Re: Separation is fresh, confusion is not. HELP!
HI there, i've read your thread and can relate to the part where you beat yourself up for being unpleasant to come home to, or maybe not trying enough etc. But I will say this, from what you say, I'd say he's playing you hard. If you return to him without any change on his part you are proving to him that you have no boundaries or bottom lines. You're willing to flip on a dime because he says he will do this and that. It sounds like he has some serious problems and maybe you do too, don't we all? Marriage is hard. It's hard to communicate our needs to the other person and to ask for what we need and want. So much easier (in the short term) to concede and say yes than to say no and live through drama.
I'd say if you are going back on the promise that he will seek counselling, and go to AA then you need to write something out and agree to a time line. Why? Because I told my H 4 years ago that he had a year before I would leave for good. After a year, I said "year's up" and he said "I didn't think you really meant 1 year". So here I am 4 years later and there's lots more to the story, family emergencies etc which have delayed all of this, but to be honest nothing much has changed now 4 years later. So I'm back in counselling to get the courage to leave. He's not planning on doing anything. What people want to do and what they actually do are 2 different things. I'd love to be a rock climber and it's sure exciting to think about being a rock climber and if I had a few glasses of wine I'd tell you I want to go rock climbing, will I do it for real? NO. Sometimes we delude ourselves into thinking we'll do something we will simply not do. Only actions can prove anything.
So... I agree with others who say if your ultimatum is he gets help, then don't go back till he gets help and has done so consistently for a period of time. My H said he'd go for counselling then 6 months later, had gone 3 times. WE have very different ideas about what it means to "get help". As a result I've been living in this ambivalent marriage for many too many years and now I'm done. FINALLY.
Sometimes the biggest gift we can give someone is to let them go because then they have to face their demons. You can ALWAYS get back together with him if things improve, you don't have to get divorced. You can just separate for a year and see where you are at in a year. Especially if you don't have kids.