Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:24 AM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

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Had another custody hearing today. My weekend visits were upped from 4 hours to 8 hours which I guess is good, but the judge seemed to have an over-excessive need for it to be a compromise. (I wanted 10 hours, and my wife wanted 6). It made no difference to the court that the family is completely falling apart otherwise, with my daughter having failing academic marks, running away from home, and a fresh CYS reports. They are still hung up on resolving the issue of whether or not I, the big bad abuser, who had the PFA filed on him, is worthy of time with my kids.

It's completely pathetic. My daughter will have to wind up in serious trouble or dead before anything is done about her situation, yet the system lives in fear that maybe there is an outside chance that I will be that abuser that kills someone. I am so disgusted. Granted I didn't ask for primary custody because of my new job situation, but I think I will once I get settled in. My wife is ruining my children.

I truly believe things will get worse in the home and that eventually there will be no other option for me to take custody. It's just horrible to see this happening to my kids and have no other recourse. I will have to let my wife bottom out and pick up the pieces. It's coming. This is the most painful thing I've ever had to witness.

I also am believing more and more that she doesn't want a divorce. I really think she wants to use this legal process to prove to me that her messed up way of conducting family affairs is how it needs to go down. There have been a lot of conciliatory gestures behind the scenes via my mother that seem to contradict the hardball legal crap. In her twisted mind, I think she feels like she is rescuing the family and trying to get us all "psychologically well", although it's clear to me now who the nut job is.

I'm just feeling so done with this. I brought up the subject of dating before, and I think I'm going to go ahead and do it now. I don't think I'll become sexually active, or develop another serious relationship, but I do need to start to have some fun in my life and get my mind off this crap. Only 2 weeks away from my move for my job. Living with my parents and dealing with this has been horrendous.
Be careful of getting sucked back in. Stay the course and follow through with the divorce you deserve better.

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post #47 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Burnt- Crazy is my working hypothesis as well. I have no choice but to follow through with the divorce now because of that. She needs to have her power taken away from her, because she is completely incapable of using it responsibly. I'm just stuck dealing with a slow process that she got a huge head start on thanks to the PFA and my need to move to work. The kids will suffer for as long as it takes for this to be resolved, and I have no idea what that time frame will be.
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post #48 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:11 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

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Had another custody hearing today. My weekend visits were upped from 4 hours to 8 hours which I guess is good, but the judge seemed to have an over-excessive need for it to be a compromise. (I wanted 10 hours, and my wife wanted 6).
Seems reasonable enough to me. The court split your two requests down the middle.

Next time ask for 20 hours or something of that nature.

8 hours of visitation, only on the weekends is hardly anything. The standard in most states is every other weekend and one evening per week.

You aren't even getting overnights?

Why is your visitation so limited?
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post #49 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 04:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Browser, Yeah, unfortunately I can't go for the whole weekends because I have to travel in from out of state and stay in hotels or with friends. I don't really have the place to put the kids overnight. I had actually wanted 12 hours on Saturday and 8 on Sunday, just because that's all I can manage with the situation. So she's squabbling over a few hours. After the 4 hour visits she has often sent her mother to get the kids and goes off doing God knows what on her own. It's terrible for the kids that they are being manipulated this way.

There will be another hearing in a couple of months to ensure everything is going OK and that I am worthy of the rest of my request. So more money for the lawyers and courts will be generated over this dispute of 4 hours. Meanwhile my daughter is failing school, running away from the house, using the internet dangerously, and has had 2 county child protective cases opened on her, but they don't want to even discuss that. No, I will have to try to establish a new large enough residence (which won't be possible until after a divorce), wait for things to get even worse in the home, and than file another expensive custody case before anything is done. The divorce could take years. She could delay even the initial filing for 2 years in our state. My daughter is at a bad age for this to go on indefinitely.
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post #50 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 04:23 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

It is patently obvious that she wants you away from the kids. Give her a divorce. She's going to screw them up royally and they will be lost to you. You have neither the funds nor the capability to make this right, so therefore, you need to save yourself. This is a fight that you cannot fight, therefore, prepare yourself for the day that she messes it up beyond all recognition.

I'm sad to say this, but I cannot see a scenario where you save your kids. They are lost right now and she is enabling. Her enabling is part and parcel of the rift she is engineering between you and your children.
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post #51 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Taxman, I appreciate your outlook, and I do agree that I need to brace for bad things to happen, but I'm not giving up on my children. First, she isn't being successful in making a rift between me and the kids. They are fine and respectful with me and tell me they look forward to my visits. I've learned through the county workers and my eldest daughter that they do horrible disrespectful things to their mother all the time. I think this all happened when they were old enough to be wise to what is really going on in the marriage. Secondly, I have parents that do have resources to help me fight this and will. They are as committed as I am. Third, as far as the divorce goes, I'm happy to let that happen, but she hasn't filed in 4 months and I don't think it will happen.

I will probably file in May for a few reasons. The custody portion will be over then, My eldest will also be done with her first year of college, and unlike my wife, I do care about how such matters affect my children emotionally. My daughter had to take a medical leave in the fall, and I fear news of the divorce could damage what has been a decent rebound. I don't trust my wife not to tell her.

Over the past year my wife has done several things involving inappropriate information sharing that have had horrible consequences on the emotions of others. The first was telling my children I had lost my job last April without my involvement in the decision. In a week the situation changed and I got a reprieve. She also told my children we were separating without my input a few hours after a fight we had when I left to stay with my parents to cool down. She actually said "I already told the kids" as a reason to not let me back in the house. As I mentioned before, she had me served with the PFA, while I was in the house with the kids when that was avoidable. Since I left, she told my most troubled daughter that she would be changing to cyber homeschooling and how terrible her current school was, before anything was arranged. This predictably led to a refusal by my daughter to attend this school and two weeks of truancy. She also announced our break-up over Facebook, complete with a name change to her first and middle names. She is friends with many of my extended family and my long-time friends, and I would have preferred to handle this news much more delicately.

In short, she is completely crazy, as BURNT KEP mentioned. So I know the family will likely have a difficult time and some serious stuff will go down, but I want them to know that they still have someone who cares. Someone who would drive a long way just to take them out bowling or fishing or whatever. It could make the difference in whether or not they can ever get back up when they reach the bottom. Not to say that I won't work on myself too, but being a parent is way more important than anything else. Luckily my situation isn't quite as bad as others. I know many have been completely alienated from their children by crazy people like this. After this experience, my heart goes out to them so much.
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post #52 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Something is happening. It still isn't clear. Tonight when I called at my assigned time for the kids, my wife answered the phone. She hasn't ever done this for the 4 months this has been going on, and she does have caller ID. I deflected it by asking if I was speaking to my daughter. She identified herself and passed the phone over to the kids. I'm pretty sure this was no accident. Also unprecedented, they missed and did not return the previous call 2 days ago. Today my wife sent a long emotional letter about the kid's problems to my mother, which I did not read, nor do I think I should.

Something is stirring in her. I need to stay strong and not break my boundaries, not just out of legal necessity, but also for my emotional well being. This might be TMI, but I actually noticed that I got aroused when she spoke to me on the phone for that instant. I made it through the phone call with the kids without thinking about it, but when I hung up I sobbed for a half an hour straight. I have never felt ashamed of a sexual impulse like that before. It was almost like I got a quick flash of what certain types of sexual abuse must feel like.

God, what will I do if she tries to hoover me back in? Does anyone have any experience with this sort of situation? I do want to be able to speak to her again for the sake of the kids, but I'm afraid of her and attracted to her all at the same time.

Last edited by mjsquatch; 03-17-2017 at 01:21 AM.
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post #53 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

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I have never felt ashamed of a sexual impulse like that before.
You shouldn't feel ashamed of an uncontrollable event. We all have inappropriate sexual thoughts or urges every single day. We just don't act on them.

If you dig deeper I think you may find your discomfort over feeling aroused should be labelled something else than shame.
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post #54 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:21 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

MJS,

If you stay strong and stay the course, you have no idea what she will do.

You have never stayed strong and stayed the course before.

Have you?

Have you EVER stood up for yourself?

Of course you're attracted to her. For God's sake, you married her.
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post #55 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

She's done the same thing the last 4 phone calls, and I am staying strong. I just asked politely to speak to my children without addressing her. I'm actually feeling pretty good, and getting passed the sexual freak out I had the first time. I suspect more contact is coming from her and I'm growing ready for it. It's amazing how a restraining order against me and a threat of divorce is actually giving me power.

I suspect that she is going through a stage where she is realizing the loss of me and others in my family that actually cared about her sincerely. I don't think she has a lot of that from other places. I really think her intention is to get me to start speaking to her again and providing some of her emotional needs, but on her terms with the restraining order to still lord over me. I met someone in a support group in a similar situation, and the same thing happened to him, but he does talk to his ex. I won't and think that would just give all the power right back to her. Even worse it would put me in serious legal jeopardy.

I'm actually enjoying this turn of events, and feeling my confidence come back. Who knows where it will lead. All I know is that she gets nothing from me until that order is lifted. And if that were to happen, I'd make her wait a month or so until we really talk. Silence speaks so much louder than my anger ever did and is so much more effective.

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post #56 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:27 AM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

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She's done the same thing the last 4 phone calls, and I am staying strong. I just asked politely to speak to my children without addressing her. I'm actually feeling pretty good, and getting passed the sexual freak out I had the first time. I suspect more contact is coming from her and I'm growing ready for it. It's amazing how a restraining order against me and a threat of divorce is actually giving me power.

I suspect that she is going through a stage where she is realizing the loss of me and others in my family that actually cared about her sincerely. I don't think she has a lot of that from other places. I really think her intention is to get me to start speaking to her again and providing some of her emotional needs, but on her terms with the restraining order to still lord over me. I met someone in a support group in a similar situation, and the same thing happened to him, but he does talk to his ex. I won't and think that would just give all the power right back to her. Even worse it would put me in serious legal jeopardy.

I'm actually enjoying this turn of events, and feeling my confidence come back. Who knows where it will lead. All I know is that she gets nothing from me until that order is lifted. And if that were to happen, I'd make her wait a month or so until we really talk. Silence speaks so much louder than my anger ever did and is so much more effective.
As I said before stay the course and don't get sucked back in. Crazy can be controlled by her for times but she can not change without professional help and I doubt that will happen. Work on you and your kids that's all that matters.
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post #57 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 10:59 AM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

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As I said before stay the course and don't get sucked back in. Crazy can be controlled by her for times but she can not change without professional help and I doubt that will happen. Work on you and your kids that's all that matters.
Yep. Even if the order is lifted, keep reminding yourself how HORRIBLE she has been. You dont do the things she has done to someone you really care about. Self preservation at all times!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #58 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 01:59 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

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She's done the same thing the last 4 phone calls, and I am staying strong. I just asked politely to speak to my children without addressing her. I'm actually feeling pretty good, and getting passed the sexual freak out I had the first time. I suspect more contact is coming from her and I'm growing ready for it. It's amazing how a restraining order against me and a threat of divorce is actually giving me power.

I suspect that she is going through a stage where she is realizing the loss of me and others in my family that actually cared about her sincerely. I don't think she has a lot of that from other places. I really think her intention is to get me to start speaking to her again and providing some of her emotional needs, but on her terms with the restraining order to still lord over me. I met someone in a support group in a similar situation, and the same thing happened to him, but he does talk to his ex. I won't and think that would just give all the power right back to her. Even worse it would put me in serious legal jeopardy.

I'm actually enjoying this turn of events, and feeling my confidence come back. Who knows where it will lead. All I know is that she gets nothing from me until that order is lifted. And if that were to happen, I'd make her wait a month or so until we really talk. Silence speaks so much louder than my anger ever did and is so much more effective.
Even after the order is done you can't ever speak to her. Once a spouse plays this card it's like a nuclear option in a relationship. You can never trust her, any disagreement you have with her she can run back and get another which the courts will easily hand out. You risk too much to talk to someone you know already won't listen to you so what's the point, certainly not for the sake of the kids which she clearly won't parent any other way but hers.

I'll bet within a week of you moving for this new job she files and requests full custody and your stuck behind the 8 ball again.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #59 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Yes Burnt, when I said I would consider talking to her a month after the restraining order ends, the first item of business would be an insistance that she gets professional psychiatric help now. Then I'd wait and see. Not much optimism for that.
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post #60 of 90 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 11:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Had my custody visits this weekend. This was the first time they were relatively long (8hrs) and all went well with the kids. We had fun and I was able to keep myself together in front of them, but I'm having so much trouble handling my emotions, both about missing life with them, and about their mother's behavior.

After 4 months of a no contact restraining order, I thought she would calm down and become more civil. She only seems to increase her level of disregard for my feelings (and the kids'). The first day we went through the whole drama of the custody exchange at the gas station, with her mother also coming in a second car to supervise us. A lovely humiliating detail, I hadn't previously mentioned, which I'm sure is not emotionally healthy for the kids. (Her mom coming is not court mandated, but she is there every time). An hour later I call my adult daughter to meet us for lunch, and she asks that I come to the house to pick up and walk the dog. I say I'm not sure if I was allowed to do that, but she insists that her mother is making the request and it is OK. I agree to come by and sit in the car and have the dog brought out by my daughter. I felt OK because the lawyers had previously arranged once before that I pick up my adult daughter this way. I also didn't want to make a scene by refusing this. Everything went OK with the transfer and walk, but what the heck do the kids think of all this madness? They must know at some level that they are just being used to hurt me and falsely show both the courts and her parents how scared she is of me.

The second day, more of the same happened. Her mother comes up to me at the gas station and tells me they are running late because she can't get one of my daughter's moving along. They are 25 minutes late. Later, without being heavily pressed about it, this daughter mentions that my wife didn't wake her up until just after the time we were supposed to do the exchange. My daughter was very clear about knowing what that time was, and said she felt bad about being late. Here's the only thing good about this: She actually blurted this out when we were with her assigned county social workers. Unbelievable! Not only is my wife irresponsible enough to be that late, but she blames it on my daughter. This is so clearly abusive. It actually sounds like my daughter was quite quick in getting ready. I have a follow up meeting with the county workers tomorrow and we will certainly discuss this.

One daughter was 10 minutes late for a religious ed class because of this. The other showed up for a full day out with a pair of boots that were half separated at the sole, although she has other decent footwear. She also sent them without the bathing suits they needed for swimming, which they were looking forward to doing with me. I had my daughter arrange to get the bathing suits, and we did the same awkward exchange at the house we did the first day.

I'm starting to think I need to just get duplicates of everything I need for my kids (bathing suits, shoes, etc.) and keep them with me. My wife clearly has no interest in being cooperative, and this will drive me crazy. The county workers have even mentioned to me that for the sake of our children she should modify the protective order to at least allow email communication to facilitate some of these simple details. Apparently piling more hurt onto me is way more important than exhibiting basic decency for the sake of the kids. The adult daughter is back to college this week, so she won't be there to facilitate the manipulation for a while.

Of course the other manipulative ace she has is still being played. I called up tonight after the visit at my assigned time to say good night to my daughters, and of course she answers again. WTF? She's either completely insane, or the most cruel person I've ever met. All these petty games while my daughters, especially the one, are in serious trouble. It would be one thing if the kids were mostly fine and she were doing this, but they are a complete mess as I mentioned in my previous posts. All of this is not going to end well. I'll need to walk a very fine tightrope to come out of this unscathed and protect my children.
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