I just can't understand... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 10:49 PM Thread Starter
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I just can't understand...

So ex signed the papers today. He never questioned me asking for sole legal and physical custody of the kids (because he abandoned them, not because I'm a wench), but had all sorts of complaints about financial stuff. I'm am so upset for my children. They seem fine and content, but did ask a while back why their dad didn't even try to fight for them. I never would have prevented that. My wish was always that they had a good relationship with both of us. My heart hurts so badly for them. Please tell me this gets better.

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 11:17 PM
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Re: I just can't understand...

It gets better.

Be supportive for your kids. Be honest....they will figure it all out eventually.

I had the same thing happen....But it was my mom.

They, and you, will survive this

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 11:34 PM
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Re: I just can't understand...

When my parents divorced, it was the biggest relief for me. My father did not fight for us...only years later for my younger siblings he wanted to because he did not want to pay child support. But the truth is, the kids have you and as you have supported them and continue to care for them, they will look back and want to care for you the same way when you get old. This is only speaking from personal experience.
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 12:07 AM
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My first husband of 11 years took visitation for 3 years after our divorce and then just one day stopped seeing the kids. Our oldest was 13, youngest 9, so old enough that he should have bonded with them. They never enjoyed going to his house and so they would always have excuses like school projects (he would tell them stay home and do them) or being sick (his wife wouldn't let them come over if they were sick bc they have a toddler) so they wouldn't have to go. They were relieved of the lack of visits bc he was a crap dad, but I have been furious since. Sometimes it will hit me and I will snap and email him.

The few times my kids have been bummed about him I've had to tell them that their father does love them but was never shown how to be a father. I tell them it's not anything they deserve and that they deserve more bc they are great, but that he doesn't even realize how much it hurts them. I tell them this is an example of the kid of parent you don't want to be and that I hope they grow to be incredible parents!

The truth is you can't bad talk him and you can't excuse him. The best thing is to be tactful and frame everythng in a way that makes them feel loved. "Dad didn't fight harder because he knew I'd let you see him anytime you want! And I mean that...he can come get you any time and I will support it. If you want to see him just ask!"
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 12:21 PM
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Re: I just can't understand...

Not much here to need to understand, your ex is a selfish POS, end of story. Your kids will be better off with him being out of the picture, way more stability than dealing with him. Hell, my daughter saw her dad every week, but he was completely uninvolved in her life otherwise. Just don't talk badly about him to your kids and be there for them.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 12:34 PM
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Re: I just can't understand...

It's pretty clear that your X didn't really want the kids in his life going forward since he wouldn't fight for them. It's too bad the both of you won't be involved in their lives but as long as they have the support of their mom, they will be ok. I think he will look back at this and regret what he has done...and by then it'll be too late. They will have grown into wonderful people without his involvement and probably won't want him around.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: I just can't understand...

Some people do things that you will find inexplicable, and you will never have an answer of why. Things like this. They are simply wired differently; they lack empathy and there hearts are hard.

If he would do this to his children, they are better off without him in their life. If you try to force it (them spending time with their father), he might play along for a little while, but he would eventually drift out of their life, and drag it out, making it more painful for them. The only thing you can do is love them enough for two parents, and make sure they know that his disappearance is his failing, not theirs, and that they ARE lovable. Support them the best that you can. If you have family nearby, you may wish to encourage them to become more active in your children's lives, so they know that lots of people love them, not just mom.

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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 02:42 AM
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Re: I just can't understand...

So sad to hear this. Speaking as a father who is now just fighting for visitation rights, this is inexplicable. I would be grateful to have an ex as supportive of my role as a father as you are for a man who probably doesn't deserve that respect. In my view this shows that you are a great person and will certainly do right by your children.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: I just can't understand...

There are always 2 sides to the coin. You may want to count this as a blessing. I fought for and was granted custody 14 YEARS AGO. My Ex has been bitter since day 1. At first she would demand seeing the kids as much as possible and then dropped out of site, YEARS at a time with no contact. Kids have almost no relationship with her anymore, don't want to see her, initiate no contact with her, and avoid her. Son in College - just 16.5 yr old daughter and me now.

Last night - yes LAST NIGHT - at 12:45 AM we were awoken by pounding on front door and lots of lights... 4 cop cars, at least 5 cops. "Someone" called 911 saying there was an emergency situation "with abuse" at our house. Bunch of aggressive questions to start. We were effing sleeping. Brief explanation to cops - they check 911 call from # - and yep... guess who. I apologize, they apologize, I apologize again. Fricken sucks. I am positive we all would prefer no contact.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 09:40 AM
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Re: I just can't understand...

I don't know your backstory so I'm going to speak generally based on countless books, articles and stories I've read of others.

Sometimes when the marriage breaks down, the husband is just so angry (not that the wife is necessarily at fault) that he just lumps the kids and the exwife all together as one big unhappy "mistake" and walks away because it's the path of least pain and resistance. It doesn't make the pain go away it just helps to bury it.

Sometimes, down the line when the anger dissipates dad will start missing his kids and come around looking for them and they can rebuild.

Other times the father just disappears because either he really doesn't care or he gets so busy building his new life (sometimes with more kids) that he just forgets about the old one.

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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 11:07 AM
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Re: I just can't understand...

Quote:
Originally Posted by browser View Post
I don't know your backstory so I'm going to speak generally based on countless books, articles and stories I've read of others.

Sometimes when the marriage breaks down, the husband is just so angry (not that the wife is necessarily at fault) that he just lumps the kids and the exwife all together as one big unhappy "mistake" and walks away because it's the path of least pain and resistance. It doesn't make the pain go away it just helps to bury it.

Sometimes, down the line when the anger dissipates dad will start missing his kids and come around looking for them and they can rebuild.

Other times the father just disappears because either he really doesn't care or he gets so busy building his new life (sometimes with more kids) that he just forgets about the old one.
This is so sad. And self-defeating. Humans are foolish creatures.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: I just can't understand...

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Originally Posted by 2&out View Post
There are always 2 sides to the coin. You may want to count this as a blessing. I fought for and was granted custody 14 YEARS AGO. My Ex has been bitter since day 1. At first she would demand seeing the kids as much as possible and then dropped out of site, YEARS at a time with no contact. Kids have almost no relationship with her anymore, don't want to see her, initiate no contact with her, and avoid her. Son in College - just 16.5 yr old daughter and me now.

Last night - yes LAST NIGHT - at 12:45 AM we were awoken by pounding on front door and lots of lights... 4 cop cars, at least 5 cops. "Someone" called 911 saying there was an emergency situation "with abuse" at our house. Bunch of aggressive questions to start. We were effing sleeping. Brief explanation to cops - they check 911 call from # - and yep... guess who. I apologize, they apologize, I apologize again. Fricken sucks. I am positive we all would prefer no contact.
Good lord man! I cant even imagine having to deal with someone that vindictive! Kudos to you for raising your children!
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I just can't understand...

Quote:
Originally Posted by browser View Post
I don't know your backstory so I'm going to speak generally based on countless books, articles and stories I've read of others.

Sometimes when the marriage breaks down, the husband is just so angry (not that the wife is necessarily at fault) that he just lumps the kids and the exwife all together as one big unhappy "mistake" and walks away because it's the path of least pain and resistance. It doesn't make the pain go away it just helps to bury it.

Sometimes, down the line when the anger dissipates dad will start missing his kids and come around looking for them and they can rebuild.

Other times the father just disappears because either he really doesn't care or he gets so busy building his new life (sometimes with more kids) that he just forgets about the old one.
I just now came back to read replies to this. For some reason, I couldn't do it before.

Ex isn't angry that I'm aware of. But, he doesn't share feelings so perhaps he is. He's never been emotionally connected to the kids (or me for that matter). He has almost no contact with the youngest. He chats with our middle on FB but it's never initiated by him. He doesn't call. He'll text them if he's sent an email and they don't reply. He's seen them once since Christmas and pulled the Disneyland Dad crap.

I'm finally starting to get into our new routine, which oddly enough isn't much different than before because he wasn't really involved in anything with us. The only real difference is the kids are much more open and I can be myself (still learning who that is) knowing my every move and word isn't being judged.

The kids are doing well. They are more polite and help out more around the house. Simple things like putting their dishes in the dishwasher after meals is such a nice thing. I insisted on it prior to the split, but ex didn't do is so they often didn't and would roll their eyes at me when I made them come back to do it. They also seemingly have much more respect for me now.
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: I just can't understand...

Prunus, how old are your kids? Is he at least paying his child support?

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I just can't understand...

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Prunus, how old are your kids? Is he at least paying his child support?
They are teens. Yes, he's paying child and spousal support.
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