their significance, and what you should do about it (if anything) later. Make an appointment with yourself to fully assess what has happened, including your contributions, for some date after your situation is more stable (and in the meantime, if it seems relevant to you, learn the difference between guilt and shame, as Brene Brown describes in her book "I thought it was just me."). Give yourself permission to focus on the tasks at hand.

Gus is correct. If it is framed in your mind as something you must "ask" for, that worries me. You don't need his permission. You decide when it is time to end this marriage, at least in the moral sense.

In the legal sense? -- well, that's something that varies from location to location, so search on Google for "divorcing in _________", substituting the name of your state or province. You could also look here: State Divorce Laws - Divorce Source or Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Legal Book - Nolo

Another place to start is to call an Attorney's office and setup an initial consultation. Some lawyers provide such consultations for free, or for a fee that is deferred until and only if you proceed to retain them to handle your case. Others charge an upfront fee.

Are you isolated from folks in real life that can help point you in the right direction?
Do you have resources to find a lawyer and perhaps hire one?
Are you worried about how you could support yourself in the interim and/or after the divorce?

It is good you are paying attention to what is going on inside you. It is good you are finding courage to act. No one deserves the sort of relationship it sounds like you've been living. Take care of yourself. Trust that you are worth it.

"We are only here briefly, and in this moment I want to allow myself joy." -- Amy, from Spike Jonze's "Her"
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 04:28 PM
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Re: How do I ask for a separation

I agree with Gus. You don't ask for a separation or divorce you tell him that is what you are going to do. If you ask and he says No then what do you do?
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 04:06 AM
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Re: How do I ask for a separation

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Originally Posted by prunus View Post
No, I don't 100% know you're story. But, I do know that you cheated. That's not a judgement. That's a fact. Just because he cheated, doesn't make it right. I've lived part of your story. I was cheated on both physically and emotionally over the past two decades. We lived as roommates. It was a sexless marriage. I chose to finally put an end to it. The thought of cheating never crossed my mind. It wasn't because I didn't crave sex and attention, it was because it's wrong.
Then your comments are less than 100% helpful.


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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 05:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How do I ask for a separation

The worst thing about this is that I feel irrational for wanting more from the relationship. We don't argue, yell or fight. It's just that after 20 years, there has to be more. Or am I being stupid. He's t here for the kids. There's just no intimacy or interest. If I go through with this. I don't want the kids to blame me .

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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 07:15 AM
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Re: How do I ask for a separation

Why do you think you accept so little for yourself?

"We are only here briefly, and in this moment I want to allow myself joy." -- Amy, from Spike Jonze's "Her"
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