First of all, I would just like to say I'm not married but me and my ex have 2 children together and were together for 14 years, no affairs and no real problems until last year.
As a child, he wasn't close to his dad and has very recently rekindled a relationship with him. Then his dad was accused of historic sex offences and later jailed for them (I believe him when he says he didn't do it-too many holes in the other peoples stories and they also had him looking after their own children). I was sexually abused as a child and it brought up issues I thought I had dealt with so I couldn't really support him through it. I think this sent him headfirst into a mid life crisis (he started talking about buying motorbikes and boats?!) and he drank more and cared less
Add to this he has a regular job and is self employed (he has a bar) the pressure was really on. Both our children have autism so they can be pretty full on. We didn't get any time together and I found it hard to reach him.
Anyway, things came to a head a little over 3 weeks ago. He stayed out all night again (he had finished work for the holidays) and he said he fell asleep at the bar he owns. I kicked him out (out of frustration) and told him to come get his things. There has been no real talk of our relationship since. He has reached out to me but I didn't read the signs and was still mad so didn't respond appropriately. We have been to school plays together and he came to Christmas dinner but I have kept all communication about the children until the other night. I told him I needed clarity about why our relationship ended (on his part) and he told me he was lost. He said his head is a mess on account of his dad and hes very angry. Said that he feels like he's going to lose it and he doesn't want me around when he does lose it. I haven't told him that I want to try again because I don't want to add pressure to him if he already feels close to breaking point. How am I meant to play this? Leave him alone to work through his issues and not mention us or leave him alone to work through his issues and tell him I want him to come home? The kids asked him if he still loves me and to come home, he said he does love me but its not that simple. Recently, he hasn't brought up our relationship or whether this is a temporary or permanent thing for him so I dont know where his head is. We had so many years of it being good and now this. I dont know what to do anymore. Ive also asked him if he has someone else but he promises me he hasn't and I'm inclined to believe him because, apart from him staying out all night, theres not been the other signs and he lets me have access to his phone and social media accounts. Please help me work through this and get my head straight. If it helps, he hasn't given me the house key back and has left his work boots here so will need to get in touch to discuss getting them.
Wow, I feel for you and certainly wish things were different.
It definitely sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis aided in part by the reintegration of his father in his life. Add to that two children that need special care and he's likely spinning out of control, so I'd believe him on that point.
In terms of how to deal with it... I'd say give him space and time but still try to keep in communication. Has he talked with you at all about what he means by not wanting you and your children around when he loses it? Has he talked at all about what has triggered this aside from his dad and being angry?
IMO, I think you should be honest about what you want from this. Tell him you want the relationship to continue and work, but that you understand he needs space and time. After that, I'd say give him a month, at least, with no contact other than practical issues relating to your family and finances.
Another thing, and this is important, do you at all fear that he's in such a dark place that he might cause self harm? Staying up all night at a bar drinking is a recipe for disaster when someone is going through a crisis so if signals are there that this could go extremely dark you might come to a point where you need to get an outside presence involved for his own safety and/or yours.
Lastly, had he indicated any issues between the two of you, or thus far has it been all about his relationship with his father and his own demons? What made you kick him out as opposed to trying to get him and you help with the situation?
I know this isn't easy so try to be kind to yourself while things are really tough.