ok so this is my story, most will think im a horrible person. I fell in love with a girl when I was 18 we dated for almost a year and when her parents found out they forbid her from seeing me and had a restraining order against me. I was a few years older than her nothing sexual ever happened between us, anyways she ends up moving away to another state and we keep in contact over the years, I still had my feelings for her, anyways one day she sends me a message telling me that shes getting married but that she will always love me. I tell her that im happy for her even though im not, i wanted to stop her but i figured if she was ready to marry someone, who was i to stop her ruin something good she had.
i had been dating this girl who would become my wife one day and she was always ok to be around, never fireworks but i was comfortable around her, never really happy though, i guess i settled thinking that i would never be able to have those kinds of feelings again. As the years go on we have this fight every few months were she says she knows im not happy and there must be someone else, we were never really intimate and i dont like her touching me for the most part, and i tried telling her how i really felt but the words just wouldnt come out, i didnt want to hurt her and i felt obligated to stay with her and her child.
anyways a few years have gone by still with the same arguments only now we have a child between us as well, and its really been like i have just been going along trying to make her happy by being more intimate with her and having more sex but it still doesnt make me happy. then a few months ago the girlfriend from years ago tells me that shes getting divorced and i tell her shes going to find someone that will make her happy and love her and her kids. a few more months go by and we talk some more and i just end up telling her everything how much i still love her and i regret not stopping her and she tells me the same. i end up leaving my wife and moving in with family because there is still the house and everything else to take care of before i would be able to move to where she is, i was ready to leave behind everything to have that happiness i have always wanted. well that didnt work out after a month she tells me she just doesn't feel the same way about me as i feel for her.
that was 6 months ago and i am still living apart from my family but i dont want to give up on finding that happiness, i love my child but is it so wrong to want to have that? my wife is a good woman, shes what a lot of men would like but i want more than to just feel like im living with a roommate who im just trying to make happy when im not, i know marriage is about sacrifice but it should also bring yourself happiness. i have been seeing a therapist and they think im just finally doing something for myself and that i shouldn't feel bad, my wife still wants to work on things thinking that it can be greater that ever but i just dont see how, when i never have been really happy.
i feel guilty but i still dont want to go back, when i told my wife all these things it was like i giant weight had been lifted
so that is my story