Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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post #16 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 09:29 PM
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

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Not great, I'm HD and she is... I'm not sure. With Bi-polar it can be anything/anyday. But it was an issue (at least on my part).
Oh don't worry... I'm sure she's putting out for her boyfriend.

Dude pull the chord already.


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Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #17 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 07:44 AM
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

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You guys are right and I am working on establishing boundaries.

As far as money/divorce, we don't own much (due to her bankrupting us), and we are going for a dissolution, which is cheaper. She originally said she won't go after my retirement if i would pay for the bankruptcy. Sounded good to me over the long haul, so I am trying to play nice right now until we can get permission from the bankruptcy court to proceed with divorce.
And, you're going to start trusting her word now? For what reason, exactly?
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post #18 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 09:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

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And, you're going to start trusting her word now? For what reason, exactly?
Because I'm a chump?

Well, if she reneges on the deal, then she is going to pay her half of all debt. Deal was I pay for bankruptcy and she doesn't touch my retirement (I'm a teacher so not like it's this huge pile of cash).

I hate going through this. I value stability and this turmoil really bothers/messes with me. It's just always there, nagging at me, reminding of my impending stress/struggles over the next 6 months. I'll be so glad when this is over.

And Gus, if all you got is to kick me when I'm down, stay off my thread.

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post #19 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 09:33 AM
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

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I'll be so glad when this is over.
You've answered several questions that you posed earlier with this one statement.

I'm sorry for what you've gone through.
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post #20 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 01:33 PM
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

Gus may be blunt but he has a point.

She admitted to an EA? Have you done ANY research into what cheaters are like and what they say vs what they do? In 99.9999999999% of cases, if they admit to an EA there's also a PA going on.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #21 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 02:30 PM
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

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And Gus, if all you got is to kick me when I'm down, stay off my thread.
That was nothing, sir.

Either way, it's tough to help someone up w/o using your legs.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #22 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 02:31 PM
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

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Gus may be blunt but he has a point.

She admitted to an EA? Have you done ANY research into what cheaters are like and what they say vs what they do? In 99.9999999999% of cases, if they admit to an EA there's also a PA going on.
EA + physical proximity to EAP = PA

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #23 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 02:57 PM
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

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In 99.9999999999% of cases, if they admit to an EA there's also a PA going on.
That's a heck of a specific statistic.

Did you actually witness that many EA/PA situations that you can make that call with such a high degree of certainty?
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post #24 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 05:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

Look, of course she could be lying to me. But this isn't some skank I picked up at a bar. We've been married 18 years, and have had many good times. We ARE different people and she obviously is not satisfied with her life with me anymore, but why cop to the EA and then lie about the PA? I guess I choose to believe her because I have no facts to the contrary. But of course I could be wrong.

And I guess say what you want Gus. I shouldn't let people on the internet rile me, its just a sore spot at the moment, and not something I relish thinking about.

And part of me still wants things to go back to the way they were, even if it wasn't great. Funny how much I really hate change. Or maybe its the fear of dying alone, I don't know, I suck at emotions.
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post #25 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 05:12 PM
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

It's called trickle truth

https://www.chumplady.com/2014/10/tr...kle-nor-truth/

and the reasons for it are as varied as the cheaters are.

Look, if you want to pretend there's nothing wrong go for it. Lots of people do that, and live totally happy pseudo-lives. Some people even manage to live the rest of their lives under this guise of happiness. But when you're ready to hear the truth, you will have to do some digging and a LOT of things that are WAY out of your comfort zone. Like listening to people like Gus.

When you're ready for that let us know cuz we have a whole sh1t ton of info for you then. but right now you're not ready for it.


People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #26 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 06:38 PM
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

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Look, of course she could be lying to me. But this isn't some skank I picked up at a bar. We've been married 18 years, and have had many good times. We ARE different people and she obviously is not satisfied with her life with me anymore, but why cop to the EA and then lie about the PA? I guess I choose to believe her because I have no facts to the contrary. But of course I could be wrong.

And I guess say what you want Gus. I shouldn't let people on the internet rile me, its just a sore spot at the moment, and not something I relish thinking about.

And part of me still wants things to go back to the way they were, even if it wasn't great. Funny how much I really hate change. Or maybe its the fear of dying alone, I don't know, I suck at emotions.
Have you read the book "Awareness" by Anthony DeMello?
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post #27 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 07:05 PM
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

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Originally Posted by unhappyinohio View Post
Look, of course she could be lying to me. But this isn't some skank I picked up at a bar. We've been married 18 years, and have had many good times. WARE different people and she obviously is not satisfied with her life with me anymore, but why cop to the EA and then lie about the PA? I guess I choose to believe her because I have no facts to the contrary. But of course I could be wrong.

And I guess say what you want Gus. I shouldn't let people on the internet rile me, its just a sore spot at the moment, and not something I relish thinking about.

And part of me still wants things to go back to the way they were, even if it wasn't great. Funny how much I really hate change. Or maybe its the fear of dying alone, I don't know, I suck at emotions.
As I see it, you stay with her and be miserable. You will stay miserable until you flat line and flat spine in the casket. This is certain. She is a handful.

Right now she is one of these States of your Dis-Union:

She is happy.
She is more happy.
She is the same {not happy} person.

Sounds like she is better off being on her own. At least one of you is better off....her. That is 50% of the marriage is now happier.

Let us step back into your initial post[s]. You said that you and your children are happier without her utterances and flutter-ences.

If you go by percentages and likelihoods, you are better off doing the mate molt. Actually, she dumped you, feathers and all.

Others on here are concerned if she is cheating. At this point it does not really matter. At least for you. If she found someone else, good for her. Bad for who?

It is not bad for you because she is such a handful. Let her be someone else's problem. Unless you love her a lot more than you let on.

You are a rational man, rather pragmatic and cerebral. Most of the posters on TAM are not that way.

Change....you do not like change? Sorry, life is all about change. Life is always an upheavel, survival of the fittest. We live on a tiny rock in a dangerous Universe.

You will not die alone unless you want to......or you are already a ghost in a carbon based machine. As in....given up.

Pessimism is easy, free and plentiful. Hope and optimism are grasped/gleaned most readily by a determined, strong will and a fierce love of life. Love life as it is. Not how you want it to be.

Continue....to let her go.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #28 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 10:09 AM
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

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Pessimism is easy, free and plentiful. Hope and optimism are grasped/gleaned most readily by a determined, strong will and a fierce love of life. Love life as it is. Not how you want it to be.
This is very well said. I had to read it a couple times. There is so much truth in these 3 sentences.
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post #29 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 10:55 AM
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

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4. Older two don't really want her back. She is spending Christmas day with us for the whole day, and kids are nervous and youngest one is physically ill being worried about it. How do I deal with that??
That alone is all I need to hear. Your kids NEED - physically and mentally NEED - for your home for them to be safe and free of trauma. Your #1 job in life is raising kids who don't get physically ill over their own mom.

If nothing else, tell her once the kids are grown and moved out, you'll reconsider. But I'm sure by then you'll be happily moved on.
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post #30 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 11:29 AM
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Re: Need help/ideas dealing with separation/Divorce

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Originally Posted by unhappyinohio View Post
Look, of course she could be lying to me. But this isn't some skank I picked up at a bar. We've been married 18 years, and have had many good times. We ARE different people and she obviously is not satisfied with her life with me anymore, but why cop to the EA and then lie about the PA? I guess I choose to believe her because I have no facts to the contrary. But of course I could be wrong.

And I guess say what you want Gus. I shouldn't let people on the internet rile me, its just a sore spot at the moment, and not something I relish thinking about.

And part of me still wants things to go back to the way they were, even if it wasn't great. Funny how much I really hate change. Or maybe its the fear of dying alone, I don't know, I suck at emotions.
You are.

Don't worry, though -- you'll find out for yourself before too long.

And I'll warn you now -- don't be surprised if she tries to bring her "friend" over for Christmas or New Year's.

And believe it or not, I'm on your side here. Still, you aren't going to be able to make heads or tails of anything until you see things for exactly what they are. With that in mind, I'll provide a summary...

She's cheating.

She's been cheating since before she moved out.

All of the talk about needing "time and space to find herself" was her way of saying that she wanted time to more fully explore her new relationship (Hell, maybe more than one) before deciding whether or not she wanted to continue in marriage w/ you.

Additionally, until you file for divorce, you're giving her power over you that she doesn't deserve. You are allowing her to keep you -- and your children! -- in a perpetual state of prolonged agony.

Open your eyes, see her bullsh*t for exactly what it is, and cut the cord.

Ignore me if you like, but I'm not the one hurting you at this point.

You are.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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