How can I avoid being a doormat? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 48Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 10:48 PM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7,883
Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Stop trying to push a rope.

Say this simple statement:

"Wife, you have indicated you wanted to move on. So from this point forward, I will be focusing on me, and working hard on granting what you want."

Then focus on you. Do not initiate dialogue with her. Do not show her affection. Go do hobbies at night. See her the least amount possible. Do not tell her what you are doing.

When she pesters you about the relationship, shake your head and say:

"Discussing how to improve a relationship is for people who both want to be in a relationship, which is exactly what you said you didn't want."

Then go about your business.

In other words, you are working on detaching and becoming your own man again until she commits to working on the marriage and not chatting with other men online.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 11:21 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,165
Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by itsmeurbrotherinlaw View Post
Thanks for the replys. No kids, she works, new state. I have started the 180, but I'm afraid there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb. Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?
Tell her that, while you want to reconcile, you won't be waiting around for her to come around.

Start taking action and she'll respond.

Or she won't... which is actually a valid response as well.

You need to stop making / not making decisions with your preferred outcome in mind and -- based on her behavior -- instead make the decisions that need to be made and do what needs to be done.

Bottom line -- she's not conducting herself in a manner befitting a loyal spouse, so you remove her from that position.

If she comes around and mentions that she's open to reconciliation, make it very clear to her that Internet bullsh*t with random dudes (or anyone, really) will stop. If she balks on that, calls you "controlling" (note that this is often used as a faux feminist male shaming technique aimed at making you feel like a Neanderthal, thereby disarming any further argument), or whatever, kindly invite her to pack her sh*t and GTFO.

Act!

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #18 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 06:16 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,974
Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by itsmeurbrotherinlaw View Post
Thanks for the replys. No kids, she works, new state. I have started the 180, but I'm afraid there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb. Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?
Congrats....those are words are a doormat. If you were negotiating on my team I would kick your ass out....get this through your head no fixing anything until she get out of the fog she is in......pack her bags.
Lostinthought61 is offline  
 
post #19 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 07:22 AM
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,588
Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Respect yourself. I'm sorry your in this situation. Focus on you right now not her. Do not let her sleep in the same bed as you. Quietly make her see what she will be missing. Don't do anything nice for her. Be firm and mean business.
Trust me she doesn't respect you right now and she thinks your bluffing... all of which are not attractive traits in a husband.

Do you, ignore her. Has she said anything to you about the relationship? She has to be the one to bring it up first. If she doesn't seem bothered, then put some pressure on you. "When are you moving out" "are you looking for apartments".

You need to make it clear that your disgusted with her behavior and you don't want a wife like that, texting other men. A wife who doesn't love you. Stop focusing on reconciliation, it's not healthy for you and it for sure won't happen with that attitude. Focus on yourself. If she doesn't come crawling back then it's over. Use the 180 to prepare yourself mentally for it to be over.
katiecrna is offline  
post #20 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 07:24 AM
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,588
Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

And another thing... why do you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you, says she doesn't love you, says she doesn't want to be with you? You need to work in this... your self esteem. It's not normal or healthy to think so lowly is yourself.
katiecrna is offline  
post #21 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:06 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 3
Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Thank you for the replies everyone, I really appreciate it. I am working the 180, and you are right - the marriage is fake if both parties are not willing to participate. I have begun working on myself - been pretty scarce the past couple of days. I think it is already affecting her. Good. She needs to figure out what she wants, in or out. I can do in if she's willing, I have to be ready for out if she is not. I'll keep at it and post progress.

Thanks again for your time.
itsmeurbrotherinlaw is offline  
post #22 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 10:02 AM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 6,075
Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by itsmeurbrotherinlaw View Post
Thank you for the replies everyone, I really appreciate it. I am working the 180, and you are right - the marriage is fake if both parties are not willing to participate. I have begun working on myself - been pretty scarce the past couple of days. I think it is already affecting her. Good. She needs to figure out what she wants, in or out. I can do in if she's willing, I have to be ready for out if she is not. I'll keep at it and post progress.

Thanks again for your time.
THis is good, but NO, she doesnt need to figure out what she wants. She already told you what she wants.You need to tell her how its going to be, tell her she has two weeks to find a place and get her and her sh!t out of your home. I'm not sure why you want to hang on to someone who is placing interaction with other men above you and the marriage, but you need to be willing to end it to save it. If it ends, then its already over anyway.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is offline  
post #23 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 10:22 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,515
Cool Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by itsmeurbrotherinlaw View Post
Thanks for the replies. No kids, she works, new state. I have started the 180, but I'm afraid there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb. Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?
Well, it's all too apparent that she has kicked you to the curb already ~ it takes two people who want to genuinely reconcile!

Right now, I'm only counting one.

You'll show her that you're the bigger man if you initiate "the 180" and let her know that you mean business.

I'm so fearful that she's now become a lost cause and that it is beyond time to start looking after your very own well being!

This is not the way that married life is supposed to be! You deserve far, far better!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is offline  
post #24 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 06:32 PM
Member
 
FrazzledSadHusband's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 500
Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
THis is good, but NO, she doesnt need to figure out what she wants. She already told you what she wants.You need to tell her how its going to be, tell her she has two weeks to find a place and get her and her sh!t out of your home. I'm not sure why you want to hang on to someone who is placing interaction with other men above you and the marriage, but you need to be willing to end it to save it. If it ends, then its already over anyway.
Very important parts I missed earlier. It sounds totally contrary, but she needs to see you are ready & starting to torch the marriage. Start shopping for attorneys. Don't let her be comfortable. Talk to an attorney, know your rights & tell her to get out!

If you were texting some young thing, I suspect she would have already b!tch slapped you, yelled "DaFuq is your problem" & "Get DaFuq OUT!!!"

Not saying you should slap her, but your attitude can convey your anger at her actions.
FrazzledSadHusband is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How can I avoid foreclosure that caused by my ex-husband? babyblue2 Going Through Divorce or Separation 7 01-28-2017 08:16 AM
Trigger warning: overly sensitive leftists should avoid this thread! tech-novelist Politics and Religion 11 11-17-2016 02:41 PM
Wife living in an alternate reality??? Almost-Done Going Through Divorce or Separation 154 05-31-2016 09:50 AM
In order to avoid a threadjack tech-novelist The Social Spot 1 02-13-2016 11:10 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome