Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:51 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Yep you named this thread pretty darn good!

So far you a doing just about as well as can be expected

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post #77 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Thanks, Chilly. Small messages of support like this do help.
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post #78 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:36 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

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Originally Posted by mjsquatch View Post
The hard stand is definitely paying dividends. I just got a request from her to allow her parents to pay for the house to be painted so that it can be prepared to be sold (it had terrible peeling paint). It sounds like they've told her that they will not support her to live in her current lifestyle (it would require thousands per month, indefinitely).
She is also practically a hoarder, so leaving that house will not be easy for her. However, for the family's sake, I'm so happy to hear this. I really need to get my family out of that house. Whatever the future holds, it is the first step toward sanity.
That's one in a row.

Continue standing tall.

It's liberating.
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post #79 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 09:18 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

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The hard stand is definitely paying dividends. I just got a request from her to allow her parents to pay for the house to be painted so that it can be prepared to be sold (it had terrible peeling paint). It sounds like they've told her that they will not support her to live in her current lifestyle (it would require thousands per month, indefinitely).
She is also practically a hoarder, so leaving that house will not be easy for her. However, for the family's sake, I'm so happy to hear this. I really need to get my family out of that house. Whatever the future holds, it is the first step toward sanity.
Have any of the family services people made comments about the hoarding or potential hoarding your stbx is doing. This could help you in regards to custody.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #80 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 01:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

honcho- With regards to the hoarding, it's hard to say. I haven't seen the inside of the house for months now, so I really don't know if she's been good or bad about that lately. She can be functional with that when she wants to be, but usually at least a few rooms are pretty bad. Especially the kitchen and dining room. Might be good to ask the social workers how that is right now,

The house and property has a lot of storage space, which is full of tons and tons of useless stuff. I also had a lot of tools from all the work I did in the house. That's one of the real ironies here. I pretty much rebuilt that house and she has appropriated it for herself. It really was a shameless move and its hard to imagine that she can't have some guilt about it.

Anyway, because the hoarding is one of her key issues, my plan is to do absolutely nothing about cleaning out the house. I already have my necessities, and that is it. She can deal with all the rest of it. She can have a giant garage sale, box it up, throw it all out, whatever. I know as a hoarder she will hate doing all of those things herself, but she will have to. Every time we moved in the past I did 99% of the work. Not this time. I also don't want to suffer the indignity of having law enforcement trail me around while I retrieve my things. It isn't worth it to me. Knowing she has to deal with it is worth more than the combined value of all that stuff.

So that further explains why I was so happy about the talk of selling the house. The issue really is important for accountability sake. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but she had friend who did the same PFA thing to her husband. She managed to find a new guy and keep the house and all, despite similarly having almost no income. I think that my ex developed a delusion that she was living the same life as her friend and could pull off the same thing. Of course there are many differences in the situation that my irrational ex would never see. First, he actually really was pretty controlling and abusive unlike me (this friend actually confided to me that she told my ex to stop comparing the situations). Secondly, their house was nearly paid off and they had additional financial assets. We have about enough equity to pay our credit cards off. Also this woman was close to 30 while my wife is 45 and well past her prime. There are of course also the severe behavior problems with the children. It's all a big delusion.
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post #81 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Tonight's phone call to the kids was full of lots of passive aggressive action. The ex answered herself, as is now her habit, and put the phone on speaker as she hands it to my younger daughter (I can hear the echo). A few seconds later there is loud laughing in the background as my ex is talking to her brother on another line or Skype or something. When my older daughter gets the phone she takes it off speaker and tells me this. Later the dog starts barking in the background and I hear the ex scream about her frustration that she can't take the dog out and leave my daughter unsupervised.

I think she is really pissed about the strong actions I took last week. It feels so good not to be afraid of her anger anymore when I call her on her BS. Knowing her I don't think I'll ever get a direct confrontation, so this is definitely worth gloating over. It'll be interesting to see what happens when the divorce papers hit. I really wonder if she'll accept them or make me wait 2 years as she can in my state. Even if she does agree to it, I still think it will be a long divorce, because she'll probably fight about everything and be generally difficult.
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post #82 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:05 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

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Originally Posted by mjsquatch View Post
Tonight's phone call to the kids was full of lots of passive aggressive action. The ex answered herself, as is now her habit, and put the phone on speaker as she hands it to my younger daughter (I can hear the echo). A few seconds later there is loud laughing in the background as my ex is talking to her brother on another line or Skype or something. When my older daughter gets the phone she takes it off speaker and tells me this. Later the dog starts barking in the background and I hear the ex scream about her frustration that she can't take the dog out and leave my daughter unsupervised.

I think she is really pissed about the strong actions I took last week. It feels so good not to be afraid of her anger anymore when I call her on her BS. Knowing her I don't think I'll ever get a direct confrontation, so this is definitely worth gloating over. It'll be interesting to see what happens when the divorce papers hit. I really wonder if she'll accept them or make me wait 2 years as she can in my state. Even if she does agree to it, I still think it will be a long divorce, because she'll probably fight about everything and be generally difficult.
To be honest it sounds as if you need to try and get the dog as well. Clearly not being walked or looked after properly.
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post #83 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 06:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Diana-Don't know about that. To be honest I couldn't take care of her either. Last time I saw her I did notice she had gotten horribly fat. We took her for a modest walk during one of my visits, and my oldest daughter said she was completely tired out for the day. She really should get adopted by someone else at this point.
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post #84 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

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Diana-Don't know about that. To be honest I couldn't take care of her either. Last time I saw her I did notice she had gotten horribly fat. We took her for a modest walk during one of my visits, and my oldest daughter said she was completely tired out for the day. She really should get adopted by someone else at this point.
She needs to be with someone who will at least bother to take her for a walk each day.
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post #85 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Another good thing has happened. My mom, who has been relaying messages between us, because of the PFA, is starting to get fed up with her in a major way. She had been trying to stay friendly for the sake of the kids, but she is now experiencing what I have for years and is outraged by it. My mom dropped the children off with my ex after Easter and had gotten the children milkshakes. The ex criticized my mom for all the sugar, but then my daughter pipes up "but mom you just took us for milkshakes last week!" My mom is also getting sick of the ridiculous pfa being applied at full tilt now for months and getting roped into it. She had to bounce back and forth several questions about our tax returns, etc. It can't all be done by the lawyers, because sometimes they act to slow, and using them for every last thing would be astronomically expensive. I don't even live in the same state anymore, the full no contact PFA is just being used to humiliate me.
I think my Mom might be finally working up to telling my ex off. It would be huge, because she's always been deferential to the utmost. Although supportive of me, she has not really seen clearly the monster that my ex is until now. My mom kept telling me that the behaviors were not as bad as they seem and also counseling me not to be strong for fear of her retaliations. Its pretty simple and bald-face. She drove me crazy with her narcissistic delusions, and then kicked me out of the house that I've paid for and renovated with my own sweat and blood, and now has topped it off by emotionally abusing and neglecting my children while she lives it up.
I can see where this is all going now. There will be a new guy emerging out of the woodwork shortly. My middle daughter will freak out and have a major incident (run away or do something violent). I'll probably get custody as a result. My ex will go on to have a series of bad relationships, and I'll raise my kids as a single dad until they are done growing up. I think I'll be fine with that, but there is still a lot of pain ahead for all of us.

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post #86 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 10:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Now the crazy is really starting to come out. I had my visit today with my kids. They live in a relatively small town and I've been taking them a lot to a grocery store that has a large cafe. It's a good indoor spot where we can sit and play board games for as long as we wish. Because I don't have a home when I visit, frequenting this place is almost a necessity for me.

Anyway, guess who shows up at the cafe today? The ex of course! There is no way that wasn't an accident. I'm sure the kids have told her what we do and where we typically go. Anyway, we had finished lunch and were just talking. I see the ex at the other side of the store as I am throwing away the trash and I get nervous. I'm hoping that she is just shopping and goes away. I return to the kids and she just waltzes by and sits a couple of tables away from us.

I immediately have to tell the kids its time to go. they look awkwardly at their mother but no words are exchanged by anyone. When we leave I hug my kids and tell them I'm sorry things are that way, but that I'm not allowed to be there. I really didn't know what else to say. We get in the car and she calls my daughter on her court mandated cellphone and asks her where we are and what we are doing.

At this point I'm shaking with fear and feeling so bad for my kids that they have to go through this. I just drove off and decided to go over to the next town an hour away and see an attraction we had never been to before. I just stayed there the whole day. We sat and played cards in the food court of the local mall.

I don't think I can prove that this is stalking. I'm sure this has something to do with the pressure I've put on her recently and that she is upping the ante. She has no shame about what she is putting the kids through with her behavior. I'm also wondering if she may have deliberately tracked us down. Could she possibly have hacked my location through my cell phone? Maybe she has a spy at this grocery store?

I'm beyond even trying to think about what is going through her head. It's just pure madness. She's getting everything she wanted, the house, the kids, my humiliation with the restraining order, and a divorce, but it isn't enough. I just signed the divorce petition and put it in the mail before the visit. What is going to happen when she is served with that? I'm scared of what this might escalate too. Anyone have any tips for things to do to protect myself?

Last edited by mjsquatch; 04-22-2017 at 10:52 PM.
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post #87 of 90 (permalink) Old 04-29-2017, 04:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

Denial is the name of the game! The financial action I took a few weeks ago really pushed a button, and I think the crap is hitting the fan. She has not responded to two letters from my lawyer during that time requesting that the mortgage, car payment, and a couple of other joint bills be forwarded to me so I can pay them from my own account. It is more than the recommended spousal and child support. It's now close to the first of the month and I have no idea what she is doing with the bills. I had my mail forwarded, but I'm not sure if everything will reach me, especially if both of our names are on it. Some of it may be paperless too. I have no idea. She just doesn't want to face this. It's unbelievable. I think ignoring letters from my lawyer about this might get her in some hot water legally.

She also learned about the divorce filing. She hasn't quite been served, but it is imminent and her lawyer spilled the beans (my lawyer told me). I've had two phone calls with the kids since then. She answered both times. I can tell she wants to talk to me but can't bring herself to do it. The first time she sighed and with a real kind voice said "high there, how ya doin" the second time she just sounded really sad. I stayed strong and just asked to speak to the kids. This time I can't be the one to reach out to her as it always has been in the past. If she wants to speak, she has to go to the court and remove that protective order, I just won't do it under this duress.

She is still going out almost every night. The kids tell me so. At least there grandmother is watching them now, or at least I'm being told that. The denial is really, really deep. Any rational person in her position would be having the mother of all garage sales, renting a dumpster, and doing everything else you'd need to get out of that house. Perhaps her parents have told her they are going to buy it for her, who knows.

One of three things is going to happen. 1) She plays hardball in the divorce, thinking she'll be able to get more out of me because of the "abuse", 2) She takes advantage of the 2 year delay period possible in my state, or 3) she finds a reason to try to reconcile with me. I honestly don't know which of the three it will be. Maybe it will wind up being #2. #1 isn't going to happen, because I've been a model citizen with respect to the PFA, while she's shown herself on multiple occasions as trying to bait me to break it. I also have several counselors and social workers who have told me they would testify if needed on my behalf that I am not an "abuser". #3 will not work either, because I've had it and I'm not going back. My list of demands for that would be so stringent that she could never bring herself to comply. They would be that the home is sold and our debts are paid with the equity, and we never buy a house again. She would have to get a real job outside of the home. She would also have to undergo rigorous psychiatric evaluation and take the advice of the professionals involved. Our finances would also stay separated indefinitely. (There's more, that's just the beginning). So anyway, she'll probably just choose the route that allows her to deny and procrastinate.
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post #88 of 90 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 11:05 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

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Now the crazy is really starting to come out. I had my visit today with my kids. They live in a relatively small town and I've been taking them a lot to a grocery store that has a large cafe. It's a good indoor spot where we can sit and play board games for as long as we wish. Because I don't have a home when I visit, frequenting this place is almost a necessity for me.

Anyway, guess who shows up at the cafe today? The ex of course! There is no way that wasn't an accident. I'm sure the kids have told her what we do and where we typically go. Anyway, we had finished lunch and were just talking. I see the ex at the other side of the store as I am throwing away the trash and I get nervous. I'm hoping that she is just shopping and goes away. I return to the kids and she just waltzes by and sits a couple of tables away from us.

I immediately have to tell the kids its time to go. they look awkwardly at their mother but no words are exchanged by anyone. When we leave I hug my kids and tell them I'm sorry things are that way, but that I'm not allowed to be there. I really didn't know what else to say. We get in the car and she calls my daughter on her court mandated cellphone and asks her where we are and what we are doing.

At this point I'm shaking with fear and feeling so bad for my kids that they have to go through this. I just drove off and decided to go over to the next town an hour away and see an attraction we had never been to before. I just stayed there the whole day. We sat and played cards in the food court of the local mall.

I don't think I can prove that this is stalking. I'm sure this has something to do with the pressure I've put on her recently and that she is upping the ante. She has no shame about what she is putting the kids through with her behavior. I'm also wondering if she may have deliberately tracked us down. Could she possibly have hacked my location through my cell phone? Maybe she has a spy at this grocery store?

I'm beyond even trying to think about what is going through her head. It's just pure madness. She's getting everything she wanted, the house, the kids, my humiliation with the restraining order, and a divorce, but it isn't enough. I just signed the divorce petition and put it in the mail before the visit. What is going to happen when she is served with that? I'm scared of what this might escalate too. Anyone have any tips for things to do to protect myself?
QUIT HAVING A ROUTINE

EMBRACE THE SUCK

This is now a shell game. Take them a different place every time - and laugh to yourself about how absolutely crazy she is going trying to track you down.

CONQUER YOUR FEAR.

You have spent far too many years of your life being afraid of her reactions.

Time to break up that game for good.
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post #89 of 90 (permalink) Old 05-03-2017, 11:09 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

I speak of my safe man often. My safe man gave me many pearls of wisdom.

One of them was this.

You are in a power struggle. Guess what? To win your life, you must win this struggle.

You didn't choose it. But, freedom beckons.

Claim it.

Let the chips fall where they may.
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post #90 of 90 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 07:12 PM
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Re: Family fell apart, but no end to drama in sight

So how's it going mjsquatch hope things are looking up.
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