Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 08:13 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

Long story short, I'm separated after my spouse worked overseas and cheated on me for months. We were unhappy prior to the move so I moved out. My ex is manipulative and wasn't a very good partner for much of the last couple years of our marriage. Still haven't done the paperwork but I am thinking that is something I want done in the next few weeks.

I'm turning 30 in a few months and I'm really worried about starting over. I want kids and I feel like I'm getting too old. I'm also terrified of the dating scene.

I had a guy I fooled around with too early into my separation. Things got awkward because of unfinished business and drama with my ex but we stayed incredibly close friends. We spend a lot of evenings and weekends hanging out and have a really great connection. It's been months since things happened and I wish I could tell him that after all this time together, I really like him but I don't want to ruin the wonderful friendship we have.

Eventually I suppose this will have to come to a head if either of us date in the next while. Because with the way we hang out, I doubt a date/new girlfriend/boyfriend would put up with our friendship haha.

I guess all I'm saying is, I'm nervous about the future and just really feeling the frustration tonight. I know I have some things going for me. I'm not unattractive, I have a good career that I love, and I think I'm a good partner. I just live in a small community and fear what happens next.

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 08:25 PM
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Re: Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

Hi there.

I can relate to your post and would like to reassure you that there is plenty of time for you to have children, you're not past it just yet (still in your twenties lol) Just thank your lucky stars that you didn't get pregnant to your ex, then you'd have to put up with dealing with him for the rest of your days.

If this guy is such a good friend try letting him know how you feel, nothing ventured nothing gained and all that! If he was keen on being with you before he will probably be keen again, in fact he could of been gutted the timing wasn't right and has hung around and been a friend to you hoping that someday the timing will be right. Talk to him....what have you got to lose? Even if he's not interested (doubtful) if he's a good guy and a true friend he will still be your friend no matter what.


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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 08:32 PM
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Re: Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

Ah kid your 30, you still got time. Better not to rush it because of fear. Have hope. A good relationship without all the drama you talked about will blow your mind. Keep your mind on that. Work on you. Life has a way.

Are you saying you now have feelings for this guy? Are you attracted to him?
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 08:33 PM
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Re: Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

How long have the two of you been separated now? For me it slowly got easier, I'm still in the middle of everything still but it is slowly getting easier. There are definitely bad days, but they are getting less bad each time. There are also good days, they seem to be getting more frequent.

As for kids you have plenty of time still be thankfull you are on track to have your life sorted out before you have them. Good career you enjoy, time to find the right person to have children with. Keep positive thoughts.


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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 08:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

We've been separated over a year.

The friend actually backed off and told me it was cause of everything being so complicated. I got mad but after I accepted it, he came right back into my life, ready to always be there. He's the nicest person I know.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 08:49 PM
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Re: Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

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The friend actually backed off and told me it was cause of everything being so complicated. I got mad but after I accepted it, he came right back into my life, ready to always be there. He's the nicest person I know.
You got mad at him because he didn't want to get involved with a woman who was married.

Do you understand why? I mean, I get that you "accepted it" but do you see why his response was reasonable?

Because if you don't, you need to do a lot of work on yourself. This has nothing to do with your friend.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 08:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

I quite obviously got over it. I got mad for a couple days because I felt like a bit betrayed by his words vs. his actions and I felt rejected. After about a day, I apologized and he accepted it and have been close ever since. I realized I was being mad about being in the "friend zone" and that it was incredibly juvenile. But he was the first person I had feelings for outside of my spouse in ten years so it was hard.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 09:19 PM
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Re: Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

He put you in the "married zone". After your divorce, things will change.

Trust me. He has the hots for you. And he is honorable. Take it slow.

But to have him you need to divorce.
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 09:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

Yeah, I've been wondering that.

I've been so long out of the dating game, I just can't figure it out you know? Like I have this guy friend who likes to call and talk to me and go out with me. I feel like that's not exactly something that happens often in male-female friendships.

My ex's actions kind of have given me a bit of a distorted view on friendships and relationships with people of the opposite sex and I feel like that made me a bit confused. He had female friendships that crossed the line in my eyes and because of how messed up everything went with him and I, I find myself struggling to understand my friend's actions.

But yeah, I think that the sooner I sort this out the better. And even if in the end nothing happens, well at least he gave me the motivation to move forward.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 09:41 PM
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Re: Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

You will be fine. Things have a way of working out, as long as you work hard and stay true to yourself and those around you who love you.

****heads like your ex....people who burn bridges....are the ones who end up alone and friendless.

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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 06:14 AM
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Re: Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

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Yeah, I've been wondering that.



I've been so long out of the dating game, I just can't figure it out you know? Like I have this guy friend who likes to call and talk to me and go out with me. I feel like that's not exactly something that happens often in male-female friendships.



My ex's actions kind of have given me a bit of a distorted view on friendships and relationships with people of the opposite sex and I feel like that made me a bit confused. He had female friendships that crossed the line in my eyes and because of how messed up everything went with him and I, I find myself struggling to understand my friend's actions.



But yeah, I think that the sooner I sort this out the better. And even if in the end nothing happens, well at least he gave me the motivation to move forward.


Well, normally the male friend has to go once you find a steady boyfriend. Unless the boyfriend is the male friend.
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 04:21 AM
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Re: Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

@bwent I can so relate to your situation. I'm 30 next week, separated and also fearful about the future and kids etc. Everyone says there's "plenty of time" but if you're anything like me there's a deep worry that by time you are in the position for those things that it will be too late. And also there's a deep sense of failure that comes from having a marriage breakdown in your 20s. I sometimes feel like people treat me like I am "less than" or that I "don't know what I'm talking about" because I haven't been married for 20, 30, 40 years. I argue that it's bloody hard, no matter the situation or the length of time together. Separation and divorce sucks. In general.

I'm really glad that you have found a good friend to support you through this transition and I do agree with @225985 that this male friend of yours thinks of you as more than a friend. It's just a gut feeling that I have. It might cause complications down the track if you pursue a different relationship, but I say for right now, just enjoy the supportive friend you have. It'll get easier (I hope).
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 04:31 AM
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Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

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@bwent I can so relate to your situation. I'm 30 next week, separated and also fearful about the future and kids etc. Everyone says there's "plenty of time" but if you're anything like me there's a deep worry that by time you are in the position for those things that it will be too late. And also there's a deep sense of failure that comes from having a marriage breakdown in your 20s. I sometimes feel like people treat me like I am "less than" or that I "don't know what I'm talking about" because I haven't been married for 20, 30, 40 years. I argue that it's bloody hard, no matter the situation or the length of time together. Separation and divorce sucks. In general.



I'm really glad that you have found a good friend to support you through this transition and I do agree with @225985 that this male friend of yours thinks of you as more than a friend. It's just a gut feeling that I have. It might cause complications down the track if you pursue a different relationship, but I say for right now, just enjoy the supportive friend you have. It'll get easier (I hope).


Good advice.

No offense but you really are just a kid at 30. I'm 50. You really do have plenty of time. Divorce sucks in your 20s. Sucks more in your 50s.

You will be fine. So will OP. Neither have you are even in your prime years yet.
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 04:48 AM
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Re: Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

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Good advice.

No offense but you really are just a kid at 30. I'm 50. You really do have plenty of time. Divorce sucks in your 20s. Sucks more in your 50s.

You will be fine. So will OP. Neither have you are even in your prime years yet.
I do believe you @225985 Honestly. The longer you are with someone the more a part of you, and everything, they become.

I guess that from mine and the OP's POV (total assumption on part of the OP)... the length of time that these things take, like healing from the first marriage, finding a new partner and then getting married and/or having kids can take quite a significant period of time and the older a woman gets, the more risks associated with pregnancy etc. I think its a perfectly natural concern to have at this age. And especially for a woman. Eggs have an expiry date, sperm don't.
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 05:02 AM
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Re: Just really struggling tonight, fearing the future

How about moving to a bigger community, OP? Would that help?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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