Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Wife moved out (she needs space but says she loves me?)

60K views 187 replies 54 participants last post by  wmn1 
#1 ·
My wife moved out 2 months ago into a condo she bought.(small inheritance..her mom died 3 years ago) She said she needed space and wasn't sure why she needed it...she just wanted to be alone. We have a child together and he likes having two places to stay but it is tough on him. We don't fight and talk daily. After reading all the things not to do after one's spouse leaves (i.e crying in front of her, writing letters of love, long texts etc) I have given her the space she wanted....although I said her the odd email or text about what she means to me. She said there isn't anyone else and that she just needed to get away from everything and felt overwhelmed. I have asked her to see a marriage councilor but she hates talking to people about her problems and has refused. I just started reading about "The 180" and find it hard to do because I see her almost daily and talk to her everyday as our child needs someone around before and after school. We have no set schedule as our jobs don't allow it so my son stays here some days and at my wife's other days. She doesn't ever really invite me over to her place (she says its because she knows it upsets me) which I suppose it does because she went from an inflatable mattress on the floor to having it semi furnished in those 2 months (i.e bedroom set for her and my son, couch, t.v..etc). I invite her over for dinner whenever it works out, so she eats at the house a few nights a week. We spent Christmas together and I showered her with presents, but nothing romantic or very expensive, just small stuff I knew she wanted.
So, back to the 180. How do I not come off looking cold or disinterested when I see her all the time? She knows I am lonely without her as I have told her as much a few times while feeling really down which she tells me kills her cause she doesn't mean to hurt me. We have always been each others best friend and have never really been overly social outside of our relationship. We have had our ups and downs in our relationship but I never saw this coming.....a month before she left we were looking for a bigger house to buy.
I miss her terribly and have been very understanding and patient through this process and told her I loved her and I would be here whenever she needed me...and have been when she becomes down or whatever. Some days I get the vibe she misses me and other days she is very cold. She has dealt with depression throughout her life so I am just still trying to help. Not sure if there was a question in there, but just was wondering if anyone else had some advice for me.
I have tried to get myself right and improve while she has been away...joined a gym, stopped drinking(never an issue), working on quiting smoking. I have kept our house spotless as it keeps me busy and I know she likes a clean house...But the emptiness I feel is sometimes overwhelming. I figured she is having a mid life crisis(early 40's) but I just don't know where to begin with this. She has not moved much out of the house, just what she needs, half her clothes, toiletries, jewelry....etc. We really can't afford 2 places but are getting by. We still have a joint account which our pay cheques go into and still use each others work benefits. Anyone have any experiences like this and could give me some advice it would really help.thx
 
See less See more
#2 ·
Sounds like she is breaking away from you slowly. My advice is to divorce her. She has abandon the marriage whether or not she admits it. You can't nice her back. That never works, it just makes you seem weak to her like a puppy dog.

Finally I hate to brake it to you but in situations like this there is usually another man/woman. Might be time to do some digging.
 
#5 ·
Yes it feels like a very slow break up, but the second I stop being nice I know that it will give her solace in what she is doing. I love her so much, I would have her back when she is ready. I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life. When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage". I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else. Everyone told her to just use her name but she insisted that we buy it together and if later on down the road we got back together we would use it as an investment property.
 
#3 ·
When a woman says she needs space........
Just google it.

Has she given you the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech"?

She will never miss what she knows she owns. I believe you need to put distance between you and her.
I don't know what's going on, but I do know that every man that has been cheated on has been told "there's no one else", so her saying that is worth zero.

She may have just fell out of love with you (unlikely).
Either way, you realize you are being strung along and it will continue to happen as long as you let it, while you are deprived of love, companionship, and physical affection.
I would ask her to give you a time frame for moving home, or filing for divorce. It is totally unfair of her to do this to you, and unfair for you to do this to yourself.

Please see a lawyer and find out what your rights are.
Dig into your phone bill.
Get a time frame for moving in together or moving on.
I'm sorry, but this is all you can do.
Trying to win them back basically doesn't work. Whatever the reason they decide they don't love you.
 
#4 ·
Being nice has not worked. has it?

Now is the time to be cool, business-like and to be busy. You need to detach from her. No more dinners at your place. Help out with the your child as much as is needed and is proper.
Be tight lipped. Do not offer any information on your activities. Do not be mean, be mute. This is all in the 180. Do not answer your phone or texts, unless it involves your child.
If she complains, tell her you need space. When you do see her, be dressed up, well groomed, clean shaven and smelling good.

Soon the other posters on here will suggest strongly that she has a lover. Prove them wrong by doing a covert investigation. That is, if you care.
 
#6 · (Edited)
Separate the bank accounts. Separate the finances. Start figuring it as if you are permanently separated. When a person moves out of a marriage, they do so with the risk of not receiving any more financial support, unless ordered by the courts. Basically, since she moved out she should be paying her own way. You pay your home bills, she pays hers. Since some bills are probably for both of you such as insurance and phone...whoever is the payer should get half the money from the other. She should pay her own way now. You are not living as a couple, she doesn't want to be a couple, you shouldn't mingle the money as a couple. Time to think about UNcoupling.

Pack up her stuff at the house.....you can store it in the garage or offer it to her, but you don't have to live as if she is going to walk back in at any minute. (I would physically pack it up and take it to her. Tell her that she forgot a few things. Not to be mean, but to not LIVE with all her stuff when she doesn't want to live there) *Actually, on second thought....I'd just pack it all up (and by pack it up I mean dump it in boxes and trash bags) and store it in the garage and not say anything to her. You don't have to explain things anymore. When she sees that you've changed things, you just shrug and say that she doesn't live here now.

I painted a huge mural on my bedroom wall when my ex walked out. He asked about it once and I told him, you don't live here so I'm just doing it how I want. Period. Nothing he could say about that.

Pack up wedding pictures, couple pictures (you can put a few in son's room) , knick knacks, anything with flowers on it, etc.... you can put a few in son's room.

Rearrange the furniture... make it to your liking. It's more about taking control of what you can. Making the space YOURS.

Paint the bedroom in your favorite color. Get new bedding if you can. Pack away all her toiletries and hair stuff. USE her half of the closet, even if you just spread your clothes out.

See an attorney, find out what the deal is regarding divorce, separation, child visitation, custody, etc.... do your homework so at least you are prepared mentally.

The point is.... that since she moved out, you should make your place YOURS. Not to be mean, but it does send a message to her that you are not pining away, waiting with baited breath for her to come home. Even if you are.... you have to start thinking like a single dad who shares custody.
 
#7 ·
Yes it feels like a very slow break up, but the second I stop being nice I know that it will give her solace in what she is doing. I love her so much, I would have her back when she is ready. I understand there may be another man but she swears there isn't and that she is so screwed up in the head at the moment that that is the last thing she would need in her life. When she left she told me to have faith and that she just needed some time. She said and I quote "I need to leave the marriage to save the marriage". I totally thought there was another man but the only reason I stopped (or sometimes stop) thinking that is she put the place she bought in both our names. Anyone that is leaving her marriage for another man wouldn't sign a mortgage with the husband she was planning to leave for someone else. Everyone told her to just use her name but she insisted that we buy it together and if later on down the road we got back together we would use it as an investment property.
 
#9 ·
If she is depressive, she may think she doesn't love you anymore. It is probably not true, but if her depression is not being treated, she feels what she feels and no one is going to change that. I'm sorry, but you don't leave a marriage to save a marriage. You work on the marriage with professional help to save it.

Her thinking is muddled probably due to the depression. It's an illness you can't win if she has already decided that her feelings or lack of them are real and you are out.

Tell her that you can't give her anymore months of limbo. Limbo is hell and very unfair for the partner that doesn't want separation. That if she truly wants to save the marriage, then she needs to accept that this is something you also need.

If you keep doing what you are doing, you are just prolonging the inevitable. Be honest with her and let her know that unless your two seek professional help to save the marriage, you will not accept her logic because it goes against your desires and your desires and needs count in this marriage too. Do NOT let your needs go unfulfilled any longer!

Either she accepts getting help, or you need to be set free in order to get your needs met too. Her leaving the marriage is a sure remedy for ending up divorced and not the stupidity she thinks this separation is doing. Treat her decision like the way you would treat this decision made by anyone else going through an illness like depression. They don't think straight, their illness interferes with reality.
 
#11 ·
I am getting some really good advice from everyone and thank you, but has anyone ever gone through a similar situation.....i.e a mid life crisis, walk away wife, wife's depression, wife feeling totally lost and overwhelmed by anything....work, family etc?
 
#12 ·
Yes, my marriage was a casualty of midlife crisis and my sister's was a casualty of depression. These crisis or illnesses kill marriages none the less. Your wife has committed a grave mistake. Separation is not a good outcome for keeping a marriage, it is more like a sure way of killing it! How the h3ll can you work on a marriage if you are not in it? Distance does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes it colder!
 
#14 ·
Mid life crisis= new love interest for a married woman.

Her putting your name in the mortgage means nothing more than using your credit (using YOU) to get a new place.
You are letting your wife knowingly make you utterly miserable.
She knows this is killing you.
She says "have faith in her"????
For how long?

Ok, have faith. But at least get a freaking time line. If she's not back by June 21st, file for divorce and move on. Don't you think you count for at least a little? Does she think your feelings are unimportant?

You know this person. What fo YOU think made her suddenly dislike living with you so much that she moved out and BOUGHT her own place?

If you don't know, then you need to start looking for answers.
 
#16 ·
Mid life crisis= new love interest for a married woman.

Her putting your name in the mortgage means nothing more than using your credit (using YOU) to get a new place.
You are letting your wife knowingly make you utterly miserable.
She knows this is killing you.
She says "have faith in her"????
For how long?

Ok, have faith. But at least get a freaking time line. If she's not back by June 21st, file for divorce and move on. Don't you think you count for at least a little? Does she think your feelings are unimportant?

You know this person. What fo YOU think made her suddenly dislike living with you so much that she moved out and BOUGHT her own place?

If you don't know, then you need to start looking for answers.

QFT

That's a big step, something not made on a whim. Something that is thought out and planned. Renting an apartment for a few months is one thing, not this. This indicates permanency.
 
  • Like
Reactions: MattMatt
#17 ·
I have. My ex walked out (actually snuck out) on me and 5 kids. Said he loved me, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but he didn't want to "do this" (meaning be married) anymore. He also did not want a divorce. Did not want the hassle of having to GET divorced, or "getting the court involved".

It may have been a midlife crisis.... he was a prime candidate for one. He rented an apartment on the beach, began dating immediately, called me now and then to whine about being lonely, or sorry, or whatever....

We'd been together for 23 years. It was heartbreaking for me. But I was also p*ssed. And I had kids who needed a normal, sane parent.

It's been 11 years now. I've remarried and life is wonderful. He recently remarried, but I cannot figure out why. They don't live together, he still lives in that apartment on the beach and I can't see that he has anything positive to bring to a marriage.... it's weird. But it's not my problem, and I lose no sleep over it.

So yes, I've been there. It sucks at first. I did all those things I advised you to do to start moving forward. Separating literally yourself from the marriage. It gets better, it gets easier. It all takes time.

Plan for the worst (get all the divorce info you can) and hope for the best.....there's no telling what the future will bring. Ya know, she MAY come around if she thinks you are actually divorcing her. But don't threaten it if you're not going to do it. And she may come around in a few years, finding out that y'all really did have a good thing and she wants that back. By then, you may have moved on and not want her any more. Or you may lose all respect for someone who just walks out on you.

But really, right now, take care of yourself. Do positive things for YOU. Stop doing anything for her.
 
#24 ·
Either she has actual mental problems which she needs to see a doctor for, or she's cheating.

I'm 50/50 right now.
Don't know which one.

Bipolar?
What is so bad that seeing you brings her to tears?
Sounds like she's torn between two lovers.

Or, she's just sick in the head.

Who is she really close with?
Is there nobody who you could talk to about her?

Would she let you use her phone if you wanted to, or does she treat it like it was Gollum's "the Precious"??
 
#27 ·
No one to talk to about her.....no one that would tell me anything anyways. Seeing me doesn't bring her to tears we still sit and talk and laugh but any kind of serious relationship talk just sends her back into her hole and she just can't seem to talk about it....just to much for her to process it seems like. She almost turns into a small child with any heavy conversaion. The phone thing, well she just got a new work phone...an upgrade so I don't even know about grabbing that to have a look, but that wouldn't help me any if she caught me looking through her texts or emails.
 
#28 ·
Get over your fear of losing her she's already gone. You have no idea what's going on because you're too afraid to look. It's your life, future and family too isn't it?

Separation is almost always due to prep for divorce or seeing someone else.

You're like most in this situation. Deep in denial of what you're dealing with.

Your actions are allowing her to cake eat. Nicing her back never works as you've found.

You'll either go your own way like she has or continue on your path of self inflicted limbo.


Read up you need it badly
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=LG4MnNzguFXHGGRXc0ByxQ15Zvs-
 
#31 ·
She wants space give it to her.

You can make yourself the best you can be it won't matter much.

Cut out the needy, clingy approach. It just makes you look unattractive and weak.

Cut out the texts, emails and calls. Your actions are telling her she is worth and has more value than you. She doesn't.

Read and implement the 180. Find out what's going on. Do you like living like this?

You can't fix her but you'd better fix yourself. Being a Mr nice guy may very well be why you are where you are.

If you can get this you're in for more.
 
#35 ·
Thank you...I totally agree.....I try so hard with the No Contact rule(besides about our son), but fall short often. The needy and clingy was done after the first week or so after I read exactly what you said, it makes me look weak.
But it is hard when I see her so much, everyday if only for a moment....sometimes longer. I feel it will come off as cold.....I know she is being that way and very selfish but I don't want her to think well sh*t I don't want to be around someone who is short with me and won't give me the time of day. I know what she is doing is 10X worse but here is hoping she see's the error in her ways.
 
#32 ·
The bottom line is until you are willing to change, your situation will stay the same. I don't see your wife coming back anytime soon. I am afraid she is going to blindside you and tell you it's been over for a too long. Then there will be the inevitable boyfriend, who just miraculously shows up out of the blue.

The woman is still your wife, that place is still your house. Get a sitter and show up one of these nights. Just to see.
 
  • Like
Reactions: MattMatt
#36 · (Edited)
You can't do 5hit until you know what is really going on. You need to investigate. PI may work, or like i said show up.

By the way what you have now, and maybe this is what you always had doesn't sound like the dynamics of a good relationship. Sounds like she just bullies you. She may not do it with harsh words, she does it by crying and manipulating you into being sympathetic. It is still a terrible unhealthy dynamic. She basically has used her "depression" as a way to control you to the point that you are letting her live in another house.

This is not a marriage. Has it always been like this, whenever you challenge her does she shut down. Again this is another way to control it is just more subtle. The results are the same, you are afraid to have wants and needs in a relationship. It is all about her and her illness. If she is sick she should be getting help for that, not using it to justify running away.

In a good relationship both people have the right to have needs. What about your needs? Why is it so one sided. Most would not be willing to put up with such a disparity. Why are you? Again you seem to have it in your mind that it is somehow wrong to expect your own wife to want to live you you and her kid. Why do you think this way? Your thinking is very passive and wrong.

I ask you what are you showing your son by allowing his mother to abandon her marriage without consequences. Do you want him to end up with a woman who would do the same to him one day. Would you want him to just stay in limbo forever?

You need to look up codependency you are like textbook.

Finally if you are so sure she is not cheating prove us wrong show up one night. Bring flowers so if she is really is alone it can be a nice thing. But use it to check. I don't think your wife is as despairing as you think.
 
#38 ·
Canada75;17194946[B said:
]Well when she drops off our son I ask her if she wants to stay for dinner.....sometimes yes sometimes no. If she comes to collect him for school or drop him off after school on the days I can't I offer her a coffee or tea and we catch up.
[/B] F*ck I really don't know what to do. Obviously the people here are telling me things I already know, but if there is even a slim chance of reconciliation with her I'd rather do anything to have that. I will keep trying for awhile longer, although a few comments got me thinking about packing it in but really after 15 years I just want my love back, and work things out and have us really try at a second chance. There is no fighting, we are alright financially, our favorite part of our day was getting our son settled and hanging out together. Suddenly it all went to sh*t, at the same time she was telling me she thinks she is having a mid life crisis and was thinking of going on stress leave at work. I brushed it off as a bad few days and then all her life's problems suddenly was caused by me and she needed space to figure stuff out. I'm totally lost....and yes I've gone to talk to someone and they pretty much said if she asked for space give it to her. If she wants to slowly move back towards the relationship it will be on her terms and not yours. If she doesn't well then you can't do anything about it. Be kind to her, let her know your there for her and at least once a week at the most tell her you love her but don't expect it in return for the time being. If she knows I am there for here, love her and am giving her the space she wants then that is all I can do. Hiring P.Is, divorce attorney's, dumping the 70% of stuff she left here on her door step, going through her condo or phone to find out if she is up to no good or constantly try and talk about what is going to happen with "us" when she doesn't know will only drive her away. So here I sit, trying to suck it up for my son's sake and give her what she wants and be supportive in hopes she realizes that she wants to come back and spend the rest of her life with me and start working on us as a couple instead of us as individuals.
How is this her getting the space SHE asked for? It was her idea.

She wants space, give it to her. No more dinners, no more coffee. You're polite, that's it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: MattMatt and MyTurn
#39 ·
Start having lots of fun with your son. Bring joy to his life by spending time with him and doing great, enriching activities with him. Start turning the family home into your man-cave. Plan things for yourself when she has your son. Be genuinely positive when leaving your son with her, because of the great activities that you have planned for yourself. Make an effort to look sharp all the time. Mentally prepare yourself for the worst case scenario, but be open to any positive changes that you see in her. Read widely and work steadfastly on being the best man that you can be, as this will serve you well for your next and better relationship.
 
#42 ·
Why does she deserve your endless patience while she gets her sh17 together?

Because you love her?
Or because you need her and you need to fix and /or rescue her?

You are very codependent. Mixed with her depression, neither of you are going to be healed. So, you're going to have to do some hard work here, or you can waste your years hoping and praying she changes, until there's a point where she does, but it's because she finally divorces you because she had enough of living in limbo.

So, you need to learn to have enough of it first. If not for you, then for your son. Right now he's learning that if this ever happens in his marriage, he should wait around until some unknown date when his wife may or may not drop the other shoe. He's learning it's acceptable for his future wife to just up and move out of the home and live somewhere else while pretending to his own son it's only temporary.

Stop being afraid today.
Start the 180.
No more talking with her unless it's about your son, and it's logistics or a mutual decision you must make about him,or it's about finances, which you'll need to discuss separating.
Start learning about codependency. Read "Codependency No More."

Time to live like a man headed for divorce, because until she moves back in and explicitly says she wants to repair the marriage, that's what you are. And in the eyes of many courts, what she has done constitutes abandonment.
 
#44 ·
Didn't read entire thread so I may have missed some things along the way.. But my wife and I have just gotten through a kinda similar situation.. It's a long story as far as what led there but she gave me that I still love you but I need space nonsense as well.. She even went and bought herself another house... It was a 5-6 month process where I tried everything.. From being a pathetic mess crying/begging.. to doing a 180... But none of it mattered because there was another man involved... She did seem a little more interested and less closed off when I could bring myself to 180 her... But no matter what I did.. It didn't have any lasting effects until I discovered her EA and put a stop to it... After that I continued the way I was... Trying to find a happy medium between being overly emotional and doing 180... We live together now in the place she purchased.. Things are far from perfect and we are still doing some damage control... But I decided she was worth all this craziness.. and I'm confident now that at least we are both working together trying to move forward.... So if she truly is still committed to you and just going through some things... I guess you'll just have to wait it out... But after going through it myself I'm with everyone else who says there's a good chance someone else is involved..
 
#45 ·
Didn't read entire thread so I may have missed some things along the way.. But my wife and I have just gotten through a kinda similar situation.. It's a long story as far as what led there but she gave me that I still love you but I need space nonsense as well.. She even went and bought herself another house... It was a 5-6 month process where I tried everything.. From being a pathetic mess crying/begging.. to doing a 180... But none of it mattered because there was another man involved... She did seem a little more interested and less closed off when I could bring myself to 180 her... But no matter what I did.. It didn't have any lasting effects until I discovered her EA and put a stop to it... After that I continued the way I was... Trying to find a happy medium between being overly emotional and doing 180... We live together now in the place she purchased.. Things are far from perfect and we are still doing some damage control... But I decided she was worth all this craziness.. and I'm confident now that at least we are both working together trying to move forward.... So if she truly is still committed to you and just going through some things... I guess you'll just have to wait it out... But after going through it myself I'm with everyone else who says there's a good chance someone else is involved..
An affair will trump everything at this time. Wake up! You are allowing yourself to be played.
 
#47 ·
With the information that you have provided and that was provided to you by your walk away wife it could be one of the three quick conclusions, some already reached by our posters.

a. She is depressed, anxious, confused, overwhelmed, fractious. Maybe having a slow mental breakdown. More likely has had a slow mental transformation involving depression. She is running away from her problems. She is being swept away by her current mental state. Our thought processes change over time. Madly in love today, becomes cool love six months from now, then hate then indifference next year.

b. She is in the midst of an affair, and maybe wants to test drive a few more men. Or, she is getting herself psyched up for intimacy and excitement with a new man . She wants to meet other men and have relations with them to include socializing and affectionate, passionate sex. I think she is revving up her options.

c. She "presently" does not want sex and intimacy with any man. But wants the option to do so if the right man comes along.

Why did she buy the house and then move out. "She is very conflicted inside". Part of her wanted to continue her relationship with you, part of her wanted to get out of the marriage. She chose the exit plan.
She will sow her oats, do the things that she wants, have sex with other men and then decide if her Plan B man is better than the men she meets on the other side of the marriage fence. This will happen, slowly or rapidly. This is less about sex and more about finding herself. Finding herself in a more fulfilling relationship.

I suspect that you will lose this battle. If she had not signed off on the house and had just moved out with no affair partner in the wings, she would be doing the right thing. We recommend people who are unhappy in their marriage to either try to fix the marriage or to honorably get divorced. No games, honest communication, get out legally and honorably. Has she? We do not know at this point.
 
#48 ·
It sounds she is getting everything she wants and she foes not have to make a choice if ever there is no line in the ground and seeing as it takes a year for divorce to come through, I would tell her your filing for divorce and she can either work on the marriage or not but the clock is ticking and that you also need prove there is no other person involved.....and reminder that condo is community property so you now owe half as part of the settlement....here is the thing stopping act like a doormat, put on your big boy pants on and grow a pair.
 
#49 ·
When I was in my early 40's (perimenopause for many woman) I fell into a very deep depression for the first time in my life. I was on medication but it seemed to make it worse- almost no feelings other than overwhelming sadness. Most of the time I felt like I wanted to be catatonic in a hayfield somewhere. I felt that I couldnt handle being around anyone including my own kids. It was all so hard. I would come home from work and either go to bed or lay on the couch. I was silent unless it was necessary to talk. I didnt want to touch anyone including my kids. I was unable to do much of anything. It felt empty and sad and embarassing. It felt like I had failed everyone including myself. I considered suicide once briefly but was too lazy.

H said he would love the kids enough for the 2 of us and not to worry. He would take over everything. He did. Remembering this makes me feel overwhelmed with gratitude.

If I had had an inheritance at the time and had the energy to do it I would have bought a condo to serve as the hayfield so i could be catatonic for hours without anyone bothering me. Maybe thats what she has done because she could. Maybe being alone in the condo allows her to have the energy at times to see you and the kids without staring into her dinner plate. Its a possibility.
 
#61 · (Edited)
This is what I would want to believe. Until the facts say otherwise.


I never saw this coming.....a month before she left we were looking for a bigger house to buy.
Buying the house pushed her over the edge. This tension was slowly building up for her. She wanted out of the marriage, or away from people as NurseJackie, so eloquently said.

I would file for divorce. Tell her that you are going to do this. Tell her that you are going to start dating in the near future, that you are lonely and need a companion. This may bump her off center.

And yes, do the 180, kindly. Remain friendly, but aloof. I offer this plan because you still love her. If you did not, I would recommend a cooler response.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top