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post #1 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 11:34 PM Thread Starter
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he says hes lost-help

First of all, I would just like to say I'm not married but me and my ex have 2 children together and were together for 14 years, no affairs and no real problems until last year.
As a child, he wasn't close to his dad and has very recently rekindled a relationship with him. Then his dad was accused of historic sex offences and later jailed for them (I believe him when he says he didn't do it-too many holes in the other peoples stories and they also had him looking after their own children). I was sexually abused as a child and it brought up issues I thought I had dealt with so I couldn't really support him through it. I think this sent him headfirst into a mid life crisis (he started talking about buying motorbikes and boats?!) and he drank more and cared less
Add to this he has a regular job and is self employed (he has a bar) the pressure was really on. Both our children have autism so they can be pretty full on. We didn't get any time together and I found it hard to reach him.
Anyway, things came to a head a little over 3 weeks ago. He stayed out all night again (he had finished work for the holidays) and he said he fell asleep at the bar he owns. I kicked him out (out of frustration) and told him to come get his things. There has been no real talk of our relationship since. He has reached out to me but I didn't read the signs and was still mad so didn't respond appropriately. We have been to school plays together and he came to Christmas dinner but I have kept all communication about the children until the other night. I told him I needed clarity about why our relationship ended (on his part) and he told me he was lost. He said his head is a mess on account of his dad and hes very angry. Said that he feels like he's going to lose it and he doesn't want me around when he does lose it. I haven't told him that I want to try again because I don't want to add pressure to him if he already feels close to breaking point. How am I meant to play this? Leave him alone to work through his issues and not mention us or leave him alone to work through his issues and tell him I want him to come home? The kids asked him if he still loves me and to come home, he said he does love me but its not that simple. Recently, he hasn't brought up our relationship or whether this is a temporary or permanent thing for him so I dont know where his head is. We had so many years of it being good and now this. I dont know what to do anymore. Ive also asked him if he has someone else but he promises me he hasn't and I'm inclined to believe him because, apart from him staying out all night, theres not been the other signs and he lets me have access to his phone and social media accounts. Please help me work through this and get my head straight. If it helps, he hasn't given me the house key back and has left his work boots here so will need to get in touch to discuss getting them.

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post #2 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 12:07 AM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

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First of all, I would just like to say I'm not married but me and my ex have 2 children together and were together for 14 years, no affairs and no real problems until last year.
As a child, he wasn't close to his dad and has very recently rekindled a relationship with him. Then his dad was accused of historic sex offences and later jailed for them (I believe him when he says he didn't do it-too many holes in the other peoples stories and they also had him looking after their own children). I was sexually abused as a child and it brought up issues I thought I had dealt with so I couldn't really support him through it. I think this sent him headfirst into a mid life crisis (he started talking about buying motorbikes and boats?!) and he drank more and cared less
Add to this he has a regular job and is self employed (he has a bar) the pressure was really on. Both our children have autism so they can be pretty full on. We didn't get any time together and I found it hard to reach him.
Anyway, things came to a head a little over 3 weeks ago. He stayed out all night again (he had finished work for the holidays) and he said he fell asleep at the bar he owns. I kicked him out (out of frustration) and told him to come get his things. There has been no real talk of our relationship since. He has reached out to me but I didn't read the signs and was still mad so didn't respond appropriately. We have been to school plays together and he came to Christmas dinner but I have kept all communication about the children until the other night. I told him I needed clarity about why our relationship ended (on his part) and he told me he was lost. He said his head is a mess on account of his dad and hes very angry. Said that he feels like he's going to lose it and he doesn't want me around when he does lose it. I haven't told him that I want to try again because I don't want to add pressure to him if he already feels close to breaking point. How am I meant to play this? Leave him alone to work through his issues and not mention us or leave him alone to work through his issues and tell him I want him to come home? The kids asked him if he still loves me and to come home, he said he does love me but its not that simple. Recently, he hasn't brought up our relationship or whether this is a temporary or permanent thing for him so I dont know where his head is. We had so many years of it being good and now this. I dont know what to do anymore. Ive also asked him if he has someone else but he promises me he hasn't and I'm inclined to believe him because, apart from him staying out all night, theres not been the other signs and he lets me have access to his phone and social media accounts. Please help me work through this and get my head straight. If it helps, he hasn't given me the house key back and has left his work boots here so will need to get in touch to discuss getting them.
Wow, I feel for you and certainly wish things were different.

It definitely sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis aided in part by the reintegration of his father in his life. Add to that two children that need special care and he's likely spinning out of control, so I'd believe him on that point.

In terms of how to deal with it... I'd say give him space and time but still try to keep in communication. Has he talked with you at all about what he means by not wanting you and your children around when he loses it? Has he talked at all about what has triggered this aside from his dad and being angry?

IMO, I think you should be honest about what you want from this. Tell him you want the relationship to continue and work, but that you understand he needs space and time. After that, I'd say give him a month, at least, with no contact other than practical issues relating to your family and finances.

Another thing, and this is important, do you at all fear that he's in such a dark place that he might cause self harm? Staying up all night at a bar drinking is a recipe for disaster when someone is going through a crisis so if signals are there that this could go extremely dark you might come to a point where you need to get an outside presence involved for his own safety and/or yours.

Lastly, had he indicated any issues between the two of you, or thus far has it been all about his relationship with his father and his own demons? What made you kick him out as opposed to trying to get him and you help with the situation?

I know this isn't easy so try to be kind to yourself while things are really tough.
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post #3 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 02:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: he says hes lost-help

When we've been talking in the past about things (when we were together), he just feels a lot of pressure. He is in a job he hates and got the bar as he wanted to be able to leave something behind for the children. Although his mum tried her best growing up, he never had much and has had to work hard to get where he is and he was physically abused by his step-dad (which my ex has concluded was a result of the pressure of bringing up children on a tight budget). He has a lot of staffing issues and has to deal with all the petty squabbles that the staff have. They are constantly gossiping about things they should not mention and let his mum into things they shouldn't tell her. His business partner (who is his brother) is rarely there and when he is, they dont agree on how to run things. Before we met, he was explosive but I've never seen that side of him. I also know him well enough to know when he says he doesn't want me around when he "loses it" because it would change my opinion of him.
The reason I kicked him out was a lot to do with timing and other people. His mum has been encouraging me to kick him out over any little thing. I didn't know that she was encouraging him to leave behind my back. He lived with her most of his life and she feels she has a special bond with him. Whenever he has had relationship issues in the past, he has gone back to her but that's not happened this time. The reason I kicked him out is because he's shut himself off to me. Started coming in late during the week and just playing computer games. He hasn't told me he is struggling and because he was coming in late and I was still busy with the children, I didn't see it. He then stayed out until the early hours a few weekends in a row (on either Friday or Saturday, not both). The day I felt was the final straw was my birthday. He had stayed out the night before and fallen asleep. We had made plans to go to lunch on my birthday and him not being there when I woke up and not answering his phone made me feel like he didn't care. When he did phone me back (just after 7.30am), I shouted at him saying he was always there and he replied that it was never going to change. I told him I couldn't live like that and not to dare come up. I expected him to at least want to talk about it later but he didn't. We had a 10 minute conversation that night and his words were "I cant be bothered with this, ive had a rubbish day and I'm tired. I dont want to talk about it any more". I dont want to put myself out there for him to say that he doesn't want me. He also has insomnia and other health issues so he's always tired and feels like our doctor is unsupportive and won't give him the help he needs. He has said in the past that if he could just sleep for one full night, he would be able to handle things better

Last edited by brainaches; 12-30-2016 at 03:00 AM.
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post #4 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 06:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: he says hes lost-help

Ive just found out hes been having an affair
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post #5 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 11:12 AM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

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Ive just found out hes been having an affair

Whatever your next course of action, take your time to handle it. Wait until your emotions calm a bit for better clarity. Detach at the moment is my best advice and secure your own position whether he is part of your future or not. He may simply want to run from it all, you never know and choose escapism. Make sure you will be fine financially and emotionally without him.

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post #6 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 12:43 PM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

Well now you know you're plan B while he explores his options.

Do you still want him knowing that?
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post #7 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 12:45 PM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

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Whatever your next course of action, take your time to handle it. Wait until your emotions calm a bit for better clarity. Detach at the moment is my best advice and secure your own position whether he is part of your future or not. He may simply want to run from it all, you never know and choose escapism. Make sure you will be fine financially and emotionally without him.
Totally agree. I'm sorry that your relationship has gone this way but don't rush into anything.

Did he tell you about it and leave it at that or did he offer up any specifics? Ultimately, none of that really matters until you figure out your next step, but if you decide to try again with him then you'll need to know that it's over at least.

Focus on yourself as much as you can right now. Hope you're doing okay.
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post #8 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: he says hes lost-help

I'm so upset and confused and no, I will not be his plan b. I absolutely refuse to mope. I'm going to get on with living. He's just had more time to come to terms with it. The woman hes with is half his age and i had my suspicions bit I was always told that nothing was happening. I feel such a fool. She isn't his usual type and knew about me. In fact, I helped her when her ex did the same thing to her! He hasn't told me, he still denies it (is this to keep his options open with me seeing as he has my key and isn't collecting his belongings?) but next time I see him, I'm going to have it out with him. I pushed one of his family members who I knew wouldn't lie into telling me. My next step.is to throw myself into life and see what I can make of it and make sure my children are as affected as little as possible. Its just unbearable that my children and 14 years, the home we built together means nothing to him. Ive never needed him, only ever wanted him and now I dont even know. This is going to sound bitter but I am not being bitter, I'm just being truthful.my ex is a very intelligent man and he enjoys intense conversation. She's as thick as 2 short planks and he wont get that from her. She's stroking his ego and being easy, he likes that in the short term but does like the thrill of the chase so as soon as I tell him I know, the sheen will be taken off. When he first introduced me to her, he said "she reminds me of you when we first met". I knew then something would happen. She also has 3 children who are always looked after by her mum. He struggles with our 2 so if they go out together, they will have 4 boys under 5 and a 9 year old! And, as previously mentioned, my 2 have autism. He also likes boring things like fishing and she's a hardcore party girl. Something tells me it isn't going to get serious but she's still enough to risk everything for. I'm astounded.
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post #9 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 02:10 PM
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I'm so upset and confused and no, I will not be his plan b. I absolutely refuse to mope. I'm going to get on with living. He's just had more time to come to terms with it. The woman hes with is half his age and i had my suspicions bit I was always told that nothing was happening. I feel such a fool. She isn't his usual type and knew about me. In fact, I helped her when her ex did the same thing to her! He hasn't told me, he still denies it (is this to keep his options open with me seeing as he has my key and isn't collecting his belongings?) but next time I see him, I'm going to have it out with him. I pushed one of his family members who I knew wouldn't lie into telling me. My next step.is to throw myself into life and see what I can make of it and make sure my children are as affected as little as possible. Its just unbearable that my children and 14 years, the home we built together means nothing to him. Ive never needed him, only ever wanted him and now I dont even know. This is going to sound bitter but I am not being bitter, I'm just being truthful.my ex is a very intelligent man and he enjoys intense conversation. She's as thick as 2 short planks and he wont get that from her. She's stroking his ego and being easy, he likes that in the short term but does like the thrill of the chase so as soon as I tell him I know, the sheen will be taken off. When he first introduced me to her, he said "she reminds me of you when we first met". I knew then something would happen. She also has 3 children who are always looked after by her mum. He struggles with our 2 so if they go out together, they will have 4 boys under 5 and a 9 year old! And, as previously mentioned, my 2 have autism. He also likes boring things like fishing and she's a hardcore party girl. Something tells me it isn't going to get serious but she's still enough to risk everything for. I'm astounded.
This sounds like a classic mid-life crisis. Things were hard at home, he was looking at his life and what he had accomplished and along came a young party girl that took his mind off it all. That sucks and I'm so sorry.

In all likelihood this will fade and he will come running back to you and your family. Be prepared for that and ready to make a choice at that point. In the meantime, try your best to enjoy your life and focus on you. It's going to be really hard, but it's the only thing you can do.
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post #10 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 02:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: he says hes lost-help

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This sounds like a classic mid-life crisis. Things were hard at home, he was looking at his life and what he had accomplished and along came a young party girl that took his mind off it all. That sucks and I'm so sorry.

In all likelihood this will fade and he will come running back to you and your family. Be prepared for that and ready to make a choice at that point. In the meantime, try your best to enjoy your life and focus on you. It's going to be really hard, but it's the only thing you can do.
Thank you! Its made it a bit clearer but, if he does come back, how would we get past this? How likely is it that he would want to come back? She's his employee. And if he doesn't come back and things get serious between them, how am I supposed to explain it to my children because they have limited understanding of relationships. It could be easy but I get all the questions. Do I tell them to ask their dad or do I try deal with the questions the best I can. My 4 year old cannot even begin to comprehend but my 9 year old does so ive so far just been asking her how she would be if daddy got a new girlfriend and if mummy got a new boyfriend. She initially reacted with "I would kick her in her knees" but I've explained that it wont change anything so to be kind because that's how I've brought her up. And, on a lighter note, I'm 10 years his junior. When I get to my mid-life crisis point, am I allowed to act like an inconsiderate, selfish idiot (dont worry, I'm not talking revenge, just trying to make light of a bad situation).

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post #11 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 03:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: he says hes lost-help

And doesn't the fact hes left make it more serious and him more likely to embark on a fully fledged relationship with the other woman? The person who told me about it told me there is already trouble in paradise because of her drinking and partying ways. He also has a room in his bar, he hasn't moved in with her and he has not intention of giving his room up to live with her
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post #12 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 05:09 PM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

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Thank you! Its made it a bit clearer but, if he does come back, how would we get past this? How likely is it that he would want to come back? She's his employee. And if he doesn't come back and things get serious between them, how am I supposed to explain it to my children because they have limited understanding of relationships. It could be easy but I get all the questions. Do I tell them to ask their dad or do I try deal with the questions the best I can. My 4 year old cannot even begin to comprehend but my 9 year old does so ive so far just been asking her how she would be if daddy got a new girlfriend and if mummy got a new boyfriend. She initially reacted with "I would kick her in her knees" but I've explained that it wont change anything so to be kind because that's how I've brought her up. And, on a lighter note, I'm 10 years his junior. When I get to my mid-life crisis point, am I allowed to act like an inconsiderate, selfish idiot (dont worry, I'm not talking revenge, just trying to make light of a bad situation).
I'd say it's extremely likely that at some point he'll at least express interest in coming back. In terms of how to get past it... you might never fully so it would come down to if it was worth it to you to try.

In terms of the kids, I honestly don't know. I think you're doing okay so far, just try to be honest and kind and wait until you sort some of this out.

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And doesn't the fact hes left make it more serious and him more likely to embark on a fully fledged relationship with the other woman? The person who told me about it told me there is already trouble in paradise because of her drinking and partying ways. He also has a room in his bar, he hasn't moved in with her and he has not intention of giving his room up to live with her
I think it's doubtful he'd want to embark in a serious relationship with her. A big part of the appeal, sadly, is that it's the opposite of what he has with you. If she were to push it to get more serious, he'd likely feel uncomfortable and "lose" it like he told you he was about to. On the flip side, if he did try to ratchet it up to a full-fledged relationship, it doesn't sound like that's what this girl wants. He's already at odds with her drinking and partying according to your informant, so it'll probably bust apart sooner rather than later.

One thing, where are you planning on confronting your husband about the affair? He's likely going to first deny, then get angry and then demand to know who told you and then he'll still probably deny. He doesn't sound like he's in the best mental state so try to make sure you're somewhere safe when you do it, try to control your emotions and clearly lay out what you want to do from here.
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post #13 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 05:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: he says hes lost-help

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I'd say it's extremely likely that at some point he'll at least express interest in coming back. In terms of how to get past it... you might never fully so it would come down to if it was worth it to you to try.

In terms of the kids, I honestly don't know. I think you're doing okay so far, just try to be honest and kind and wait until you sort some of this out.



I think it's doubtful he'd want to embark in a serious relationship with her. A big part of the appeal, sadly, is that it's the opposite of what he has with you. If she were to push it to get more serious, he'd likely feel uncomfortable and "lose" it like he told you he was about to. On the flip side, if he did try to ratchet it up to a full-fledged relationship, it doesn't sound like that's what this girl wants. He's already at odds with her drinking and partying according to your informant, so it'll probably bust apart sooner rather than later.

One thing, where are you planning on confronting your husband about the affair? He's likely going to first deny, then get angry and then demand to know who told you and then he'll still probably deny. He doesn't sound like he's in the best mental state so try to make sure you're somewhere safe when you do it, try to control your emotions and clearly lay out what you want to do from here.
Well, I was going to do it in my house because the kids are here and I know I can control myself and be calm around them. They need calm and they get very unsettled when theres an ounce of animosity in the air but you've made me think. Their dad probably wont stay calm and there probably will be shouting. I will have to rethink that but I'm finding it hard to get him to meet. He says he will but nothing comes of it. I'm not going to say anybody told me, I'm going to tell him why I had my suspicions and see if he confesses. Is there much point in trying to get him to confess seeing as I already know what I know?
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post #14 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 04:08 AM
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Re: he says hes lost-help

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Well, I was going to do it in my house because the kids are here and I know I can control myself and be calm around them. They need calm and they get very unsettled when theres an ounce of animosity in the air but you've made me think. Their dad probably wont stay calm and there probably will be shouting. I will have to rethink that but I'm finding it hard to get him to meet. He says he will but nothing comes of it. I'm not going to say anybody told me, I'm going to tell him why I had my suspicions and see if he confesses. Is there much point in trying to get him to confess seeing as I already know what I know?
If possible, I'd try to get him to agree to go see a therapist with you. That way you have a neutral third party present and a safe environment for what will be a really tough conversation. If he won't go for that, I'd say somewhere public like a quiet coffee shop (but still populated) or the like. I would definitely not have it at your home or his bar.

I think it's smart to not tell him how you know. That would allow him an easy out in terms of denying it; he'd just attack whoever told you about it. IMO, you should be incredibly direct. Something like, "I have reasons to believe you're having an affair with (name of his employee). Please tell me the truth about what's going on between the two of you." This keeps a third party (the person who told you) out of it so the conversation so he doesn't have any easy out to funnel his anger toward.

Be safe above all else. If he really is teetering at the breaking point of sanity, you don't want to be anywhere that help isn't close by.
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post #15 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 06:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: he says hes lost-help

Ive already confronted him about the other woman on the day I kicked him out but he flat out denied it. I dont know why he wouldn't just tell me about it.
As for therapy, I know he wouldn't do it right now. Hes just dropped me like a hot potato and hasn't looked back. Its all a big mess. I sent him a message last night because our daughter said she wants to die because of the situation. I told him he needs to help me get her through it. He said that he will and to tell her he loves her and he will come get her soon. I really want to text him to tell him the best way forward is a full disclosure to all of us but I dont think hes ready for it. My heads a mess and I'm sick of trying to second guess him. Hes in the early stages of a relationship with someone else and we don't really matter to him any more, she's taking his mind off what's happening. I also want to tell him its easy to move on when you don't see the consequences every day. He will spin it around and make it all my fault anyway because I kicked him out. Sorry for venting, I just need to make clear what's going on in my head. When the holidays are over, I'm definitely going to try get therapy to work through it
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