Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?) - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 07:56 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Originally Posted by nursejackie View Post
When I was in my early 40's (perimenopause for many woman) I fell into a very deep depression for the first time in my life. I was on medication but it seemed to make it worse- almost no feelings other than overwhelming sadness. Most of the time I felt like I wanted to be catatonic in a hayfield somewhere. I felt that I couldnt handle being around anyone including my own kids. It was all so hard. I would come home from work and either go to bed or lay on the couch. I was silent unless it was necessary to talk. I didnt want to touch anyone including my kids. I was unable to do much of anything. It felt empty and sad and embarassing. It felt like I had failed everyone including myself. I considered suicide once briefly but was too lazy.

H said he would love the kids enough for the 2 of us and not to worry. He would take over everything. He did. Remembering this makes me feel overwhelmed with gratitude.

If I had had an inheritance at the time and had the energy to do it I would have bought a condo to serve as the hayfield so i could be catatonic for hours without anyone bothering me. Maybe thats what she has done because she could. Maybe being alone in the condo allows her to have the energy at times to see you and the kids without staring into her dinner plate. Its a possibility.
This is what I would want to believe. Until the facts say otherwise.


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I never saw this coming.....a month before she left we were looking for a bigger house to buy.
Buying the house pushed her over the edge. This tension was slowly building up for her. She wanted out of the marriage, or away from people as NurseJackie, so eloquently said.

I would file for divorce. Tell her that you are going to do this. Tell her that you are going to start dating in the near future, that you are lonely and need a companion. This may bump her off center.

And yes, do the 180, kindly. Remain friendly, but aloof. I offer this plan because you still love her. If you did not, I would recommend a cooler response.


Last edited by ulyssesheart; 01-17-2017 at 08:01 AM.
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post #62 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:05 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Yes it feels like a very slow break up, but the second I stop being nice I know that it will give her solace in what she is doing. I love her so much, I would have her back when she is ready. I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life. When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage". I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else. Everyone told her to just use her name but she insisted that we buy it together and if later on down the road we got back together we would use it as an investment property.
@Canada75

Oh, they would! That's exactly what @Danny4133's wife did to him. New mortgage whilst she was having an affair.

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #63 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:47 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Your wife is sending out a lot of signals, and you are picking up several. This is my 2cents; Have you tried romance? She is living apart from you, and you are treating this like the new normal. I seriously recommend dating your wife. Take her to dinner, without the kid. Go to movies, dancing, art galleries, whatever pushes the two of you together. She needs to find a new image of you in her head, and you need to go from husband, representing some confusion in her life, to lover. My wife and I were separated for 7 months. Our problem was infidelity on my part. By all standards we should have been long divorced by now, but I was not willing to let go of something good. I replaced her anger with love, and changed my image from philanderer to lover. We went out for coffee almost every night, we talked endlessly, we dated and dated. I think that we saw every movie released that year. We went to every romantic restaurant in town. I knew if I wanted us back, I would have to change her perception, so that the old marriage was gone, and I was the new, if familiar, lover.

Canada 75, start by asking her out. It works.
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post #64 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Your wife is sending out a lot of signals, and you are picking up several. This is my 2cents; Have you tried romance? She is living apart from you, and you are treating this like the new normal. I seriously recommend dating your wife. Take her to dinner, without the kid. Go to movies, dancing, art galleries, whatever pushes the two of you together. She needs to find a new image of you in her head, and you need to go from husband, representing some confusion in her life, to lover. My wife and I were separated for 7 months. Our problem was infidelity on my part. By all standards we should have been long divorced by now, but I was not willing to let go of something good. I replaced her anger with love, and changed my image from philanderer to lover. We went out for coffee almost every night, we talked endlessly, we dated and dated. I think that we saw every movie released that year. We went to every romantic restaurant in town. I knew if I wanted us back, I would have to change her perception, so that the old marriage was gone, and I was the new, if familiar, lover.

Canada 75, start by asking her out. It works.
Dude,
That only works if YOU'RE the filthy cheater and your poor spouse is still in love with you. She WANTED to believe you loved her. You gave her the opportunity to believe that again.

In his case, I bet it will have the EXACT OPPOSITE effect.. I know it will. He should file for divorce and start dating other women. Seriously. The "I love you and I want to date you" routine has gotten him nothing but a distant, cold, heartless wife who treats him like second hand smoke.
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post #65 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:02 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Sure sounds like OM in the picture. steadfast 180 needed. Space is wanted space should be given. Shes telling you what she wants but your not listening.

Canada imagine this:

Next time she drops the kid off; instead of inviting her in you let your son in, tell her with a big smile that you've got plans, then close the door. Then go out with your kid. Tell her nothing - if she asks reiterate that this is what space looks like.

Whats her reaction to that vs clinging and needing. Truth is it doesnt matter what her reaction is but I bet it gets her attention far more then the needing.
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post #66 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

I went back and re-read Canada's first post. I realize this is not a cheating situation. This is a confusion situation. Romance is NOT the pick me dance. This is a campaign to suggest to her that life would be better as a couple rather than sitting in a little condo all alone. I know that my situation was very different, but the strategies are solid. It should NEVER look as if you are needy, as that sends the wrong signal. Here, you are looking at being man and woman. Nothing more or less. Women, unlike men, respond well to this, I have found. I have recommended this approach to others when they questioned the direction of their marriage. I do not profess to being anything other than what I am and I do not profess that this approach is the be all and end all. What I do profess is that this is a kind and gentle method to broach the divide between Canada and his wife. She appears to be confused and skittish. She does not know what is missing in her life, but she feels that there is a distance between them. This can convince her that the distance is less than she originally thought. The other benefit is that this can change her perception of her spouse. If she saw him as uncommitted or distant or even less than that, it shows her that he is committed to her as a wife and the distance was not on purpose.

One of the reasons I no longer go to SI is that the advice given always led to divorce. Reconciliation seemed to be an almost unnatural ending to marital discord. I agree that what happens on SI is extreme marital discord, however, I see very little is to be gained by running to the lawyers immediately. Given the history and I sincerely believe the lack of infidelity in this, I think that the distance between Canada and his wife can be broached with kindness and love. Feel free to brickbat me, but I'm sorry, I am old fashioned, and a romantic. Love should always win out.

Last edited by Taxman; 01-17-2017 at 12:53 PM.
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post #67 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 07:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Well it has been almost a week that I have cut off contact with my wife unless it has to do with our son and then only through text. I'm not trying the "180" I have just had it trying so hard to get her to talk at all about our relationship or even where her mind set is. I have literally given up and now I have turned all the energy I put into trying to get through to her and directed at having as much fun as possible with my son when he is with me which is 4 days a week. It feels good not to be in that lost mind set that I never thought I would get out of. I didn't get out of it on purpose, it just happened one day as I got fed up of trying so hard with nothing in return but being yelled at or just made to feel like sh*t. I have accepted I have tried everything possible to save our marriage and It is up to her now. If she wants it, she will have to now work as hard as I did to bring me back into the fold. I don't deserve to be treated like that and I will continue my life and make the best of it and leave her alone to deal with whatever issues that she needed space for in the first place. I will have lonely nights, but I'm a good guy and if she doesn't want a good, kind, loyal, understanding man to be with then there will be others out there somewhere that will. Thanks for all the support from everyone and I will keep you updated.
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post #68 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 07:53 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Chasing an errant spouse and trying to make them come back into the marriage never works. It just pushes them farther and faster away, and you lose what little bit of respect they had left for you.

Focus on yourself and your kids. Your wife is going to do what she wants to do and nothing you can say or do will sway her towards reconciliation. Let go of the outcome.
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post #69 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 07:57 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

You gave her the space she wanted, let's see if she still loves you.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


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post #70 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 08:11 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy?

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post #71 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 08:27 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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No, never just showed up as if she is alone then I have my son and wouldn't want to just show up with him. Not sure how long I would do this.....for me it is worth the pain now for a chance to spend the rest of my life with her. She is my best friend, my lover, my wife and I would do anything for her. Her family doesn't say much and I talk to them sometimes, but depression runs in the family for sure. She hasn't been right since her mom died 3 years ago, diagnosed with cancer and dead within a month.
Sorry you're going through this Canada75. Perception is reality and she needs to believe she's lucky to have you and if she doesn't have you then some other lucky woman will. That's a hard message to send while she thinks you're patiently waiting on her to change her mind. More likely she thinks you're emotionally weak and can't live without her which might be how you feel. The first step is you realizing that someone is lucky to be with you.

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post #72 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 08:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Sorry you're going through this Canada75. Perception is reality and she needs to believe she's lucky to have you and if she doesn't have you then some other lucky woman will. That's a hard message to send while she thinks you're patiently waiting on her to change her mind. More likely she thinks you're emotionally weak and can't live without her which might be how you feel. The first step is you realizing that someone is lucky to be with you.
That is where I'm at now. I'm done waiting and done trying. I realized I can live without her and be happy and am doing so moving forward. I still love her, but at the same time I don't deserve to be treated like this when I have done nothing but be a good man and husband to her. I'm excited about where my new future will take me. If at some point she wants to work on things, then I will decide then what to do. I am going forward as if we are done and she is not coming back.
It has been a tough 2 months, but it finally dawned on me that I have done nothing wrong and I have been the only one trying to fix our relationship/marriage/family that she broke by leaving.....so whats the point. I can't help someone when they don't want it....she wants some space, well she can have all the space she wants while I move on with my life.
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post #73 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 08:46 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Do you have a timeframe in mind? How long will you live in limbo before moving on?

You deserve a life too.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #74 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 08:49 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I could go for custody as she left the marital home....but what example would that set for my son as the type of man to be.
A man with some self respect and boundaries that loves his children and wants what's best for them?
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post #75 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 08:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Do you have a timeframe in mind? How long will you live in limbo before moving on?

You deserve a life too.
No time frame as of yet, just moving on. This step took me 2 months and has only been a week. Will deal with the finances when I feel the time is right.
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