We're getting back "together" - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 05:43 PM Thread Starter
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We're getting back "together"

Ok so I need some advice long story short me and my hubs separated due to him saying he wasnt in love and he needed to be alone. we got together young and have been together 7 years anyways. We called it off and agreed to divorce. he ended talking to me slowly again and wanted to be friends first but told me he wanted us to work out and had never gave up.

My issue is now that we are working things out he isnt ready to live together again? and im feeling very lonely. Also we live in 2 different states now and we cant see each other often so we basically only text due to schedules. its draining me and no matter how much i tell him he isnt ready for us to change it and move back in together. he keeps telling me we'll get there but we need to take it slowly. Also Im dealing with trust issues as to that he will hurt me again.

What am I doing wrong? Am I being unreasonable about wanting to move things fast or is He?

Any advice would be great. Any other questions please do ask.

Thanks

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post #2 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 06:14 PM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

Have you checked out if he is seeing anyone else and not ask him either as he will likely hide it if he is. If you are not getting sex, intimacy, quality time, odds are, you are getting that from someone else. Unless he is asexual or extremely busy, something is up there.

Whatever your own baggage is, any issue you bring to a relationship, work on them. You carry that and that affects whomever you are with.

Another thing, you are likely to grow apart at this rate. So be prepared to move on as well if things do not work out. No offense, but you do not have much of a marriage if marriage means sharing a life with someone for you. If you two are just dating, why not get legal separation or plain divorce and just date? You obviously have a much stronger bond than he has to you. I suggest you go out with family and friends and develop new hobbies. Why place life on hold for him if he is not really committed to you ?

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post #3 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 06:17 PM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

Is he dating? That's frequently the reason why one person wants to take things slowly when the other one is ready and willing to R.

Did he cheat and that's why you have trust issues or is there another reason?
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post #4 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 06:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: We're getting back "together"

He is not dating anyone and has not cheated. I have trust issues because he wanted the divorce in the first place so now I feel like he will just hurt me again
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post #5 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 06:22 PM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

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Originally Posted by roxy2016 View Post
Ok so I need some advice long story short me and my hubs separated due to him saying he wasnt in love and he needed to be alone. we got together young and have been together 7 years anyways. We called it off and agreed to divorce. he ended talking to me slowly again and wanted to be friends first but told me he wanted us to work out and had never gave up.

My issue is now that we are working things out he isnt ready to live together again? and im feeling very lonely. Also we live in 2 different states now and we cant see each other often so we basically only text due to schedules. its draining me and no matter how much i tell him he isnt ready for us to change it and move back in together. he keeps telling me we'll get there but we need to take it slowly. Also Im dealing with trust issues as to that he will hurt me again.

What am I doing wrong? Am I being unreasonable about wanting to move things fast or is He?

Any advice would be great. Any other questions please do ask.

Thanks
From the limited information in your post, it sounds like he's very confused. First he said he wasn't in love and needed to be alone, then he wanted to be friends and now he wants to work it and had never given up. How long has the separation been and how long ago did one/both of you move to a different state?

If he went from not being in love all the way to saying he had never given up in a short period of time (less than two months I'd say) then going slowly is 100% the right move in my opinion. You were together for seven years (how long married?) so he likely didn't get to that point where he wanted out without a lot of reflection and contemplation.

Now, if it's been several months or a year or more then going slowly is still probably preferred, but you have a right to push for at least some kind of timeline in my opinion. Of course, pushing him for that could make him retreat so you have to be careful.

One thing you need to sort out are your own trust issues. If those persist and you go right back to living together then your attempt at reconciliation will likely be doomed. You'll feel insecure and that will likely lead to him feeling smothered and resentful from your lack of trust. Also, you're living in two different states, which makes moving back in together a much, much bigger ordeal.

If you're willing to share, it might be helpful to let us know some of the issues that plagued the relationship in your H's mind as well as your own. Depending on the severity of the transgressions that will likely change the type of advice you get on the board.

Overall, my advice would be to get yourself some professional help with his if you haven't already and work on yourself. Yeah, that might sound cliche, but you'll need to be at your best if reconciliation has any chance at success.

Sorry about your situation, it sounds really difficult. Hope you get to a better place soon.
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post #6 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 06:28 PM
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We're getting back "together"

You can't know for sure he is not dating someone.

The odds are very slim he is not dating.

ETA: i just checked and saw I posted this same message in your other thread. My POV is from the other side.

It's a by the numbers Other Person scenario. Believe what you want.

Last edited by 225985; 12-29-2016 at 06:32 PM.
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post #7 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 08:23 PM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

How long have you been separated?

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post #8 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 06:14 AM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

Unfortunately, this happens a lot when you marry too young.

He's feeling he missed an integral part of young adulthood which is getting out there, spreading your wings, dating and meeting girls, partying, and doing whatever else it is young people do. He passed right over that whole phase and was a married man by the time he was 20 or close to it (I'm assuming).

He's got one foot in the "I want to experience being young and free" world, and the other one in the only world he's known for the last 7 years - being married and his life with you.

I know you're in total denial about the possibility that maybe he met someone who turned his head and has made him aware of a whole new life outside his married life, but you need to consider that it COULD be a possibility. Sorry.
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post #9 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 03:58 PM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

He's cheating.

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post #10 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 04:38 PM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Unfortunately, this happens a lot when you marry too young.

He's feeling he missed an integral part of young adulthood which is getting out there, spreading your wings, dating and meeting girls, partying, and doing whatever else it is young people do. He passed right over that whole phase and was a married man by the time he was 20 or close to it (I'm assuming).

He's got one foot in the "I want to experience being young and free" world, and the other one in the only world he's known for the last 7 years - being married and his life with you.

I know you're in total denial about the possibility that maybe he met someone who turned his head and has made him aware of a whole new life outside his married life, but you need to consider that it COULD be a possibility. Sorry.
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post #11 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 04:41 PM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

Go find someone better. Go find someone that wants you.

Why aren't you? Are you scared? Do you have self esteem issues?
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post #12 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 04:56 PM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

@roxy2016

Never seen a thread here when a spouse separated, said they needed time (even when their SO wanted to R), and they weren't seeing someone else. Not saying this is what's happening to you but it is very likely. Are you two having sex? Could be that he is enjoying getting "attention" from two different women.

How are you so sure he isn't seeing someone else? Do you have CTTV installed in his place?

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post #13 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 05:18 PM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

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"I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.

Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings."

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post #14 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 08:47 PM
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Re: We're getting back "together"

How can you know for absolute certain he isn't "dating" while you're separated -- or maybe he was "dating" while you were together and that was the reason he wanted to separate?

I would have sworn my former husband was the least likely person on earth to cheat. Turns out I was wrong. You never know for certain what someone is capable of unless they've been glued to you 24/7 for your entire marriage and, obviously, that doesn't happen for any of us. Many of us have been blindsided because we were too trusting. I hope this isn't true in your case but never think it isn't possible.
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post #15 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 10:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: We're getting back "together"

I'm aware there is no way to be 100% sure he has not been seeing someone. I am choosing to believe he never cheated on me. But either way he wants to get back together and so do I. I'm not really sure what got us here. He just said the spark was gone and he wanted to be alone and try out life by himself but this didn't include dating others from he said (again I know he wouldn't tell me anyways) We just hit the 4 month mark on being separated. I am ready to come home. He says he isn't for various reasons. He thinks that we will argue and it will be weird there for we need to continue to work things out separate. He is very apologetic and was even in tears telling me how sorry he was for making me move out and everything he has put us through. To me if he was really sorry he would let me come home? I am very lonely and us only communicating through text/phone is just not enough for my emotional needs. Also he has been buying me gifts and doing sweet things like that. But he has not told me he loved me. If I say it he will tell me but has not on his own. He is insisting we not set a official date for me to come home. He thinks we should not push anything. I don't agree with this.
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