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post #31 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:37 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

She wants space give it to her.

You can make yourself the best you can be it won't matter much.

Cut out the needy, clingy approach. It just makes you look unattractive and weak.

Cut out the texts, emails and calls. Your actions are telling her she is worth and has more value than you. She doesn't.

Read and implement the 180. Find out what's going on. Do you like living like this?

You can't fix her but you'd better fix yourself. Being a Mr nice guy may very well be why you are where you are.

If you can get this you're in for more.

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post #32 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:50 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

The bottom line is until you are willing to change, your situation will stay the same. I don't see your wife coming back anytime soon. I am afraid she is going to blindside you and tell you it's been over for a too long. Then there will be the inevitable boyfriend, who just miraculously shows up out of the blue.

The woman is still your wife, that place is still your house. Get a sitter and show up one of these nights. Just to see.
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post #33 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I thought she wanted space? That doesn't usually mean family dinners and coffee.

Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like she wants to keep you dangling on the line.

Call me cynical.
Well when she drops off our son I ask her if she wants to stay for dinner.....sometimes yes sometimes no. If she comes to collect him for school or drop him off after school on the days I can't I offer her a coffee or tea and we catch up.
F*ck I really don't know what to do. Obviously the people here are telling me things I already know, but if there is even a slim chance of reconciliation with her I'd rather do anything to have that. I will keep trying for awhile longer, although a few comments got me thinking about packing it in but really after 15 years I just want my love back, and work things out and have us really try at a second chance. There is no fighting, we are alright financially, our favorite part of our day was getting our son settled and hanging out together. Suddenly it all went to sh*t, at the same time she was telling me she thinks she is having a mid life crisis and was thinking of going on stress leave at work. I brushed it off as a bad few days and then all her life's problems suddenly was caused by me and she needed space to figure stuff out. I'm totally lost....and yes I've gone to talk to someone and they pretty much said if she asked for space give it to her. If she wants to slowly move back towards the relationship it will be on her terms and not yours. If she doesn't well then you can't do anything about it. Be kind to her, let her know your there for her and at least once a week at the most tell her you love her but don't expect it in return for the time being. If she knows I am there for here, love her and am giving her the space she wants then that is all I can do. Hiring P.Is, divorce attorney's, dumping the 70% of stuff she left here on her door step, going through her condo or phone to find out if she is up to no good or constantly try and talk about what is going to happen with "us" when she doesn't know will only drive her away. So here I sit, trying to suck it up for my son's sake and give her what she wants and be supportive in hopes she realizes that she wants to come back and spend the rest of her life with me and start working on us as a couple instead of us as individuals.
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post #34 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:09 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Well when she drops off our son I ask her if she wants to stay for dinner.....sometimes yes sometimes no. If she comes to collect him for school or drop him off after school on the days I can't I offer her a coffee or tea and we catch up.
F*ck I really don't know what to do. Obviously the people here are telling me things I already know, but if there is even a slim chance of reconciliation with her I'd rather do anything to have that. I will keep trying for awhile longer, although a few comments got me thinking about packing it in but really after 15 years I just want my love back, and work things out and have us really try at a second chance. There is no fighting, we are alright financially, our favorite part of our day was getting our son settled and hanging out together. Suddenly it all went to sh*t, at the same time she was telling me she thinks she is having a mid life crisis and was thinking of going on stress leave at work. I brushed it off as a bad few days and then all her life's problems suddenly was caused by me and she needed space to figure stuff out. I'm totally lost....and yes I've gone to talk to someone and they pretty much said if she asked for space give it to her. If she wants to slowly move back towards the relationship it will be on her terms and not yours. If she doesn't well then you can't do anything about it. Be kind to her, let her know your there for her and at least once a week at the most tell her you love her but don't expect it in return for the time being. If she knows I am there for here, love her and am giving her the space she wants then that is all I can do. Hiring P.Is, divorce attorney's, dumping the 70% of stuff she left here on her door step, going through her condo or phone to find out if she is up to no good or constantly try and talk about what is going to happen with "us" when she doesn't know will only drive her away. So here I sit, trying to suck it up for my son's sake and give her what she wants and be supportive in hopes she realizes that she wants to come back and spend the rest of her life with me and start working on us as a couple instead of us as individuals.
Sounds like cheater script to justify her actions.

You are in deep denial of where you are and acting like a whipped puppy isn't helping you much. You're here for a reason. Trying to justify your own actions won't get you much. Better wake up!!!

You can't push her away she's already gone.
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post #35 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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She wants space give it to her.

You can make yourself the best you can be it won't matter much.

Cut out the needy, clingy approach. It just makes you look unattractive and weak.

Cut out the texts, emails and calls. Your actions are telling her she is worth and has more value than you. She doesn't.

Read and implement the 180. Find out what's going on. Do you like living like this?

You can't fix her but you'd better fix yourself. Being a Mr nice guy may very well be why you are where you are.

If you can get this you're in for more.

Thank you...I totally agree.....I try so hard with the No Contact rule(besides about our son), but fall short often. The needy and clingy was done after the first week or so after I read exactly what you said, it makes me look weak.
But it is hard when I see her so much, everyday if only for a moment....sometimes longer. I feel it will come off as cold.....I know she is being that way and very selfish but I don't want her to think well sh*t I don't want to be around someone who is short with me and won't give me the time of day. I know what she is doing is 10X worse but here is hoping she see's the error in her ways.
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post #36 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:10 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

You can't do 5hit until you know what is really going on. You need to investigate. PI may work, or like i said show up.

By the way what you have now, and maybe this is what you always had doesn't sound like the dynamics of a good relationship. Sounds like she just bullies you. She may not do it with harsh words, she does it by crying and manipulating you into being sympathetic. It is still a terrible unhealthy dynamic. She basically has used her "depression" as a way to control you to the point that you are letting her live in another house.

This is not a marriage. Has it always been like this, whenever you challenge her does she shut down. Again this is another way to control it is just more subtle. The results are the same, you are afraid to have wants and needs in a relationship. It is all about her and her illness. If she is sick she should be getting help for that, not using it to justify running away.

In a good relationship both people have the right to have needs. What about your needs? Why is it so one sided. Most would not be willing to put up with such a disparity. Why are you? Again you seem to have it in your mind that it is somehow wrong to expect your own wife to want to live you you and her kid. Why do you think this way? Your thinking is very passive and wrong.

I ask you what are you showing your son by allowing his mother to abandon her marriage without consequences. Do you want him to end up with a woman who would do the same to him one day. Would you want him to just stay in limbo forever?

You need to look up codependency you are like textbook.

Finally if you are so sure she is not cheating prove us wrong show up one night. Bring flowers so if she is really is alone it can be a nice thing. But use it to check. I don't think your wife is as despairing as you think.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-15-2017 at 01:25 AM.
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post #37 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:12 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

The ones who come out of these situations best get strong, stay there and make their own way.

Strength is attractive
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post #38 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:12 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Canada75;17194946[B
]Well when she drops off our son I ask her if she wants to stay for dinner.....sometimes yes sometimes no. If she comes to collect him for school or drop him off after school on the days I can't I offer her a coffee or tea and we catch up.
[/B] F*ck I really don't know what to do. Obviously the people here are telling me things I already know, but if there is even a slim chance of reconciliation with her I'd rather do anything to have that. I will keep trying for awhile longer, although a few comments got me thinking about packing it in but really after 15 years I just want my love back, and work things out and have us really try at a second chance. There is no fighting, we are alright financially, our favorite part of our day was getting our son settled and hanging out together. Suddenly it all went to sh*t, at the same time she was telling me she thinks she is having a mid life crisis and was thinking of going on stress leave at work. I brushed it off as a bad few days and then all her life's problems suddenly was caused by me and she needed space to figure stuff out. I'm totally lost....and yes I've gone to talk to someone and they pretty much said if she asked for space give it to her. If she wants to slowly move back towards the relationship it will be on her terms and not yours. If she doesn't well then you can't do anything about it. Be kind to her, let her know your there for her and at least once a week at the most tell her you love her but don't expect it in return for the time being. If she knows I am there for here, love her and am giving her the space she wants then that is all I can do. Hiring P.Is, divorce attorney's, dumping the 70% of stuff she left here on her door step, going through her condo or phone to find out if she is up to no good or constantly try and talk about what is going to happen with "us" when she doesn't know will only drive her away. So here I sit, trying to suck it up for my son's sake and give her what she wants and be supportive in hopes she realizes that she wants to come back and spend the rest of her life with me and start working on us as a couple instead of us as individuals.
How is this her getting the space SHE asked for? It was her idea.

She wants space, give it to her. No more dinners, no more coffee. You're polite, that's it.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #39 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:17 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Start having lots of fun with your son. Bring joy to his life by spending time with him and doing great, enriching activities with him. Start turning the family home into your man-cave. Plan things for yourself when she has your son. Be genuinely positive when leaving your son with her, because of the great activities that you have planned for yourself. Make an effort to look sharp all the time. Mentally prepare yourself for the worst case scenario, but be open to any positive changes that you see in her. Read widely and work steadfastly on being the best man that you can be, as this will serve you well for your next and better relationship.
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post #40 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:24 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Thank you...I totally agree.....I try so hard with the No Contact rule(besides about our son), but fall short often. The needy and clingy was done after the first week or so after I read exactly what you said, it makes me look weak.
But it is hard when I see her so much, everyday if only for a moment....sometimes longer. I feel it will come off as cold.....I know she is being that way and very selfish but I don't want her to think well sh*t I don't want to be around someone who is short with me and won't give me the time of day. I know what she is doing is 10X worse but here is hoping she see's the error in her ways.
She had no respect for you. Probably because you have none for yourself. Wake up and get some.

Read your posts and pretend it's a close friend or your brother. What would you think?

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post #41 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:52 AM
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Cool Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I understand, but I would never do that....it's not the type of person I am. If she chooses to go off and be with someone else and is happy then (although hurt) I would want that. I have always wanted her to be happy and if that is the way it goes so be it. I wouldn't take her to the cleaners with a nasty lawyer, although I could go for custody as she left the marital home....but what example would that set for my son as the type of man to be?
How about that as their father, that your holy vows with her, your feelings, your health, and your ultimate well-being are just as every bit important as hers!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #42 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 02:18 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Why does she deserve your endless patience while she gets her sh17 together?

Because you love her?
Or because you need her and you need to fix and /or rescue her?

You are very codependent. Mixed with her depression, neither of you are going to be healed. So, you're going to have to do some hard work here, or you can waste your years hoping and praying she changes, until there's a point where she does, but it's because she finally divorces you because she had enough of living in limbo.

So, you need to learn to have enough of it first. If not for you, then for your son. Right now he's learning that if this ever happens in his marriage, he should wait around until some unknown date when his wife may or may not drop the other shoe. He's learning it's acceptable for his future wife to just up and move out of the home and live somewhere else while pretending to his own son it's only temporary.

Stop being afraid today.
Start the 180.
No more talking with her unless it's about your son, and it's logistics or a mutual decision you must make about him,or it's about finances, which you'll need to discuss separating.
Start learning about codependency. Read "Codependency No More."

Time to live like a man headed for divorce, because until she moves back in and explicitly says she wants to repair the marriage, that's what you are. And in the eyes of many courts, what she has done constitutes abandonment.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #43 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 07:47 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Canada:

Your fear of losing her has nothing do do with her and everything to do with how you view yourself.

As to her actions, please Google and read the Karpman Drama Triangle. It will be an eye opener.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #44 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 08:29 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Didn't read entire thread so I may have missed some things along the way.. But my wife and I have just gotten through a kinda similar situation.. It's a long story as far as what led there but she gave me that I still love you but I need space nonsense as well.. She even went and bought herself another house... It was a 5-6 month process where I tried everything.. From being a pathetic mess crying/begging.. to doing a 180... But none of it mattered because there was another man involved... She did seem a little more interested and less closed off when I could bring myself to 180 her... But no matter what I did.. It didn't have any lasting effects until I discovered her EA and put a stop to it... After that I continued the way I was... Trying to find a happy medium between being overly emotional and doing 180... We live together now in the place she purchased.. Things are far from perfect and we are still doing some damage control... But I decided she was worth all this craziness.. and I'm confident now that at least we are both working together trying to move forward.... So if she truly is still committed to you and just going through some things... I guess you'll just have to wait it out... But after going through it myself I'm with everyone else who says there's a good chance someone else is involved..
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post #45 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 08:42 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Didn't read entire thread so I may have missed some things along the way.. But my wife and I have just gotten through a kinda similar situation.. It's a long story as far as what led there but she gave me that I still love you but I need space nonsense as well.. She even went and bought herself another house... It was a 5-6 month process where I tried everything.. From being a pathetic mess crying/begging.. to doing a 180... But none of it mattered because there was another man involved... She did seem a little more interested and less closed off when I could bring myself to 180 her... But no matter what I did.. It didn't have any lasting effects until I discovered her EA and put a stop to it... After that I continued the way I was... Trying to find a happy medium between being overly emotional and doing 180... We live together now in the place she purchased.. Things are far from perfect and we are still doing some damage control... But I decided she was worth all this craziness.. and I'm confident now that at least we are both working together trying to move forward.... So if she truly is still committed to you and just going through some things... I guess you'll just have to wait it out... But after going through it myself I'm with everyone else who says there's a good chance someone else is involved..
An affair will trump everything at this time. Wake up! You are allowing yourself to be played.
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