My wife and have been together for almost seven years, and we will celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary in just a few short weeks. Late last week, she said that she would like to take a break over the holidays. This will allow her to think about things, and decide if she is committed to this relationship. We will go our separate ways over Christmas, and we won't see each other for about 2 weeks.
Some background:
She said that she started feeling slightly unhappy with our marriage back in March. She didn't communicate this to me nor was I perceptive enough to pick up on these things. In July, she told me that she wasn't happy, and I will be the first to admit that I didn't handle that well at all. I was flabbergasted that I hadn't noticed her unhappiness (in fact, I thought we were doing very well). It tore me apart, and I was so emotional I walked out the door for the afternoon. After I got a hold of myself, we talked about a few things that I needed to work on. She said she wanted to be more independent, she didn't want me making her feel guilty for doing things that she wanted to do, and she wanted me to be better about chatting with her about her day and such.
Things seemed to improve after this conversation. Late in the summer, I started seeing some unusual behavior. She would come home very late at night after going out for drinks, and she would lie about what time she got home. I knew what time she got home, because I could hear the garage open. One Monday night, she came home visibly intoxicated, but she denied she had been drinking. She finally admitted that she had drank a couple of martinis by herself. The next morning, I grabbed her cell phone because I wanted to see if she was with someone. I can genuinely say that I was concerned about her, and I wasn't snooping. I found a string of over 100 text messages between her and her coworker calling each other "baby" and saying "i love you" and such. I confronted her about this that morning, she said that she didn't actually love him, and she didn't know why she said those things. She said she hadn't been physical with him, but she said that she had been emotionally unfaithful. She said that she would stop what she had been doing. She also told me that she had been seeing a counselor for a few weeks, and that she was working to figure out what she wanted out of our marriage.
My thought was that things were improving since then. I was wrong. We were planning on going on vacation with my parents in January, and everytime I would bring it up, she would avoid the subject. Eventually she finally told me that she felt uncomfortable going on the trip, because of what we were going through. At this point, I think I finally understood the gravity of the situation; she was really considering a divorce. Through the months we have talked a lot about our lack of intimacy, and she finally told me at this time that it is due to the fact that she wasn't comfortable enough with me to have sex.
I proceeded to search through her email a few days later. I found a couple of more email strings with her coworker from before with "i love you's" and messages about whether they were going to be together or not. I confronted her again about this. She said that she loves me but she isn't "in love" with me. She said that she cares deeply about the OM.
I have been an emotional wreck, and I have most definitely made some mistakes recently. I have been trying to schedule dates, I bought her flowers, I have been talking about our relationship, and I have been very needy. I have asked to join her with her marriage counselor. I sit here days before our "separation" will begin, and I'm looking for some advice. I have read a little bit about the 180, and I'm wondering if that would apply here.
Thank you in advance, and I'm happy to answer any questions you may.
Cowboy - Sorry to hear about what you are going though. Your wife's EA is something that she needs to deal with. If you try to change her mind there is a good chance that this same issue will come up again in the future. I'm currently going through a similar situation - she told me that she not IN love with me and getting separated during the holidays. It the worst possible timing but we need to be strong and understand that we can not change the way someone feels. Keep your self busy and remember that you will find some who will treat you with respect and not be unloyal to you. The old saying - If you love something set it free if it comes back its yours if not it was never meant to be. Best wishes.
I think that you bring up some good points niceguy. Thank you for that. The hardest part is that I really really want to be with her despite all of our problems.
When a cheating spouse asks for a separation it is ALWAYS an attempt to facilitate the cheating.
Your wife doesn`t want "space" to figure out how she feels about your marriage.
Your wife wants "space" so she can freely **** her OM without having to worry about you discovering it.
If you allow it she will see you as weak at a time when she needs to see you as a better option than the OM.
Wow! Your W is feeding you the cheaters script! Read some other of the threads on here. You will find that there is a common pattern with cheaters.
Think about this for a few minutes. You and your wife ALREADY committed to each other. Thats what the marriage ceremony is about. Separation? really? Dude - separations are "free passes to cheat". Did you sign up for this?
Here's the facts: You've already lost your wife. She's stringing you along cause you are probably more financially secure than the OM (Other man).
Your best strategy at this point? You need to expose the affair wide open. Your W (wife's) parents, sibliings, but most important, you need to find out if the OM is married. You will best help your situation by exposing the affair to the OM's W, if he has one.
Don't believe for a second that she hasn't been physical. If she felt the need to be truthfully honest, she wouldn't be lieing to you about everything else.
STD tests for you and her. There's a book out there (Married Men Sex Life Primer) that explains why women don't have sex with their committed partner. Its usually because they are emotionally and/or physically attached to someone else.
Now, lets address this separation. Thats what Divorces are for. Unless your minister / justice of the peace read from a different script, I don't remember any vow that includes 2 week marriage free passes to "decide" if they want to be married ( equals banging the OM during the "break"). You need to man-up (read No More Mr Nice Guy and Hold onto your NUT*s) and let her know how its going to be. If she wants to be "separate" - you get the divorce papers served to her. You've only been married 2 years. Thats still practically honeymoon period, and this shouldn't be happening, unless you married a serial cheater.
Focus on these three things:
1 - Man up
2 - Expose the affair
3 - No separation - serve divorce papers instead
Don't kiss her as* anymore or appear weak. Women's primary need in a relationship is to feel secure - physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually.
If she doesn't see an as*-kicker - she'll "upgrade" to another. That's why you need to man-up.
There are some links out here for what we call a "180" this will help you get your confidence back. Also, the divorce papers? Well, it turns out they are the fastest way to get knock an affair "off track" other than exposing the affair. And you can revoke them down the road, if reconciliation is in the picture with your.
My brutal assessment for your situation based on your circumstances? Serve her the divorce papers and be done with her. 2 years isn't long enough to necessitate the effort to reconcile. She's a cheater. If she's a cheater at 2 years, she's likely to be a repeat cheater. Get your bank accounts in order, seperate your finances, cancel her credit cards. This also is important to do for exposing the affair as it dries up her financial security, and the OM has to start paying.
Good luck! I hope the calvary shows up soon to give you the best advice there is on the forum.
Cowboy, this should be in the "coping with infidelity" section. Basically I will wager large sums of money she wants the separation to spend the holidays with the other man. I would also bet that it is a physical affair, not "just" emotional, though it is honestly hard to say which is the worst.
The thing that is most important for you to realize right now is that you CAN'T trust her, even if she still has your trust she is abusing it, completely walking over whatever respect you have for her. Her decisions to trash her marriage (and also completely destroy whatever postive opinion of you she may have had at one point in time) are being fueled by the chemical rush in her brain from this new romance. If she hasn't yet (though she may have been setting this up even as far back in march), she will blame you for her unhappiness, for all her unmet needs and for driving her into the ams (bed) of another man.
DO NOT TRUST her words, listen to her actions. If you want to have any chance of saving your marriage you need to hit her with a hard dose of reality because right now she is in fantasyland and she will regret it forever (and will cause you a world of hurt). Find out the depth of her affair for yourself, don't let her trickle-truth you, hire a PI, do the VAR under her car seat, check the cell phone records and internet history, install keyloggers. Find out who the OM is and if he's married tell his W, if he's not married tell his mother. Arm yourself with the truth, bust up this affair before you decide to let her separate and do not accept the blame of her bad choice to cheat. Hire a lawyer immediately to draft up the divorce documents (it takes time, so you can back out later if she becomes truly remorseful) If she is unrepentent then do the 180 on here (let her go, no contact with her, no begging, pleading or trying to win her, just focus on yourself and realize that you are better off without a liar for a partner).
Sorry you are here but right now is not the time for self-pity, you need to act fast to kill the affair. A cheating w has no respect or attraction for a H that begs for her to stop screwing her OM, you are basically in this by yourself right now (with some supportive people on here), so don't expect any kind of help from her, honestly no mercy for the OM, don't be nice right now be a protective husband that will claim his W and if she is gone then you will get a better one.
Your best strategy at this point? You need to expose the affair wide open. Your W (wife's) parents, sibliings, but most important, you need to find out if the OM is married. You will best help your situation by exposing the affair to the OM's W, if he has one.
You definitely need to do this quickly.
Find out anything and everything you can about the OM.
Pray that he`s married or at least in a relationship.
Expose the affair to his wife/girlfriend, don`t just tell her give her copies of the texts they`ve sent.
Blow this out of the water quickly.
Then get divorce papers working.
If you`re lucky your wife will wake up real quick and stop this bull****.
Wow. Thanks for all of the responses. I definitely wasn't expecting what I'm hearing.
Let me provide a few more details:
The separation as I'm told isn't maybe a separation that you guys are visioning. Our home is in my parents hometown. She will leave this Friday to drive to her parents home for the holidays. I will be staying in our house. She will return Tuesday. I am leaving Wednesday for business and will return the 1st. So we will see each other during this time period. I also don't think she will see the OM except at work. I don't know that this is a separation but more of a break. I don't think she is trying to spend time with him.
The OM: I know him quite a bit. He has never been married and he is a single father. He doesn't have a wife or a girlfriend of any sort. He was not raised by his biological father. He was raised by one of his father's friends. This friend is also the boss of both my wife and the OM.
This is a pretty juicy situation, and I am starting to understand that I need to expose this to more people. I think the only people aware are my parents. I know my wife has talked to her family about our issues, but I doubt they are aware of this side of things.
I can pull the SMS records off of her iPhone and get all of that information. I'm nearly certain that I can get more information from there.
Do I expose this relationship to my wife's parents? Do I expose this relationship to their boss?
Before you go exposing or confronting make sure you have your facts straight. Once you know the extent of your W's affair you will get a better picture, including if she has any genuine remorse and what you need to do to protect yourself in this. Don't give away your source of information - you need to be discreet and IMO it is not unethical to be snooping right now because it is clear your W has acted against your marriage... once you have the truth and a plan, and after you confront and decide on R or D then you you can eventually be transparent about doing whatever it took.
As to her parents and the employer, these are weapons in your arsenault, expose when/if necessary, but I would expect that you will eventually use them. If she is unrepentant and you want the divorce you are allowed to tell whomever you need to tell the truth to in order to recover from this. Telling her employer may end her employment, and depending how this goes down it may be for the better (eg, if you R then no contact would mean your W and her AP could no longer work together, or if you D then who cares its her problem to deal with, her own consequences).
The separation as I'm told isn't maybe a separation that you guys are visioning. Our home is in my parents hometown. She will leave this Friday to drive to her parents home for the holidays. I will be staying in our house. She will return Tuesday. I am leaving Wednesday for business and will return the 1st. So we will see each other during this time period. I also don't think she will see the OM except at work. I don't know that this is a separation but more of a break. I don't think she is trying to spend time with him.
This doesn't change anything.
Why are you not going to your in-laws with your wife?
Where is the OM spending the holidays?
What makes you think he wouldn't travel to get in your wife's pants?
How does this change anything?
Your wife is in the midst of an affair and you are letting her leave town for a weekend.
Does that sound particularly wise to you? Posted via Mobile Device
I'm not going to my in-laws with my wife, as she has asked me not to go. I would be very surprised if the OM was traveling to see her, but you bring up a good point; I simply don't know what would be in the plans. I would be shocked if he was welcome at her parents home.
I am going to begin the 180. It is time. She can decide what she's going to do for the holidays, but I will be at home.
I'm also going to pick up a VAR for her car after work today. She talks on the phone in her car a lot. She will be driving multiple hours for the holidays, so I should know very soon what's going on.
I'm not going to my in-laws with my wife, as she has asked me not to go. I would be very surprised if the OM was traveling to see her, but you bring up a good point; I simply don't know what would be in the plans. I would be shocked if he was welcome at her parents home.
He wouldn`t need to be welcome at her parents house.
A hotel room local to her parents house would be all that he needed.
Sounds extreme to you perhaps but I`ve seen it dozens of times on this board.
Quote:
I am going to begin the 180. It is time. She can decide what she's going to do for the holidays, but I will be at home.
Excellent.
Quote:
I'm also going to pick up a VAR for her car after work today. She talks on the phone in her car a lot. She will be driving multiple hours for the holidays, so I should know very soon what's going on.
Even more excellent.
I`m glad you`re not sticking your head in the sand Cowboy, I was worried about you for a little while.
I hope you find nothing on the VAR and the two of you can figure it out.
Thanks Tacoma and Dadof. I'm coming around on this stuff!
The only thing I'm confused on is the holiday trip. I agree letting my wife leave for the holidays is risky, and I do want to go with her. The 180 would point me in another I direction it appears though. I shouldn't be asking or insisting to spend time with her. I can have plenty of fun hanging out with my family and friends here in town.
If she does take me along with her, how do I manage the 180 while staying at her parents home?
Wife wants to separate over holidays 
