Good job on your epiphany, albeit a little late... She may be done but you may be able to win her back by changing and courting her again. Whether you can keep your marriage or not, you are so wise to realize the truth about your behavior and if you truly do change, even if you can't repair this marriage you can have a happy, rewarding marriage with someone.
MY ADVICE: Get and read the book LOVE BUSTERS by Dr. Willard Harley ASAP. All the behaviors you described are in there. Angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, all of it - this book was written for you! (And many of us...) You can learn a little right away by starting here:
Love Busters specifically: Love Busters
Overcoming Love Busters: How to Overcome Love Busters
Marriage Builders Concepts: A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
If that speaks to you, you can even email their radio show and they will give you free help to try to save your marriage. They also have a forum you can post on where they give specific advice for trying to save a marriage if that is what you want to do.
Regarding the DVI program, first, let me say that yes, you abused your wife. But what you did is NOT the same as physical violence, IMO. There is a lot of stuff about anger management on the website I gave you links to. They say that people with anger problems should take anger management classes that teach you to relax when frustrated because you can literally retrain your brain where you actually no longer get angry in most situations. (As opposed to just learning how to not act on your anger.) Wouldn't that be nice?!
BTW - I found it very interesting when you say you thought of your wife "as an extension of you." My husband never yells or cusses at me, but when we don't completely agree on something (a news story, whether a movie was good, what food tastes good, where to live, how much money to spend, could be anything) he seems to take it personally and get frustrated/irritated. He'll talk louder and talk over me and keep repeating his point of view. Often he'll be really judgmental/dismissive of my "stupid/wrong" thoughts. Then I feel like he doesn't understand what I'm saying and I start talking louder and repeating myself. Then we just stop talking... But when he gets like that I've always thought -- good grief, we have different opinions on something - SO WHAT? Why is that UPSETTING him? I think you may have nailed it - he's seeing me as an extension of him and if I deviate from his thoughts/ideas it's like his feelings are hurt or I've insulted him. I also think he wants to have things his way so when I have a different opinion he sees that as a threat to him having everything the way he wants it - he doesn't want to make accommodations for another human being with different desires. (He will when he thinks about it, but his instinct is to resist my wanting anything different than him.)