Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?) - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:29 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Mid life crisis= new love interest for a married woman.

Her putting your name in the mortgage means nothing more than using your credit (using YOU) to get a new place.
You are letting your wife knowingly make you utterly miserable.
She knows this is killing you.
She says "have faith in her"????
For how long?

Ok, have faith. But at least get a freaking time line. If she's not back by June 21st, file for divorce and move on. Don't you think you count for at least a little? Does she think your feelings are unimportant?

You know this person. What fo YOU think made her suddenly dislike living with you so much that she moved out and BOUGHT her own place?

If you don't know, then you need to start looking for answers.

QFT

That's a big step, something not made on a whim. Something that is thought out and planned. Renting an apartment for a few months is one thing, not this. This indicates permanency.


“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #17 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:31 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

I have. My ex walked out (actually snuck out) on me and 5 kids. Said he loved me, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but he didn't want to "do this" (meaning be married) anymore. He also did not want a divorce. Did not want the hassle of having to GET divorced, or "getting the court involved".

It may have been a midlife crisis.... he was a prime candidate for one. He rented an apartment on the beach, began dating immediately, called me now and then to whine about being lonely, or sorry, or whatever....

We'd been together for 23 years. It was heartbreaking for me. But I was also p*ssed. And I had kids who needed a normal, sane parent.

It's been 11 years now. I've remarried and life is wonderful. He recently remarried, but I cannot figure out why. They don't live together, he still lives in that apartment on the beach and I can't see that he has anything positive to bring to a marriage.... it's weird. But it's not my problem, and I lose no sleep over it.

So yes, I've been there. It sucks at first. I did all those things I advised you to do to start moving forward. Separating literally yourself from the marriage. It gets better, it gets easier. It all takes time.

Plan for the worst (get all the divorce info you can) and hope for the best.....there's no telling what the future will bring. Ya know, she MAY come around if she thinks you are actually divorcing her. But don't threaten it if you're not going to do it. And she may come around in a few years, finding out that y'all really did have a good thing and she wants that back. By then, you may have moved on and not want her any more. Or you may lose all respect for someone who just walks out on you.

But really, right now, take care of yourself. Do positive things for YOU. Stop doing anything for her.
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post #18 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Mid life crisis= new love interest for a married woman.

Her putting your name in the mortgage means nothing more than using your credit (using YOU) to get a new place.
You are letting your wife knowingly make you utterly miserable.
She knows this is killing you.
She says "have faith in her"????
For how long?

Ok, have faith. But at least get a freaking time line. If she's not back by June 21st, file for divorce and move on. Don't you think you count for at least a little? Does she think your feelings are unimportant?

You know this person. What fo YOU think made her suddenly dislike living with you so much that she moved out and BOUGHT her own place?

If you don't know, then you need to start looking for answers.
We have grown apart a bit over the years and instead of making each other first we let our child become first in our lives. She said just before leaving that she can't see herself growing old with anyone else and that she just needs some space and doesn't know why she is doing this. It has only been 2 months, and if I push it and keep at her it will only drive her further into whatever depression she is going through and I would lose her....which obviously I don't want.
She is being very selfish, but at the same time with her leaving I have had a chance to step back and realize we have a few things that need to change and we need to make each other our first priority again and that will take time. Perhaps starting again like dating to try and rekindle the love we had before we had our son.
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post #19 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:38 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
I understand, but I would never do that....it's not the type of person I am. If she chooses to go off and be with someone else and is happy then (although hurt) I would want that. I have always wanted her to be happy and if that is the way it goes so be it. I wouldn't take her to the cleaners with a nasty lawyer, although I could go for custody as she left the marital home....but what example would that set for my son as the type of man to be.
Don't set yourself up to be an example to you son of being a pushover either. If some of us are right and she is cheating on you (which with every post I feel is more certain) then she is abusing your trust and allowing yourself to be bullied is no example to set for your son. Again, most of the time, moving to a different apartment means cheating. Because leaving a marriage to save it makes no logical sense. That is not what people do when they are trying to save a marriage. But people get apartments when they want to make it easier to have affairs.

Look I hate being such a pessimist, I really do but whatever is going on you marriage is holding on by a thread. Show you son an example of a man who is assertive in his life. Tell you wife to 5hit of get off the pot as they say.

I don't know how you got it in your mind that there is something wrong with expecting to be treated with respect but your thinking is incorrect. You wife is your wife, she belongs at home with her family. Or she doesn't want to be your wife. It's really that simple. Part of the problem in the marriage could very well be this passive attitude you have. Passive men get bullied by their wives.

Again, right now as far as every other man out there your wife is a single woman in an apartment with a full time babysitter.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-14-2017 at 11:42 PM.
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post #20 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:42 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
We have grown apart a bit over the years and instead of making each other first we let our child become first in our lives. She said just before leaving that she can't see herself growing old with anyone else and that she just needs some space and doesn't know why she is doing this. It has only been 2 months, and if I push it and keep at her it will only drive her further into whatever depression she is going through and I would lose her....which obviously I don't want.
She is being very selfish, but at the same time with her leaving I have had a chance to step back and realize we have a few things that need to change and we need to make each other our first priority again and that will take time. Perhaps starting again like dating to try and rekindle the love we had before we had our son.
I'm so sorry about this, but what you are describing is a strong desire to nice her back, to try and win her back through kindness and love.
It just doesn't work.
How's that been working for you for the last two months? It won't work any better in the next twenty.

I do think you're right about pressuring her will make her head the other direction.

You can take all the pressure off by just moving on.
Really.
Move on.

It's the only chance you have to be happy. It will be equally effective at both goals that you have.

I do want to mention this: She DOES know why she's doing this. She's just not telling you.
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post #21 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:46 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
We have grown apart a bit over the years and instead of making each other first we let our child become first in our lives. She said just before leaving that she can't see herself growing old with anyone else and that she just needs some space and doesn't know why she is doing this. It has only been 2 months, and if I push it and keep at her it will only drive her further into whatever depression she is going through and I would lose her....which obviously I don't want.
She is being very selfish, but at the same time with her leaving I have had a chance to step back and realize we have a few things that need to change and we need to make each other our first priority again and that will take time. Perhaps starting again like dating to try and rekindle the love we had before we had our son.
t's gonna be hard to rekindle with you living apart, her as a single woman.


You don't speak to her every day. How does she spend her time besides work?

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #22 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Originally Posted by Malaise View Post
t's gonna be hard to rekindle with you living apart, her as a single woman.


You don't speak to her every day. How does she spend her time besides work?
I speak to her everyday, and see her everyday. I don't know what she does while at work but she usually tells me her plans after work and they do seem to check out as I am curious sometimes and keep a tab on bank accounts and such , and yes I have concerns about her seeing someone else but at the same time she seems so mentally fragile at the moment I can't talk to her about things as she starts crying and say's she can't handle this at the moment and is overwhelmed and it sends her back into her little bubble where no one can get to her.
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post #23 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:55 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
I speak to her everyday, and see her everyday. I don't know what she does while at work but she usually tells me her plans after work and they do seem to check out as I am curious sometimes and keep a tab on bank accounts and such , and yes I have concerns about her seeing someone else but at the same time she seems so mentally fragile at the moment I can't talk to her about things as she starts crying and say's she can't handle this at the moment and is overwhelmed and it sends her back into her little bubble where no one can get to her.
What about her family what do they say? Do they know? Does she have a history of mental illness?

On another note have you ever just showed up unannounced? Your name is on the lease.

How long are you willing to live like this?
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post #24 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:59 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Either she has actual mental problems which she needs to see a doctor for, or she's cheating.

I'm 50/50 right now.
Don't know which one.

Bipolar?
What is so bad that seeing you brings her to tears?
Sounds like she's torn between two lovers.

Or, she's just sick in the head.

Who is she really close with?
Is there nobody who you could talk to about her?

Would she let you use her phone if you wanted to, or does she treat it like it was Gollum's "the Precious"??
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post #25 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:01 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
I speak to her everyday, and see her everyday. I don't know what she does while at work but she usually tells me her plans after work and they do seem to check out as I am curious sometimes and keep a tab on bank accounts and such , and yes I have concerns about her seeing someone else but at the same time she seems so mentally fragile at the moment I can't talk to her about things as she starts crying and say's she can't handle this at the moment and is overwhelmed and it sends her back into her little bubble where no one can get to her.
Some might say that this was manipulation. I don't know. Does she do this every time? She can't explain why she bought instead of rented? Investment? TBH, that really sticks out to me.


“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #26 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
What about her family what do they say? Do they know? Does she have a history of mental illness?

On another note have you ever just showed up unannounced? Your name is on the lease.

How long are you willing to live like this?
No, never just showed up as if she is alone then I have my son and wouldn't want to just show up with him. Not sure how long I would do this.....for me it is worth the pain now for a chance to spend the rest of my life with her. She is my best friend, my lover, my wife and I would do anything for her. Her family doesn't say much and I talk to them sometimes, but depression runs in the family for sure. She hasn't been right since her mom died 3 years ago, diagnosed with cancer and dead within a month.
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post #27 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Either she has actual mental problems which she needs to see a doctor for, or she's cheating.

I'm 50/50 right now.
Don't know which one.

Bipolar?
What is so bad that seeing you brings her to tears?
Sounds like she's torn between two lovers.

Or, she's just sick in the head.

Who is she really close with?
Is there nobody who you could talk to about her?

Would she let you use her phone if you wanted to, or does she treat it like it was Gollum's "the Precious"??
No one to talk to about her.....no one that would tell me anything anyways. Seeing me doesn't bring her to tears we still sit and talk and laugh but any kind of serious relationship talk just sends her back into her hole and she just can't seem to talk about it....just to much for her to process it seems like. She almost turns into a small child with any heavy conversaion. The phone thing, well she just got a new work phone...an upgrade so I don't even know about grabbing that to have a look, but that wouldn't help me any if she caught me looking through her texts or emails.
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post #28 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:23 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Get over your fear of losing her she's already gone. You have no idea what's going on because you're too afraid to look. It's your life, future and family too isn't it?

Separation is almost always due to prep for divorce or seeing someone else.

You're like most in this situation. Deep in denial of what you're dealing with.

Your actions are allowing her to cake eat. Nicing her back never works as you've found.

You'll either go your own way like she has or continue on your path of self inflicted limbo.


Read up you need it badly
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LEV...RXc0ByxQ15Zvs-
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post #29 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Some might say that this was manipulation. I don't know. Does she do this every time? She can't explain why she bought instead of rented? Investment? TBH, that really sticks out to me.
We had discussed buying a rental property a few times....and even looked at a few. I try not to talk about our relationship anymore as it does seem to overwhelm her. I send the odd text or email letting her know what she means to me but not face to face "where is this going" conversations as she shuts down and I feel drives her further away from me as if I'm nagging her....so I stopped. I would rather just have "normal" conversations while eating dinner which we do sometimes "family dinners" not just us and over a cup of coffee we can just have a laugh and that is all I feel she can handle at the moment so I leave it at that and she goes home happy instead of upset. I think that is better for me in the long run, as she said she wants space so nagging her when she says she can't handle heavy conversations won't be in my best interest.
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post #30 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:35 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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We had discussed buying a rental property a few times....and even looked at a few. I try not to talk about our relationship anymore as it does seem to overwhelm her. I send the odd text or email letting her know what she means to me but not face to face "where is this going" conversations as she shuts down and I feel drives her further away from me as if I'm nagging her....so I stopped. I would rather just have "normal" conversations while eating dinner which we do sometimes "family dinners" not just us and over a cup of coffee we can just have a laugh and that is all I feel she can handle at the moment so I leave it at that and she goes home happy instead of upset. I think that is better for me in the long run, as she said she wants space so nagging her when she says she can't handle heavy conversations won't be in my best interest.
I thought she wanted space? That doesn't usually mean family dinners and coffee.

Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like she wants to keep you dangling on the line.

Call me cynical.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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