Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock! - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:19 AM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

Agree with @sokillme. A while ago there was a thread on this subject here. I recall a bi-sexual woman response: cheating is cheating period.
Bingo !!!

With some people if it is with a same sex person and out of sight out of mind seems to apply. I disagree, sooner or later it will effect the "main relationship". Also in your wife's case she is the OW or I guesss the Other Person to the OW girlfriend. In short she has chosen to allow another human being to suffer as you and your wife did in your previous marriage. What does that say about her???

That question also needs to be answered before reconcilation takes place. Keep the lines open to the OW spouse to some degree with up dates only about your wife's statements and actions (such as she is going out tomorrow night). Important note: thank her for havimg tje courage to contact you and stick to those topics I previously mentioned. Be careful not to allow yourself to become the bad guy.


How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #17 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

The OW and I have been in regular contact. No way will i ever become the bad guy. She hasn't even tried to go there. She is setting up counseling and looking for a new job. She dumped all the alcohol out at our house before she left, and told her sister to make sure doesn't even think about drinking or play on her phone. She says she is doing it for my comfort because she knows she isnt going to do anything. I talked to her sister, she is completely on my side, and shocked. The other woman told me that my wifes lesbian lover or whatever has a pool tournament tonight at a local bar.(sounds trashy i know) Im tracking her phone, we will see what happens. Her sister is watching her tho. So i doubt she will leave. She shouldnt even know about it if she is no contact.
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post #18 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 08:59 PM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

I think your gut was right. I tried R we made it less than 3 years and she cheated again. The thing is IF you were to be ok with the other woman and maybe the three of you, could be tempting, there's still one problem. She did it behind your back. Everyone in swinger style relationships says one very important thing. That is that trust in those relationships is even more important so don't let that idea temp you she couldn't even handle the first 2 years. The honeymoon phase when your supposed to have it easy. She isn't cut out for a marriage and she never will be.

I cheated once when I was umm 19 or 20. Swore I would never do it again. Now I've been cheated on twice. I'll tell you that having it done to you is FAR worse in every way and if she didn't learn not to cheat by being cheated on in her relationship before you she is in no way capable of learning not to cheat by being caught.


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post #19 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 09:28 PM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tillaan View Post
if she didn't learn not to cheat by being cheated on in her relationship before you she is in no way capable of learning not to cheat by being caught.

This^^^


OP you seemed to skip the step of deciding if this is the type of person you want to spend your life with. Bet you don't know the true story of her first marriage.
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post #20 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 07:52 AM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

@tillmaan and @sokillme are right to express strong reservations. But in this case I might stick around and be supportive to some degree as long there is no Alcohol in the house and she stays on her meds. I would also insist on seeing her IC for first meeting to make sure all the facts are revealed and what the desired outcome is. More then a few therapist have gotten hood winked.

Bipolar I understand runs in the family. What is her family like, her parents marriage, any FOO or CSA issues. One poster here I believe was in therapy for close to a decade before she revealed the CSA.

I would also see a lawyer on your own without her knowedge to gain information about how a divorce would work out and be ready to file. It is very important to know the standards your court uses to establish custody and use information to enhance a 50/50 split to 60/40 or even a 70/30. It can be done other men have gotten far more then 50/50 because they followed the guidelines listed by their state.

For example stability is very important so if you can buy her out and stat there your child will be in their childhood Holme and in the same social circle, church/etc, and schools. If a parent lives near by and can fill in when you are gone great yet another win. Then document meais prepared and house hold chores, you got a wining hand.

So the upside to be patient s you are there for her (in sickness and health) until she goes of the rails again. You also have time to get your game plan in action particularly the meals made and chores done,

Be well.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #21 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

Just let her go.imho SHE MADE A CHOICE TO BE GIRL FRIENDLY if she is wired that way it will only cause you more heartache in the long run unless you are happy with her swinging that way occasionally. Her sexuality is hers some people can fall for someone of the same sex apparently and it surprises them as much as it does.Personaly I would be less hurt because at least it wasn't another man but then Im probably different
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post #22 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 09:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

Update

It has been one month. She hasn't had a sip of alcohol and is completely weened off Prozac. She says her head is so much clearer now. She has been crying almost everyday thinking about what she did. We have been to 5 counseling sessions, all of them have went pretty well. The councelor suggested a book called Boundaries and a workbook that goes along with it. She is about halfway through both. I caught her upstairs with her head in the boundaries book crying. She said not only does she realize she had a drinking problem but she had a "me"(herself) problem. She is also attending celebrate recovery at a nearby church every week. She comes home really optimistic with the things shes learning about herself.

She still claims she is not a cheater and she just got into a funk with the Prozac and alcohol. Before all this she had come to me crying saying she didnt feel as if i loved her anymore, I kind of just shrugged her off and told her I was tired lately and stressed. We were starting to drift apart a little. She knows this and has only brought it up once, but she made if clear its not an excuse to accept attention from someone else.

Im actually really proud of the positive changes she is making. She is still saying she is never going to drink again, and seems excited about it. (her dad is an alcoholic.)

She was at her sisters two weeks. She has since come back and has been sleeping on the coach. She said she isnt going to give up til i have divorce papers in front of her. We set a date in counceling of June 22nd. If I am not feeling any better about this process of R then she will be moving out and I will be filing for divorce. That date is when her son goes to his dads for the summer and is done with school here.
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post #23 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 09:24 AM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

Totally a situation of "manipulative tactics to get you back".

saying she doesn't feel you loved her? check (cheater speak for I didn't think I loved YOU, Btw)
Cheated on you in less than 2 years of marriage? check
Drugs/alcohol? check
bipolar? good freaking grief. check

Dump her. Fast. Find another woman.

Totally easy, on paper. Not so easy in real life. Thing is------ DO IT. Divorce her.
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post #24 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

How long were the two of you dating before marriage? Im leaning heavily on agreeing with @evenrude58. Thing is if you weren't together for a total of like 4 years or less and things went south fast enough this happened it's going to happen again. Yes her problems contributed but even if she stops drinking there will still be underlying issues that really caused this, the alcohol only made it more likely.

I'm going to also state I know nothing about prozac and how it effects a person's decision making abilities or if it may have truly contributed to what happened. You should research that and heavily weight your decision on your findings. But shy of finding out it likely caused a mental state where she didn't know what she was doing, I say divorce her and move on. You have no kids together right? There will be plenty of better women to choose from out there.


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