I've been reading many posts, and see I'm not alone. I'm one of many that have been here. I'm 4 months post separation, praying we may reconcile. I love my wife with all my heart, she brought pure joy into my life, and I cannot imagine not spending the rest of my life with her. I truly hope this is just a challenge we must overcome.
I'm not sure what to hope for by posting my story. I guess I'm hoping for some advice, support, encouragement, etc. I also think it may help me get through this. I'm not sure how much detail to go into, but for for now I'll skim the surface.
My wife and I are now separated. I never saw it coming. By accident I found out that she was leaving me. that bit is vital in understanding how bad communication was, and why things are seem so impossible to rectify right now. because we're still not really communicating. She didn't want to talk about it, she just wanted to "escape" it.
I've learned that she carefully planed her "escape ". she secured an apartment, and she had planned on moving out after a short business trip, that changed when I found out sooner then expected. She left me suddenly, with no warning not even an argument or discussion. We had issues, stemming from my previous marriage (all the things you'd expect but much worse). I know I made mistakes, I didn't put our relationship first while I dealt with the baggage from the previous marriage, poor financial decisions, spending to find happiness, I got depressed when my children left every weekend. i could go on, but I think you get the idea.
About a month post separation, she started talking to me again, and said that she thought maybe we could continue to be a couple but live apart, seeing each other once or twice a week. she didn't want to do counseling, but eventually she agreed to try it. I don't think that went well, i think it was to focused on the past, and not focused enough the goal of reconciling. It was to me, to much focused on the how did we get to this place instead of how to we get to that place. Maybe that is where I'm really wrong- maybe that is what I need to understand, but right now I'm not sure I'm ready to explore that because It brings back all the pain and suffering of when she told me she was leaving me.
I really want to make this work, but realistically i'm going to need to rent out a room in my house in order to keep it, and once I do that, a reconciliation to me, becomes more much more challenging. I'm also feeling like if she really wanted to reconcile, moving back in would make it a heck of a lot easier, am I right? She certainly has made her point and gotten my attention.
Has anyone ever successfully reconciled after months, or years apart? that's what the timeline of this is looking like. not that there is any commitment of a timeline to begin with. Which is part of my suffering, there is not a commitment to even reconcile, its more about talking about the past, not about the future.
Thanks for listening
Hi, Paul. Reading your post... very similar to my reaction and story and I'm sure many more on here would say the same.
However, your wife is showing (or has shown) you that she's open to working on it. Most of us never get that chance and would have done anything to get it.
Are you two still going to therapy? If so, I'd recommend apologizing for making it about the failures of the past and pledge to make it about improving for a better future. If she's since stopped going to counseling with you, then apologize anyway and ask her to give it another try.
She might not agree, but if you want to do everything in your power to get her back it's worth a shot.
You outlined some things you didn't do well in the marriage (focusing on your first marriage, being depressed when your children leave, not putting your new relationship first etc.) but are these her words or your perception of why she left? Has she talked in the therapy sessions you did attend about why she felt the need to leave?
If I'm being completely honest, and based on my own experience, you have to prepare for the worst. My wife had also planned her exit for some time (had an apartment lined up, a friend's place to stay at until it was ready etc.) and chances are the seed of the idea started long before any objective steps were taken. That's going to make this extremely challenging because her narrative has been, "I must leave," for a long time now; longer than you'd probably want to know about.
But! she has extended an olive branch with counseling and even said she wants to continue as a couple. It's possible that she's going to keep you on the hook until she finds someone that's better to her, but I don't know enough about your situation to say that with any definitiveness.
In terms of a timeline, you're 4 months in so it's not fresh, but it's not extremely far along either. By almost 4 months in, my wife filed for divorce, so you have more hope than I did after the same amount of time. Are you taking her up on the offer of dating a couple of times a week? If so, how is it going? Is communication going well on these dates if they're happening or do one or both of you bring up past hurts?
If you are dating and it's going well, I wouldn't push for a timeline any time soon. Actually, I wouldn't do that either way. If you aren't dating and communication has mostly stopped or is contentious, you'll probably need to go no contact and use the 180 (you can Google it or there are several posts about it on here). That way you at least improve yourself and make it easier to move on if it comes to that.
You're likely in for a long ride with many peaks and valleys. Lean on this site and the long time posters on here. They've really helped me with my situation.