being torn apart - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 07:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: being torn apart

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Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
We have to ask this question. Did you cheat on your wife?

GIC may be right. Google "walkaway wife"
no. nothing like that at all.

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post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 07:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: being torn apart

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It's understandable to want things from therapy because you have a specific goal in mind. However, the only thing you should focus on in therapy is improving the relationship with your wife.

Don't get hung up on the therapist being on your side. You really shouldn't want that anyway because if your wife sniffed any bias toward you, she'd quit going altogether. For her, this isn't about fixing things, that's a very male-centric point of view (I was guilty of this too). I'd bet that for her this is more about you listening to her because she felt you haven't done that for long time.

If you want to save this you have to be empathetic and compassionate. To her, you are not the victim simply because you were the one that got left. She's the victim because you pushed her to this point. Somewhere in the middle is the truth, but she's the one that felt beaten down by the problems in your relationship and they became too much to bear.

While it may be on the nose, the question of, "Why didn't you see this coming," is valid. By being open to answering it you'll likely acquire a lot of insight into why she left. Maybe you were complacent, neglectful, comfortable, overly secure, took her for granted, didn't listen or whatever. I agree that at some point if the relationship is salvageable the focus will need to shift on the future and building a new, better, relationship, but you've had only one therapy session and as the cliche goes, "those that don't learn history are doomed to repeat it." You need to identify the mistakes that were made so you can avoid making them again.

You're absolutely right that your eagerness to get back together is sabotaging that objective. She's told you what she wants and we could debate whether that's fair, just, etc. but it's really irrelevant. Every time you bring up the past or push her to get back together you're sending the message that you're ignoring what she's told you: that she doesn't want to live together but is willing to date and go to therapy. The more you push to be reunited, ruminate on the past and your own insecurities in the moment the more you're communicating that you're 100% not ready to fully get back together with a healthier fresh start. The past is painful; why would she want to live with someone that constantly reminds her of that?

Were you honest about your eagerness to get back together in therapy? If so, what did the therapist say and how did your wife react? As other posts on here state, real change takes time. You've been separated only four months and gone to one therapy session. Your wife has no reason to believe that if she came back now anything would be different because, well, it wouldn't be.

Hopefully the two of you have another therapy session on the books. If so, go in with a different attitude and try to detach from expectations and just try to listen and communicate. Lastly, you two are having sleepovers and some good times... what does your therapist think about that continuing? I'd imagine he or she would likely think that's unwise as long as the pain of the past is so present in both your minds.

Thank you. Yes, this is very good advice. I have always been a "fix it" now kind of person, and need to realize that If this going to work, its not going to be at my pace, its going to be at her pace. I have to admit, I was so caught up in my emotions, that I really don't think I took as much from that session as I could have. We're both suffering, and for now, she is encouraging us to continue to talk. She is the one that said she wanted to give this a go, the trying. Initially it was a permanent split and we were heading for a divorce. I don't want that, and I'm glad we're trying.
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post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 07:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: being torn apart

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
You are giving very vague answers which makes me think either she gave you vague reasons which means she is probably cheating. Or you don't want to give specific answers because we would be on her side. Give us an example of one of your big fights.
no big fights. She was overwhelmed, and was exhausted. there was no warning. she felt she was putting to much of her energy into taking care of me, neglecting her self, and her child. She felt there was nothing left to give me.
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post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 07:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: being torn apart

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Let's imagine that you were frustrated with someone over and over for a few years. You finally had enough and left. Then that person only wants to talk about getting back together again, and ignore what had happened in that past. Would you be ok with that? Try to see things from her perspective, then completely change your attitude about not wanting to talk about the past.
Very good point- thank you!
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post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: being torn apart

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Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
As others have stated, you'll need to get specific if you want help working on the issues.

One question: how did you find out about her leaving? You said it was by accident, but that could mean a lot of things.

All in all, if the two of you are still seeing each other regularly and enjoying intimacy then you likely have a much better chance of reconciling than most of us on these boards.

Reading through your posts again, two things jumped out at me as being completely at odds with each other. You that during your therapy session you wanted to focus on the future of the relationship and not revisit the past. However, you also stated that when you spend time with your wife you DO tend to talk about the past and your own problems dealing with it.

That has to be incredibly confusing for her; that you're not willing to talk about the past with the help of a trained professional, but want to dump it on her any time you two are alone. You have to fix that disconnect.
I'm really trying to be specific and open. One day, i ran into a mutual acquaintance. he said he was sorry to hear the "news". that's how I found out. I had to ask her about it, she told me she was moving out. she would have told me that weekend. I had no warning of her intention. nothing out of the ordinary was happening, that I saw.

as far as reasons i was given: "I'm Physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted and have nothing left to give anyone, not you, not my kid, not even myself. I'm done".

to illustrate the suddenness of this, we had even planned and booked a vacation only 3 weeks before this happened.

Since this, I've learned that i did rely on her to much, always expected that she would be there, and that I never expected this would happen. I was complacent. We had a blended family, that never really blended, it was a roller coaster revolving door. There were and are constant custody disputes all initiated by my first wife, that took there toll. It was/is stressful, and I allowed it to takeover my life, and I allowed it to ruin our marriage. I'll own it, and I'll take responsibility for letting it all happen around me. I spent far to much time worrying about tomorrow, the next day, the next year, that I didn't appreciate the present. I neglected her, and I neglected what I had.

yes, I agree with what you say about the discussion of the past, that is good advice and I hope to have the opportunity to fix that disconnect! I must be more conscious of what I say! (I am also going to put my feelings of hurt aside, since really, it does no good to dwell on that either.)

I will share that the last week that we seem to be drifting apart further. I think she may becoming more comfortable being alone, and to be honest, so am I. I hated it at first, but now i am more comfortable with it. I Have been doing a lot of reading, the power of Now is what I'm on now. I've also read a lot about Buddism, thich nhat hanh books, and similar.

I feel like I should at least give this every bit of my effort, and not just give up Others have said, here, as well as personal friends and famil, that if she left, why would you want her back? Almost no one I know personally, understands why I would want to try and make this work. That's a decision I know I have to make for myself, For many years she was by my side and helped me get through some very difficult times (I had a very serious illness that nearly cost me my life) she was there for me. I'm looking at this as an opportunity to give back some of what she gave me.

What I need to do is:

-not fixate on the past, but only visit it to learn from it as needed
-put aside my feelings of hurt, abandonment
-take care of myself
-Listen
-Appreciate each day
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post #21 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:43 PM
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Re: being torn apart

If you chase, act needy, clingy you push them further away.

If it were me I'd check the phone bill just to make sure I knew what I was up against.

Take this time to learn to live alone. It does have its good points.
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post #22 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 08:49 PM
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Re: being torn apart

You're still vague. I don't even know you and I'm frustrated with you. I could only imagine how your wife feels.

I second looking at her phone bill. She got her needs met by someone else and wants out.
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post #23 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 09:04 PM
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Re: being torn apart

Counseling almost always starts with looking at the past to figure out how your relationship got to the point it's at. The counselor cannot help you until they have that info. You and your wife need to look at the past and figure it out. You both need to listen to what the other has to say about it.

Then, you can start looking at what needs to be fixed and how to fix it.

If a car it taken to a mechanic, the first thing they have to do is diagnostics. Until they diagnose the problem, it cannot be fixed.

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post #24 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 10:40 AM
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Re: being torn apart

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post

Then, you can start looking at what needs to be fixed and how to fix it.

If a car it taken to a mechanic, the first thing they have to do is diagnostics. Until they diagnose the problem, it cannot be fixed.
You have a knack for analogies.
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post #25 of 25 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 12:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: being torn apart

Thank you all for the replies, advice and suggestions. I realize it seems like I'm being vague and elusive. I'm being open and upfront, I know its frustrating. This is what I have to work with, these are the reasons I have been given, I am frustrated too.

We grew apart, and she walked away when she wasn't getting what she needed from me. If I had to distill it down: I was to dependent on her, didn't show enough love and affection. We didn't talk enough, and there was to much focus on our own personal lives our own kids, our own jobs, and not enough time was spent together, as a couple. No date nights, rarely dinner together. I took her for granted, that she would always be there. She felt it was easier to walk away, then to try and save it. Why save something that has no value? if its broken, why keep it?

Right now I'm going to put myself first. Not worry about whats going to happen with "us".

-paul


Last edited by ConfusedAlone; 02-17-2017 at 01:12 PM.
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