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post #121 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 07:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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You chase they flee.
I'm not chasing. No more texts/emails telling her how much I love her and miss her. I am just taking care of my business and caring for my son.

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Just go no contact as much as possible.

She's still stringing you along although she says you're done.

Was she always this manipulative?
No, everything she has done since she first started showing signs of midlife crisis/ depression she has not been at all the same person. She is in an emotional hibernation. Never has been manipulative. I think she wants me to be done. I think she hopes I just end it. She could care less about anything at the moment except hiding away from the world.
Ending it would not only destroy me, but destroy us both financially. I am just sitting back and giving her space. Like I said, we will see what happens. I know it doesn't look at all good, but I won't be able to live with the thought I didn't try and be an anchor for her, my family and our future. If it does end, which for sure looks that way every other day then I know I did everything I could to save our life together.

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post #122 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Doing the wrong things to get her back will cost him this marriage. Not necessarily a bad thing. She's either mental and won't get help or more likely she has another love and that's even worse. Her emotional outbursts are likely to be guilt. She knows one thing though and she doesn't want you.

Tell your lawyer you want her evaluated before she can be alone with your son. If she's mental she very well could be dangerous. Stop acting like you know her.
No, she won't get help. I don't think she is mental I think she is depressed, confused, and having a mid life crisis.
She is a very loving mother and my son would never be in danger. If there was someone else she would of ended by now.....completely. I am not a plan B, she is just really going through something that she doesn't even understand. I do think she feels guilt about the hurt she has caused me, and my son. I do know her, and you don't. It is not an act, and you looking from the outside have no idea what your talking about.
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post #123 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:26 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Btw, what does the best friend she cut off have to say. That's also very suspicious.
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post #124 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:34 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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No, she won't get help. I don't think she is mental I think she is depressed, confused, and having a mid life crisis.
She is a very loving mother and my son would never be in danger. If there was someone else she would of ended by now.....completely. I am not a plan B, she is just really going through something that she doesn't even understand. I do think she feels guilt about the hurt she has caused me, and my son. I do know her, and you don't. It is not an act, and you looking from the outside have no idea what your talking about.
Depression is a mental problem, she needs to seek professional help. Is your son safe in her care?

It is very hard to let go, but you are only making yourself hurt more by holding on to someone you has moved on, she is scared to move on too that is why she keeps you in limbo land.



You do matter!
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post #125 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Btw, what does the best friend she cut off have to say. That's also very suspicious.
I'm done getting involved in her affairs....so to speak. Not my problem. I am polite and friendly but I am done asking questions, done telling her what she means to me, done trying to get her back. I am just taking care of me....and my son. After that, not much. We will see what the future holds, together as a family or apart. I want the former but at this point it isn't up to me. If by chance I meet someone along the way, so be it. Everything happens for a reason. I don't see my self growing old with anyone else, but we will see. I'm in a holding pattern I suppose, a self imposed holding pattern. I could go get all the lawyers I want, break things off and get on with things but I'm not close to that at the moment and I am fine with that. Got my son, my dog, my house and a good job....there is only one part missing and that will resolve itself one way or another.
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post #126 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:44 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Haven't been on in awhile as nothing really new. As far as I know there is no one else. Came to a head last Saturday with her telling me she doesn't think she will be back. She said she is going through a crisis and can't deal with anything. Has cut her one friend off as she can't deal with her life problems as well. I said you have just locked yourself in this condo and the only person you let in your bubble is our son. She said she knows but is alright with that. I said you keep telling me "I don't think" "I don't Know" "I'm not sure" and said I have been living in limbo for over 2 months and you haven't told me anything. I asked again if she has been seeing anyone or in any kind of relationship and again the answer was no. I pushed a bit more and she said I don't want you to live in limbo. I asked does that mean it is over and she said yes. I got up and said great, thanks for telling me and walked out as she called my name out.
Next day she dropped my son off and I told her we need to get a lawyer to figure our finances out and she already knew of a place that did separation arbitration in town. I said I will pack her stuff up in boxes and she can pick it up. She called my bluff and asked if she could take a few things now....I said no, not now. I went right back in to denial.
Texted her on the Monday and just said hi.
We texted a bit and she finally said I don't really know what to say to you. I love you and like talking to you, but that is all I can seem to handle at the moment That was her smiley face, not mine. Since then, no mention of what went on over the weekend.
Crushed all of Sunday, happy as can be Monday when she told me she loved me....which I knew, but was nice to hear.

I understand what it seems like looking in from the outside, but she is going through a very emotional crisis of some sort and she is the mother of my child. I will wait, and do what it takes to try and make it work. I love her, and if I thought there was someone else I would see a lawyer, but you don't know her and don't see what I do. She is too fuc*ed at the moment to get involved with someone else. That being said, we will see where the next few weeks go and see if she brings up getting her stuff again.
I will keep you updated.

I know the automatic response of many is that she is cheating or wanting to cheat however it could also be a mid life crisis of sort - this happens to may women when they are about to hit menopause.

How old is your wife? I would suggest if she is above 40 that you read as much as you can on perimenopause and menopause it can be a very uncertain and trying time for a marriage.

Your best bet is to remain calm, proceed with a lawyer, let her know you will not be kept hanging around, that you love her but are willing to let her go is she refuses to reengage in the marriage.

She should get IC to sort her feelings and you both ought to consider MC before you consider divorcing, but there has to be a clear deadline in place so that you can do what you need to do.

There is lots of stuff on the internet about peri-menopause and marriage.

Example
Will Your Marriage Survive Menopause? | HealthyWomen
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post #127 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:29 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Haven't been on in awhile as nothing really new. As far as I know there is no one else. Came to a head last Saturday with her telling me she doesn't think she will be back. She said she is going through a crisis and can't deal with anything. Has cut her one friend off as she can't deal with her life problems as well. I said you have just locked yourself in this condo and the only person you let in your bubble is our son. She said she knows but is alright with that. I said you keep telling me "I don't think" "I don't Know" "I'm not sure" and said I have been living in limbo for over 2 months and you haven't told me anything. I asked again if she has been seeing anyone or in any kind of relationship and again the answer was no. I pushed a bit more and she said I don't want you to live in limbo. I asked does that mean it is over and she said yes. I got up and said great, thanks for telling me and walked out as she called my name out.
Next day she dropped my son off and I told her we need to get a lawyer to figure our finances out and she already knew of a place that did separation arbitration in town. I said I will pack her stuff up in boxes and she can pick it up. She called my bluff and asked if she could take a few things now....I said no, not now. I went right back in to denial.
Texted her on the Monday and just said hi.
We texted a bit and she finally said I don't really know what to say to you. I love you and like talking to you, but that is all I can seem to handle at the moment That was her smiley face, not mine. Since then, no mention of what went on over the weekend.
Crushed all of Sunday, happy as can be Monday when she told me she loved me....which I knew, but was nice to hear.

I understand what it seems like looking in from the outside, but she is going through a very emotional crisis of some sort and she is the mother of my child. I will wait, and do what it takes to try and make it work. I love her, and if I thought there was someone else I would see a lawyer, but you don't know her and don't see what I do. She is too fuc*ed at the moment to get involved with someone else. That being said, we will see where the next few weeks go and see if she brings up getting her stuff again.
I will keep you updated.
I think she just wants a divorce but doesn't want to be the bad guy. If you are so sure there is no one else just show up a few nights at her house. At this point it doesn't matter the marriage is over. She has been very unkind to you anyway, she is not a good person to have a relationship with. I have no doubt when you do move on when you meet someone else she will show up again. You would do better to see her for what she is, not a good choice.
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post #128 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:34 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Btw, what does the best friend she cut off have to say. That's also very suspicious.
Agreed the best friend probably knows the scoop you should ask.
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post #129 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:37 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I'm done getting involved in her affairs....so to speak. Not my problem. I am polite and friendly but I am done asking questions, done telling her what she means to me, done trying to get her back. I am just taking care of me....and my son. After that, not much. We will see what the future holds, together as a family or apart. I want the former but at this point it isn't up to me. If by chance I meet someone along the way, so be it. Everything happens for a reason. I don't see my self growing old with anyone else, but we will see. I'm in a holding pattern I suppose, a self imposed holding pattern. I could go get all the lawyers I want, break things off and get on with things but I'm not close to that at the moment and I am fine with that. Got my son, my dog, my house and a good job....there is only one part missing and that will resolve itself one way or another.
On a different note how is this affecting you son? What kind of relationship are you modeling for him? Is this what you want him to know as far as how he should allow himself to be treated because whether or not you know it you are providing an example that he will learn from.
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post #130 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I think she just wants a divorce but doesn't want to be the bad guy. If you are so sure there is no one else just show up a few nights at her house. At this point it doesn't matter the marriage is over. She has been very unkind to you anyway, she is not a good person to have a relationship with. I have no doubt when you do move on when you meet someone else she will show up again. You would do better to see her for what she is, not a good choice.
She is a good person and has been for 16 years. This is odd behaviour for her, but you may be right in her waiting for me to put my foot down. Showing up at her place isn't something I would do. If there is another person, which I'm sure there isn't then so be it. That is something she has to live with doing. I know it is easy to judge, but she is not all there right now. We will see what happens.

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post #131 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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On a different note how is this affecting you son? What kind of relationship are you modeling for him? Is this what you want him to know as far as how he should allow himself to be treated because whether or not you know it you are providing an example that he will learn from.
I have already contacted a child psychologist and will be setting up an appointment soon. Other then that he is fine at the moment and we both talk to him about what is going on and how he is feeling. He is in the loop and knows everything.
As far as the example goes, that is my problem and not yours and I will deal with that when the time comes.
Stop trying to make me feel bad for trying to get my family back together. It is important to me to try and get us back to a place that we can all heal together. If it doesn't work, I will be able to sleep knowing I did everything in my power to try and save my family. I am dedicated to them, even after she checked out. I don't chuck someone away I have been with for 16 years because she is having some sort of crisis/depression etc. She may, but that isn't me. She needs help, and I will stand my her and be the anchor for my family till she has either gotten help, met someone else, or served me with papers of some sort. Until then I am good at the moment and play it day by day.
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post #132 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Agreed the best friend probably knows the scoop you should ask.
I don't care to ask, and wouldn't anyways. Her friend wouldn't tell me anything anyways. It isn't about what she knows or doesn't. My wife has left, and is having some sort of mid life crisis. I know where this is most likely headed but that doesn't mean I just give up.
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post #133 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:24 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I don't care to ask, and wouldn't anyways. Her friend wouldn't tell me anything anyways. It isn't about what she knows or doesn't. My wife has left, and is having some sort of mid life crisis. I know where this is most likely headed but that doesn't mean I just give up.
I have heard several husbands try to justify their wives wrong behaviour by claiming its a 'midlife crisis'. I guess it makes you and them feel better, but we cant put everything that happens down to that just because they are a certain age. One man I know said this, and his wife wasn't even 40.

If she really is depressed then she would surely seek professional help.
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post #134 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:28 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I have already contacted a child psychologist and will be setting up an appointment soon. Other then that he is fine at the moment and we both talk to him about what is going on and how he is feeling. He is in the loop and knows everything.
As far as the example goes, that is my problem and not yours and I will deal with that when the time comes.
Stop trying to make me feel bad for trying to get my family back together. It is important to me to try and get us back to a place that we can all heal together. If it doesn't work, I will be able to sleep knowing I did everything in my power to try and save my family. I am dedicated to them, even after she checked out. I don't chuck someone away I have been with for 16 years because she is having some sort of crisis/depression etc. She may, but that isn't me. She needs help, and I will stand my her and be the anchor for my family till she has either gotten help, met someone else, or served me with papers of some sort. Until then I am good at the moment and play it day by day.
I am not trying to make you feel bad I am asking is getting the family back at all cost the right thing to do, at least when you have been in limbo for so long. This can't be healthy to you. If she really is having a depression crisis she needs mental health care. Doing nothing is not going to solve it.
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post #135 of 188 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I am not trying to make you feel bad I am asking is getting the family back at all cost the right thing to do, at least when you have been in limbo for so long. This can't be healthy to you. If she really is having a depression crisis she needs mental health care. Doing nothing is not going to solve it.
no sh*t, tell her that
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