Stuck alone and miserable in in wife's city with 3 kids?
Just reading all these posts by my fellow men has me breathing a bit easier as I'm not the only one going through pain and heartache. I too, am currently going through such an unfortunate situation. This has nothing to do with cheating or not that i know of. I've been married to my wife of over 7 years (total 11 years together) but she now is ending it for good after my pleading and suggestions for counselling. I have reached the stage of acceptance. We have 3 kids (ages 2,4 and 6). She has finally gotten tired of me and possibly my attitude.
Long story short..well still lengthy...I met her after she moved to my city for work. Sparks were flying, things were great and got married after 4 years of dating. My 3 beautiful kids were born out this relationship. Trouble started brewing 3 yrs ago after we agreed that she can go visit her small hometown for the summer while on mat leave with our second child. I of course thought i was being compassionate for her as she missed being with family. Upon her arrival back from her town, she was very distant & cold. I soon learned that she was unhappy in the big city and her recent hometown visit made her realize how much she missed her family and friends back home. Initially, she knew i would NEVER move to her hometown (because i already had a great job, family, friends, network) when we were dating but she gave me a heartbreaking ultimatum. She was already set in her ways of moving back. Either we can continue our relationship in HER city OR that it was OVER for our marriage/family. I was shocked, devastated and confused as i didn't know our relationship was on rocky waters in the first place. We got into a huge fight as I thought she was being very selfish! Thinking about saving our marriage & kids, I reluctantly agreed to move there knowing that i would have to quit my beloved job, have no family (other than through her), friends or support network there.
I can say that the relationship did improve over the 3 yrs of living here but at the same time I was very depressed & miserable about everything else. I dreaded driving every morning to a job that i didn't like which also was a 20k pay cut from my previous job (there really is no job market for what i do and if there were, it was hard to land such a position as i found networking to be a major obstacle being new to the city), the weather was always cold & grey, i was constantly alone and really couldn't make any new close friends. I found that most people in a small city already have their clique and it's hard to join one. All this resulted in a lot of arguments, outbursts on my part about how I can't adapt and how miserable & alone i felt. I'll admit it that it didn't help that i kept complaining about it once in a while. I was happy with the kids and all but i kept thinking about my own personal being, mental health that i wasn't happy with my life, surroundings and career anymore. I even saw a doctor about my depression. Almost felt like a dead end. My last argument/outburst with her which was several weeks ago was the last straw for her in dealing with me. I blame myself but to some extent resent her for making me move in the first place. I totally regret bringing up my last quarrel with her as this was it for her. She didn't outright tell me to leave but she said that we can no longer be together. How she has lost that love for me a while ago. I told her that i haven't been my true happy self for the last 3 years of living there and to take that into consideration. She just claimed that i've always been this way and that she's always bit her tongue for the longest time. Realizing the magnitude of the situation and what it would do to the kids/marriage.. I've been pleading with her to give me one more chance but to no avail. I've come to the stage of acceptance and will have to weather these dark days that's ahead. I've already started playing out custody scenerios in the future. I'm fully understanding that the children have a great structure that's been developed over the last 3 years in this small city. 2 of the 3 kids are already in school with a developing circle of friends, plenty more cousins their age here and the basic daily routine with 2 grandparents to help with the daily chores. I know there's no chance in splitting the kids or even bringing them back and yes, the wife has great mothering skills.
Right now, as i write...i'm in that state of fresh limbo. We can't salvage anything but we're still living together in our 1 year old newly built house. We've been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a a couple of weeks now. The hardest thing for me is currently watching my wife's actions as she's leaving me alone or with the kids at the house while she spends time with her sister/brother in law, parents, friends. On weekends she'll either go to the parent's house for the whole day or have her sister come over for the whole day using her as some type of 'barrier' to avoid talking or being with me. It's really awkward as the only family/friends i know are through her. At the same time, It's killing me slowly as i get the feeling they're all turning against me. It's no hidden fact that they'll just support her. I'm deeply hurting inside as i have nobody to turn to and being so alone in this city. Calling my family/friends on the phone can only do so much from where i am.
I need your help in guidance. Just the thought of not having the kids around or making them grow up without ideal parenthood kills me. I want to be around for the 3 kids but they'll be around a very lonely sad dad. Also the thought of moving out alone to a smaller apartment where i get to see the kids part time in addition to continue going through my own self depression, being miserable living where i struggle to make friends, have no family or network connections. I've been laid off already and facing another layoff as there are really no job opportunites for what i do. I'm also thinking about my own personal being which is really suffering.
What would you do if you were me?
Last edited by dredredre1; 12-13-2011 at 10:53 PM.