Staying Friends with Ex's Friends - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 07:47 PM Thread Starter
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Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

I left my husband 4 months ago. I kept friends on media as is except for my ex. I opened FB today to see this post from one of my ex's friends saying what a "hero" he is. Not only did I not want to see my ex's face but the post was hard for me to read. This man was no "hero." This particular friend went thru a divorce from my best friend 5 years ago and I did my best to support both sides. I remained friends with both of them. I did tall to and visit his ex ( my friend) but I never made any posts that would praise her so that he would feel less than accepted so I found this really hard to accept. I am just wondering if it is realistic to try and remain "friends" with this person?

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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 07:55 PM
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

She obviously doesn't have loyalty to you as she was married and divorced your friend. Dont make a big deal about it, just be very cautious about what you share with her. Sometimes, these type of people, you keep them close rather than far.
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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 08:19 PM
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

I think if you don't want to hear about him, or see things about him, you might have to end the friendships. Your peace of mind and not being stuck in the past rethinking things about him, is more important than keeping the friendships, if it comes down to make a choice, IMO.

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post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 10:23 PM
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

I cut out my ex-husband's friends (some of whom I had known for many decades) because I didn't want reminders of him at that point. Later, when we were friends again, I decided I didn't want his friends back in my life again. Easier that way.
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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 10:46 PM
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

When my XH and I split up, I unfriended AND blocked him on FB. That way I couldn't see anything anyone else posted about him (if he was tagged), and vice versa. As it turns out, "our" friends were really all HIS friends... not a single one contacted me or reached out to me, except for a cousin of my XH. She had just gone through her own divorce, and she was a huge source of support for me. (While XH and I were married, she and I talked far more than she and XH did, so even though he was blood, she felt much closer to me, I imagine.)

After a little while, I just deleted all those friends off of FB, since they were going to treat me like I didn't exist. And I don't miss any of them. I made a whole bunch of new friends, and have an entirely new social circle since my divorce, and I'm much happier that way, and of course I still have the friends who were in my life before I met XH. But there are only a handful of friends, who I met while I was with XH, that I have kept, and those friends either never met XH, or only knew him marginally.

Fairweather friends aren't worth the time and effort. You'll find that there will be people who will disappear from your life because of your split, sometimes those who you least expect it. If they don't want to be there for you... let them go.

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post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 11:04 PM
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

Most likely these mutual friends are not thinking about your divorce or you reading their social media postings. They are just going on with thier lives. They aren't sitting around thinking about how to hurt you by what they post...

If you are that sensitive then unfriend and/or block them. It doesn't make sense to expect them to sensor themselves because of your marriage ending.

Just a thought from an unbiased viewpoint.

Ciao,

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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 07:34 AM
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

When I divorced, I got custody of most of the friends, both our joint friends and his old friends from college. The ex really burned his bridges and has a difficult time maintaining any relationships.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 12:54 PM
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

If they were your ex's friends first, and they remain your ex's friends now, and you are really and truly serious about moving on with your life, and seeing posts from them to your ex and vice versa causes you any amount of grief and ojeda then I think it's fairly obvious what you need to do.

I just realized I don't know the correct spelling of "ojeda" and my spelling is so poor that Google can't even help me.
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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 07:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

Oh man, this is literally killing me!!!!!! I opened FaceBook to see pics of my ex with someone I considered to be a real good friend. She and I had been texting back and forth thru all of Christmas week. She made no mention that my ex was going to be visiting them and here I open up to pics. I was shocked beyond belief. I CANNOT do this! I text her telling her I hoped we could maintain our friendship in a different way than FaceBook and then I took her off my friends' page, along with the guy that made the post I originally started this thread about. I feel sick to my stomach. This friend knows all the hurt and hardship I have been thru, it's just incredible!
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post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 03:56 AM
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

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Originally Posted by Spicy View Post
Most likely these mutual friends are not thinking about your divorce or you reading their social media postings. They are just going on with thier lives. They aren't sitting around thinking about how to hurt you by what they post...

If you are that sensitive then unfriend and/or block them. It doesn't make sense to expect them to sensor themselves because of your marriage ending.

Just a thought from an unbiased viewpoint.
I agree with this 100%. It's completely fair to expect mutual friends to be sensitive to your needs if he or she is talking to you directly, but on social media they're going to conduct their lives as they see fit. Do you want them to choose a side? If so, you could try having a conversation with them about it, but I doubt it would go too well.

What was the original post about? In what context was your STBX referred to as a "hero?" It's possible that the context would shed light on the topic and change my point of view (i.e. if you have reasons to believe this person posted that to at least in part cause you grief and suffering).

As others have stated, you'll need to block and/or unfriend them if you don't want to see things of this nature in the future. Another poster suggested filtering out any posts your friends on Facebook make that include your ex, which is a great idea and a nice middle ground.

I can empathize though. As someone going through a divorce, I know how gut wrenching it is for me to see posts that include my STBXW. However, it's important to separate any negative feelings you have for your STBX from the friends that you both share. Immediate reactions of anger, frustration, hurt, betrayal etc. are normal, but try to gain some perspective and realize that your divorce will affect them as well and they'll want to salvage both friendships if possible.

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Originally Posted by AVR1962 View Post
Oh man, this is literally killing me!!!!!! I opened FaceBook to see pics of my ex with someone I considered to be a real good friend. She and I had been texting back and forth thru all of Christmas week. She made no mention that my ex was going to be visiting them and here I open up to pics. I was shocked beyond belief. I CANNOT do this! I text her telling her I hoped we could maintain our friendship in a different way than FaceBook and then I took her off my friends' page, along with the guy that made the post I originally started this thread about. I feel sick to my stomach. This friend knows all the hurt and hardship I have been thru, it's just incredible!
That friend may know, and yes, there is an element of betrayal in that. Without knowing details I can't say anything definitively, but again, your friends are dealing with the loss of your relationship as well. Yes, to a much lesser degree, but if you've both been friends with these people for a substantial amount of time it's normal that they will want to be there for both of you.

I'm in a similar situation, except the mutual friends I've been leaning on don't post on social media. My STBXW and I have had a couple as friends for 10 years. They even asked us to be the godparents of their daughter. Now that everything is heading toward divorce, this couple has had the unenviable task of being there for both of us (more so me than my STBXW).

The week before Christmas my STBXW reached out to them with what I'd call a less than accurate account of the last four months that we've been separated. I was hurt and upset, and some of that was directed at my friends for not sticking up for me. However, I had to take a few moments to sit back and process what was going on—for me and them. We are two people that these friends care about deeply. Heck, I spent Christmas with them. I know that in their hearts they want the best for us and are dealing with their own sadness over the loss of this relationship and the pain that it's caused me and my STBXW.

It's no different for your friends, so if you value the friendships then you'll need to let go of any resentment you have for them continuing their relationship with your STBX. In reality, this is likely misdirected resentment and hurt that is actually intended for your STBX. It's all part of the process of letting go—we can't control their actions or the actions of our STBXes; we can only accept the fallout of our decisions, whatever that may be.

I really hope it gets better for you and you can salvage the relationships you'd like to continue.


Last edited by golfpanther; 12-27-2016 at 07:01 PM.
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post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 08:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

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Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
Another poster suggested filtering out any posts your friends on Facebook make that include your ex, which is a great idea and a nice middle ground.
If anyone could tell me how to do this I would appreciate it.
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post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 06:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
When my XH and I split up, I unfriended AND blocked him on FB. That way I couldn't see anything anyone else posted about him (if he was tagged), and vice versa. As it turns out, "our" friends were really all HIS friends... not a single one contacted me or reached out to me, except for a cousin of my XH. She had just gone through her own divorce, and she was a huge source of support for me. (While XH and I were married, she and I talked far more than she and XH did, so even though he was blood, she felt much closer to me, I imagine.)

After a little while, I just deleted all those friends off of FB, since they were going to treat me like I didn't exist. And I don't miss any of them. I made a whole bunch of new friends, and have an entirely new social circle since my divorce, and I'm much happier that way, and of course I still have the friends who were in my life before I met XH. But there are only a handful of friends, who I met while I was with XH, that I have kept, and those friends either never met XH, or only knew him marginally.

Fairweather friends aren't worth the time and effort. You'll find that there will be people who will disappear from your life because of your split, sometimes those who you least expect it. If they don't want to be there for you... let them go.
You know this is something I noticed my ex doing.....he was NOT social when we were married. My friends became his friends and he would hang out with my friend's husband but he did not connect. Since the divorce I have had a few friends contact me and let me know that my ex is making a point to make regular contact with their husbands which at first i did not question as I thought he was looking for support but now I question his intent. Not only is he making phone calls and skyping but he is traveling the country to visit various friends of ours and I think it might be his attempt to make himself look good, to impress them so that he looks like the victim of a horrible situation.

I realized though that there are some of our mutual friends I will never see again. 27 years being a part of the military community we have made a great deal of connections together. Some of those I have to let go and move on.
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post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 07:18 PM
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

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If anyone could tell me how to do this I would appreciate it.
You know, I looked into it and it seems you can't block posts that mention specific people for all the friends you have (i.e. anyone that mentions your ex's name in a post will be filtered so you don't see it). What you can do is go to pages of the friends you think might post about your ex and unfollow them. You'll still be friends with them, but you won't see their posts in your timeline; you'll need to go to their pages.

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Originally Posted by AVR1962 View Post
You know this is something I noticed my ex doing.....he was NOT social when we were married. My friends became his friends and he would hang out with my friend's husband but he did not connect. Since the divorce I have had a few friends contact me and let me know that my ex is making a point to make regular contact with their husbands which at first i did not question as I thought he was looking for support but now I question his intent. Not only is he making phone calls and skyping but he is traveling the country to visit various friends of ours and I think it might be his attempt to make himself look good, to impress them so that he looks like the victim of a horrible situation.

I realized though that there are some of our mutual friends I will never see again. 27 years being a part of the military community we have made a great deal of connections together. Some of those I have to let go and move on.
I think this is probably a mixed bag. Some of it is that he's genuinely hurting and is trying to fill the hours by being around as many people as possible. In going through my separation and now divorce I definitely found myself being more social than I've been in years. It's a bit of a sink or swim response because you really can't face something like this alone.

On the other hand, part of it probably is an attempt to win those friends over and perhaps prove that he was always a sociable guy to you. I would find this especially true if his lack of social interaction with your friends was a sore point in the relationship.

A nice unintended consequence of his new found flair for socializing is that you'll find out pretty quickly who wants to remand friends with both of you and who wants to pick a side. Just because he's initiating right now doesn't mean they necessarily choose his side either. If he is doing this with less than honest intentions then a lot of those friends will likely see through it and reach out to you.

Hoping once again that this gets easier for you.
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post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 08:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

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Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
You know, I looked into it and it seems you can't block posts that mention specific people for all the friends you have (i.e. anyone that mentions your ex's name in a post will be filtered so you don't see it). What you can do is go to pages of the friends you think might post about your ex and unfollow them. You'll still be friends with them, but you won't see their posts in your timeline; you'll need to go to their pages.



I think this is probably a mixed bag. Some of it is that he's genuinely hurting and is trying to fill the hours by being around as many people as possible. In going through my separation and now divorce I definitely found myself being more social than I've been in years. It's a bit of a sink or swim response because you really can't face something like this alone.

On the other hand, part of it probably is an attempt to win those friends over and perhaps prove that he was always a sociable guy to you. I would find this especially true if his lack of social interaction with your friends was a sore point in the relationship.

A nice unintended consequence of his new found flair for socializing is that you'll find out pretty quickly who wants to remand friends with both of you and who wants to pick a side. Just because he's initiating right now doesn't mean they necessarily choose his side either. If he is doing this with less than honest intentions then a lot of those friends will likely see through it and reach out to you.

Hoping once again that this gets easier for you.
Thanks for the info. Yes, the few friends who have mentioned to me that all of a sudden my ex is being social with them have thought it to be strange.
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post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 09:44 PM
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Re: Staying Friends with Ex's Friends

Good friends are like gold. They do not weather, burnish, corrode or lose their luster.

Keep them and hold them close. They will not be many, therefore they will not be heavy. They are sparse because they are gold.

The rest may be "fools gold". Keep them if they keep you warm.

I agree with @Spicy on this. Most are living their own lives and it is unlikely that they choose/chose to hurt you.

The close friend that you shared your feelings with during Christmas week? She is either a fool or the fool was you. Sorry, people are cruel. People are selfish. She allowed herself to be photographed with the enemy. That is treason. Colluding with the enemy.-----> She is likely weak. Too weak to pick a side. To pick the moral side. Pictures do not lie. Cowards do when forced to stand tall. She folded and lied....prone.
False consonance? False sympathy? Maybe she gave you lip service....before she gave them to your Ex.

People who are taken advantage of are often self-less. As you were and are no longer.

Gaining self is gaining purpose. Purpose is hope fulfilled.

Let Life's Kaleidoscope play out. All of the images are real....let none be viewed with shock or surprise. It is not your eyes or your mind that create the images....it is your "minds eye" that interpret these things.

Only living things can see.....that is still a great blessing!

Love life and do not eyeball the end of the book. It words are not yet written.

Happy New Year! May it be a happy one for you and yours'.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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