Logic and Emotions - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 08:02 PM Thread Starter
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Logic and Emotions

Wise ones, help me out here...

You know when the logical part of your brain makes sense but you struggle to listen to it?

How do you get over the feeling of "It wasn't fair"...Like logically I know that I am much better now than I used to be when I was married. Logically, I also know that life isn't fair and sometimes I just have to deal with it. But the emotional/angry part of me gets stuck in the "It wasn't fair, what did I do to deserve this...I wish [insert ex partner name] were a better, kinder man" thought process. I try to write it out and sometimes its helpful, and sometimes not so much. Are there other things people do that they find helpful?

I find it sad that I had the strongest emotion for this man I decided to get married to, and felt so strongly in love that I hung on throughout the emotional roller coaster until I couldn't - well now I feel nothing but anger and dislike for this person. That is so sad. I will never be able to return to that feeling of love for this person. Hopefully one day I will be indifferent...but is it terrible of me that I don't quite wish him well?

Does this feeling go away? Until you become indifferent, what can I do to keep feelings at bay? I try to stay busy - but damn some days emotions trump logic.

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 08:10 PM
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Allow yourself to feel those emotions. There is no use in trying to hide your pain. But also know that those very wounds that have scarred you are making you into a stronger, wiser and more empathetic individual.

Last edited by Mr.StrongMan; 01-02-2017 at 08:51 PM.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 08:10 PM
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Re: Logic and Emotions

Ask yourself what do those negative emotions contribute to the process. Not very much.

Find venues to vent your emotional energy. Art, music, starting a new or past hobby, reconnect with friends...

Practice mindfulness. Yoga is a good thing to do. Excercise is not a bad idea either.

See if you can figure out a pattern for your negative thoughts, be it people, places, or activities that trigger them. Avoid - temporarily - environmental factors that may trigger such negative thoughts.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-02-2017, 08:48 PM
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Re: Logic and Emotions

I know how you feel. If anyone asks me about my STBXH, I tell them I wish him nothing but happiness. I figured I could fake it until I actually feel that way. My logical side does, my emotional side not so much.

Focus your energy on other things. If you want unconditional love, loyalty and someone to sleep with that won't screw you over, adopt a dog from your local shelter. Seniors are the best because they won't eat your couch. Mine have been such a comfort. Plus, you will meet a lot of different people when you are walking them or taking them to a dog park. Great icebreaker to making new friends.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 05:31 AM
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Re: Logic and Emotions

I'll share my emotional transitions, but mine might be accelerated and intense because she kicked me out of the house with a trumped up restraining order, which has led to a long period of no contact. When this first went down I was caught up in overwhelming anger and wanted my spouse to have terrible things happen to her, even thinking in very specific ways that I'd like to see her get physically hurt to keep her from doing some of the things she loves to do. At this stage I would also cycle to feeling horribly guilty for those thoughts, and also longing for reconciliation.

A couple of months later, I'm becoming more resigned, but I'm also watching her life fall apart in very sad ways. The parenting issues we always disagreed about have gotten worse since I've left and she is making very irrational choices that all of the experts are urging her not to do (there are scores or therapists, doctors, lawyers etc. involved now). Now that I'm removed from the situation I can see how sick and confused she is and I mostly feel sorry for her. I'm understanding why are marriage failed now that I'm not still trying to battle the irrationality constantly.

I'm also realizing that I still care about her, but the romantic feelings are slipping away gradually. Still not 100%, but close. She has hurt me too badly for that kind of love to stick with me, but I still care for her the way I do for my children who are also suffering now tremendously. So yes, from my experience I would suggest that your anger will turn into something different. Without knowing your story it's hard to conjecture what emotions and insights might come next.

I wish I can tell you good ways to cope with this progression away from anger. I've been to support groups, talked it over to death with my mother, sister and other family members. Nothing made me feel good as I was going through it. Just keep living and be open to new revelations about yourself and your past relationship that will come with time.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 06:29 AM
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Re: Logic and Emotions

Holding on to the anger you have for him is giving him power to influence your life. Don't do that, let those emotions go and focus on the positives in your life. As long as you hold on to that anger or play the blame game, you can never freely move on. I know it's hard, I had to do this with a family member but as long as you keep those emotion in your head and heart, they are always going to have power over you. Reclaim your life, you can't change him, but you can change yourself to be a better, happier person. Choose to not let his failures influence your future. I wish you all the best. The break down on a relationship is never easy.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 05:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Logic and Emotions

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for responding and offering helpful suggestions.

I have been trying to keep myself busy - or should I say life has kept me busy by throwing lots of things my way. I am nearing a year of separation now. When I got married we had two huge weddings - in two different countries. Anyway I survived one of the anniversaries and the other is today. I will say that the first one was difficult, but today feels like a normal day. Maybe because I am quite sick as well and have spent most of the day on my couch.

Given that I have been sick for the last 10 days, I realized how much I am filled with sadness about losing what I wanted my marriage to be. Obviously, if I was married these last 10 days would have been more hell. It sucks slightly because my family lives pretty far away from me - and so I have to take care of myself during - lets say - tough times of all kinds. Naturally I got married hoping I would have someone to lean on during rough times. Good times are easy - lots of people want to share in good times. And of course I can ask help from friends but you can only ask for so many favours. You dont exactly have someone to warm up your soup for you when you don't wanna get up from your couch. Now granted, I don't think my marriage would have provided me that- so overall I am better off separated.

Looking back at all these months - I am overall happy. I am doing well at work - mostly because I don't have all the stress at home to deal with, so I get a good night sleep and I am not suffering from migraines all the time. I have finally been able to go back to dancing and performing which was taken away during the marriage. I am mostly happy and able to re-establish my friendships that had fallen off as I was trying to save my marriage.

I would say I still have days of anger. I am hoping they will go away more when I am finally able to severe ties after the divorce is finalized. I figure some things I will never stop being angry about - for example - if I see someone being bullied or hear about an experience someone had with bullying (as an adult particularly) or get bullied myself in some setting - it evokes a very strong response in me. I find myself shaking for hours afterwards, or have those emotions re-emerge. Maybe one day the intensity of these emotions will be less...or not. For now, I can say I am managing the best I can.

Divorce sucks.
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 05:40 PM
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Re: Logic and Emotions

Stay as busy as you can. Exercise will help improve your emotions. Eat well. The better you eat, including getting the right and right amounts of vitamins and so forth, the easier it will be to condition your thinking to today.

Stay in the present. Live for today. Don't be foolish, just look for happiness and humor in the moment you are living. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. We can't change the past. All we have is the here and now. Be the best you can be in each moment.

Know you will make mistakes. Recognize that you are human and do the best you can. Know that you are better today than yesterday.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 10:33 AM
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Re: Logic and Emotions

I am in much the same place as you are. One thing I am trying to do is stop the hurtful and unnecessary thoughts. Instead of dwelling on and once again dissecting the situation, I say "So What!" in my head and do something else. The 'so what' helps me remember that it is a situation I cannot control and hurting myself only hurts myself. (profound lol)

My new idea is to stop talking about it endlessly. My poor friends have been so patient. But I see that often when I drone on about it I only make myself feel worse. And make them crazy!

And I have tried to find things that I like to surround myself with. A couple great TV series, computer games, Pokemon Go (I am addicted and I can go play any time - even (frequently) 3am when I can't 'so what' the thoughts away), a good book, my garden, my parrots. I have something good to turn to at any time.

And, I also tell myself that HE isn't spending time feeling this way or worrying about anything.

I wish you the best. May we both get through this and wonder why it ever mattered so much......
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: Logic and Emotions

OP, I have been exactly where you are now (and still am from time to time). Logically something may not make sense. We don't understand, despite the overwhelming need to understand why. One of the things that we forget when we try to figure something out (ie think logically) is that ultimately humans are emotional creatures. Emotions are what sets us apart from animals. So people don't always act logically (although to them it may be completely logical). As you move forward, I think you will realize that whatever happened, happened for a reason. You played some part in that reason, good or bad. But it still happened for a reason. The next step in the logical process is to take whatever lesson you can out of that reason and become a better person.
For instance, I am coming to realize that I did have a part in the demise of my marriage. The demise itself may have been inevitable given who the two of us were, both going into it and coming out of it. As I move forward, away from the devastation of my life, I am starting to feel a sort of embarrassment over how I reacted to everything. I am now much stronger (although no where near as strong as I will become as I continue to peel back the layers of the onion that is me).
Just know this, feel the emotions. Let them guide you towards your truth. Accept the lessons the universe is sending you. Eventually you will find that it all makes sense, even though individually you don't see it.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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