I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 01:57 PM Thread Starter
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I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

The short story is that my wife and I have been physically separated for 7 months now. I live outside the home and we share custody of my 7 year old daughter. There was cheating on her part and we did do counseling for 9-10 visits. She just could not make up her mind on whether our marriage was worth saving. In the last couple of weeks I finally just could not take the fence sitting and cake-eating and lost my temper on her. I think that triggered something in her and she reconnected with her AP and just yesterday announced that we should divorce. We have been married 10 years.

I agreed that we should, but I'm still a little bit sad at giving up on a perfectly reparable marriage. She doesn't see it that simply. She also has had breast cancer, a mastectomy, hysterectomy, lost her job, and a history of childhood emotional abuse. She was also abandoned at birth (adoption). I think it was more of a combination of these issues that has lead to her decision. I'm not taking it personally but it sucks.

We will meet today to see if we see eye to eye on what is "fair" in our split. I already know that this will not go well. While she agrees that we need 50/50 custody, she does not interpret that as my daughter sleeps at my place 3.5 days a week and 3.5 days at her home. She interprets that as she can spend 2 nights with me and then maybe a little extra day time with Dad. She feels that daughter needs a "home base" and that it would be a hardship on her to have a 3-3-5-5 or 2-2-3-3 type of schedule. This total BS and I am going to get true 50/50 custody.

Another big issue that will come up is our current home. She makes more money than I and made the down-payment on our home. The title is in her name, but I have been making my share of the mortgage payments for 2.5 years. She feels that the house is "hers" and will not agree to share the equity of the home. She wants to keep our home. The house is too big and she does not do a good job at maintaining it. I am no lawyer but I need to consult with one (here in California) to see whether she could actually be the owner of this property. I don't know. I want half of the equity.

She wants to do the divorce easily and through mediation. I suspect that a lot of these stumbling blocks will eventually lead to lawyers. I hate fighting with my wife, but she is also a very alpha female, Dutch and a fighter. This could get ugly. I'm going to just listen to her wish list today and state mine. I will not fight or argue but take in her words and process it for a couple of days. Then, I will have a consult with a lawyer and probably move towards mediation. Child custody is priority #1. She will not budge on my getting Sun and Thur for the time being.
Does this seem fair? Is anything ever fair? Does this process have to happen quickly?

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:04 PM
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

Get a lawyer. That is what is fair.

Second, it is not up to your Ex to dictate the time the D can spend with you. The home will need to be sold. Married asset.

Get a lawyer.

Get a lawyer.

Sorry this is happening to you.

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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:12 PM
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

your case is exactly why you need a lawyer.....you will lose in mediation, this is no where to be penny wise and pound foolish...also is the AP married? this could give you leverage as well.
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:35 PM
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

More than 2 switches during a week isn't easy on anyone, especially once other people are involved. I suggest you focus on something like Thurs-Fri-Sat/Sun-Mon-Tues and switching every other Sunday. It allows you both to see her on the switch days and allows you to plan your life around this. It's terrible, but it also can be beneficial given the circumstances you are living in.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:38 PM
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

Stop letting her whims control your life. Don't you want better? Why are you willing to take so little in everything about this relationship. Do you think you are worth so little? If you don't get a handle on why you are willing to be bullied as you have, even to the point of not fighting for fairness in the divorce agreement you will attract the exact same type of woman. The type that will cheat on you, kick you out of your own home and have you fence sit for 7 months. Then when you say it enough like any person would (actually most people would wait as long as you did) she goes back to her AP. If she ever left.

Being the way you are will only attract people who see your lack of assertiveness as a sign to take advantage of you. You need to fix this. It's not healthy, and it also not noble or honorable. You have a responsibility to stand up for yourself and to demand more of you SO and everyone else in your life.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cvdave View Post
The short story is that my wife and I have been physically separated for 7 months now. I live outside the home and we share custody of my 7 year old daughter. There was cheating on her part and we did do counseling for 9-10 visits. She just could not make up her mind on whether our marriage was worth saving. In the last couple of weeks I finally just could not take the fence sitting and cake-eating and lost my temper on her. I think that triggered something in her and she reconnected with her AP and just yesterday announced that we should divorce. We have been married 10 years.

I agreed that we should, but I'm still a little bit sad at giving up on a perfectly reparable marriage. She doesn't see it that simply. She also has had breast cancer, a mastectomy, hysterectomy, lost her job, and a history of childhood emotional abuse. She was also abandoned at birth (adoption). I think it was more of a combination of these issues that has lead to her decision. I'm not taking it personally but it sucks.

We will meet today to see if we see eye to eye on what is "fair" in our split. I already know that this will not go well. While she agrees that we need 50/50 custody, she does not interpret that as my daughter sleeps at my place 3.5 days a week and 3.5 days at her home. She interprets that as she can spend 2 nights with me and then maybe a little extra day time with Dad. She feels that daughter needs a "home base" and that it would be a hardship on her to have a 3-3-5-5 or 2-2-3-3 type of schedule. This total BS and I am going to get true 50/50 custody.

Another big issue that will come up is our current home. She makes more money than I and made the down-payment on our home. The title is in her name, but I have been making my share of the mortgage payments for 2.5 years. She feels that the house is "hers" and will not agree to share the equity of the home. She wants to keep our home. The house is too big and she does not do a good job at maintaining it. I am no lawyer but I need to consult with one (here in California) to see whether she could actually be the owner of this property. I don't know. I want half of the equity.

She wants to do the divorce easily and through mediation. I suspect that a lot of these stumbling blocks will eventually lead to lawyers. I hate fighting with my wife, but she is also a very alpha female, Dutch and a fighter. This could get ugly. I'm going to just listen to her wish list today and state mine. I will not fight or argue but take in her words and process it for a couple of days. Then, I will have a consult with a lawyer and probably move towards mediation. Child custody is priority #1. She will not budge on my getting Sun and Thur for the time being.
Does this seem fair? Is anything ever fair? Does this process have to happen quickly?
I understand being sad... feel it... let it pass... then pull up your big boy pants and put on your sh1t kickers!

Its not a perfectly repairable marriage if she runs off to her AP at the first sign of an issue. Its actually the exact opposite of repairable.

Lawyer Lawyer Lawyer man. From what i read it sounds like you will be in for the fight of your life. Being apart for 7 months you already established the status quo so i hope that status quo is in your benefit with regards to your daughter.

If I were you, when you have your sit down i wouldn't reply at all. You already know you wont like what she has to say. I would let her get everything out, write it down, then when shes done give her a big smile, slight laugh, say thank you and leave.. Take what you have to lawyer then go dark and let him advise you.

I really hope this works out for you because every kid deserves their parents.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

Here's some answers:

California Divorce Laws Explained | Easy to Understand Divorce Guide

Go to the questions further down.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

Your meeting with her will be a waste of time. You already have a idea of her version of fair which she will never get. Your best bet is to find a lawyer and break off communication with your stbx.

Get the notion out of your head your marriage is/was salvageable. It takes two to repair and she never wanted to. She most likely never stopped being in contact with AP.

Being your in California and she is the higher earner you will want to be awarded the primary custody parent for child support purposes. California takes community property to extremes so she will have a tough time not splitting the house. If you've been married 10 years and she is the higher wage earner you've hit a magic mark for alimony for you. None of this she will like but this is why you need to consult a lawyer.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 02:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

During our meeting she stated to the me that the house is hers because she used monies from an inheritance that she received before we were married to make the downpayment. Even though I made 1/2 payments on the mortgage for 2.5 years she is stating that this does not entitle me to half of the equity in the house. I don't trust this and must consult with a lawyer.

In terms of child custody she feels that her home should be my daughter's home base and that visits that equal half of the week should be sufficient. She feels that it is too hard on our 7 year old. While my daughter has been stressing over all of this back and forth, I feel that her staying with me 3 days a week is only fair. Independent opinions have told me that perhaps being too hard lined about this bit of the negotiating may be detrimental to everyone's emotional health. When she visits my place the evening has ended with my daughter on a Facetime call with my wife begging to either go home or have my wife come to us. I have to stop these conversations.

I slid back a bit this weekend and tried getting my wife to reconsider this whole divorce thing. She has a therapist appointment today. We'll see how things go.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

I think you will find the divorce process is never fair to men. You definitely need a lawyer to get as much back from her as you can. She did the cheating so make it a main point in the divorce case. How can they give more custody to a mother who cheats? What would that be teaching her daughter as a role model. Don't be afraid to go after her. She seems to have no problem taking as much as she can get. Don't let that happen. She's the enemy, treat her like the enemy.


"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 05:37 PM
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cvdave View Post
During our meeting she stated to the me that the house is hers because she used monies from an inheritance that she received before we were married to make the downpayment. Even though I made 1/2 payments on the mortgage for 2.5 years she is stating that this does not entitle me to half of the equity in the house. I don't trust this and must consult with a lawyer.

In terms of child custody she feels that her home should be my daughter's home base and that visits that equal half of the week should be sufficient. She feels that it is too hard on our 7 year old. While my daughter has been stressing over all of this back and forth, I feel that her staying with me 3 days a week is only fair. Independent opinions have told me that perhaps being too hard lined about this bit of the negotiating may be detrimental to everyone's emotional health. When she visits my place the evening has ended with my daughter on a Facetime call with my wife begging to either go home or have my wife come to us. I have to stop these conversations.

I slid back a bit this weekend and tried getting my wife to reconsider this whole divorce thing. She has a therapist appointment today. We'll see how things go.
The house was purchase after you were married. A lawyers favorite term is comingled. She used what may have been exempt funds and used them to purchase a marital asset. Now it's comingled and loses any potential exemption. Why are you listening to your stbx for legal advice? Hire a lawyer and be done with listening to her.

The unfortunate casualty of divorce is the child but it's pretty typical one has 3 nights, one has four nights or a week with one, week with another. It is stressful on kids in the beginning which is why setting up a consistent schedule is important so they develop the routine. Again this is why you need to have a lawyer, your thinking short term with the child being stressed now. The agreement will be set for the next 10 years most likely.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 05:45 PM
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cvdave View Post
During our meeting she stated to the me that the house is hers because she used monies from an inheritance that she received before we were married to make the downpayment. Even though I made 1/2 payments on the mortgage for 2.5 years she is stating that this does not entitle me to half of the equity in the house. I don't trust this and must consult with a lawyer.

In terms of child custody she feels that her home should be my daughter's home base and that visits that equal half of the week should be sufficient. She feels that it is too hard on our 7 year old. While my daughter has been stressing over all of this back and forth, I feel that her staying with me 3 days a week is only fair. Independent opinions have told me that perhaps being too hard lined about this bit of the negotiating may be detrimental to everyone's emotional health. When she visits my place the evening has ended with my daughter on a Facetime call with my wife begging to either go home or have my wife come to us. I have to stop these conversations.

I slid back a bit this weekend and tried getting my wife to reconsider this whole divorce thing. She has a therapist appointment today. We'll see how things go.
You should expect to get crushed. You have yet to show you have any will to fight for even just plain fairness. Who is giving you advice? Her parents? You need a good lawyer pronto. A woman who has an affair and tells you that a house you paid at least half of is hers is not acting out of friendship. Seriously dude does she need to shoot you for you to see that?
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 06:39 PM
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cvdave View Post
The short story is that my wife and I have been physically separated for 7 months now. I live outside the home and we share custody of my 7 year old daughter. There was cheating on her part and we did do counseling for 9-10 visits. She just could not make up her mind on whether our marriage was worth saving. In the last couple of weeks I finally just could not take the fence sitting and cake-eating and lost my temper on her. I think that triggered something in her and she reconnected with her AP and just yesterday announced that we should divorce. We have been married 10 years.

I agreed that we should, but I'm still a little bit sad at giving up on a perfectly reparable marriage. She doesn't see it that simply. She also has had breast cancer, a mastectomy, hysterectomy, lost her job, and a history of childhood emotional abuse. She was also abandoned at birth (adoption). I think it was more of a combination of these issues that has lead to her decision. I'm not taking it personally but it sucks.

We will meet today to see if we see eye to eye on what is "fair" in our split. I already know that this will not go well. While she agrees that we need 50/50 custody, she does not interpret that as my daughter sleeps at my place 3.5 days a week and 3.5 days at her home. She interprets that as she can spend 2 nights with me and then maybe a little extra day time with Dad. She feels that daughter needs a "home base" and that it would be a hardship on her to have a 3-3-5-5 or 2-2-3-3 type of schedule. This total BS and I am going to get true 50/50 custody.

Another big issue that will come up is our current home. She makes more money than I and made the down-payment on our home. The title is in her name, but I have been making my share of the mortgage payments for 2.5 years. She feels that the house is "hers" and will not agree to share the equity of the home. She wants to keep our home. The house is too big and she does not do a good job at maintaining it. I am no lawyer but I need to consult with one (here in California) to see whether she could actually be the owner of this property. I don't know. I want half of the equity.

She wants to do the divorce easily and through mediation. I suspect that a lot of these stumbling blocks will eventually lead to lawyers. I hate fighting with my wife, but she is also a very alpha female, Dutch and a fighter. This could get ugly. I'm going to just listen to her wish list today and state mine. I will not fight or argue but take in her words and process it for a couple of days. Then, I will have a consult with a lawyer and probably move towards mediation. Child custody is priority #1. She will not budge on my getting Sun and Thur for the time being.
Does this seem fair? Is anything ever fair? Does this process have to happen quickly?
CVDave,

Just go back and read the first paragraph . She reconnected with her AP . That should make you think really carefully about trying to still save this. Is that the way you want to live, knowing every time you piss her off she will run to him. Not knowing the story and what you have done to blow this affair up, it is difficult to suggest anything to you other than to make sure you get yourself a competent attorney that will tell you what is possible in California or not. Do not let your wife decide that.
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 07:56 PM
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

Dave,
How long have you two owned the house?

What percentage down payment did she make?




Quote:
Originally Posted by cvdave View Post
During our meeting she stated to the me that the house is hers because she used monies from an inheritance that she received before we were married to make the downpayment. Even though I made 1/2 payments on the mortgage for 2.5 years she is stating that this does not entitle me to half of the equity in the house. I don't trust this and must consult with a lawyer.

In terms of child custody she feels that her home should be my daughter's home base and that visits that equal half of the week should be sufficient. She feels that it is too hard on our 7 year old. While my daughter has been stressing over all of this back and forth, I feel that her staying with me 3 days a week is only fair. Independent opinions have told me that perhaps being too hard lined about this bit of the negotiating may be detrimental to everyone's emotional health. When she visits my place the evening has ended with my daughter on a Facetime call with my wife begging to either go home or have my wife come to us. I have to stop these conversations.

I slid back a bit this weekend and tried getting my wife to reconsider this whole divorce thing. She has a therapist appointment today. We'll see how things go.
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:45 PM
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Re: I'm no longer in limbo. I'm headed for Divorce.

Get on POF and find an easy lay. You'll realize there are many many available women out there and you don't have to settle for seconds with your cheating POS wife.

I separated, got laid the next night and divorce finalized 6 months after separation. Get moving. Time flies by fast!

I have two kids under 6. I got 50/50. Every other weekend and a day or two in the weeks. Me and the Ex work around each other schedules when possible. But so far, it's working out very good. I gave her the house and kept my retirement, truck, and camper. She refinanced the house and her car into her own name 3 months after divorce was finalized. I divorced her, so our situation is a little difference. I didn't care if I lost everything, I needed a redo at life. My marriage was a sham and miserable.
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