Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 15Likes
  • 1 Post By GuyInColorado
  • 4 Post By tropicalbeachiwish
  • 2 Post By happy as a clam
  • 2 Post By golfpanther
  • 1 Post By Grapes
  • 1 Post By FeministInPink
  • 3 Post By browser
  • 1 Post By feelinglostdivorce
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:24 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 4
Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

2 years ago my wife told me she wanted a divorce. We have been going in separate directions ever since the birth of our 2nd child 10 years ago. I am the major breadwinner in the family but have been more family oriented - wanting to spend time together as a family.

My wife has been more career oriented as she's older (over 50) and wants to spend evenings and weekends working on making a mark in her business and the community. Part of that has been that she is building a business 4 hours away on weekends in her family home area.

As she supported the kids and allowed me to develop my career while they were younger, I have made sacrifices to take care of the kids and the household while she is doing that in the hopes of mending our marriage over the last 2 years and keeping it together.

2 years ago we did try counseling but it didn't work nor is my wife interested in spending any more money on counseling.

Unfortunately the separation and the bridge between us has been too great and she is now firm in wanting a divorce which she told me after the holidays.

This has depressed me to no end and I am really struggling with it.

Its hard to eat, to sleep and my work has suffered from the thought of the dissolution of my marriage. Like most men, I don't have a huge support network like my wife does and all of our friends are for the most part shared (my best friend is her brother in law as an example)

Suggestions on where to go from here.

Lastly, she is wanting to buy a rental property. We have the money and I would be on the title jointly but I am not sure its the right thing to do - to spend cash before a divorce.

Thanks in advance for any guidance or support.

feelinglostdivorce is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:39 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 1,081
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

You're going to be just fine. You need to accept that your marriage wasn't that great and life is too short to married to someone that doesn't love you.

I'm curious, how often were you two being intimate? Was your sex life good throughout all the years?

It's been just a year for me and I almost have my head above the sand financially. But my marriage was a train wreck, 100% no sex for almost 5 years of our 8 year marriage. It was a sham and needed to be ended by someone eventually.

There's millions of single women out there. You're going to find one that is so much better than your soon to be ex wife. Trust me. Dating is exciting. You'll feel like your back in college again.

Time to focus on you. Hit the gym 4x a week. Eat and drink 100% healthy. Keep the booze very limited. Go find a therpaist that you really like and see him/her a few times a month. If you haven't had a physical/blood work done in a while, book an appointment.

And no, don't buy anything right now. Sounds like you two can have an amicable divorce. That will save you a ton of $$ in attorneys if you avoid court. But you both still need an attorney. My divorce was amicable and I still spent $8k in attorneys/mediators/accountants for both of us.

Good luck. You found a great forum that support you throughout the process.
GuyInColorado is offline  
post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:51 AM
Member
 
tropicalbeachiwish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: La La Land
Posts: 1,895
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

If she's been building a business 4 hours away for a few years now, she's been planning her exit. She probably was waiting until the holidays were over to tell you. I'm sorry.

Do NOT purchase anything further with her. Now is the time to start splitting the finances not create new ones. Time for you to find an attorney and also get into counseling.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
tropicalbeachiwish is online now  
 
post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:58 AM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,347
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

It sounds like you are the only one who wanted the family to stay together and do things with the family. Your wife sounds like she just out for herself. She shouldn't have gotten married and I think you'll be much better off without her. Don't buy any rental properties with her, let her do that with her share of the settlement. Take care of the family and yourself with your share. Rental properties are often risky, you never know when you'll get a bad tenant that will wreck the place. Let her take risks with her money not your's.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is online now  
post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:11 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 4
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
You're going to be just fine. You need to accept that your marriage wasn't that great and life is too short to married to someone that doesn't love you.

I'm curious, how often were you two being intimate? Was your sex life good throughout all the years?

It's been just a year for me and I almost have my head above the sand financially. But my marriage was a train wreck, 100% no sex for almost 5 years of our 8 year marriage. It was a sham and needed to be ended by someone eventually.

There's millions of single women out there. You're going to find one that is so much better than your soon to be ex wife. Trust me. Dating is exciting. You'll feel like your back in college again.

Time to focus on you. Hit the gym 4x a week. Eat and drink 100% healthy. Keep the booze very limited. Go find a therpaist that you really like and see him/her a few times a month. If you haven't had a physical/blood work done in a while, book an appointment.

And no, don't buy anything right now. Sounds like you two can have an amicable divorce. That will save you a ton of $$ in attorneys if you avoid court. But you both still need an attorney. My divorce was amicable and I still spent $8k in attorneys/mediators/accountants for both of us.

Good luck. You found a great forum that support you throughout the process.
Thanks man - I like your suggestions - been working out again. Booze has been tough - not an alcoholic by any stretch but have been needing a drink at night to try and go to sleep (hard to not think about the future). Need to goto the doctors as well and find a therapist.

Sex was good in the marriage up until my son was born. We used to do it 2x a week, that trailed off however to 1x/month and there has been no sex for 3 years.
feelinglostdivorce is offline  
post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:16 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,024
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

Is there any chance she has someone on the side there where she is?
Lostinthought61 is offline  
post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:07 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 4
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Xenote View Post
Is there any chance she has someone on the side there where she is?
I don't think so. I think this is just her wanting a change away from me.
feelinglostdivorce is offline  
post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:18 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,296
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

You can still have a family with another woman. There are plenty of family minded ones out there. Let you wife build her business and hold it close at night. Detach and have hope. Life will be good again, finding a woman who shares your priorities will end up being a better deal for you.
sokillme is offline  
post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:21 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 36,181
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

Why would you spend money on another property that you'll just have to split up in the divorce? Are you going to get custody of the kids?
turnera is online now  
post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:43 AM
Member
 
happy as a clam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 5,464
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

Just want to echo what others have said... Do NOT buy additional property with your wife, no matter how the deal is structured. My ex and I had several properties to split up and it just adds red tape plus $$ to the lawyer fees.

No sex for 3 years? Sounds like she's been separating from you for a long time and you'll be much better off without her in the long run. Sorry you're here...


"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
~ Sandfly
happy as a clam is offline  
post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 01:21 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 120
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by feelinglostdivorce View Post
2 years ago my wife told me she wanted a divorce. We have been going in separate directions ever since the birth of our 2nd child 10 years ago. I am the major breadwinner in the family but have been more family oriented - wanting to spend time together as a family.

My wife has been more career oriented as she's older (over 50) and wants to spend evenings and weekends working on making a mark in her business and the community. Part of that has been that she is building a business 4 hours away on weekends in her family home area.

As she supported the kids and allowed me to develop my career while they were younger, I have made sacrifices to take care of the kids and the household while she is doing that in the hopes of mending our marriage over the last 2 years and keeping it together.

2 years ago we did try counseling but it didn't work nor is my wife interested in spending any more money on counseling.

Unfortunately the separation and the bridge between us has been too great and she is now firm in wanting a divorce which she told me after the holidays.

This has depressed me to no end and I am really struggling with it.

Its hard to eat, to sleep and my work has suffered from the thought of the dissolution of my marriage. Like most men, I don't have a huge support network like my wife does and all of our friends are for the most part shared (my best friend is her brother in law as an example)

Suggestions on where to go from here.

Lastly, she is wanting to buy a rental property. We have the money and I would be on the title jointly but I am not sure its the right thing to do - to spend cash before a divorce.

Thanks in advance for any guidance or support.
As someone who was in your shoes around 4 months ago, I can definitely relate.

As cliche as it sounds, just focus on yourself. I've been more social these past 4 months than at any other point in my life. Go out with what friends you do have, lean on family if you can and try to meet more people. Go out and explore a new place, jog, hike, play a sport or whatever hobbies you have that you maybe didn't get the time to explore before. Or, take up a new one that you've always wanted.

It took me about a month to get back to a somewhat normal eating, sleeping and work routine. If you feel comfortable, I'd recommend telling your boss about what's going on as soon as you can. Even if you feel like they aren't someone who would give a damn, you'll probably be surprised by the amount of compassion you'll get with this situation. It's best to be honest about why your work may be suffering rather than letting your boss wonder.

I would nix any idea of buying property. It would just add complications to the divorce process and, as others have stated, this is a time to separate everything, not build new connections.

It's going to suck really badly for a while. I'm only just now getting somewhat okay with what's happened to my marriage, but I'm light years away from where I was the first couple of months. Hang in there.
golfpanther is offline  
post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 02:51 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Mars - arent all men?
Posts: 536
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by feelinglostdivorce View Post
Thanks man - I like your suggestions - been working out again. Booze has been tough - not an alcoholic by any stretch but have been needing a drink at night to try and go to sleep (hard to not think about the future).
Im sorry your here Feeling!

I get this - believe me I do - I was there 4 years ago. It seems innocent now and it probably is but it can get out of hand before you know it. You wont even realize its out of hand. A drink turns to 2 then next thing you know your downing a bottle of jack. Take care of your self and find another outlet to sleep. Thank god a recognized where i was headed and pulled myself out. Theres no answers down there.

I find working out, concentrating on the noise of a fan (white noise) helps me. Booze may help you fall asleep but the quality of sleep if very bad.
Grapes is offline  
post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 03:38 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,389
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
It sounds like you are the only one who wanted the family to stay together and do things with the family. Your wife sounds like she just out for herself. She shouldn't have gotten married and I think you'll be much better off without her. Don't buy any rental properties with her, let her do that with her share of the settlement. Take care of the family and yourself with your share. Rental properties are often risky, you never know when you'll get a bad tenant that will wreck the place. Let her take risks with her money not your's.
I agree with all this.

I will pass on to you some advice that a lawyer gave me when it seemed like a divorce was imminent for me. My (now) XH (then current H) wanted to buy a restaurant using joint funds as the down payment, and I didn't want to. My lawyer told me to inform him via email (so I would have a paper trail) that I did not endorse the purchase of a restaurant, nor did I agree to the use of marital funds for the purchase of a restaurant. She said that it would help me recoup my share of the money if the business failed and there was nothing to split up, and it would protect me from legal responsibility if the business failed, went into debt, or was sued for some reason.

She also said that informing my (now) XH in writing might shake him up and scare him into NOT doing it right away. She was definitely right on that front.

I don't know if that will help protect you, but I don't think it will hurt. It might be in your best interest to get all your finances legally separated as soon as possible, even if the divorce itself won't be finalized for a while. I know that right now, you are emotionally distraught, but you really need to keep a level head and protect your financial interests as best you can.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is offline  
post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 03:41 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by feelinglostdivorce View Post
Lastly, she is wanting to buy a rental property. We have the money and I would be on the title jointly but I am not sure its the right thing to do - to spend cash before a divorce.
As you suspect, getting even more financially involved with your soon to be ex spouse is only going to complicate things.

I'm rather surprised she even suggested it knowing that you're splitting up.

Divide up what you've got, amicably if possible, get it all legal in a settlement agreement, and have it stamped by a judge, and then she can go use her share to buy whatever she wants.

As far as your mental state you might be better off consulting with a physician about mood stabilizing antidepressants with anti anxiety properties to use for the short term. Better than self medicating with alcohol.
browser is offline  
post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 07:38 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 4
Re: Really Struggling with Breakup of Marriage

Thanks everyone for the guidance. I spoke to an attorney recommended to me by a friend and in addition my spouse and I had a heart to heart last night so am in a much better state. Neither of us wants a contentious divorce.

We plan to try and do a collaborative divorce. Joint custody of kids being the most important. The attorney also guided me as to how the real estate purchase can be handled pre divorce. I will use it as a way to lessen my spousal support obligations.
feelinglostdivorce is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Top 3 Unrealistic Expectations that Could Be Poisoning Your Marriage VS Glen Home Page Feature News 2 08-27-2016 02:55 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome