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post #76 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 09:05 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

OP you really want to get your balls back.? file for Divorce and go buy a whole new wardrobe. OK you don't know what pick out find the hot chick that works there have her pick it out outfits for you... Hit the gym every day.! next time you talk to her act like she's bothering you...I mean like just be irritated. And when she sees you make sure you're smiling and having a good time and you're on with some hot Younger piece... do not act interested in her at all nothing like just even talking to her for two seconds is a inconvenience to you. That will really tell her for a loop... just remember everything she did to you dude did you believe you caused all this F her buddy


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post #77 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 10:35 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Nice work. If you chase they always move farther away
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post #78 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 12:39 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
Well it has been almost a week that I have cut off contact with my wife unless it has to do with our son and then only through text. I'm not trying the "180" I have just had it trying so hard to get her to talk at all about our relationship or even where her mind set is. I have literally given up and now I have turned all the energy I put into trying to get through to her and directed at having as much fun as possible with my son when he is with me which is 4 days a week. It feels good not to be in that lost mind set that I never thought I would get out of. I didn't get out of it on purpose, it just happened one day as I got fed up of trying so hard with nothing in return but being yelled at or just made to feel like sh*t. I have accepted I have tried everything possible to save our marriage and It is up to her now. If she wants it, she will have to now work as hard as I did to bring me back into the fold. I don't deserve to be treated like that and I will continue my life and make the best of it and leave her alone to deal with whatever issues that she needed space for in the first place. I will have lonely nights, but I'm a good guy and if she doesn't want a good, kind, loyal, understanding man to be with then there will be others out there somewhere that will. Thanks for all the support from everyone and I will keep you updated.



Canada75 throughout your thread your wife was emotionally fragile but largely docile. The part I highlighted above seems to indicate that harsh words were exchanged and that she yelled at you. Am I reading this right? Seems out of character with your thread.

If she did use harsh words with you maybe that is the impetus you need to get off dead center and get yourself out of this soul sucking place called limbo.
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post #79 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 07:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Canada75 throughout your thread your wife was emotionally fragile but largely docile. The part I highlighted above seems to indicate that harsh words were exchanged and that she yelled at you. Am I reading this right? Seems out of character with your thread.

If she did use harsh words with you maybe that is the impetus you need to get off dead center and get yourself out of this soul sucking place called limbo.
Yep, totally out of character. All I wanted was to open a dialogue (haven't tried to talk about us in a month since the same thing happened) about where she thinks this is going. Not so much harsh words but definitely loud and emotional that she can't handle talking about it because she has no idea what she is going to do, when she will be back or if she will ever be back(her words). It was like she imploded inside when I asked her how things were going and what is she thinking about us.
I haven't contacted her since (besides to do with our son) and I am done trying and going to move on with my life. After 16 years the least I deserve is an adult conversation about where we stand, not crying and telling me she can't handle talking about it. 2 days later she greats me at the door when I picked my son up with a big smile and happily asking about how my day went?? I noticed a book I wanted on the steps and she said oops.....I bought you a book. I asked if it was meant for my birthday (Feb) and she said yes. I said thank you but please don't buy me anything else for my birthday.....smile turned to frown.
Got a text 10 mins after I left apologizing for losing it 2 days before and another saying that she should be apologizing in person as well.
I can't keep up. One day I think it is obviously over and the next she is buying me a birthday present. This isn't normal behavior. I really wish she would go and see someone but she has refused.....said she just needs to be alone and have space to figure it out. 2 months in and still nothing figured out except she enjoys shopping while furnishing her new place. I called it "retail therapy" to her and she said I know I have to stop shopping.....and it isn't helping anyways!!
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post #80 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 07:58 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

She wanted space give it to her. Cut out any unneeded dialog.

It's what's needed at this time
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post #81 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:03 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

If she wants to be indecisive, you take control and make the decision. You saw what happened when you pull the way. She chased. However, the moment you begin reciprocate she starts to pull away. That Push Pull Dynamic is indicative typically of two things: either personality disorder, or deep resentment. Unless she is willing to address whichever of those it may be, there is little you can do to overcome it.

Focus on you, keep moving on, and have a definite point of no return lest you remain in limbo for an extended period of time.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

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post #82 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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She wanted space give it to her. Cut out any unneeded dialog.

It's what's needed at this time
I have....a week now. No contact unless it has been about our son and then only through text. I do see her when I pick him up from her place, but it is short and sweet.....Hello, lets go buddy, and bye.
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post #83 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:49 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Originally Posted by Canada75 View Post
That is where I'm at now. I'm done waiting and done trying. I realized I can live without her and be happy and am doing so moving forward. I still love her, but at the same time I don't deserve to be treated like this when I have done nothing but be a good man and husband to her. I'm excited about where my new future will take me. If at some point she wants to work on things, then I will decide then what to do. I am going forward as if we are done and she is not coming back.
It has been a tough 2 months, but it finally dawned on me that I have done nothing wrong and I have been the only one trying to fix our relationship/marriage/family that she broke by leaving.....so whats the point. I can't help someone when they don't want it....she wants some space, well she can have all the space she wants while I move on with my life.
That's good to hear. A lot of people get stuck in a state of limbo waiting to see if things are going to work out but that's such a miserable and anti-productive place to be. It's one thing to give someone their space but it's not healthy to put you life on hold for them. Good luck man.

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post #84 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:59 PM
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Separate the bank accounts. Separate the finances. Start figuring it as if you are permanently separated. When a person moves out of a marriage, they do so with the risk of not receiving any more financial support, unless ordered by the courts. Basically, since she moved out she should be paying her own way. You pay your home bills, she pays hers. Since some bills are probably for both of you such as insurance and phone...whoever is the payer should get half the money from the other. She should pay her own way now. You are not living as a couple, she doesn't want to be a couple, you shouldn't mingle the money as a couple. Time to think about UNcoupling.

Pack up her stuff at the house.....you can store it in the garage or offer it to her, but you don't have to live as if she is going to walk back in at any minute. (I would physically pack it up and take it to her. Tell her that she forgot a few things. Not to be mean, but to not LIVE with all her stuff when she doesn't want to live there) *Actually, on second thought....I'd just pack it all up (and by pack it up I mean dump it in boxes and trash bags) and store it in the garage and not say anything to her. You don't have to explain things anymore. When she sees that you've changed things, you just shrug and say that she doesn't live here now.

I painted a huge mural on my bedroom wall when my ex walked out. He asked about it once and I told him, you don't live here so I'm just doing it how I want. Period. Nothing he could say about that.

Pack up wedding pictures, couple pictures (you can put a few in son's room) , knick knacks, anything with flowers on it, etc.... you can put a few in son's room.

Rearrange the furniture... make it to your liking. It's more about taking control of what you can. Making the space YOURS.

Paint the bedroom in your favorite color. Get new bedding if you can. Pack away all her toiletries and hair stuff. USE her half of the closet, even if you just spread your clothes out.

See an attorney, find out what the deal is regarding divorce, separation, child visitation, custody, etc.... do your homework so at least you are prepared mentally.

The point is.... that since she moved out, you should make your place YOURS. Not to be mean, but it does send a message to her that you are not pining away, waiting with baited breath for her to come home. Even if you are.... you have to start thinking like a single dad who shares custody.
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post #85 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 09:26 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I have....a week now. No contact unless it has been about our son and then only through text. I do see her when I pick him up from her place, but it is short and sweet.....Hello, lets go buddy, and bye.
Never answer a call directly. If it's not about your son or business just delete with no response.


Any response should be civil and short

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post #86 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 09:44 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I have....a week now. No contact unless it has been about our son and then only through text. I do see her when I pick him up from her place, but it is short and sweet.....Hello, lets go buddy, and bye.
Good. Keep this up, and get the divorce moving.

A married woman who BUYS a condo is done with her marriage. Period. End of story. Oh, and you can pretty much count on there being a boyfriend.

You are making strides.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #87 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 10:23 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Dude,
That only works if YOU'RE the filthy cheater and your poor spouse is still in love with you. She WANTED to believe you loved her. You gave her the opportunity to believe that again.

In his case, I bet it will have the EXACT OPPOSITE effect.. I know it will. He should file for divorce and start dating other women. Seriously. The "I love you and I want to date you" routine has gotten him nothing but a distant, cold, heartless wife who treats him like second hand smoke.
We don't know exactly what her story is

1. It could be cheating
2.It could be menopause

Both require very different responses.
Therefore find out if she is cheating, follow the standard evidence thread for this. If she is cheating then dump her like a ton of bricks and get yourself a lawyer and IC

If it is menopause, this is a totally different kettle of fish. Arm yourself with knowledge. Many woman feel desperate, they feel used up after years of pandering to everyone else and some just want to jack it all in. I have been on that bandwagon and it is not a pleasant place to me, there is no purpose, no future.
As I say find out what it is all about and be supportive of her.
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post #88 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 11:47 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Yes it feels like a very slow break up, but the second I stop being nice I know that it will give her solace in what she is doing. I love her so much, I would have her back when she is ready. I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life. When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage". I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else. Everyone told her to just use her name but she insisted that we buy it together and if later on down the road we got back together we would use it as an investment property.

Putting your name on the mortgage makes you liable for half of it when she divorces you. Is your name also on the title? If your W received an inheritance why did she need to get mortgage? If she kept her inheritance in a separate account and did not use it for her condo, that money is all hers. You can't touch it in a divorce.

Speak with a shark-like attorney and find out your rights ad responsibilities. Have the attorney get your name off the mortgage immediately. Pack up all her things and take them to her condo. Tell her you don't want her to do without a thing. Don't let her turn on the waterworks to get you to take it back to your place; it is your place, she has moved out. Her tears are just a manipulation tool to get you to do what she wants. Stop falling for it.

Get yourself some IC to lean why you put up with her crap stop it.

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post #89 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 01:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Putting your name on the mortgage makes you liable for half of it when she divorces you. Is your name also on the title? If your W received an inheritance why did she need to get mortgage? If she kept her inheritance in a separate account and did not use it for her condo, that money is all hers. You can't touch it in a divorce.

Speak with a shark-like attorney and find out your rights ad responsibilities. Have the attorney get your name off the mortgage immediately. Pack up all her things and take them to her condo. Tell her you don't want her to do without a thing. Don't let her turn on the waterworks to get you to take it back to your place; it is your place, she has moved out. Her tears are just a manipulation tool to get you to do what she wants. Stop falling for it.

Get yourself some IC to lean why you put up with her crap stop it.

IamSomebody

When I say my name is on the mortgage I mean we both own the place together....so to speak, and yes it is in both our names on the title. She didn't need me or "my" money to get approved for the mortgage and she used the small inheritance as a down payment. Even without the money she would of been approved just on what she makes, the down payment just meant she didn't have to pay a certain buyers fee on the purchase.....some law in Canada. So, she spent 80% of her inheritance to save a bit of money on the purchase and to keep the monthly mortgage payments low. Everyone told her to just buy it on her own, but she said she wanted my name on it. We still run everything out of our joint account and the place I'm living has higher monthly payments. Did I mention the closing date was a month and a half away and we decided to work on things.....it went well I thought we were all good. We even had a renter move in the first week we got it....then the cheque bounced and he went missing. 3 weeks later she decided to move in out of the blue.
We both have good jobs and she makes more then me.....but even so, I was banking on having someone rent the place and not carry two mortgages. Money is tight, but it all comes out of our account which we both get payed into.....bills, both mortgage payments, groceries...etc etc. The money she used to furnish the place was the other 20% of the money she inherited....and a little from our account for stuff for our son.
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post #90 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 09:15 AM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Two months and no decisions. I would ask if she thinks it is time you moved on. You are in limbo and she is keeping you there. Not fair to you. Let her know you love her but cannot put up with this much longer. My words to her would be get help or I'm done.
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