Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.
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Old 12-20-2011, 09:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default [Update] Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

--------------------------------------------------

[UPDATE 1/1/12]

I am seriously considering separation right now.

Another sleepless night...early morning, by myself...Crying over how much I love this woman...I just can't stop thinking about what she did and how remorseless she is about it. I am giving her 100% of everything I have right now but all she can do is be nice to me. No affection, no intimacy...I tell her about my needs and she makes me feel guilty bringing it up. Like, that last thing on her mind right now is my needs...I cannot live like this...

Is that how you work on a marriage???

I don't know how to do the separation because of the kids, and right now I don't even want to look at her...

Happy New Year...

--------------------------------------------------

[Update 12/21/11]

She told me that she wants to work things out. She doesn't want a divorce.

I talked to her long-time friend and he assured me that J is most definitely not a threat and is very gay and happy with his partner. She told me the same.

She tells me she still loves me, and is still attracted to me but not in love with who I am lately. She apologized for saying those things to him, but not sorry for missing him, because he has been there for her. She says she will not stop talking to this guy as he has been the only one there for her for the past 6 months.

At this point, I want to fight to keep the family together and will give her privacy and trust her. I feel like a different person after briefly facing divorce; I don't feel as afraid of being hurt like I was before. I know that if I don't give my all to make this work for myself, and my boys, I will regret it later.

Therapy is something I think we both should do, though I think she is still opposed. I will ask her and she what she says.

Thanks for reading.

Any thoughts are welcome.

--------------------------------------------------

My wife of 7 years, mother to my two beautiful boys, wants to separate. Now I am overcome with guilt and I have no idea why I am feeling this way.

September, she started to change; she started staying up late and getting up early, was in better moods, told me she wanted to lose the baby weight and was really motivated. She tells me she wants to go on vacation to see her friend in 6 months (who lives in PA, we are in the south)... I say "sure". My radar goes off...

So, I snoop...

I find she's been talking to a "bisexual" guy through facebook who coincidentally lives in upstate NY. She confides in a friend that she "really has a thing for" this guy, posts publicly on a facebook game page that she has a crush on him. She then tells me she wants to visit NY whilst visiting her friend in PA.

I snoop more...

She google searches for:
"romantic things to do in NYC" (One result was Empire State Building which she told me she wanted to go and do.) Coincidence???
"songs about secret love"
"MENSTRAL CYCLE CALENDAR!!!" She has no explanation for this but eventually made something up that made no sense.

I am beside myself, but in denial, so I ask her who this guy is (I'll call him J") who is posting youtube videos on her facebook game account profile. Videos with comments like "this is a song for sexy time" entitled "Freak me"

I wanted to ****ing vomit I felt so ill...

She tells me he is not bisexual, but gay and that he has had a partner for over 10 years. And that he is just a friend.

I tell her friends do not say that to each other, and she is married and needs to have respect for me not to do that. She gets mad at me "snooping".

She then suggests an open marriage! Because she won't have to live with the guilt of not fulfilling my needs...Now, my bull**** meter is pegged at this point, and I say no, that is not the reason, what's the real reason???
I tell her that I still love her and that we can work through whatever is going on with her, I can change, blah blah, I'm in denial.

I ask her point blank, is it something I can fix? Because I can do that, but if you just want to be held by another man, I can't fix that, and you need to tell me that.

She continues to lie and say no, no...

I pour my heart out to her about how much I love her and want to make this work...

Two weeks later, she has some wine and asks me for an open marriage again (less than an hour after she texts J in NY)...I reluctantly agree, but then refuse a day later thinking there is no way I can do that...

We have a few more fights about things she is saying to this guy. One big fight before going to Disney for a week for our boys when she tells him on her facebook game wall:
"I don't know how I can go a week without you."
and
"I miss you, I miss our talks(???), I miss your handsome face. But my heart still flutters when I think of you."

I tell her how much this hurts me to read and she doesn't even seem bothered by it..."We're just good friends" she says...

December 16th, our 7 year anniversary, I offer to pick up her favorite dinner across town she hasn't had since we started dating. I tell her I want to put the kids to bed early and have a nice romantic night, she says OK. She puts the kids to bed early, comes back out and says, "I'm tired, hurry up." So we have 1 minute of emotionless sex while she just lays there she didn't want foreplay, kissing or touching (been that way for years...) sorry if TMI...

I found out a day later while I was driving to pick up the food on our anniversary, she texted J:"missing you a lot, thinking of you." FML...


I confront her about it last night and tell her to choose, him or me, she tells me "she shouldn't have to choose." I tell her then we're going to have to figure something out, divorce or separation because I can't live like this, she says she can't live with me going through her stuff all the time. It ends with us agreeing that we need to figure out how to split up the kids, the car, the house I just bought for US in June...


Honestly, I kind of feel relieved, as all the hurt I felt was in the last 3 months, the depression, panic attacks, sleepless nights...I feel like I've already felt my worst while I was reading all that stuff and her lying about it...

Now I just feel guilty, like I made a mistake. What is wrong with me?

Thanks for reading, and sorry for the disjointed mess of a post...

Last edited by imjustlost; 01-01-2012 at 07:08 AM.
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Old 12-20-2011, 09:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

Sounds like she's been talking to this guy for a while now... If she's made up her mind that she wants to be with this person and she wants to stay with you for the security/etc. This is not a good situation at all. But, you should not feel guilty for wanting to end it. You shouldn't have to be anybody's consolation prize.
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Old 12-20-2011, 09:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

Whoa man...been there, felt that. Be glad you looked into it and found out what she was doing/saying. And don't feel guilty for standing up for yourself. No friggin way. She did this to your marriage.

Ouch on the anniversary - same thing happened on my birthday this summer. Dinner/dancing (my idea to which she reluctantly agreed, much like your W) turned into my stbxw texting OM throughout "my" dinner and then complaining how her feet hurt all the way to the club, at which point I said "You know what, let's just go home" before we even walked in. Good times.

As for snooping, if you hadn't pulled her texts you never would've known the level to which she was disrespecting you. You are in the right. Sorry but she doesn't give a crap about you man, and right now is willing to throw it all away for a fantasy. As much as that seems impossible, it's the truth. Wavering on anything will not help.

Again, be glad you know what the real story is, no matter how much it hurts to see how selfish your WW can be. Keep your foot firmly planted, and let her know (again) that she's crossed the line and you won't be second in her life - not in life, love or ANYTHING. Period.

As for her having to choose, she already has.

I know you have kids, and that makes this really hard, but please consider skipping "separation" and going straight on to seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce. You can always stop it later if you decide to, but separation will just allow your W to strengthen her relationship with the OM, and let her do it virtually guilt free! (Oh, him? No, we're separated, it's okay now!!")

Same with the open marriage, eff that. Unless you wanna continue to feel this way while your W goes out and disrespects you to the extreme. And then she'll eventually leave you.

Expose to the OM's "committed partner of 10 years". Offer him your sympathy and any proof he requires.

So sorry man...good luck. Your W may have an epiphany and want to do everything to save the marriage, at that point you can decide what feels right, but this OM has to be out of the picture for good. Hit the gym, take care of yourself and your kids...and let her go. You will find someone who will be a true wife to you.
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Old 12-20-2011, 10:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

And please tell me you laughed in her face when she said she "shouldn't have to choose". What a load of crap.
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Old 12-20-2011, 12:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

Isn't is amazing how they make up ridiculous stories and expect us to believe them? Sad part is most of the times we do..
I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage. I know the guilty feeling when you don't even have anything to feel guilty about. It seems like she's made her decision, but it's clear a relationship with a bisexual man hundreds of miles away is going to last max of a few months. She's probably bored, needs some new attention, and unfortunetly there are alot of women out there like this. Listen, you have two options. You can bite the bullet and continue working out the divorce because she obviously has disrespected your marriage in multiple ways and you have every right to go out and find a wife who will not get "bored" and your attention will be enough for the next however many years (and yes we do exsist just in case you are now doubting that). Or you can wait for her to be done being an idiot, and come back to you (which will most likely happen) and work on your marriage. This option is obviously a toss up because it does take two and she might not snap out of it and want to keep your marriage but nothing is impossible. I believe every marriage that can be saved, should be. And yes that is my opinion through my faith.. but that is your personal quesiton to answer. If it cant than it is not your fault- you have done everything you can (even agree to an open marriage!!) and you should not feel guilty if you have been a faithful, loving, devoted husband. God Bless!
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Old 12-20-2011, 12:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

Ok, Ok! I will say it....!

180 time!
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Old 12-20-2011, 01:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

When she said she shouldn't have to choose, you shoud have laughed and said, actually I'm choosing, and my choice is to dump you out of my life because your just another lying cheat.
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Old 12-20-2011, 01:37 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

Thanks everyone for the replies, they really mean a lot to me.
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Old 12-20-2011, 01:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

How did she meet him?
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Old 12-20-2011, 02:08 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

Get strong brother. Youre waaaaaay better off without her and her crap.

You are a better man and dont deserve any of this crap.

Its HER FAULT.

Be good and take care of yourself and blow her off right back
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:35 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

I posted an update in the original thread and below. Comments welcome.

Thanks again for the replies everyone, I'll be coming back to this page for a while, I'm sure.

----------------------------------------------------------
[Update]

She told me that she wants to work things out. She doesn't want a divorce.

I talked to her long-time friend and he assured me that J is most definitely not a threat and is very gay and happy with his partner. She told me the same.

She tells me she still loves me, and is still attracted to me but not in love with who I am lately. She apologized for saying those things to him, but not sorry for missing him, because he has been there for her. She says she will not stop talking to this guy as he has been the only one there for her for the past 6 months.

At this point, I want to fight to keep the family together and will give her privacy and trust her. I feel like a different person after briefly facing divorce; I don't feel as afraid of being hurt like I was before. I know that if I don't give my all to make this work for myself, and my boys, I will regret it later.

Therapy is something I think we both should do, though I think she is still opposed. I will ask her and she what she says.

Thanks for reading.

Any thoughts are welcome.

Last edited by imjustlost; 12-21-2011 at 10:48 AM.
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Old 12-21-2011, 11:07 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

Sorry it's gotten to this point,

Her long time friend that assured you J is gay, is also a "he"?

J might be her source of support, and he might be covering for who she is going to meet. Do you actually know that the text was sent to J? Is that his phone number? Or did the phone just have his name on it?

It's hard to hear this, but she can't have her cake and eat it too.

At this point, to be safe you should assume she may have already cheated on you.

She needs to cut off all contact with "whoever" she is talking to.
You both get tested for STD's.
You both go to counselling.
This is an affair. EA maybe more. (open marriage??)
She stops taking her personal "problems" to bad sources and deals with whatever it is. With you, or with counselling.

Cover your back in the meantime. Financially.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:07 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

Ouch... hang in there and I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas, all things considered.

My wife and I were going to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary on January 1st. A week ago she tells me she's unhappy, doesn't love me anymore, wants to separate. This is the 3rd time in the past year she has wanted to separate. Part of my wants to save my marriage, but I've been unhappy as well. Little intimacy, love, affection and patience from my wife. Life has got to be better.

In my case, we waiting too long to see an MC. Seeing one now, but I fear it's too late (at least my wife thinks so). I would also recommend you read "Women are From Mars, Men are From Venus" - really gives some insight into the say each gender thinks. If she's saying someone else is there for you, this book can help you with a better understanding and tools to be there for her. Really helped me last summer and turned our marriage around, but unfortunately, I think I'm looking at the end now.

I know exactly what you mean by the anxiety and sleepless nights. I would not wish that stress on anyone. Best wishes, and I hope you two can turn things around.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:46 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

Quote:
Originally Posted by deejov View Post
Her long time friend that assured you J is gay, is also a "he"?
Yes, he is also gay and I've met him and his partner and adopted son. No doubts there, he told me there is absolutely nothing to worry about. What is sad, is that it appears that J flirts with a lot of girls online (I've seen) though and all of his posts indicate a gay man with things like "sweetie" and such. But, who knows, really.

Quote:
Originally Posted by deejov View Post
J might be her source of support, and he might be covering for who she is going to meet. Do you actually know that the text was sent to J? Is that his phone number? Or did the phone just have his name on it?
Text was sent to J. They never phoned each other, only texts, most of which were "what are you doing today?" "going to the store" stuff like that. Few of which were "missing you" and "thinking of you"

Quote:
Originally Posted by deejov View Post
It's hard to hear this, but she can't have her cake and eat it too.

At this point, to be safe you should assume she may have already cheated on you.

She needs to cut off all contact with "whoever" she is talking to.
You both get tested for STD's.
You both go to counselling.
This is an affair. EA maybe more. (open marriage??)
She stops taking her personal "problems" to bad sources and deals with whatever it is. With you, or with counselling.

Cover your back in the meantime. Financially.
I am fairly confident she hasn't cheated, as I saw most everything she did online, and we share a car, she is a stay at home mom. That's not to say it's impossible though.

Thanks for posting.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just decided to go our separate ways. Need perspective.

Thank you canguy66 for sharing and for the recommendation. I will look into reading that book.
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