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post #136 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:33 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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no sh*t, tell her that
Your inaction is reinforcing that. At least ask the friend. She may have more info, then you can make a clear choice without as much guilt.

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post #137 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I have heard several husbands try to justify their wives wrong behaviour by claiming its a 'midlife crisis'. I guess it makes you and them feel better, but we cant put everything that happens down to that just because they are a certain age. One man I know said this, and his wife wasn't even 40.

If she really is depressed then she would surely seek professional help.
She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. She won't get help, she hates talking to people about herself and has told me no to a MC because of that as well. In the next breath she is telling me that everything overwhelms her and she can't handle anything at the moment. She is in hiding till it goes away.....it is like she went from a 40 something to acting like a child. Crossing her arms and holding her breath. Her mood depends on which way the wind is blowing that day.
I am just sitting back at this point and enjoying the ride.....until we run out of track!!
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post #138 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Your inaction is reinforcing that. At least ask the friend. She may have more info, then you can make a clear choice without as much guilt.
Her friend would have zero info, my wife does not talk about anything to do with herself....gets that from her family.I have made my choice, family being together is my ultimate goal. If it doesn't happen, well I tried. Life goes on but I'm not giving up just yet. Perhaps if she would stop telling me she loves me....but even then, who knows.
I have already started readying the book, When the Relationship Ends just in case!!
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post #139 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 12:38 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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If she really is depressed then she would surely seek professional help.
They rarely seek help, once in the grips of depression the depressed person further isolates themselves and fall farther into the depressed state. The depression becomes the new normal for them. Until they have lost everything or on the verge of losing everything they languish in the depression and often even losing it all doesn't push them to seek help, it only reinforces the depression.

If these changes in her behavior are related to menopause that can take years.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #140 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 01:12 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

.

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post #141 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 03:10 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Canada75, I mentioned perimenopause/menopause and you seem to have let that one slip by. Have you considered it at all? It can play havoc with marriages, relationships and for some women it can be sheer hell. She doesn't know whether she is coming or going.

Too often the medical community put it down to depression, etc and hope to treat it with Xanax, etc. Husbands think wives are just being difficult. She sounds like a prime candidate.
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post #142 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 04:04 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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They rarely seek help, once in the grips of depression the depressed person further isolates themselves and fall farther into the depressed state. The depression becomes the new normal for them. Until they have lost everything or on the verge of losing everything they languish in the depression and often even losing it all doesn't push them to seek help, it only reinforces the depression.

If these changes in her behavior are related to menopause that can take years.
I had severe clinical depression for many years in the past. Believe me I felt SO dreadful and desperate, I sought all the help I could get. Unless she is in her late 40's or older I doubt this has anything to do with the menopause, and even if it was, there are many ways she can get help for that as well.
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post #143 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 04:04 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

If she is have depression and mental issues, she *COULD* be a danger to your son.

This could be an exit situation. As buying a condo *IS NOT* a way to spend a while to sort things out. Going to her sisters for a week or so = sorting things out. By doing this, and going for divorce... this creates the "break up" which would allow a respectable new MAN in her life to come along.

This is why it IS important to know for sure if SHE IS cheating on you or not. Cheaters may sometimes cut-off friends who are against the affair. If you don't bother to find out, and 3 months from now - you find out she just happened to start dating Donald, marketing VP. Well, it's not cheating since you are divorcing. But then you may always wonder. Then your son is hanging around this guy who might have broken up your marriage. Because Donald is making good money and while its okay for him to date a co-worker, it would get him fired if he's having an affair with a married woman. HUGE DIFFERENCE!

When my wife was cheating on me. She was at tears "I don't know what's going on in my head. I'm trying to work things out" and things got worse.

Ask yourself... Do you want your child, being co-raised by the guy who helped break your marriage? If she just has a mental issue, can it be dangerous? Therapy should be a requirement of some sort.
If any of this concerns you, then you'll need to be sure and then we'll help you find out.

PS: Its also possible that she had an affair with someone, who won't go to the next level with you married to her. So he puts her on PAUSE until divorce process starts. So she moves out and is torn between two worlds in her own limbo. Hence, you'll need to do research months before the move-out. Think people don't do thing kind of thing? You'll be surprised.

Her words have little value... just as it was odd for her to move out. These are red flags.

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post #144 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 04:21 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. She won't get help, she hates talking to people about herself and has told me no to a MC because of that as well. In the next breath she is telling me that everything overwhelms her and she can't handle anything at the moment. She is in hiding till it goes away.....it is like she went from a 40 something to acting like a child. Crossing her arms and holding her breath. Her mood depends on which way the wind is blowing that day.
I am just sitting back at this point and enjoying the ride.....until we run out of track!!
She doesn't make sense because she isn't telling the truth. Mid life crisis has been debated here ad nauseam. So much so that I don't believe in it anymore either. Leaving a husband is common. Leaving a child is unconscionable.

You discount our opinions but this has played out thousands of times here. Your wife is following a well worn script. You're simply playing a common script of denial also.

Could you be correct? Yes of course but the odds are worse than 100 to 1.
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post #145 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 04:26 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

By the way, do you have a copy of the 180? Some of the points of the 180 that seem so minor are actually the most important, for example not discussing the relationship with her and being cheerful and good natured around her. She needs to believe you are doing great and getting along just fine. Treat her like a friendly postman but impersonal. Her problems are no longer your concern.

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post #146 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 10:45 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I have already contacted a child psychologist and will be setting up an appointment soon. Other then that he is fine at the moment and we both talk to him about what is going on and how he is feeling. He is in the loop and knows everything.
As far as the example goes, that is my problem and not yours and I will deal with that when the time comes.
Stop trying to make me feel bad for trying to get my family back together. It is important to me to try and get us back to a place that we can all heal together. If it doesn't work, I will be able to sleep knowing I did everything in my power to try and save my family. I am dedicated to them, even after she checked out. I don't chuck someone away I have been with for 16 years because she is having some sort of crisis/depression etc. She may, but that isn't me. She needs help, and I will stand my her and be the anchor for my family till she has either gotten help, met someone else, or served me with papers of some sort. Until then I am good at the moment and play it day by day.
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I don't care to ask, and wouldn't anyways. Her friend wouldn't tell me anything anyways. It isn't about what she knows or doesn't. My wife has left, and is having some sort of mid life crisis. I know where this is most likely headed but that doesn't mean I just give up.
Bull ****. You can't even be bothered to pick up a phone and ask a question.

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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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post #147 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 07:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Bull ****. You can't even be bothered to pick up a phone and ask a question.
I talked to her friend at the beginning and she wasn't helpful. They still talk once in awhile, but calling her and bugging her would only cause a backlash from my wife. It would do more harm then good.
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post #148 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 07:39 PM Thread Starter
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By the way, do you have a copy of the 180? Some of the points of the 180 that seem so minor are actually the most important, for example not discussing the relationship with her and being cheerful and good natured around her. She needs to believe you are doing great and getting along just fine. Treat her like a friendly postman but impersonal. Her problems are no longer your concern.
Check!!
Was just re-reading it and I am doing most of them if not all of them. I do send her a small text once in awhile but just to say hi and sometimes that is all I say....or about our son. Other then that, I am just putting all the effort I use to put towards trying to get her back and shifted it all to my son. We have tried new things together and have a great time every weekend. I was actually shocked that I do pretty much all of them. It is hard, but that is when I call a friend instead of her.

Last edited by Canada75; 02-09-2017 at 09:18 PM.
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post #149 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 08:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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She doesn't make sense because she isn't telling the truth. Mid life crisis has been debated here ad nauseam. So much so that I don't believe in it anymore either. Leaving a husband is common. Leaving a child is unconscionable.

You discount our opinions but this has played out thousands of times here. Your wife is following a well worn script. You're simply playing a common script of denial also.

Could you be correct? Yes of course but the odds are worse than 100 to 1.
She has left me and we split our son between the two places. I don't discount everyone's opinion but some would cause more harm then good at this point. I don't doubt I am in denial of some sort but it is a roller coaster ride at the moment and I will try and deal with the ride as long as I can to try and show her that I'm not giving up on her.
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post #150 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 07:42 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Check!!
Was just re-reading it and I am doing most of them if not all of them. I do send her a small text once in awhile but just to say hi and sometimes that is all I say....or about our son. Other then that, I am just putting all the effort I use to put towards trying to get her back and shifted it all to my son. We have tried new things together and have a great time every weekend. I was actually shocked that I do pretty much all of them. It is hard, but that is when I call a friend instead of her.
Stop with those texts that just say "hi." I did the exact same thing for the first few months after my wife left and it never helped. Recently, she did that to me twice and it made me angry and upset as well. It comes off as baiting contact (which it probably is every time) and weak. You said that it's all you send "sometimes"—what else do you text her besides those regarding your son?

If your goal is to reconcile the texts are one surefire way to undermine your efforts. The 180 obviously isn't guaranteed to work either but it will, if nothing else, help get you out of this desperate limbo state. Almost everyone on here as likely been in that position and there is nothing worse.
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