How can I avoid being a doormat? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
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How can I avoid being a doormat?

Hello everyone,

I am coming here hoping for some advice. My wife and I got into a fight last week about inappropriate texts to internet strangers (her, not me). We were mad, we were getting better (I thought), then bam - This week she is telling me that she does not want to be married anymore. She tells me she has checked out of the relationship. Main reason being complacency (valid, we moved recently, been fighting the routine at work, she's right.) Here's the rub - she lives together with me in our apartment, and has not left. I don't think she has plans to go anywhere right now, I sincerely don't think there is anyone 'real,' (everyone probably says that) and I'm not sure she could afford anything on her own. I am in a situation where the person who is telling me they don't want to be married is living with me.

Sounds easy enough, right? Just get started on the separation. Except, I don't want this. I want to reconcile with her. I have told her (and begun showing her) that everything would be different. I feel like a chump - I don't even have a lot of confidence it can change her mind. I want to remain open to reconciliation, but I am not sure if she is open to that, even a little. I have suggested everything I could think of - counseling, changes, you name it. She doesn't seem to be budging. She is not the type of person to take initiative on matters like separating finances, finding an apt, etc etc either.

How can I remain open to reconciliation without being a doormat?

Thank you for your time - I am hurting so badly right now, I appreciate that you read this.

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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:37 PM
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Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

She is checked out. Check your phone bills. She probably already has a new attachment to someone else. Once they are checked out, very difficult to get back. Can you get out of your lease?

Don't be a chump and fund someone's living expenses that is now lusting for someone else.

Check out some of the posts in the coping with infidelity section, she at least is probably in a Emotional Affair with someone online.

Lookup the 180 on this forum. Don't beg, cry, etc. It may sound weird, but don't let her see anything but a strong confident man.
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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:59 PM
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Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

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Originally Posted by FrazzledSadHusband View Post
She is checked out. Check your phone bills. She probably already has a new attachment to someone else. Once they are checked out, very difficult to get back. Can you get out of your lease?

Don't be a chump and fund someone's living expenses that is now lusting for someone else.

Check out some of the posts in the coping with infidelity section, she at least is probably in a Emotional Affair with someone online.

Lookup the 180 on this forum. Don't beg, cry, etc. It may sound weird, but don't let her see anything but a strong confident man.


This is 100% what you need to do.
Read the 180. I'd link it for you but I'm on mobile right now.
Start moving on, if she turns around you're able to better make good decisions if you've started to move on yourself.
She is very likely talking to someone at the very least.

Any kids?
Does she work?
You said you recently moved, as in to a new city?


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post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 05:11 PM
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Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Help her pack her crap, and show her you mean business....frazzled is absolutely right....once she sees that you willing to help get hercrap together....than she will either one of two things leave or work on the marriage....right now your flipping the bill for her....why would anyone leave if someone else is doing it for them.
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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 05:15 PM
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Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

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Originally Posted by Xenote View Post
Help her pack her crap, and show her you mean business....frazzled is absolutely right....once she sees that you willing to help get hercrap together....than she will either one of two things leave or work on the marriage....right now your flipping the bill for her....why would anyone leave if someone else is doing it for them.
This.

I think OP, that in a way, she told you she wants out because she wants to see where these ''conversations'' lead and you don't expect anything from her as a wife...while you still pay the bills. If you don't wish to become a doormat, the advice of Xenote is good. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 06:45 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the replys. No kids, she works, new state. I have started the 180, but I'm afraid there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb. Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?
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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 06:56 PM
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Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by itsmeurbrotherinlaw View Post
Hello everyone,

I am coming here hoping for some advice. My wife and I got into a fight last week about inappropriate texts to internet strangers (her, not me). We were mad, we were getting better (I thought), then bam - This week she is telling me that she does not want to be married anymore. She tells me she has checked out of the relationship. Main reason being complacency (valid, we moved recently, been fighting the routine at work, she's right.) Here's the rub - she lives together with me in our apartment, and has not left. I don't think she has plans to go anywhere right now, I sincerely don't think there is anyone 'real,' (everyone probably says that) and I'm not sure she could afford anything on her own. I am in a situation where the person who is telling me they don't want to be married is living with me.

Sounds easy enough, right? Just get started on the separation. Except, I don't want this. I want to reconcile with her. I have told her (and begun showing her) that everything would be different. I feel like a chump - I don't even have a lot of confidence it can change her mind. I want to remain open to reconciliation, but I am not sure if she is open to that, even a little. I have suggested everything I could think of - counseling, changes, you name it. She doesn't seem to be budging. She is not the type of person to take initiative on matters like separating finances, finding an apt, etc etc either.

How can I remain open to reconciliation without being a doormat?

Thank you for your time - I am hurting so badly right now, I appreciate that you read this.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time is a very true quote.

Begging, pleading etc will not work, use reverse psychology.

Do the 180 on her, emotionally detach.
Start taking care of yourself, go to the gym, make nights out with the lads, go to functions alone, etc. Do not tell her where or what you are doing (if she has really checked out she wont care but you will be moving on with your life).

Get counselling for yourself, tell one of your siblings so that you have someone to talk to about all of this.

Dont engage her about anything, start working on a plan to get her out of the apartment.

See a lawyer to find out what your options are.
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post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 07:02 PM
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Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by itsmeurbrotherinlaw View Post
Thanks for the replys. No kids, she works, new state. I have started the 180, but I'm afraid there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb. Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?


Here's the thing. You have to do the 180 for yourself. Not to get her back. It only works one way. IF while doing the 180 something changes you can decide then if you still want her. You may, I did.

But if you only do the 180 to get her back, here's how it works: You get her back, slowly stop the 180, then lose her again because things went back to normal. It won't work that way.

No kids = this is no where near as hard as many other people's situations. You have no responsibility to her at all. If she no longer wants to be married that means she no longer values anything you do enough to keep you. That includes your help with her living situation. It's time to move, let her land in reality and take care of yourself. There is a chance that will snap her out of it. Or she will just try to move on to whomever she has been talking too. Either way you win.

When I first started posting here I thought people saying the things I just said were insensitive and didn't know what they were talking about. I was wrong, they were just unbiased outside observers who completely understood my situation better than I did. You need the outside view. Consider some counseling to help yourself get a different perspective on things or do A LOT of reading here.




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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 07:08 PM
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Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Your hurting, hoping against hope that things will turn around. It sucks! Let me give you some advice. The more you beg, give puppy dog eyes, or say "I can't live without you", the more the sight of you will DISGUST her.

Please take this to heart "It's not about YOU!!" She has found someone that gives her lots of ego cookies. And once a woman decides she don't like you anymore, it's very hard to get that back. Sad part is, you could very well be a great guy, honest, loving, good provider. It doesn't matter. If she has someone feeding her ego cookies. and doesn't have the self control to cut them off and remain faithful to you, why do you want her in your life?

Pretend I just reached over the internet & laid about 500K on you. What would YOU do? Where would you live, what would you do for YOURSELF?

Life is short, why aren't you doing those things now?

Move her crap out, or, get out of the lease & let her deal with it.
Join a gym, start out lite, but work your way up lifting heavy.
Do cardio.
Get a haircut & shave, or grow a beard if your normally clean shaven.
Buy a couple of new shirts.
Become the best YOU you can be.
If she wonders whats going on, tell her, your EA online was a deal breaker, and until you stop dodging the issue and admit the error of your ways, we are done.
She is trying to rugsweep the issue. Wishing it would go away, but it won't until you both hash it out.
This board has a lot of betrayed spouses that rugswept an issue, only to have it rear it's ugly head months/years later.

It's a sh!tty deal.

It hurts. Sorry man, ain't anything else to do but slog thru the emotions.

The upside, become the best you that you can. There are women out there that have the self control to cutoff anyone that is pushing the boundaries.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Read Married Man Sex Life Primer.
Read 5 Love Languages.

Not to save your current relationship, but to improve yourself.

Watch this video, it will help you see why you need to forgive your ex.

Let go of the bitterness your going to feel. Don't let it pollute your future life.

Life will get better, just gotta have faith.
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post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:51 PM
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Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Read up
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrBT...oDD3lLjLtczb8-

You can't stop her but you stay in the home and your bedroom. If she moves out pull a hard 180 no contact.

You'll probably try nicing her back, writing long letters pouring you heart out which will make this worse.

Everyone in this situation seems to do all the wrong things. If you chase it pushes them further away.

Separation is usually to date other men. You'll linger in limbo if this happens. Your best bet if she moved out is to file immediately or accept and live with it until she dumps you

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post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:57 PM
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Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by itsmeurbrotherinlaw View Post
Thanks for the replys. No kids, she works, new state. I have started the 180, but I'm afraid there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb. Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?
Yep, you won't get it at first. You'll have to get a good taste of what she's giving you. Like most you'll stay in denial. Waiting on a small sliver of hope. Making all kinds of excuses for her...... Always seems to happen

How long are you willing wait for her while she has a boyfriend?

Check your phone bill
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post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:59 PM
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Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

How often were you two having sex?
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post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 09:23 PM
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Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by itsmeurbrotherinlaw View Post
Hello everyone,

I am coming here hoping for some advice. My wife and I got into a fight last week about inappropriate texts to internet strangers (her, not me). We were mad, we were getting better (I thought), then bam - This week she is telling me that she does not want to be married anymore. She tells me she has checked out of the relationship. Main reason being complacency (valid, we moved recently, been fighting the routine at work, she's right.) Here's the rub - she lives together with me in our apartment, and has not left. I don't think she has plans to go anywhere right now, I sincerely don't think there is anyone 'real,' (everyone probably says that) and I'm not sure she could afford anything on her own. I am in a situation where the person who is telling me they don't want to be married is living with me.

Sounds easy enough, right? Just get started on the separation. Except, I don't want this. I want to reconcile with her. I have told her (and begun showing her) that everything would be different. I feel like a chump - I don't even have a lot of confidence it can change her mind. I want to remain open to reconciliation, but I am not sure if she is open to that, even a little. I have suggested everything I could think of - counseling, changes, you name it. She doesn't seem to be budging. She is not the type of person to take initiative on matters like separating finances, finding an apt, etc etc either.

How can I remain open to reconciliation without being a doormat?

Thank you for your time - I am hurting so badly right now, I appreciate that you read this.
Well tell her she has a month to find an apartment. If I read this right and she is sending inappropriate texts to other men and you are still trying to R then let me break it to you. You are already a doormat.
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post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 09:27 PM
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Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

Quote:
Originally Posted by itsmeurbrotherinlaw View Post
Thanks for the replys. No kids, she works, new state. I have started the 180, but I'm afraid there is little room for reconciliation if I kick her to the curb. Is there an amount of time that is appropriate to wait? Also, two of the things in the 180 are not to talk about the future and not to bring up the marriage until they do. Again, I want to fix things if possible, how long do I give her?
I highlighted your problem. Never love someone enough that they can abuse you. Your love should not be able to be used as a noose.
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post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 09:31 PM
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Re: How can I avoid being a doormat?

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Originally Posted by FrazzledSadHusband View Post
Your hurting, hoping against hope that things will turn around. It sucks! Let me give you some advice. The more you beg, give puppy dog eyes, or say "I can't live without you", the more the sight of you will DISGUST her.

Please take this to heart "It's not about YOU!!" She has found someone that gives her lots of ego cookies. And once a woman decides she don't like you anymore, it's very hard to get that back. Sad part is, you could very well be a great guy, honest, loving, good provider. It doesn't matter. If she has someone feeding her ego cookies. and doesn't have the self control to cut them off and remain faithful to you, why do you want her in your life?

Pretend I just reached over the internet & laid about 500K on you. What would YOU do? Where would you live, what would you do for YOURSELF?

Life is short, why aren't you doing those things now?

Move her crap out, or, get out of the lease & let her deal with it.
Join a gym, start out lite, but work your way up lifting heavy.
Do cardio.
Get a haircut & shave, or grow a beard if your normally clean shaven.
Buy a couple of new shirts.
Become the best YOU you can be.
If she wonders whats going on, tell her, your EA online was a deal breaker, and until you stop dodging the issue and admit the error of your ways, we are done.
She is trying to rugsweep the issue. Wishing it would go away, but it won't until you both hash it out.
This board has a lot of betrayed spouses that rugswept an issue, only to have it rear it's ugly head months/years later.

It's a sh!tty deal.

It hurts. Sorry man, ain't anything else to do but slog thru the emotions.

The upside, become the best you that you can. There are women out there that have the self control to cutoff anyone that is pushing the boundaries.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Read Married Man Sex Life Primer.
Read 5 Love Languages.

Not to save your current relationship, but to improve yourself.

Watch this video, it will help you see why you need to forgive your ex. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOlnH0Y7DK0

Let go of the bitterness your going to feel. Don't let it pollute your future life.

Life will get better, just gotta have faith.
Plus there are good women out there who aren't fickle, who don't just start up new relationships when things get boring like your wife. They will talk and work on the relationship with you, like a decent spouse, dare I say human being will do. You can do better.
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