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post #46 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 08:48 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

OP won't investigate the possibility of OM because he's afraid there might be one.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #47 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

With the information that you have provided and that was provided to you by your walk away wife it could be one of the three quick conclusions, some already reached by our posters.

a. She is depressed, anxious, confused, overwhelmed, fractious. Maybe having a slow mental breakdown. More likely has had a slow mental transformation involving depression. She is running away from her problems. She is being swept away by her current mental state. Our thought processes change over time. Madly in love today, becomes cool love six months from now, then hate then indifference next year.

b. She is in the midst of an affair, and maybe wants to test drive a few more men. Or, she is getting herself psyched up for intimacy and excitement with a new man . She wants to meet other men and have relations with them to include socializing and affectionate, passionate sex. I think she is revving up her options.

c. She "presently" does not want sex and intimacy with any man. But wants the option to do so if the right man comes along.

Why did she buy the house and then move out. "She is very conflicted inside". Part of her wanted to continue her relationship with you, part of her wanted to get out of the marriage. She chose the exit plan.
She will sow her oats, do the things that she wants, have sex with other men and then decide if her Plan B man is better than the men she meets on the other side of the marriage fence. This will happen, slowly or rapidly. This is less about sex and more about finding herself. Finding herself in a more fulfilling relationship.

I suspect that you will lose this battle. If she had not signed off on the house and had just moved out with no affair partner in the wings, she would be doing the right thing. We recommend people who are unhappy in their marriage to either try to fix the marriage or to honorably get divorced. No games, honest communication, get out legally and honorably. Has she? We do not know at this point.
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post #48 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:02 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

It sounds she is getting everything she wants and she foes not have to make a choice if ever there is no line in the ground and seeing as it takes a year for divorce to come through, I would tell her your filing for divorce and she can either work on the marriage or not but the clock is ticking and that you also need prove there is no other person involved.....and reminder that condo is community property so you now owe half as part of the settlement....here is the thing stopping act like a doormat, put on your big boy pants on and grow a pair.
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post #49 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:09 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

When I was in my early 40's (perimenopause for many woman) I fell into a very deep depression for the first time in my life. I was on medication but it seemed to make it worse- almost no feelings other than overwhelming sadness. Most of the time I felt like I wanted to be catatonic in a hayfield somewhere. I felt that I couldnt handle being around anyone including my own kids. It was all so hard. I would come home from work and either go to bed or lay on the couch. I was silent unless it was necessary to talk. I didnt want to touch anyone including my kids. I was unable to do much of anything. It felt empty and sad and embarassing. It felt like I had failed everyone including myself. I considered suicide once briefly but was too lazy.

H said he would love the kids enough for the 2 of us and not to worry. He would take over everything. He did. Remembering this makes me feel overwhelmed with gratitude.

If I had had an inheritance at the time and had the energy to do it I would have bought a condo to serve as the hayfield so i could be catatonic for hours without anyone bothering me. Maybe thats what she has done because she could. Maybe being alone in the condo allows her to have the energy at times to see you and the kids without staring into her dinner plate. Its a possibility.
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post #50 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:12 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
No, never just showed up as if she is alone then I have my son and wouldn't want to just show up with him. Not sure how long I would do this.....for me it is worth the pain now for a chance to spend the rest of my life with her. She is my best friend, my lover, my wife and I would do anything for her. Her family doesn't say much and I talk to them sometimes, but depression runs in the family for sure. She hasn't been right since her mom died 3 years ago, diagnosed with cancer and dead within a month.
Her mom's death must have triggered the crisis that has her in this depressive funk. The only way you stand a chance of getting your spouse back is with professional help. Sadly, she has to want the help and the help needs to be a good fit for the whole family. Waiting this out without proper anchors is not going to work. I'm sorry your wife is alienating the ones she should be closer to, this is what illness/crisis does to some. Just look at HB'sthread. Her husband is literally dying of cancer and instead of enjoying his beautiful wife and kids, he is doing some God awful, damaging, crazy things.

Sometimes in life, we are thrown curve balls and love is not enough to save a marriage.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #51 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
She had no respect for you. Probably because you have none for yourself. Wake up and get some.

Read your posts and pretend it's a close friend or your brother. What would you think?
Or God forbid your son whom you are modeling this behavior for.
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post #52 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Originally Posted by allnamesaretaken View Post
Didn't read entire thread so I may have missed some things along the way.. But my wife and I have just gotten through a kinda similar situation.. It's a long story as far as what led there but she gave me that I still love you but I need space nonsense as well.. She even went and bought herself another house... It was a 5-6 month process where I tried everything.. From being a pathetic mess crying/begging.. to doing a 180... But none of it mattered because there was another man involved... She did seem a little more interested and less closed off when I could bring myself to 180 her... But no matter what I did.. It didn't have any lasting effects until I discovered her EA and put a stop to it... After that I continued the way I was... Trying to find a happy medium between being overly emotional and doing 180... We live together now in the place she purchased.. Things are far from perfect and we are still doing some damage control... But I decided she was worth all this craziness.. and I'm confident now that at least we are both working together trying to move forward.... So if she truly is still committed to you and just going through some things... I guess you'll just have to wait it out... But after going through it myself I'm with everyone else who says there's a good chance someone else is involved..
I don't want to threadjack but read this. Something is very wrong with someone who can do that to another person, who can lie THAT much. You are risking a whole hell of a lot on someone who is probably very broken. Most of all you are risking time that you can never get back.

End of thread jack.
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post #53 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
Thank you...I totally agree.....I try so hard with the No Contact rule(besides about our son), but fall short often. The needy and clingy was done after the first week or so after I read exactly what you said, it makes me look weak.
But it is hard when I see her so much, everyday if only for a moment....sometimes longer. I feel it will come off as cold.....I know she is being that way and very selfish but I don't want her to think well sh*t I don't want to be around someone who is short with me and won't give me the time of day. I know what she is doing is 10X worse but here is hoping she see's the error in her ways.
Hope kills more marriages than actions. Your stuck in the no win game which happens in the situations. You've convinced yourself if you pull back she will be done, you hang around playing her game hoping she changes her mind yet the longer it goes on the more independent and less "need" she will have for you.

Your actions have only reinforced she can do whatever she wants, she doesn't need to work on herself or the marriage. Eventually she will start telling herself that you'd be better off without her or she will start start telling herself this is for the best because you've allowed this to continue for so long or similar variation of the script. It's all designed where she doesn't need to hold herself accountable for anything.

If she is having depression issues, she is unwilling to work on them. She is unwilling to work on the marriage because you have this perceived "too much pressure" on her which again just allows her to do nothing. You've already have the ever encompassing "mid life crisis" angle stuck in your head which is just code for allowing someone to act like crap and get away with it. All while you hang around waiting for a light bulb to click in her head. Light bulbs only click if someone flips the switch. She doesn't fear losing you, until she does and starts to be held accountable the mess won't change and you endure more limbo which sucks.

Your a couple month's in and not even sure what your up against, you've shown yourself the path you've chosen isn't working. Change course and start taking back control of your life. Time is not your ally, the longer the staus quo goes on the less chance the situation will work out.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #54 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

I would say she is cheating on you. Read Standard Evidence Post and do what it says if you want to be sure.

Personally, I would just tell her "I want you to be happy, so here are the divorce papers."

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #55 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:36 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

As others have advise this is must likely a case of adultery. But i would put FOO issues next then metal illness. FOO issues (family of origin) are like ice bergs. Little or nothing on the surface huge block on the bottom. I estimate that 5 or 6 cases a month show up on the there boards I view. Perhaps half the time the spouse and the outside world have no idea. They can range from emotional, mental, physical, even sexual. When one of these events occur the child's hardwiring is fundamentally changed. In the case of CSA (childhood sexual abuse) they view and experience differently.

You said no family to talk to. Why??? As adults the child often has only superficial relationships although the family appeared close growing up. Please post her background in detail. You need to go to @Uptown view page and read his post. Most apply to BPD but many discuss other issues. Even the BPD will give you a great insight to people in life. Remember mental illness is not like an infection. There are scales used that a normal person will score 1,2 - 6 on one but others lower. Add all the test up and a Phd makes a judgement call.

Finally get a new IC. They should have told you a marriage needs to be equal over time, several months unequal at most. You cannot control her only yourself. Your well being counts and staying static is wrong. You are slowing devolving as an adult.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #56 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 08:37 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
I understand, but I would never do that....it's not the type of person I am. If she chooses to go off and be with someone else and is happy then (although hurt) I would want that. I have always wanted her to be happy and if that is the way it goes so be it. I wouldn't take her to the cleaners with a nasty lawyer, although I could go for custody as she left the marital home....but what example would that set for my son as the type of man to be.
Its sets the POSITIVE example of having dignity and self respect, and not to be a doormat by allowing another person to walk all over you.

Your wife is with someone else and she's stringing you along so she has a free baby sitter (you) so she can spend time with some POSOM.

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid."

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post #57 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

How old was she when you got married? How soon after did you have your kid?
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post #58 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 07:41 PM
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Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Hi, sorry to hear you're going through this.

I have some advice for you based on things I've experienced.... I'm currently going through a separation and my husband is jumping through hoops to try and save the marriage but the needy act is so unappealing to me, I know I can have him when I click my fingers, even though I don't want him, but he is just hanging on like you and seems in denial a bit like you and when a woman knows she has a man on a string it usually just makes us do the opposite of what the man wants because we know he ain't going anywhere.

The best thing you can do is switch tactics....play it cool, stop inviting her for dinner, stop the emails telling her how you miss her and so on. Whilst you're doing these things she knows she has you ready and waiting if she ever decides to come back.

I also think that she may not be having an affair, I have battled with depression for some years and sometimes just need to cut myself off from things for a while. The relationship may be affecting her depression so in her mental state she feels detaching herself from you will help. She may very well intend to come back when she feels a bit better or maybe she's no intentions of coming back at all.

Either way if I were you I would do a bit of snooping to find out if there is another man, even if the snooping is just to rule it out. You can never be too sure what she's up to.

Also, I don't know why you would agree to a further mortgage with her when she's just left you, paying out money that you don't need to! That's basically debt you'll be paying off for years and she may never come back. What happens if she doesn't come back can she afford to buy you out so you can move on with your life. That would be something I'd be concerned with if I were you.

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post #59 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 08:18 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't
You've said this a few times in different ways, but it's still the same thing. She's denying an affair. Do you know that almost ALL cheaters deny affairs? Why bother asking her and why bother posting here that you ask and she denied? It's completely irrelevant what she says because cheaters LIE all the time.

Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life.
Don't make the mistake of expecting her to do things based on logic and common sense. You could say "she's so screwed up the last thing she needs is to break up with me" and you'd probably be right about that too.

Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage".
That's just BS to buy her time while she figures out that she has no intention of returning to you. She isn't coming back but she hasn't quite convinced herself of that. The more you chase her, the more you beg, plead, and remind her of how strong your love is for her and how much she means to you, the easier it will be for her to leave you. I know, you'd think she'd just come running back into your arms when she realizes she's about to lose this fantastic guy who will give her the world, unfortunately that thinking is flawed because it just doesn't work that way. She sees you more and more as this weak, even pathetic, clingy guy who is dependent on her for his very existence, who is crushed at the thought of losing her. Women want guys who are strong and independent and that is not the guy you are showing her when that is exactly what you need to be doing.

Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else.
I'm not saying there's another man, but if the ONLY reason you think there isn't is because she had you sign the mortgage, you better think again. She had you sign the mortgage because it puts you on the hook if she can't or won't pay it. If the mortgage is close to or possibly even greater than the value of the house, she didn't do you any favors, it's the other way around.

Last edited by browser; 01-16-2017 at 08:42 PM.
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post #60 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 07:27 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

I guess he has checked out.
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