We're getting back "together" - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 03:59 AM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

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Originally Posted by roxy2016 View Post
We've been together 7 years, married 3 and we have never had any issues until now. I want to be able to put everything behind us and move on but I am still dealing with the abandonment from him. I knew something was weird and when I found out he didn't "feel" in love anymore, we both said we would work on it but 2 weeks later and he wanted to separate. I am still dealing with the pain of him basically making me leave my home. It is a long story but when we separated we said we would just leave the door open for us to reconcile but he said there was little hope for it. Anyways I pushed him for weeks for a answer and after a month of being separated he told me it was for sure over and he would file for D but he never did and when I tried to talk to him about it he would blow it off. I'd say almost 3 weeks later and he started talking to me again but said just friends.. and then it went to just friends but seeing where it went. About a month of that, He said he knew we could make it work again and be happy but didn't want to rush me coming home... I love him and want our marriage but I feel he is being very selfish. I know I need to work on my trust issues by that I mean if he doesn't say something right then I freak out thinking he is tired of me and shutting the door on us again. He thinks when I come home I will be judging his every action and if he messes up I'll attack.
So, you're the one that moved out of the home and out of state? Without knowing the reasons he wanted the separation it's hard to say, but I think that was a mistake. If he wanted the separation, he should have been the one to leave. He's getting everything he wants from this situation and expecting you to just sit around and wait for him to make up his mind. That isn't fair.

Some specifics would be helpful. When he asked for the separation were the reasons he gave valid to you then or are they now upon reflection? Or do you think they were selfish and unfounded?

If I'm adding up your timeline of events right, I'd say it was around the 3-4 month mark when he told you he knew the two of you could make it work. Is that right? If so, that's a decent amount of time. What are his reasons for not wanting to "rush" you home? Has he given any? If not, you need to ask and find out what he thinks those reasons are because it isn't fair of him to say his ready to work on things but that you can't come home. Only so much can be done to improve the situation over the phone, texts and emails. At the very least you need to be in the same city so the two of you can see a therapist.

On that note, what's your situation like in your new city? Do you have a stable job that you like and are you getting on okay? If so, that's a huge thing to consider before jumping back in. If not, and you like your old town better, just move back there regardless of what happens with your husband. Don't allow him to control something so huge.

As far as trust issues, you have every reason to have them and if he truly wants to work on it he's going to have to be understanding on that point. He kicked you out of your home, forced you to move out of state and then yo-yoed you around for the past 3-4 months. Reconciliation will be hard if it happens and he needs to accept that.

On the cheating thing... have you asked him about that point blank? I actually don't even think that matters right now. He may have, he may not have and he may or may not have done something after the separation. The question you'll need to answer is that if it does come out will that be a deal breaker and will it matter if it happened before or after the separation? But right now, I think that's the least of your worries as far as this goes. If you want to work on it, great, but you need to get him to commit or move on.

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post #32 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 07:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: We're getting back "together"

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So, you're the one that moved out of the home and out of state? Without knowing the reasons he wanted the separation it's hard to say, but I think that was a mistake. If he wanted the separation, he should have been the one to leave. He's getting everything he wants from this situation and expecting you to just sit around and wait for him to make up his mind. That isn't fair.

Some specifics would be helpful. When he asked for the separation were the reasons he gave valid to you then or are they now upon reflection? Or do you think they were selfish and unfounded?

If I'm adding up your timeline of events right, I'd say it was around the 3-4 month mark when he told you he knew the two of you could make it work. Is that right? If so, that's a decent amount of time. What are his reasons for not wanting to "rush" you home? Has he given any? If not, you need to ask and find out what he thinks those reasons are because it isn't fair of him to say his ready to work on things but that you can't come home. Only so much can be done to improve the situation over the phone, texts and emails. At the very least you need to be in the same city so the two of you can see a therapist.

On that note, what's your situation like in your new city? Do you have a stable job that you like and are you getting on okay? If so, that's a huge thing to consider before jumping back in. If not, and you like your old town better, just move back there regardless of what happens with your husband. Don't allow him to control something so huge.

As far as trust issues, you have every reason to have them and if he truly wants to work on it he's going to have to be understanding on that point. He kicked you out of your home, forced you to move out of state and then yo-yoed you around for the past 3-4 months. Reconciliation will be hard if it happens and he needs to accept that.

On the cheating thing... have you asked him about that point blank? I actually don't even think that matters right now. He may have, he may not have and he may or may not have done something after the separation. The question you'll need to answer is that if it does come out will that be a deal breaker and will it matter if it happened before or after the separation? But right now, I think that's the least of your worries as far as this goes. If you want to work on it, great, but you need to get him to commit or move on.


Yes I am the one that moved out (stupidly) Looking back he should have been the one to go. I think his reasons were selfish to an extent, I can understand we got together young and he never got a chance to be on his own at the same time neither did I. I take marriage very seriously so even if I felt I had missed out on that I for sure wouldn't be leaving him over it. So in a nutshell his reasons were not feeling in love, never being independent and feeling like he needed to be alone. I asked many times if I done anything to spark this feeling. He always said no. Up until a few weeks ago we had an argument and he was saying how I ruled the home and was controlling with money. Which was not true. I made sure all the house work was done and the bills were payed on time. However he had full access to the money. I didn't let him control paying the bills bc he forgot things a lot. He told me that it had nothing to do with wanting to be with other women. I have asked him if he has been with anyone at any point and says no. But of course I am aware it could not be true.

And yes it was actually just a few days after the 3 month mark where he wanted to work things out.. Today I told him its time to change something or reconsider his decision. He had nothing to say in return... I told him its not fair what he is doing to me.
Usually if I bring up things he has done, he blames me for intentionally trying to hurt him. That's not my intentions but I feel that he doesn't realize how unfair he is being.

His reasons for not wanting to rush me back at home is that he said he is still working on himself and he feels at this point in time we will argue. The only reason we argue now is because he want set an official date for me to move back. He says he loves me and wants to make it work. But honestly if I talk about us or things i'm planning for us to do, he just does not seem excited about it. He seems to think we can put all of this behind us and he never has to be reminded of anything he's done and we will work things out via phone/text and then when he feels ready for me to come home it will happen.

Reading all of this and thinking of all he has done, makes me feel like I deserve better but as I said, I take marriage seriously and I want to at least give him the chance. This came out of no where. When I told people we were separating and possibly divorce, literally every person was jaw-dropped. Because everyone thought we had the perfect marriage.. so did I.
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post #33 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 08:30 PM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

You can either wait around for him to allow you to come home (if that actually happens at some point) or you can tell him you're through waiting on him and you need to move on. So, yes, an ultimatum. Otherwise, he'll continue on this path as long as it works for him. He's the one with the power and he knows it. You need to change that dynamic or get used to being lonely.
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post #34 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-01-2017, 10:30 AM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

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Originally Posted by roxy2016 View Post
Yes I am the one that moved out (stupidly) Looking back he should have been the one to go. I think his reasons were selfish to an extent, I can understand we got together young and he never got a chance to be on his own at the same time neither did I. I take marriage very seriously so even if I felt I had missed out on that I for sure wouldn't be leaving him over it. So in a nutshell his reasons were not feeling in love, never being independent and feeling like he needed to be alone. I asked many times if I done anything to spark this feeling. He always said no. Up until a few weeks ago we had an argument and he was saying how I ruled the home and was controlling with money. Which was not true. I made sure all the house work was done and the bills were payed on time. However he had full access to the money. I didn't let him control paying the bills bc he forgot things a lot. He told me that it had nothing to do with wanting to be with other women. I have asked him if he has been with anyone at any point and says no. But of course I am aware it could not be true.

And yes it was actually just a few days after the 3 month mark where he wanted to work things out.. Today I told him its time to change something or reconsider his decision. He had nothing to say in return... I told him its not fair what he is doing to me.
Usually if I bring up things he has done, he blames me for intentionally trying to hurt him. That's not my intentions but I feel that he doesn't realize how unfair he is being.

His reasons for not wanting to rush me back at home is that he said he is still working on himself and he feels at this point in time we will argue. The only reason we argue now is because he want set an official date for me to move back. He says he loves me and wants to make it work. But honestly if I talk about us or things i'm planning for us to do, he just does not seem excited about it. He seems to think we can put all of this behind us and he never has to be reminded of anything he's done and we will work things out via phone/text and then when he feels ready for me to come home it will happen.

Reading all of this and thinking of all he has done, makes me feel like I deserve better but as I said, I take marriage seriously and I want to at least give him the chance. This came out of no where. When I told people we were separating and possibly divorce, literally every person was jaw-dropped. Because everyone thought we had the perfect marriage.. so did I.
Has he said what exactly he's done up to this point to work on himself? If not, that's likely just a stall tactic.

The whole "feeling like he needed to be alone" definitely sounds like a grass is greener scenario. I'm not saying he for sure cheated, but that at some level he wanted to experience life as a single man and see what happened. Given his change, I'd say he probably struck out or found it to be an unfulfilling prospect, but he's stalling to buy himself a bit more time to see how he likes it. That is an incredibly crappy thing to do to you.

You're situation sounds a bit like mine, except with the roles reversed. While there's more to it, my wife and I also got married very young and she mentioned wanting to see how she was alone in the world as well. It's an understandable point of view, but it can't be the sole reason someone up and leaves a marriage (it wasn't with me and her, but it sounds like that's your husband's main reason).

What really matters is how you feel about it. Do you think that after this you can ever trust that he's committed and not looking around and wondering "what if?" If you think you can, great, but you should take some control of your own life in the meantime. If you want to move back to the city you both lived in, do it. If you need a timeline for things to improve, give it to him. Be sure not to do it in a way that comes off controlling (since that's part of his reasoning for leaving) and instead frame it as you taking care of you.

Lastly, it's ludicrous for him to think you can solve all this over text, phone and e-mail. Working on this means at some point living together. You will argue, you will have bad nights, you will have issues of trust and resentment for a time. Honestly, even when a marriage is great you will have those things, so his expectations sound like perfection and that isn't possible.

Show him that you're ready to move on one way or another and you'll get to see how much he wants to work on things. Hope it goes the way you want it to, but you'll be fine either way.
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