Separation is fresh, confusion is not. HELP! - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 08:20 AM
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Re: Separation is fresh, confusion is not. HELP!

@ems1221, it is good that you take responsibility for your actions and bad behavior (passive aggressive). You're going to counseling to make yourself a better person. Good for you.

So, my question is.....what is HE going to do to better himself and the marriage? It sounds like he blamed you for his bad behavior and took no responsibility for his actions. Why does he want to wait a month before dating? Is this some kind of free pass for him?

Remember, we show our best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. It takes a while before we are comfortable enough to be who we really are and it's not always good behavior. You need to find out what's really going on here. There is something not right with this. He is still controlling you.

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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 05:31 PM
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Re: Separation is fresh, confusion is not. HELP!

HI there, i've read your thread and can relate to the part where you beat yourself up for being unpleasant to come home to, or maybe not trying enough etc. But I will say this, from what you say, I'd say he's playing you hard. If you return to him without any change on his part you are proving to him that you have no boundaries or bottom lines. You're willing to flip on a dime because he says he will do this and that. It sounds like he has some serious problems and maybe you do too, don't we all? Marriage is hard. It's hard to communicate our needs to the other person and to ask for what we need and want. So much easier (in the short term) to concede and say yes than to say no and live through drama.

I'd say if you are going back on the promise that he will seek counselling, and go to AA then you need to write something out and agree to a time line. Why? Because I told my H 4 years ago that he had a year before I would leave for good. After a year, I said "year's up" and he said "I didn't think you really meant 1 year". So here I am 4 years later and there's lots more to the story, family emergencies etc which have delayed all of this, but to be honest nothing much has changed now 4 years later. So I'm back in counselling to get the courage to leave. He's not planning on doing anything. What people want to do and what they actually do are 2 different things. I'd love to be a rock climber and it's sure exciting to think about being a rock climber and if I had a few glasses of wine I'd tell you I want to go rock climbing, will I do it for real? NO. Sometimes we delude ourselves into thinking we'll do something we will simply not do. Only actions can prove anything.

So... I agree with others who say if your ultimatum is he gets help, then don't go back till he gets help and has done so consistently for a period of time. My H said he'd go for counselling then 6 months later, had gone 3 times. WE have very different ideas about what it means to "get help". As a result I've been living in this ambivalent marriage for many too many years and now I'm done. FINALLY.

Sometimes the biggest gift we can give someone is to let them go because then they have to face their demons. You can ALWAYS get back together with him if things improve, you don't have to get divorced. You can just separate for a year and see where you are at in a year. Especially if you don't have kids.
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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 12:15 PM
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Re: Separation is fresh, confusion is not. HELP!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keenwa View Post
HI there, i've read your thread and can relate to the part where you beat yourself up for being unpleasant to come home to, or maybe not trying enough etc. But I will say this, from what you say, I'd say he's playing you hard. If you return to him without any change on his part you are proving to him that you have no boundaries or bottom lines. You're willing to flip on a dime because he says he will do this and that. It sounds like he has some serious problems and maybe you do too, don't we all? Marriage is hard. It's hard to communicate our needs to the other person and to ask for what we need and want. So much easier (in the short term) to concede and say yes than to say no and live through drama.

I'd say if you are going back on the promise that he will seek counselling, and go to AA then you need to write something out and agree to a time line. Why? Because I told my H 4 years ago that he had a year before I would leave for good. After a year, I said "year's up" and he said "I didn't think you really meant 1 year". So here I am 4 years later and there's lots more to the story, family emergencies etc which have delayed all of this, but to be honest nothing much has changed now 4 years later. So I'm back in counselling to get the courage to leave. He's not planning on doing anything. What people want to do and what they actually do are 2 different things. I'd love to be a rock climber and it's sure exciting to think about being a rock climber and if I had a few glasses of wine I'd tell you I want to go rock climbing, will I do it for real? NO. Sometimes we delude ourselves into thinking we'll do something we will simply not do. Only actions can prove anything.

So... I agree with others who say if your ultimatum is he gets help, then don't go back till he gets help and has done so consistently for a period of time. My H said he'd go for counselling then 6 months later, had gone 3 times. WE have very different ideas about what it means to "get help". As a result I've been living in this ambivalent marriage for many too many years and now I'm done. FINALLY.

Sometimes the biggest gift we can give someone is to let them go because then they have to face their demons. You can ALWAYS get back together with him if things improve, you don't have to get divorced. You can just separate for a year and see where you are at in a year. Especially if you don't have kids.
WISE, WISE words here!

Keenwa, I hope you get out of your situation soon.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:39 PM
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Re: Separation is fresh, confusion is not. HELP!

I walked this route for 27 years...same story, same excuses, words and no action.....nothing ever changed and with time we became more and more distant. Eventually trust was gone, we were living separate lives under the same roof. I happened to see the history on his computer....he wasn't coming to me but he sure was looking elsewhere. I finally told him I was done and unless he sought help for his issues I would leave. He never sought help. I have been on my own for over 6 months now. As I reflect I can say I stayed too long in something that was never going to work out. Don't waste your time. He has his own agenda and he wants to live as he does. Hooter's is no big deal if your partner is showing he cares about you but when that is what he seeks instead of you then it is an issue!!!
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