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post #16 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 07:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: he says hes lost-help

Another thing I'm struggling with is the fact we were good friends before we got together and one of his friends cheated on his partner. It brought up the subject and we promised that we wouldn't cheat on each other, we would end it if someone even turned our heads. I know I'm overthinking and obsessing, its just hard to deal with. I dont really have anyone to talk to, I'm estranged from my parents and I don't have many friends, none that I can talk to without them judging

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post #17 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 08:20 AM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

@brainaches, I'm sorry that you had to find out this terrible news.
Please make sure that you go get yourself STD tested as soon as possible.

You have a good attitude about this, despite the fact that it's all very raw for you right now. Keep the focus on yours and your children's futures. Your STBX is in a world of his own making and it's not your job to care for or about him any longer. He's aptly fired you from that job.

Many, many posters who discovered their SOs cheated were like you and your STBX. They began as "good" or "best" friends, made a promise not to cheat, then turned out they did it anyway.

This is why we say here, to watch a persons actions over trusting their words. You can better determine a persons value system by seeing how they live. When they're going out late arbitrarily, not sleeping well, avoiding you, not respecting the quality time they should be spending with you, living a really "rough" existence, or starting to behave irrationally and out of the norm, these behaviors tell you that something is not quite right. After that, it's usually your gut that starts poking at you. We always want to think the best of our spouses, SOs, bfs/gfs, etc., but they are at the end of the day, just human beings. It's not an excuse, it just is.

I respected your comment about him being a cerebral and intelligent man. I was once married to such a man who held very deep conversations with me. Those conversations were a very strong reason why I loved him as much as I did. Nevertheless, I was betrayed in a very real and damaging way, and the reality of the person he was finally hit me between the eyes. I realized that he was always that way, I was just choosing to see him in the best painted light... because I was in denial that I of all people would pick someone capable of so much hurt.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #18 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: he says hes lost-help

I am one for trusting actions over words but was thrown off the scent as his bar is quite a new venture and did need a lot of time. He's always been an insomniac as well, so it didn't ring any alarm bells. The only thing that did was the comment he made when I met her "she's just like you when we first met". And she will be just like me as I am now when she gets handed the responsibility I was handed when getting into a relationship with him. And I'm going to start getting me back because he will actually spend time with our children. Its a good outcome if I look at it one way. I get some time to be me, I dont have to work on his timetable (which I always have done), my kids get to see him more as he actually has to take time out for them (he took them for granted too) and he thinks he will be happy. I only ever wanted for more time for my children and for him to be happy so really, ive got what I wanted in a roundabout way. When reality kicks in (next week, when he returns to his regular job and has nobody to make his food for work and nobody to fix his meals at home because she isn't domesticated in the slightest, no children to kiss good night and no dog to snuggle up on the sofa with) he will realise what he gave up. And for what? Stupid man, almost feel bad for him
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post #19 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 05:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: he says hes lost-help

Right, I have calmed down a lot. I think I pushed him into a relationship with her. I had a go at him for a long time for being with her when I know deep down he wasn't. I know that's no excuse for his affair but, it does bring about the "I'm getting a hard time for doing this so I may as well do it and make it worth it" mentality. I'm a strong woman and realise the way I behaved with him could take from his masculinity.
Anyway, the questions I have are 1) I do want him back, how should I be acting now? Should I be contacting him to tell him I need to discuss things like him handing our tenancy over to me? Bills that are in his name? Asking about maintenance and access for the kids? And then after that not talking to him at all? I want to do no contact and will ask a third party to do the handovers with the kids so I dont have to see him. Is this wise?
2)what is the reality of the situation? How many men actually go back to their ex after they have left to establish a relationship with the OW?
I really, truly believe that he is going through a mid life crisis (he is 45, had a major crisis of identity due to his dad and I kept breaking his balls, telling him I dont need him. He got a new car, spoke of getting a bike and a boat. He wanted to live on the boat and when he asked me about it, I said I wouldn't do it).
3) is it worth saying ANYTHING to the other woman? I wasn't intending to have a go, just to say I know about the relationship and to basically give them my blessing but tell her I dont want my children knowing she's his girlfriend until they know they're going to last forever,preferably after they're already married though. Or do I just pretend she doesn't exist and accept the fact my ex may never admit it?
Thanks in advance for the responses
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post #20 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 07:28 AM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

Quote:
Originally Posted by brainaches View Post
Right, I have calmed down a lot. I think I pushed him into a relationship with her. I had a go at him for a long time for being with her when I know deep down he wasn't. I know that's no excuse for his affair but, it does bring about the "I'm getting a hard time for doing this so I may as well do it and make it worth it" mentality. I'm a strong woman and realise the way I behaved with him could take from his masculinity.
Anyway, the questions I have are 1) I do want him back, how should I be acting now? Should I be contacting him to tell him I need to discuss things like him handing our tenancy over to me? Bills that are in his name? Asking about maintenance and access for the kids? And then after that not talking to him at all? I want to do no contact and will ask a third party to do the handovers with the kids so I dont have to see him. Is this wise?
2)what is the reality of the situation? How many men actually go back to their ex after they have left to establish a relationship with the OW?
I really, truly believe that he is going through a mid life crisis (he is 45, had a major crisis of identity due to his dad and I kept breaking his balls, telling him I dont need him. He got a new car, spoke of getting a bike and a boat. He wanted to live on the boat and when he asked me about it, I said I wouldn't do it).
3) is it worth saying ANYTHING to the other woman? I wasn't intending to have a go, just to say I know about the relationship and to basically give them my blessing but tell her I dont want my children knowing she's his girlfriend until they know they're going to last forever,preferably after they're already married though. Or do I just pretend she doesn't exist and accept the fact my ex may never admit it?
Thanks in advance for the responses
1) My advice is to contact him regarding business matters only. Bills and child visitation, that's it. Transfer the household lease and utilities into your name. Separate any joint accounts. Go to a lawyer and begin the child support process. You want to make sure custody, visitation, and support are handled through the courts so that you have legal recourse should anything take a turn for the worse. When my exH and I split up, I had my exMIL do the majority of the child exchanges. Some people use the police station and do the exchange silently in the lobby so that they are guaranteed zero drama and have witnesses to any bad behavior. One friend uses her ExH's new SO. She likes the SO, but can't stand her exH, so it works for them.

2) Some go back, some stay with their OW, and some have multiple relationships before finding a new partner, if they ever find a new permanent partner at all. Of the ones who do go back, a number of them will cheat again in the future. Reconciling after infidelity is risky.

3) If you want to let OW know that you know about them and are giving your blessing, great. However, the rest of your thoughts here are a bit unrealistic. First, marriage doesn't guarantee forever. Second, he is a father. His future wife would be a step-mother. It would be insane to be a person with children or to be involved with a person with children and NOT spend time with them as a blended family BEFORE the marriage. So, really, you will have to accept that he and whoever he is serious about will be spending some time together with your shared children as a couple in order to make sure they are truly compatible.

Which, really, is better for the kids. Could you imagine how shocked the kids would be to go to his house for visitation to find a woman there and being told this complete stranger is their fathers wife, their stepmother, and will be living there from now on?

He could always introduce women he is dating as friends and then later, if it gets serious, let the kids know they are dating.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #21 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 07:59 AM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

Did you mean "lost-help" or "lost-hope"
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post #22 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 09:31 AM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

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Originally Posted by brainaches View Post
Ive just found out hes been having an affair
Of course you did. It was apparent in your very first post what he was up to. I'm sorry.

Quote:
As a child, he wasn't close to his dad and has very recently rekindled a relationship with him. Then his dad was accused of historic sex offences and later jailed for them (I believe him when he says he didn't do it-too many holes in the other peoples stories and they also had him looking after their own children). I was sexually abused as a child and it brought up issues I thought I had dealt with so I couldn't really support him through it. I think this sent him headfirst into a mid life crisis (he started talking about buying motorbikes and boats?!) and he drank more and cared less
Quote:
Add to this he has a regular job and is self employed (he has a bar) the pressure was really on. Both our children have autism so they can be pretty full on. We didn't get any time together and I found it hard to reach him.
Poor, poor snowflake. He must be a victim because you have a bagful of excuses to justify his lying and cheating and DESERTING his family.

You were sexually abused as a child, and in an unrelated case, his father (who probably isn't as 'innocent' as he claims) was thrown in the slammer. Sh*t happens. That's life. Did you feel the need to go out and screw around on your boyfriend just because this guy was in jail and because you were dealing with past sexual assault issues that your boyfriend wouldn't even support you for?

I'm guessing not, but apparently you think that justifies, in part, his sh*t behavior.

Next up. Two Autistic children is a challenge for anyone. I'll assume that YOU basically care for both of them 24/7 and are in charge of all their medical and rehabilitative needs. I'm also assuming it's a blue moon when you get more than a couple of hours to yourself to regenerate. Did you feel the need to go out and screw around on your husband just because you have an incredibly challenging child situation at home day in and day out with no breaks?

I'm guessing not, but apparently you think that justifies, in part, his sh*t behavior.

Next. Like any real family man, he's been tasked with supporting the family he CHOSE to create. Big deal. That's what most men do. They man the hell up and perform their responsibilities to their family. And yup, some feel a lot of stress or the weight of the world on their shoulders. Totally understandable. I'll assume you can't work because your children need your care 24/7. You didn't choose this life, it chose you - and you're doing the best job of mothering you can, which is all you can do. I'll also assume that getting a night job for you is out due to his bar hours but also due to his inability to care for his own children for more than an hour or two. I'm sure the prize patrol won't be stopping by your house anytime soon to bestow upon him the Father of the Year award. Dammit, where's the puking emoticon when I need it?

And finally, the utter nonsense about how you accused him of cheating - and because you dared to accuse the poor little snowflake, he saw it as he might as WELL have been cheating...so you DROVE him to it and that's why he did it.

Do you have another other ridiculous excuses for his sh*t behavior in your magic bag?

Quote:
I told him I needed clarity about why our relationship ended (on his part) and he told me he was lost. He said his head is a mess on account of his dad and hes very angry. Said that he feels like he's going to lose it and he doesn't want me around when he does lose it. I haven't told him that I want to try again because I don't want to add pressure to him if he already feels close to breaking point. How am I meant to play this? Leave him alone to work through his issues and not mention us or leave him alone to work through his issues and tell him I want him to come home?
Boy, that's quite the steaming pile of cow manure he spewed. You know exactly why Peter Pan won't come home - because it's much more desirable to play 'single bachelor' than it is to be trapped within the confines of your house again. I'm also assuming this bimbo of his was what's called an 'exit affair.' I'm getting the impression he was just looking for a reason to leave - and he found her.

Quote:
I sent him a message last night because our daughter said she wants to die because of the situation. I told him he needs to help me get her through it. He said that he will and to tell her he loves her and he will come get her soon.
THIS is the piece of dog sh*t you're trying so desperately to get back - a low life capable of deserting the family and life he created because life is just SO much better banging his bimbo and pretending you all don't exist anymore. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he and his side piece are having kegger parties at the bar since these two fools seem to think they have no responsibilities in life. But yes, HE'S the poor, poor 'victim' of circumstance.

If I live to be 2000 years old, I'll NEVER understand why anyone would desperately try to win back a lying, slimy piece of sh*t cheater capable of deserting their family without so much as a glance back.
Quote:
The person who told me about it told me there is already trouble in paradise because of her drinking and partying ways. He also has a room in his bar, he hasn't moved in with her and he has not intention of giving his room up to live with her
And when their cheap little 'romance' is over and Mr. Opportunist is looking for someone to be with and take care of all his creature comforts, don't be surprised if the user suddenly comes around again - because YOU'RE Plan B. Yes ma'am, you are. And what a glorious testament to your love - the lying opportunist possibly coming home because his cheap side piece was a disappointment for him. That's what every woman wants - some dirt bag back by default because his 'girlfriend' wasn't everything he expect. Good God.

Find your pride. Find your self respect. Close the door on this worthless POS. And get to a lawyer and find out exactly what you could be entitled to in your particular situation. Not sure why you were never 'marriage material' for him (or was it your choice to cohabitate and not marry?) but you may be at a disadvantage NOT being married to this assclown because the law might protect you more if you were. But a lawyer would know that - and knowledge is POWER.

Last edited by She'sStillGotIt; 01-02-2017 at 09:39 AM.
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post #23 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 09:33 AM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

Try to remember that people who act like doormats send the message they aren't valuable and as such aren't treated as something to be valued.

We teach people how to treat us.
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post #24 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 10:19 AM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

What a total mess. I'm so sorry you ended up with this in your life.

Take your time, make no rash decisions. Definitely talk to a lawyer. Look to the few friends you do have for support and a listening ear. Know we are always here to help you also. This group has a ton of experience and are a wealth of information.
@She'sStillGotIt always uses strong words, but really read what she said. That viewpoint is very eye opening. You deserve so much better. I'm guessing he will come slithering back to you at some point. So be ready...

Your children are where the biggest heart strings get pulled. The day they have to realize that daddy is dating this young bimbo will be a very difficult one. In that reguard, I'm glad he is being more absentee with them at this point, your kids don't need to meet every hole he is sticking it in. They are going to need you, so take good care of yourself. Get enough rest, eat well and exercise. The road ahead of you is a difficult one, but holds promise of much better times to come.

Sending you a warm Spicy hug, and look forward to getting to know you better on here over time. I wish you and your babies the best. I wish him to get exactly what is coming for him.

Ciao,

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post #25 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 05:00 PM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

If you want him back, you'll have to expose the affair to anyone he cares about. He'll then have to address his actions; he may realize he doesn't want to lose you over something nobody will admire him for.

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post #26 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 05:20 PM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

A lot of women love to watch the Soaps on TV. You? You are living in one of them....thanks to Mr. Cheater.

The best way to push your way through tough times is by making light of it. Gain an exceptional humor.

It sounds like your love for him has dribbled down his leg. Not really caring what happens to him allows you to see

the clown in him. Send in the Clown. There has to be Clowns.

The real snag in your nylons is finances, the children's grieving process and short term chaos.

Later, you will not need him for anything, except a child support check.

Visit an attorney, pronto.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #27 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 11:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: he says hes lost-help

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Of course you did. It was apparent in your very first post what he was up to. I'm sorry.

Poor, poor snowflake. He must be a victim because you have a bagful of excuses to justify his lying and cheating and DESERTING his family.

You were sexually abused as a child, and in an unrelated case, his father (who probably isn't as 'innocent' as he claims) was thrown in the slammer. Sh*t happens. That's life. Did you feel the need to go out and screw around on your boyfriend just because this guy was in jail and because you were dealing with past sexual assault issues that your boyfriend wouldn't even support you for?

I'm guessing not, but apparently you think that justifies, in part, his sh*t behavior.

Next up. Two Autistic children is a challenge for anyone. I'll assume that YOU basically care for both of them 24/7 and are in charge of all their medical and rehabilitative needs. I'm also assuming it's a blue moon when you get more than a couple of hours to yourself to regenerate. Did you feel the need to go out and screw around on your husband just because you have an incredibly challenging child situation at home day in and day out with no breaks?

I'm guessing not, but apparently you think that justifies, in part, his sh*t behavior.

Next. Like any real family man, he's been tasked with supporting the family he CHOSE to create. Big deal. That's what most men do. They man the hell up and perform their responsibilities to their family. And yup, some feel a lot of stress or the weight of the world on their shoulders. Totally understandable. I'll assume you can't work because your children need your care 24/7. You didn't choose this life, it chose you - and you're doing the best job of mothering you can, which is all you can do. I'll also assume that getting a night job for you is out due to his bar hours but also due to his inability to care for his own children for more than an hour or two. I'm sure the prize patrol won't be stopping by your house anytime soon to bestow upon him the Father of the Year award. Dammit, where's the puking emoticon when I need it?

And finally, the utter nonsense about how you accused him of cheating - and because you dared to accuse the poor little snowflake, he saw it as he might as WELL have been cheating...so you DROVE him to it and that's why he did it.

Do you have another other ridiculous excuses for his sh*t behavior in your magic bag?

Boy, that's quite the steaming pile of cow manure he spewed. You know exactly why Peter Pan won't come home - because it's much more desirable to play 'single bachelor' than it is to be trapped within the confines of your house again. I'm also assuming this bimbo of his was what's called an 'exit affair.' I'm getting the impression he was just looking for a reason to leave - and he found her.

THIS is the piece of dog sh*t you're trying so desperately to get back - a low life capable of deserting the family and life he created because life is just SO much better banging his bimbo and pretending you all don't exist anymore. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he and his side piece are having kegger parties at the bar since these two fools seem to think they have no responsibilities in life. But yes, HE'S the poor, poor 'victim' of circumstance.

If I live to be 2000 years old, I'll NEVER understand why anyone would desperately try to win back a lying, slimy piece of sh*t cheater capable of deserting their family without so much as a glance back.
And when their cheap little 'romance' is over and Mr. Opportunist is looking for someone to be with and take care of all his creature comforts, don't be surprised if the user suddenly comes around again - because YOU'RE Plan B. Yes ma'am, you are. And what a glorious testament to your love - the lying opportunist possibly coming home because his cheap side piece was a disappointment for him. That's what every woman wants - some dirt bag back by default because his 'girlfriend' wasn't everything he expect. Good God.

Find your pride. Find your self respect. Close the door on this worthless POS. And get to a lawyer and find out exactly what you could be entitled to in your particular situation. Not sure why you were never 'marriage material' for him (or was it your choice to cohabitate and not marry?) but you may be at a disadvantage NOT being married to this assclown because the law might protect you more if you were. But a lawyer would know that - and knowledge is POWER.
Ouch! Harsh but true, I'm the wronged one here! Thanks for reminding me. Keep doing what you're doing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
If you want him back, you'll have to expose the affair to anyone he cares about. He'll then have to address his actions; he may realize he doesn't want to lose you over something nobody will admire him for.
This is another thing that hurts me. As he owns a bar and all his family go in there on a regular basis, they all know anyway and kept it hidden from me. So all the people I classed as family have been in on his betrayal. Only 1 person had the decency to tell me what was going on. She only found out recently but I did have to push her into telling. The only person that he doesn't want knowing is me. It does stay strictly at the bar, he isn't parading her around the town and is going to great lengths for me not to find out. Ive been told that all his family have expressed their disgust at it and he keeps getting told they're all disappointed in what hes doing and hurt by it but they're all still there. They're trying to "mind their business" apparently but were quick to add fuel to the fire about issues we had before he started the affair and I kicked him out
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post #28 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 11:57 AM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

I would still talk to them about it. About how disappointed you are that they all - to a person - chose to let him do this to you and did nothing. Sometimes people just need to hear that stuff.

I guess at this stage, I'd just make plans to move on then. Do the 180 for your own sake and start building a new life without him. IF he ever gets his head out of his butt, you can explain to him what it would take to consider giving him another chance. But he'll never choose you if you just sit there and accept his double life.
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post #29 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 01:05 PM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

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Right, I have calmed down a lot. I think I pushed him into a relationship with her. I had a go at him for a long time for being with her when I know deep down he wasn't. I know that's no excuse for his affair but, it does bring about the "I'm getting a hard time for doing this so I may as well do it and make it worth it" mentality. I'm a strong woman and realise the way I behaved with him could take from his masculinity.
Anyway, the questions I have are 1) I do want him back, how should I be acting now? Should I be contacting him to tell him I need to discuss things like him handing our tenancy over to me? Bills that are in his name? Asking about maintenance and access for the kids? And then after that not talking to him at all? I want to do no contact and will ask a third party to do the handovers with the kids so I dont have to see him. Is this wise?
2)what is the reality of the situation? How many men actually go back to their ex after they have left to establish a relationship with the OW?
I really, truly believe that he is going through a mid life crisis (he is 45, had a major crisis of identity due to his dad and I kept breaking his balls, telling him I dont need him. He got a new car, spoke of getting a bike and a boat. He wanted to live on the boat and when he asked me about it, I said I wouldn't do it).
3) is it worth saying ANYTHING to the other woman? I wasn't intending to have a go, just to say I know about the relationship and to basically give them my blessing but tell her I dont want my children knowing she's his girlfriend until they know they're going to last forever,preferably after they're already married though. Or do I just pretend she doesn't exist and accept the fact my ex may never admit it?
Thanks in advance for the responses
Don't blame yourself for his actions. He chose to give into temptation and cause you this pain.

The one thing that did jump out at me in this post is that you told him (I'm guessing repeatedly) you didn't need him. There are two sides to that: 1) It would be tough to hear that from your partner and 2) Maybe some part of you doesn't want him anyway?

I think once you've gained some perspective on this you might find that you weren't totally happy with him either. I'm not saying you shouldn't give it a try if that's what you feel, you should! But it seems like there were things driving you away from him.

I don't think it's worth reaching out to the other woman. Her meeting your kids and being that big a part of his life seems like a faraway possibility at this point based on what you've written. Deal with him directly, see what he has to say about it and then take your next step based on that information. I would definitely not give the relationship your blessing if you want to work on things with him. That would send a very mixed message.

Given his age, her age, and the fact you have a family together I would guess the odds are pretty likely that he'll come back at some point. Be prepared for that and work on yourself so you know if that's something you'll want when the time comes.

Rough times now, but it will get easier.
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post #30 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: he says hes lost-help

Like every relationship, it was good but not perfect. I'm a very strong woman and can turn my hand to anything. I know I can be scary but like I said to him, I wanted to need him. I wanted to be able to tell him I needed him to hang pictures or take the trash out or mow the lawn. I had always taken care of business and allowed him to be lazy in the home. He did try help but I always told him he didn't do it right. He thought I was controlling (maybe this was true to an extent) but I felt he never took the reigns. If I look at it objectively, at the end our relationship was appalling but we hadnt taken the time to nurture it. I had my baby and he had his (the business) and, not making any excuses whatsoever, there was not time left over for us after our responsibilities. We used to have Sunday together as a family and his interfering mum (who was encouraging us both to quit the relationship begin the others back and being encouraging when we were together) always insisted on being there do we didn't get any us time. Our DD has sleep issues so by the time she went to bed, it was 10/11pm and we were too tired to even talk. Its easy to see where it went wrong but it doesn't change where we are now and his reluctance to admit to his parts.
I am ready to work on me, piecing my children back together and just doing the best I can to get my life back on a track I like.
Anyway, want to sound off on anybody reading. The friend who told me about the affair is related to my ex and knows the OW quite well. She thinks I should go to his bar to do the handover for the children. This is because they're keeping the relationship strictly in the bar and we will have to get on in there for him to keep up appearances (he has not confessed the A to me and has made it so I don't find out, and hes also in his place of work so he has to be nice) She thinks it may burst their little bubble and make the real, unattractive parts of the OW come out. She said it will force their hand and bring control back to me. Good idea/bad idea? Opinions please.
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