Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

I just emailed my lawyer and asked him to initiate divorce proceedings.

I should have done this months, if not years ago. What finally tipped me over the edge is that I think my wife is seeing someone. The reason I suspect is two fold. For one, she has been leaving the kids at home alone. Two Thursdays in a row she has been out when I had my scheduled call (every other time she has answered the phone). Mind you, she is doing this with a behaviorally disturbed child that has run off multiple times before. They are not very old 10-13. To me this smacks of her having a man that she has to rendezvous with and she has no one to ask to watch them. If she was shopping wouldn't she take them with her?

I also saw her Facebook page. I was able to access it with an extra account I have and see what is up there for the general public to see. She is friends with a man in our town that I don't know, and he has no common friends with her. It wouldn't be like her to friend some man unless there was something going on. Every other man on there makes sense in another way (high school, college, spouse of a friend) Nothing specifically incriminating there other than her liking his narcissistic photo updates.

She continues to play the phone games the other nights when she is home, answering and daring me to break contact. I've had it. I'm not paying for this anymore. I'm not playing her psychotic games. It really is over now.


Last edited by mjsquatch; 04-07-2017 at 02:14 AM.
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post #62 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Of course I would add that leaving the kids home alone to screw someone is just the most disgusting part of this. Why does she even want to be their mother? I hope she's read this and she knows what a sadistic worthless human being she is.

Last edited by mjsquatch; 04-07-2017 at 02:11 AM.
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post #63 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:14 AM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

She's had you over a barrel.

Why?

Because you care and she doesn't.

Better stay NC with her as much as possible.

A sliver of hope that she'll change is a dangerous thing.
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post #64 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Very simple and accurate Marc. It really is over now and there is no going back. It's too many bridges to far. If it was just me she hurt it would be one thing, but she has hurt our children so badly. My child is one step away from being institutionalized and she does nothing but think of herself and her power struggles.

Last edited by mjsquatch; 04-07-2017 at 11:09 PM. Reason: it was a bit too harsh
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post #65 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

I also just took the step of separating our finances as much as possible. I separated the credit cards, so she will only have a couple with fairly low limits, and I've asked my lawyer to recommend what I should pay her in support. She makes so little that she'll still be 2000-3000 or so shy of what she needs each month. It's time for her to ask her mommy and daddy for a handout. I'll be giving her enough to cover the house and the car in my name.

It's wake up time all around, for me and for her. I don't even care whether or not she is seeing anyone now. I'm just so relieved to be letting go. Reality is going to start coming hard.
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post #66 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 04:56 AM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Rather than use the angle that she's got a man, look at it more as negligence with the children. You can't prove one, but you can clearly document the other.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #67 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Satya, Yes. I don't think the dating legally matters at this point in my state once you are separated. However the child welfare angle is extremely relevant. Especially if she is leaving the children home alone to make her rendezvous.

I am now realizing how deep my wife's delusions are. She thinks she can make it all work on her 18K a year and maybe a couple of grand a month from me? She thinks she can find a decent man who will walk into her mess, at her age?

I now think that the phone answering hoover maneuver she is employing is just fishing for an ego boost for herself. She thinks it will hurt me more and elevate her status if she knows I'm still pining for her while she's "moving on with her life" with her dating scene. I think she's very afraid that I might not be holding on anymore, and because of the restraining order, she doesn't really know. It's going to be quite the blow to her when those divorce papers come. I'm sure she thought I would try to hold on and not file.

I'm actually really glad now that she got the restraining order and things went down the way they did. Other than the time away from my kids it has actually been positive in many respects. Much better than if I had gotten a separate apartment as she was demanding. She would have just made me subservient and I would have hung on longer and been abused by her more. I really am completely over her now, but I don't think that deep down she is really over me. She has a very difficult time ahead of her. It's sad, but it's what she chose.

For me, I think I'll be fine now. If she keeps the kids and I just visit, I might try to find someone new. However, if the crap really hits the fan, and I have to take over primary custody, I'll probably just focus on that as best I can until they are older. They need more from their parents than they are currently getting.
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post #68 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:37 AM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

The longer she is legally married to you the more it benefits her. It's good that you have started to truly detach and have filed. Well past time. Remember, the kids are old enough that they have a say regarding where they live.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #69 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

MJJEAN. Thanks for the supportive message. I am continuing to fight for full custody, and I think I will ultimately prevail. My STBEX (now that I've filed I will use that term) will not be able to handle this, the evidence is becoming clearer and clearer. Almost everyday there are new bombshells I learn about, mostly just from talking to the kids.

During some of my phone calls, I had picked up on the kids being home alone sometimes. They are 10 and almost 13, but remember that my 13 year old is the emotionally disturbed one. In talking with them during my visit today I found out that their mom has frequently been leaving them home for 2-3 hour stretches in the late afternoon/early evening. There was a toaster fire during one of the these incidents. I know there ages are just about where legal guidelines say you can start to do this, but only if the older child is responsible enough to supervise the younger one. In this case the older one has a history of severe behavioral problems and is herself being supervised by county social workers.

I am already planning to speak with one of the workers tomorrow and will file a child abuse report if possible. I recorded part of the conversation with my cell phone. At the very least I want this to stop. There are other small revelations that are telling. The older one is doing cyber homeschooling on the computer and says her mom is constantly interrupting her to show her stuff on Facebook. This stuff just streams out of the kids' mouths. The parenting was bad when I was there, but it's over the top now. I actually thinks she has less emotional maturity than the kids.

Boy did I name this thread properly.
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post #70 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:31 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

You can't fix the past but you are the kids father. Your weakness and passivity needs to stay in the past.

These things don't just go away or get better.

I hope you've woken up to this.

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post #71 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Marc. I do feel quite awake now, but also very sad. My STBEX does not seem like the woman I married. I know everyone thinks the other party has mental illness problems in a divorce, but I really think it might be pretty significant in this case. She has been delusional about a lot of things in life for a long time, and the delusions are persisting and deepening now. Her treatment of the children during this is further evidence of the problem.

I talked to the social worker for about an hour and she took detailed notes of everything I had to say and seemed very concerned. She agrees that the situation of my wife leaving the children unsupervised is completely unacceptable. They told me to file a report if my intuition told me to do so, but another party recommended it might be better to get a court order prohibiting her from doing this. That way there would be some real teeth to the punishment if it were to happen again, whereas an abuse complaint may or may not go anywhere. Usually those things are just marked as unfounded so long as it isn't too severe and the parent promises not to do it again.

The social workers also have been accompanying me on my visits and actually noted afterward how much better the kids are when they are with me. At home with their mother they are completely disrespectful and won't talk about anything. When they are with me they are laughing and having fun. In my follow up meeting the worker asked a lot of specific questions about the possibility of me seeking custody. Everything she said was carefully worded to not sound biased against my wife, but I suspect they may be pretty squarely in my corner.

I just can't believe that she tried to take the kids away from me while also starting a party lifestyle at the same time. Don't most women usually do one or the other. That is they either go off and have fun and leave their husband with the kids, or they dutifully dedicate themselves to motherhood while they recover from the hurt. You got to hand it to my STBEX. She's trying to do it all!

I think her primary delusion is that she can find a nice fun guy that she can replace me with that will solve all the family problems. She has no insight into the fact that she herself is the main family problem. I could only imagine the chaos that would ensue with my emotionally disturbed daughter if another man was brought into the picture. My daughter already hits and disrespects her. After all my EXs efforts to belittle me, somehow the kids still respect me more than her. Maybe because I act more like a parent.
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post #72 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:48 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Why all the focus on her?
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post #73 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Return- Because she's insane and she is destroying our kids. This is a divorce forum and I'm divorcing her. I've been putting a lot more effort into myself and my children, but I'm not talking about that here. I have a new job that I love. My relationship with the kids is great right now, but I'm not giving all the details.
I am still trying to process this loss. I'm better now because I'm starting to understand the grief is more for the kids and being with them daily than it was for her. But the whole thing is so much worse because the kids are doing so badly with her, It keeps bringing back into the whole thing emotionally. I also do feel bad about the hard stand I'm taking now. It needed to be done and it felt liberating to do it, but there is a backslide into guilt,
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post #74 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:35 AM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

The more focus on her, the less focus on moving forward.

There's only one you.

F. Scott Peck asks us to "bracket" the emotions that disable us.

Just think of it as pushing them aside to focus on another part of your personality.
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post #75 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

The hard stand is definitely paying dividends. I just got a request from her to allow her parents to pay for the house to be painted so that it can be prepared to be sold (it had terrible peeling paint). It sounds like they've told her that they will not support her to live in her current lifestyle (it would require thousands per month, indefinitely).
She is also practically a hoarder, so leaving that house will not be easy for her. However, for the family's sake, I'm so happy to hear this. I really need to get my family out of that house. Whatever the future holds, it is the first step toward sanity.
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