On Jan 30, my husband and I got into another ugly fight. He had been drinking at the golf course and was visibly belligerent.
My phone was on silent and I had no idea where it was, so I asked to use his phone to make sure I hadn't lost it elsewhere (I had searched every nook and cranny in our home). He obliged and I unlocked the phone to find anal porn. I think masturbation is a healthy outlet and have no problem with it. The problem I had is that A) our love life has devolved to me begging for it and finally getting it once a month, and B) he has always claimed that that stuff (anal) disgusts him. I felt like our intimacy had been replaced by something he doesn't even enjoy and it hurt immensely. Of course, he was defensive--either out of embarrassment, or anger--and we had our worst fight ever. Things were said by him that cannot just be swept under the rug. I have separated from him physically, I guess to show him what life is like without me around.
Given the circumstances: his increased drinking, increased time away from home, increased agitation towards me, and general increasing lack of respect (he lately frequents Hooters with coworkers and comes home very late sometimes), I had had it. I packed a suitcase and headed to my parents' house. Sleeping in another room and talking about it later has not seemed to work--no consequences, no desire to change. I told him I would come home only after he talks to someone about his drinking, his admitted depression and anger due to a simply awful period of childhood abuse and trauma, and his commitment to the marriage. I'm tired of nagging a grown man to treat me with at least the same decency as his dogs.
He has since told me that he wants to get help, but can't find the time. He has said "being apart has made me realize how much I love you and don't want to lose you. Even when I go to the grocery store, I wish you were there with me. I see you and think of you everywhere I go. I will get help, I just need time." When I went to get more of my things, I tried to explain how to make a certain dish that he likes that is easy, but he said "I will just wait until you make it and we have it together." In person, he seems distraught and loving and remorseful. As soon as I left though, I hear nothing from him. He goes to work, goes to the gym, goes to the sporting goods store, googles golf clubs, pays the bills, talks to his brother on the phone...he isn't calling a therapist. He isn't looking into AA. He seems to be "life as usual". It's making me feel completely unloved and forgotten, like our marriage isn't important to him. Like he thinks I'll just get bored and come home with my tail between my legs. Of course I'm no psychic, but it just seems like he is being stagnant. I am ripped in two, with one half feeling more and more inclined to file for divorce from a man that doesn't know I exist and moving on in life, and the other half reeling in despair and checking my phone every half hour.
He insists that I continue to use the bank card and he refuses to sign anything I have drafted up--paperwork that would PROTECT HIM in the event of a divorce, saying I will not pursue spousal support and I will sign a quit claim to the deed. He says to just give it time. But I don't understand why he is sorting out HIS feelings? Why is there no action? Why is he content to just carry on as if nothing has happened?
I'm so confused and it breaks my heart to think I mean nothing to him. I sent a message to him yesterday asking when he is going to call a counselor. He responded "why are you acting like this?"
I broke down and told him that my heart is broken and that I wish he would call and tell me that he loves me and misses me and is going to do whatever it takes to never lash out at me to that extent again. After no response, I meekly told him I had to go "no contact" because it hurts too much to share my heart and be met with mundane normalcy and inactivity. He has not responded since.
My rational brain says give it time, he isn't actively seeking divorce, he has said he will do what it takes, and in fact he is respecting your wishes in not speaking to you.
But my heart SCREAMS it's over, he doesn't really love me and want to be with me, and I am only prolonging the inevitable.
Please offer your two cents, your criticism, your words of encouragement. Anything. I can't get in to see my own therapist until next Thursday (but at least I made the appointment! Ahhh, this is exactly what I mean.), and in the meantime, I am driving myself crazy.
I agree with the other poster who said the hanging out with co-workers at Hooters and coming home very late is more troubling. The anal porn is obviously a problem too if it hurt you, but the other behavior indicates there might be another woman or that he's actively trying to make that happen. It seems that from your post you have access to his phone records; any suspicious numbers?
My advice would be to detach from him and your expectations about how he should respond. It's totally understandable that you'd want certain things from him at this point (It's only been 9 days since the fight), but it's way too early to expect a change. Even if he had called a therapist, seen him or her, gone to AA and all that, it wouldn't matter at this point. He will need time to prove to you that he can change his pattern of behavior. If you rushed back together now he wouldn't be ready to make a long term commitment to that change.
It is disheartening that he hasn't taken steps to do that yet. Why does he feel like he doesn't have the time for it? You can almost always find a therapist that offers late hours or weekends and his work would probably understand if he was able to be honest about your situation.
Back to detaching, just try to start doing things you enjoy and work toward freeing yourself of worrying about him. It's hard, really hard. I'm 5 months post separation and in the middle of a divorce and I'm still very much struggling, but it has gotten easier over time by focusing on me.
How long has your love life been devolving into you begging for it and receiving it once a month? Has it been months? Years? Is there any trigger or coinciding behavior (he started dressing nicer, going to the gym more, getting a haircut etc.) that might indicate a third party?
It's painful stuff to think about but I'm willing to bet you'll be able to find something if you retrace the past a bit.
Really sorry you're going through this. Hopefully we can all help you out.