Staying Friends with Ex's Friends - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 23Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-28-2016, 07:54 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
AVR1962's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,139
Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Good friends are like gold. They do not weather, burnish, corrode or lose their luster.

Keep them and hold them close. They will not be many, therefore they will not be heavy. They are sparse because they are gold.

The rest may be "fools gold". Keep them if they keep you warm.

I agree with @Spicy on this. Most are living their own lives and it is unlikely that they choose/chose to hurt you.

The close friend that you shared your feelings with during Christmas week? She is either a fool or the fool was you. Sorry, people are cruel. People are selfish. She allowed herself to be photographed with the enemy. That is treason. Colluding with the enemy.-----> She is likely weak. Too weak to pick a side. To pick the moral side. Pictures do not lie. Cowards do when forced to stand tall. She folded and lied....prone.
False consonance? False sympathy? Maybe she gave you lip service....before she gave them to your Ex.

People who are taken advantage of are often self-less. As you were and are no longer.

Gaining self is gaining purpose. Purpose is hope fulfilled.

Let Life's Kaleidoscope play out. All of the images are real....let none be viewed with shock or surprise. It is not your eyes or your mind that create the images....it is your "minds eye" that interpret these things.

Only living things can see.....that is still a great blessing!

Love life and do not eyeball the end of the book. It words are not yet written.

Happy New Year! May it be a happy one for you and yours'.
Nicely written and it all makes sense and is how I see and feel about the whole situation. My exhusband was not her friend and he was not close to her husband. She and I did lunches together, we exchanged presents on birthdays. She knew everything that had been going on with the marriage before I filed for divorce and she had been one of my biggest shoulders to lean on. She agreed with me and supported me so this was a shocker. My ex traveled to them to visit but I know he did not have their cell contacts before this. He was friends with her on FaceBook but like I said they were not real friends.

I did text her and I told her that I hoped she could understand where I was coming from but that it is really hard for me to see pics and posts about my ex. I told her I valued her friendship and I hoped we could maintain our relationship off FaceBook. I then took her off my friends' page. She did not reply. So maybe she wasn't that good of a friend to start with. I saw it as an amazing lack of compassion. She and I had been texting all week of Christmas because her adult daughter was giving them issues. I wonder how she would feel if I had flew in and visited her daughter and then posted pics of us on social media. It would not have been any different. She was very well aware of my hurts and to do this was like a knife to the back.

AVR1962 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 02:07 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by AVR1962 View Post
Nicely written and it all makes sense and is how I see and feel about the whole situation. My exhusband was not her friend and he was not close to her husband. She and I did lunches together, we exchanged presents on birthdays. She knew everything that had been going on with the marriage before I filed for divorce and she had been one of my biggest shoulders to lean on. She agreed with me and supported me so this was a shocker. My ex traveled to them to visit but I know he did not have their cell contacts before this. He was friends with her on FaceBook but like I said they were not real friends.

I did text her and I told her that I hoped she could understand where I was coming from but that it is really hard for me to see pics and posts about my ex. I told her I valued her friendship and I hoped we could maintain our relationship off FaceBook. I then took her off my friends' page. She did not reply. So maybe she wasn't that good of a friend to start with. I saw it as an amazing lack of compassion. She and I had been texting all week of Christmas because her adult daughter was giving them issues. I wonder how she would feel if I had flew in and visited her daughter and then posted pics of us on social media. It would not have been any different. She was very well aware of my hurts and to do this was like a knife to the back.
It's odd that your friend had no real relationship with your ex prior to the end of your marriage. It's possible they were communicating the most of that time through a platform or social media that you wouldn't be able to know about. Have you tried to reach out to her husband at all? Not saying you should or even that it's the "right" move, but if you feel comfortable then you might gain some insight.

Good for you to take the step of texting her and letting her know how you feel. However, unfriending her on Facebook might have brought her a good deal of pain as well. Is there a reason you went that route rather than just unfollowing her posts? Not saying it was the wrong move, but she was going to be hurt by that so it might take her some time to reach out to you if she does at all.

The bigger question is whether or not you want a relationship with her at all after this point. It seems like your opinion of her and how she valued your relationship is at an all-time low and it might just be best to let it go for your own well-being.

Sorry about this. Nothing is easy or pleasant when it comes to this stuff it seems.
golfpanther is offline  
post #18 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 09:37 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
AVR1962's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,139
Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
It's odd that your friend had no real relationship with your ex prior to the end of your marriage. It's possible they were communicating the most of that time through a platform or social media that you wouldn't be able to know about. Have you tried to reach out to her husband at all? Not saying you should or even that it's the "right" move, but if you feel comfortable then you might gain some insight.

Good for you to take the step of texting her and letting her know how you feel. However, unfriending her on Facebook might have brought her a good deal of pain as well. Is there a reason you went that route rather than just unfollowing her posts? Not saying it was the wrong move, but she was going to be hurt by that so it might take her some time to reach out to you if she does at all.

The bigger question is whether or not you want a relationship with her at all after this point. It seems like your opinion of her and how she valued your relationship is at an all-time low and it might just be best to let it go for your own well-being.

Sorry about this. Nothing is easy or pleasant when it comes to this stuff it seems.
I have no reason or desire to contact her husband. He and I hardly said a word to one another. I took her off my FaceBook page as this, for me, boiled down to trust and betrayal. She might have been trying to do the Christian thing by staying friends with both sides but with all that has transpired over the last 10 months I really felt the least she could have done was said something to me that my ex was going to be visiting. Really, there was no need to post pics and if she REALLY felt she could not refrain from posting pictures I think it would have been considerate on her part to have customized her post so that I would not see the pics. I would have never done this to her had she been in my position.
AVR1962 is offline  
 
post #19 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 02:36 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,399
Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by AVR1962 View Post
I have no reason or desire to contact her husband. He and I hardly said a word to one another. I took her off my FaceBook page as this, for me, boiled down to trust and betrayal. She might have been trying to do the Christian thing by staying friends with both sides but with all that has transpired over the last 10 months I really felt the least she could have done was said something to me that my ex was going to be visiting. Really, there was no need to post pics and if she REALLY felt she could not refrain from posting pictures I think it would have been considerate on her part to have customized her post so that I would not see the pics. I would have never done this to her had she been in my position.
She might be a friend, but I get the impression that she's not a terribly good friend, and the sad fact is that her behavior has nothing to do with you. She wasn't thinking about you or your ex or anyone else when she posted the pictures. She was thinking about herself, because that is what 90% or people do 90% of the time.

I know it hurts you, but she's not responsible for your feelings. People do insensitive things All. The. Time. I think most people are insensitive by nature. She wasn't intentionally trying to hurt you. I just don't think you're high enough on her radar for her to care how her behavior might affect you.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #20 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 02:44 PM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,349
Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

I think that you will find in time that you will find it hard if not impossible to stay friends with these people. It might be better just to all ties with all people associated with your ex. I think that would be what I would do if it were me. I'd want a complete break of all ties with him.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #21 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 03:01 PM
Member
 
Hellomynameis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Finger Lakes NY
Posts: 198
Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

Didn't have this problem. His friends all chose sides REAL fast. His side. I'm still finding out through the grapevine all the different lies he has told them about me.

I guess I'm lucky in that WS and his crowd don't really do the social media thing. His employer actually REALLY discourages it.
Hellomynameis is offline  
post #22 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 06:34 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
AVR1962's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,139
Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
I think that you will find in time that you will find it hard if not impossible to stay friends with these people. It might be better just to all ties with all people associated with your ex. I think that would be what I would do if it were me. I'd want a complete break of all ties with him.
That's what i decided. Mr "I will sit back and ignore you and the rest of the world" has suddenly become Mr Social especially with my friends. I find this very interesting.
AVR1962 is offline  
post #23 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 07:42 AM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,399
Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hellomynameis View Post
Didn't have this problem. His friends all chose sides REAL fast. His side. I'm still finding out through the grapevine all the different lies he has told them about me.

I guess I'm lucky in that WS and his crowd don't really do the social media thing. His employer actually REALLY discourages it.
Yes, this happened with me as well. Both the part about them choosing sides, and the part about him lying about me. I decided to just cut my losses.

I found an entirely new set of friends, save the few who stuck by me during my divorce. And I feel much more valued and loved now by my new friends than I ever did with the social circle we had when I was married.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #24 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 07:52 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,778
Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

It's it an option to just quit social media altogether?

Your true friends, if they want to reach you, have your number and email address. I quit all social media some years ago and it's really made my life so much simpler. I'm able to focus on the things that matter, not family and "friend" drama that I can live without. Not "friends" kids that successfully went #2 (yaaaaay?). Etc.

It's just a thought.

Eta: I experienced the mutual friend awkwardness as well when I divorced from my ex. I had to get an entirely new set of friends, too. I don't regret it.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I have a problem with my good friends girlfriend PersonInSpace The Men's Clubhouse 24 08-08-2016 06:07 PM
The Female That Refuses to Let the Male have Friends? nataly87 General Relationship Discussion 40 06-18-2016 11:30 PM
When close friends cross the line getting it wrong General Relationship Discussion 24 01-04-2016 05:36 AM
She hasnt moved out and want to be friends menion01 Going Through Divorce or Separation 9 12-15-2015 11:20 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome