I don't know what I am more angry at, for making a pass or for him rejecting me. I could put it down to a moment of weakness, I've been ill the last couple of days and wanted a bit of affection & comfort. Although why I thought I'd get it from him, when there has been precious little of it in recent years I'll never know.
He has used sex and his affection as a control for such a long time, withholding both until I felt so insecure and unloveable that when he did offer me a morsel I was so grateful I took whatever was on offer, no matter how I felt afterwards. I know now it is a power trip for him. Which is why he treats his mistress the same way. Makes him feel like a big man. He'll be feeling very good about himself today no doubt. It's made me remember just how miserable he can make me feel & he gets off on it.
Maybe it was a mistake, but it made me remember just why I am going through this crap & why I will be so much better off without him.
I think I might just hate him.. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't know what I am more angry at, for making a pass or for him rejecting me. I could put it down to a moment of weakness, I've been ill the last couple of days and wanted a bit of affection & comfort. Although why I thought I'd get it from him, when there has been precious little of it in recent years I'll never know.
He has used sex and his affection as a control for such a long time, withholding both until I felt so insecure and unloveable that when he did offer me a morsel I was so grateful I took whatever was on offer, no matter how I felt afterwards. I know now it is a power trip for him. Which is why he treats his mistress the same way. Makes him feel like a big man. He'll be feeling very good about himself today no doubt. It's made me remember just how miserable he can make me feel & he gets off on it.
Maybe it was a mistake, but it made me remember just why I am going through this crap & why I will be so much better off without him.
I think I might just hate him.. Posted via Mobile Device
Loving yourself is more important than anything he does - or does not do.
Unfortunately that's much easier said than done for me... Posted via Mobile Device
I think a lot of us here have that same problem, 40. Something my therapist suggested has helped a lot. Think of yourself and what you're going through in the third person. Visualize someone else going through it, in other words. Would you judge that person as harshly as you judge yourself? Probably not. Would you feel empathy for that person? Probably so. Allow yourself to feel those feelings really deeply, then mentally merge that other person back into you. It makes it much harder to judge yourself. Once you start feeling compassion, it is easier to love yourself, too.
I think a lot of us here have that same problem, 40. Something my therapist suggested has helped a lot. Think of yourself and what you're going through in the third person. Visualize someone else going through it, in other words. Would you judge that person as harshly as you judge yourself? Probably not. Would you feel empathy for that person? Probably so. Allow yourself to feel those feelings really deeply, then mentally merge that other person back into you. It makes it much harder to judge yourself. Once you start feeling compassion, it is easier to love yourself, too.
The house is still on the market, he is still here.... It's my wedding anniversary on 21st May, 18years and I'm feeling really disappointed and annoyed about how it's turned out. I guess there is still a tiny part of me wishing for a R, although in reality I know it's not going to happen. Work is really stressful, so there is no escape from this crap. My STBXH has told me he is going to have tests for prostate cancer next week!! What am I supposed to do about that?
I'm starting to show physical symptoms of stress again, I'm sat outside work now, waiting for my staff to turn up and I could easily cry or lose it completely.
I know compared to some of you guys on here, I have it easy. But I feel like I am drowning. Posted via Mobile Device
There is no 'easy' at times like these, 40. It sounds to me like you're going through an awful lot, so don't be hard on yourself. And your body is a good indicator -- it's showing signs for a reason. Our 15th dating anniversary is on Sunday -- we celebrated it even last year during separation, so this will be the first time not celebrating it. He's with someone else, so no hope of R here. It really sucks. I don't know how I'll get through it. I can't get plastered because DS is with me (STBXH gets to be with his new GF on our anniversary -- I need to have a good talk with Karma on this one!)
Are you getting any bites on your house? They're saying on the news that things are starting to pick up just a little in our housing market. Hopefully with the end of the school year, people will be more likely to want to move and you'll get some interest.
It will get better. Just remember that, and take lots of deep breaths. I try mindfulness/meditation exercises (when I remember to, LOL - still working on making it more natural), and they really can help with lowering the stress.
The house is still on the market, he is still here.... It's my wedding anniversary on 21st May, 18years and I'm feeling really disappointed and annoyed about how it's turned out. I guess there is still a tiny part of me wishing for a R, although in reality I know it's not going to happen. Work is really stressful, so there is no escape from this crap. My STBXH has told me he is going to have tests for prostate cancer next week!! What am I supposed to do about that?
I'm starting to show physical symptoms of stress again, I'm sat outside work now, waiting for my staff to turn up and I could easily cry or lose it completely.
I know compared to some of you guys on here, I have it easy. But I feel like I am drowning. Posted via Mobile Device
I know some have it harder than others but that does not discredit how you are feeling.
Changes after so long together are tough to accept. I wish i had words of wisdom on how to handle the stress but in all honesty I'm trying to figure it out too.
I can offer an ear and a hug and prayers for you. I hope today brings you strength again. Posted via Mobile Device
Our 15th dating anniversary is on Sunday -- we celebrated it even last year during separation, so this will be the first time not celebrating it. He's with someone else, so no hope of R here. It really sucks. I don't know how I'll get through it. I can't get plastered because DS is with me (STBXH gets to be with his new GF on our anniversary -- I need to have a good talk with Karma on this one!)
((hugs))
No hope of R here either - I have no idea if he is still with his mistress. But no reason to believe he isn't. Doesn't matter anyway, he's f**ked up for the last time, this is the 5th time he's put me through this crap (with the same woman) and I'm not doing it again.
Although I can feel myself being sucked back in. I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible for my DD. He's acting as if nothing is wrong and refusing to discuss anything about the divorce with me. I'm tired & low & I play along just for a quiet life. But I'm screaming inside.
i just feel like I can't move on until we are in seperate houses. We haven't had a sniff really on the house, 3 viewings in a month - all like it but ... well you get the idea.
I'm just stressed from this week, work has left me feeling more exhaused than normal & I'm having a relapse. I'll have a small tonight as he's on nights so I an have some time to myself & try & get my game face back on
It's funny, my STBXW has started texting me again after not doing so for more than a month, and I cannot figure out why. Most of the texts are just jabber about meaningless things. Makes me worry she may be trying to get to me again. Maybe she has gotten cold feet about ending the marriage.
It's funny, my STBXW has started texting me again after not doing so for more than a month, and I cannot figure out why. Most of the texts are just jabber about meaningless things. Makes me worry she may be trying to get to me again. Maybe she has gotten cold feet about ending the marriage.
I hate this back and forth crap.
I know... I just want to scream at him "you made your choice, when you chose to work on a relationship with her rather than our marriage "
I mean if he had put half as much effort into us, that he has put in to living a doulbe life we would have been unbreakable..
Now I've had enough, he's not sure what he wants..
Well it sure as hell isn't me!
I'm not going to try & fix it anymore, especially as I never broke it. Its time for me to start a new and build a better life for me & my dd x Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Where to begin.... 
tonight as he's on nights so I an have some time to myself & try & get my game face back on 
