Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?) - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:20 PM Thread Starter
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Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

My wife moved out 2 months ago into a condo she bought.(small inheritance..her mom died 3 years ago) She said she needed space and wasn't sure why she needed it...she just wanted to be alone. We have a child together and he likes having two places to stay but it is tough on him. We don't fight and talk daily. After reading all the things not to do after one's spouse leaves (i.e crying in front of her, writing letters of love, long texts etc) I have given her the space she wanted....although I said her the odd email or text about what she means to me. She said there isn't anyone else and that she just needed to get away from everything and felt overwhelmed. I have asked her to see a marriage councilor but she hates talking to people about her problems and has refused. I just started reading about "The 180" and find it hard to do because I see her almost daily and talk to her everyday as our child needs someone around before and after school. We have no set schedule as our jobs don't allow it so my son stays here some days and at my wife's other days. She doesn't ever really invite me over to her place (she says its because she knows it upsets me) which I suppose it does because she went from an inflatable mattress on the floor to having it semi furnished in those 2 months (i.e bedroom set for her and my son, couch, t.v..etc). I invite her over for dinner whenever it works out, so she eats at the house a few nights a week. We spent Christmas together and I showered her with presents, but nothing romantic or very expensive, just small stuff I knew she wanted.
So, back to the 180. How do I not come off looking cold or disinterested when I see her all the time? She knows I am lonely without her as I have told her as much a few times while feeling really down which she tells me kills her cause she doesn't mean to hurt me. We have always been each others best friend and have never really been overly social outside of our relationship. We have had our ups and downs in our relationship but I never saw this coming.....a month before she left we were looking for a bigger house to buy.
I miss her terribly and have been very understanding and patient through this process and told her I loved her and I would be here whenever she needed me...and have been when she becomes down or whatever. Some days I get the vibe she misses me and other days she is very cold. She has dealt with depression throughout her life so I am just still trying to help. Not sure if there was a question in there, but just was wondering if anyone else had some advice for me.
I have tried to get myself right and improve while she has been away...joined a gym, stopped drinking(never an issue), working on quiting smoking. I have kept our house spotless as it keeps me busy and I know she likes a clean house...But the emptiness I feel is sometimes overwhelming. I figured she is having a mid life crisis(early 40's) but I just don't know where to begin with this. She has not moved much out of the house, just what she needs, half her clothes, toiletries, jewelry....etc. We really can't afford 2 places but are getting by. We still have a joint account which our pay cheques go into and still use each others work benefits. Anyone have any experiences like this and could give me some advice it would really help.thx

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post #2 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:32 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Sounds like she is breaking away from you slowly. My advice is to divorce her. She has abandon the marriage whether or not she admits it. You can't nice her back. That never works, it just makes you seem weak to her like a puppy dog.

Finally I hate to brake it to you but in situations like this there is usually another man/woman. Might be time to do some digging.
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post #3 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:33 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

When a woman says she needs space........
Just google it.

Has she given you the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech"?

She will never miss what she knows she owns. I believe you need to put distance between you and her.
I don't know what's going on, but I do know that every man that has been cheated on has been told "there's no one else", so her saying that is worth zero.

She may have just fell out of love with you (unlikely).
Either way, you realize you are being strung along and it will continue to happen as long as you let it, while you are deprived of love, companionship, and physical affection.
I would ask her to give you a time frame for moving home, or filing for divorce. It is totally unfair of her to do this to you, and unfair for you to do this to yourself.

Please see a lawyer and find out what your rights are.
Dig into your phone bill.
Get a time frame for moving in together or moving on.
I'm sorry, but this is all you can do.
Trying to win them back basically doesn't work. Whatever the reason they decide they don't love you.
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post #4 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:41 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Being nice has not worked. has it?

Now is the time to be cool, business-like and to be busy. You need to detach from her. No more dinners at your place. Help out with the your child as much as is needed and is proper.
Be tight lipped. Do not offer any information on your activities. Do not be mean, be mute. This is all in the 180. Do not answer your phone or texts, unless it involves your child.
If she complains, tell her you need space. When you do see her, be dressed up, well groomed, clean shaven and smelling good.

Soon the other posters on here will suggest strongly that she has a lover. Prove them wrong by doing a covert investigation. That is, if you care.
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post #5 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Sounds like she is breaking away from you slowly. My advice is to divorce her. She has abandon the marriage whether or not she admits it. You can't nice her back. That never works, it just makes you seem weak to her like a puppy dog.

Finally I hate to brake it to you but in situations like this there is usually another man/woman. Might be time to do some digging.
Yes it feels like a very slow break up, but the second I stop being nice I know that it will give her solace in what she is doing. I love her so much, I would have her back when she is ready. I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life. When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage". I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else. Everyone told her to just use her name but she insisted that we buy it together and if later on down the road we got back together we would use it as an investment property.
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post #6 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:46 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Separate the bank accounts. Separate the finances. Start figuring it as if you are permanently separated. When a person moves out of a marriage, they do so with the risk of not receiving any more financial support, unless ordered by the courts. Basically, since she moved out she should be paying her own way. You pay your home bills, she pays hers. Since some bills are probably for both of you such as insurance and phone...whoever is the payer should get half the money from the other. She should pay her own way now. You are not living as a couple, she doesn't want to be a couple, you shouldn't mingle the money as a couple. Time to think about UNcoupling.

Pack up her stuff at the house.....you can store it in the garage or offer it to her, but you don't have to live as if she is going to walk back in at any minute. (I would physically pack it up and take it to her. Tell her that she forgot a few things. Not to be mean, but to not LIVE with all her stuff when she doesn't want to live there) *Actually, on second thought....I'd just pack it all up (and by pack it up I mean dump it in boxes and trash bags) and store it in the garage and not say anything to her. You don't have to explain things anymore. When she sees that you've changed things, you just shrug and say that she doesn't live here now.

I painted a huge mural on my bedroom wall when my ex walked out. He asked about it once and I told him, you don't live here so I'm just doing it how I want. Period. Nothing he could say about that.

Pack up wedding pictures, couple pictures (you can put a few in son's room) , knick knacks, anything with flowers on it, etc.... you can put a few in son's room.

Rearrange the furniture... make it to your liking. It's more about taking control of what you can. Making the space YOURS.

Paint the bedroom in your favorite color. Get new bedding if you can. Pack away all her toiletries and hair stuff. USE her half of the closet, even if you just spread your clothes out.

See an attorney, find out what the deal is regarding divorce, separation, child visitation, custody, etc.... do your homework so at least you are prepared mentally.

The point is.... that since she moved out, you should make your place YOURS. Not to be mean, but it does send a message to her that you are not pining away, waiting with baited breath for her to come home. Even if you are.... you have to start thinking like a single dad who shares custody.

Last edited by SunnyT; 01-14-2017 at 10:56 PM.
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post #7 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Yes it feels like a very slow break up, but the second I stop being nice I know that it will give her solace in what she is doing. I love her so much, I would have her back when she is ready. I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life. When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage". I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else. Everyone told her to just use her name but she insisted that we buy it together and if later on down the road we got back together we would use it as an investment property.
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post #8 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:58 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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Yes it feels like a very slow break up, but the second I stop being nice I know that it will give her solace in what she is doing. I love her so much, I would have her back when she is ready. I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life. When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage". I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else. Everyone told her to just use her name but she insisted that we buy it together and if later on down the road we got back together we would use it as an investment property.
They all swear there isn't another man. You would be shocked at the kind of crap cheaters do. I bet it was a lot easier to get a mortgage with your name on it then without. And a lot quicker. Just show up one night when she is not expecting you. Anyway even if there isn't another man, living in an apartment alone there soon will be. Who is taking care of the child this whole time, just you?

Anyway does it even matter. She has abandoned you and your child. She needs to leave the marriage to save it? What crap. Tell her you need to divorce to protect it. Love is not enough dude. And the great thing about love is with time you can love someone else.

Seriously, give your wife her come to Jesus moment. Right now you are enabling her dysfunction, and what you have is not a marriage, its a single woman and a babysitter.
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post #9 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:04 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

If she is depressive, she may think she doesn't love you anymore. It is probably not true, but if her depression is not being treated, she feels what she feels and no one is going to change that. I'm sorry, but you don't leave a marriage to save a marriage. You work on the marriage with professional help to save it.

Her thinking is muddled probably due to the depression. It's an illness you can't win if she has already decided that her feelings or lack of them are real and you are out.

Tell her that you can't give her anymore months of limbo. Limbo is hell and very unfair for the partner that doesn't want separation. That if she truly wants to save the marriage, then she needs to accept that this is something you also need.

If you keep doing what you are doing, you are just prolonging the inevitable. Be honest with her and let her know that unless your two seek professional help to save the marriage, you will not accept her logic because it goes against your desires and your desires and needs count in this marriage too. Do NOT let your needs go unfulfilled any longer!

Either she accepts getting help, or you need to be set free in order to get your needs met too. Her leaving the marriage is a sure remedy for ending up divorced and not the stupidity she thinks this separation is doing. Treat her decision like the way you would treat this decision made by anyone else going through an illness like depression. They don't think straight, their illness interferes with reality.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #10 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:10 PM
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Cool Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Sounds like she is breaking away from you slowly. My advice is to divorce her. She has abandon the marriage whether or not she admits it. You can't nice her back. That never works, it just makes you seem weak to her like a puppy dog.

Finally I hate to brake it to you but in situations like this there is usually another man/woman. Might be time to do some digging.
In addition to this, you might be better served if you were to hire yourself a good PI. You also need to get with a good "piranha" family attorney to fully advise you on matters of child custody as well as property rights and division!

Sorry to say, but there doesn't appear to be anything positive that can possibly emanate from this "trial separation" that she has burdensomely imposed upon you!

Be forewarned ~ "where there's smoke, there's usually fire!"



"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 01-15-2017 at 01:37 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #11 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

I am getting some really good advice from everyone and thank you, but has anyone ever gone through a similar situation.....i.e a mid life crisis, walk away wife, wife's depression, wife feeling totally lost and overwhelmed by anything....work, family etc?
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post #12 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:18 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I am getting some really good advice from everyone and thank you, but has anyone ever gone through a similar situation.....i.e a mid life crisis, walk away wife, wife's depression, wife feeling totally lost and overwhelmed by anything....work, family etc?
Yes, my marriage was a casualty of midlife crisis and my sister's was a casualty of depression. These crisis or illnesses kill marriages none the less. Your wife has committed a grave mistake. Separation is not a good outcome for keeping a marriage, it is more like a sure way of killing it! How the h3ll can you work on a marriage if you are not in it? Distance does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes it colder!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #13 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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In addition to this, you might be better served if you were to hire yourself a good PI. You also need to get with a good "piranha" family attorney to fully advise you on matters of child custody as well as property rights and division!

Sorry to say that there doesn't appear to be anything positive that can possibly emanate from this trial separation that she has burdensomely imposed upon you!

Be forewarned ~ "where there's smoke, there's usually fire!"
I understand, but I would never do that....it's not the type of person I am. If she chooses to go off and be with someone else and is happy then (although hurt) I would want that. I have always wanted her to be happy and if that is the way it goes so be it. I wouldn't take her to the cleaners with a nasty lawyer, although I could go for custody as she left the marital home....but what example would that set for my son as the type of man to be.
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post #14 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:25 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

Mid life crisis= new love interest for a married woman.

Her putting your name in the mortgage means nothing more than using your credit (using YOU) to get a new place.
You are letting your wife knowingly make you utterly miserable.
She knows this is killing you.
She says "have faith in her"????
For how long?

Ok, have faith. But at least get a freaking time line. If she's not back by June 21st, file for divorce and move on. Don't you think you count for at least a little? Does she think your feelings are unimportant?

You know this person. What fo YOU think made her suddenly dislike living with you so much that she moved out and BOUGHT her own place?

If you don't know, then you need to start looking for answers.
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post #15 of 188 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:29 PM
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Re: Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

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I understand, but I would never do that....it's not the type of person I am. If she chooses to go off and be with someone else and is happy then (although hurt) I would want that. I have always wanted her to be happy and if that is the way it goes so be it. I wouldn't take her to the cleaners with a nasty lawyer, although I could go for custody as she left the marital home....but what example would that set for my son as the type of man to be.
Yeah, your thinking is so messed up that you are sure to get totally shafted in a divorce. You can do whatever you want--- but don't let the law dictate what you do. Get the absolute best settlement you can if you have to divorce. Then you can give her or do for her whatever you think is right. You just won't have the law FORCING you to do and act a certain way.

The road to hades is paved with good intentions.
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