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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 11:29 AM Thread Starter
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So confused

I've have been married for 25 years and together for 27 years. The first couple of years were kinda rough but we made it thru, we have 3 children 2 are over 21 and live with me and the 3rd one is 17 and lives with me. She moved out. It's been 6 months and I still can't get over her. When i talk to her i get so caught up with my heart that i feel like she's sending signals of her liking me. But then i get a response at some point that she is done and doesn't want to work on it. I don't know what to do. When i see her i see a sparkle and a smile that to me seems like she wants to work on it, but then i get a verbal message of how she doesn't know or want to work it out. To be fair to her i started to shut down when she would complain about things i could have easily fixed. So there was some distance in our house sometimes. But i always try to make it up by taking the family/her to dinner or out offroading. (My hobby) In retrospect i could have paid more attention and done things she liked, but it was always a fight/argument because she thought i was bored or unhappy doing it. The kids are taking it ok and are dealing with it pretty well, they were actually my rock when i fell into a deep depression. I've tried to not text/call her but its hard and sometimes i fail and do it. What should i do, how long should i wait before i put my foot down and move on. She said she wants to be friends but i can't be a friend without wanting to get back together

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 12:01 PM
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Re: So confused

Youve already waited long enough at 6 months in my opinion. Its time now. Pinning for her and being heart broken is a brutal way to spend your short life. You deserve to be happy.

You need to read the 180 and do it. It will seem counterproductive but it isnt. live the 180.

Did she explain to you why she moved out and was done? What did she say. this will be helpful for advice. I hate that this is always the first thing asked but do you suspect she met someone else? If not read about walk away wives.

It sounds like she is either stringing you along with the smiles or she is just happy with the way things are and you are misreading the situation. Either way YOU are unhappy and only YOU can change that.

What have you done to cement the separation? do you still pay for her living expenses? does she support herself? If you are shes cake eating like no ones business. If your still paying its time to stop and let her experience living single for real. You were fired from the job of supporting her.

edit to add regarding friends. if you cant be friends with her there is nothing wrong with that. Its your life live it the way that makes you happy.
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 12:13 PM
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Re: So confused

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Originally Posted by Sinisterphoto View Post
I've have been married for 25 years and together for 27 years.
If you get dumped after 27 years, it's a safe bet she had a LONG time to meticulously plan it. More likely than not, her plan to dump you was conceived long ago and she waited it execute it until the youngest was old enough. She's completely selfish and only looked out for HER best interests.

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What should i do, how long should i wait before i put my foot down and move on.
Today friend. Move on starting TODAY. She's a checked out WAW. It's BEEN OVER for a long time. Unfortunately, you only got the memo six months ago.

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She said she wants to be friends but i can't be a friend without wanting to get back together
ABSOLUTELY NOT. Do not "be friends" with her. She wants out, then SHE'S OUT. Being friends is simply a way for her to emotionally cake eat and alleviate her guilt. "Look, I'm not so bad. We're friends now!"

Fvck that sh!t bro...

Go 180 on her. NO CONTACT period. The kids are old enough, no need to deal with her crap. Move on.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 01:46 PM
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Re: So confused

You need to start reading and understanding.

I would start here
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: So confused

You are WAY WAY WAY too soft. You need to grow a set and start acting like an adult and not like a kicked puppy. It isn't very attractive.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: So confused

She said she didn't love me like that anymore. I have to say i was a pretty ****ty husband. I only looked out for my needs and self interest. But most of my choices in life were because i was the bread winner, she only started working about 6 years ago. I know it takes two make it work. I feel i let her down and my family. I kinda agree that she might be going thru a mid life crisis and i owe her time since i was a crappy husband, no abuse or infidelity but never took her feelings into consideration when making big life choices, like buying a car, painting our room, buying couches. I really thank you all for your advice, I will take it all in and consider a 180 move. The hardest part in getting over is putting your feelings/heart aside and using your brain to make the choice. I read a book called Love and Respect and it opened up my eyes on some of my faults. Unfortunate she doesn't want to have anything to do with it. I tried asking her to go to marriage counseling, but again she declined. She states that she always tried but i never wanted to try it when she wanted to try and i can agree with that statement. It is the hardest thing in life but i know i will get thru it, just so damn difficult when your heart is stronger than your brain. As far as i know and she's told me there is no one in her life. In fact she texted me she wanted to see me for NSA sex. i told her no because i would have feelings and she said ok
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: So confused

You did let her down. Repeatedly. Consistently. For more than 20 years. She wasted a lot of time on you and now she deserves to live a better life. Accept that, wish her well, learn from it, and try to be a better person for future women you meet.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: So confused

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You did let her down. Repeatedly. Consistently. For more than 20 years. She wasted a lot of time on you and now she deserves to live a better life. Accept that, wish her well, learn from it, and try to be a better person for future women you meet.
What might your EX do/feel if you did meet another woman?

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:18 AM
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Re: So confused

It appears your wife is a walk away spouse. I've only read one thread where the husband was able to win her back. Has she bought of terms of the divorce yet?

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:10 AM
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Cool Re: So confused

It's well past time to move her from "present tense" to "memory!"

She's already done you that way! Except that she's still seems to be milking you emotionally whenever the need arises!

"180" her and just move on to the next chapter in your life! She made her bed ~ time to let her lay in it!



"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 05:30 AM
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Re: So confused

You messed up. Own it, learn why you did it, go to therapy to explore it, and don't do it again.

She can't let you go completely (probably because she's got her own issues) so she waffles between missing you and remembering why she's actually PO with you. It's a sign she can't cut you off totally so you need to be the man and do it for her. Going NC is the best you can do.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 06:21 AM
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Re: So confused

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Originally Posted by Sinisterphoto View Post
I kinda agree that she might be going thru a mid life crisis and i owe her time since i was a crappy husband, no abuse or infidelity but never took her feelings into consideration when making big life choices, like buying a car, painting our room, buying couches.
OMG stop trying to find garbage can excuses for why your wife wanted to leave.

As another poster said, she'd probably been planning this for a long time. It's not like she woke up at 42 (or whatever) and threw all her stuff in a moving truck due to a 'midlife crisis.'

When a woman is DONE, she's usually done.

Jeez, accept that she's DONE and move the hell on.
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 07:10 AM
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Re: So confused

Just a thought here...but if you turn her down for NSA, than she might get it elsewhere. I realize that you still love her, but by saying no you might be forcing her hand.
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 07:27 AM
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Start working to become the man you wish you were for her during your marriage. Do the 180. She will see that you are a changed man and if there's any hope left she will come back to you. Make these changes not to get her back, but because they need to be made. At this point it is out of your control.

I read an article during my separation (my husband actually separated with me, told me there was no hope for reconciling, moved out and then within 2 mos of separation realized they were his issues and begged me back). The article talks about not chasing your spouse and compares it to your dog getting out of the house, running down the street. If you chase them they will keep running. If you refuse to chase there's a better chance they will come back.

Good luck to you. I am proof that wayward spouses can come back and things can be better than ever.
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 08:17 AM
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Re: So confused

Her asking for 'no strings attached" sex is a good sign. It "may" mean that she is lonely and she is horny. It may mean that she is "not" getting it elsewhere. It could also mean that she is worried that you are going to stray and that she wants to "string you along" some more. To keep you hopeful, while she makes up her mind.

If you love her I would take her up on her offer. She will not offer it up again. Do an excellent job on her. Spend an hour or more, lots of kissing, foreplay and oral.

After that be friendly, but scarce. Keep her wondering what you are up to. She may be buckling and wavering. She may want to come back home. She wants to be romanced. She wants to come home, but is too proud to ask. She wants you to ask. Ask, do not beg.
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