Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!
I usually mention that my wife is bisexual and had a girlfriend for 30 years. Probably many do not believe me and that is OK. I am lucky because when my wife started to fantasize about women, she arranged a threesome with the object of her attention, her best friend, and me. She made sure that her girlfriend and I were compatible and since we all enjoyed the threesome so much, we continued it for 30 years with our girlfriend living with us for the first 7, and then on and off after she got married to a guy who was told about us prior to getting engaged.
Bisexuality is complicated and not just black or white. Robyn Ochs explains it the best;
“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”
Having had 4 bi girlfriends, including my wife, I agree with the above. It is not just wanting a woman in all areas of your life. For instance, my wife wants a man for marriage, romance and dating but needs a woman for companionship and needs both for full sexual enjoyment. She felt comfortable enough to tell me about her needs and then she worked it out so there was no cheating involved. You first need to know why your wife was attracted to a woman and why she felt that she had to cheat. Could be that she was afraid that you would divorce her if she told you that she was sexually attracted to woman. Might just have been a drunken night mixed with bi curiosity. My wife did not admit she was bi until she was 64 despite a few thousand sexual encounters with women over her lifetime. She still sometimes refers to bisexual sex as lesbian sex. That is how she was brought up and thinks that what she did with our girlfriend was part of our heterosexual sex which is why she always wanted me to be part of it.
Once you find out why she cheated with a woman, you next need to find out why she felt that she had to cheat. Just so you know, all cheaters will cry and promise never to do it again. However they have proven that they cannot be trusted and can easily lie to you, so take what they say with a grain of salt. Also know that cheaters usually cheat again. Every woman that cheated on me went on to cheat with others. I do not know anyone who just cheated once, even after they were caught. Also do not let her put the blame on you. Some will say that they cheated because their spouse did not do this or that, and forced them to cheat. You really need to get the core of it and the truth. If she is like my wife who needs a woman and a man in her life to be happy, you need to decide how to deal with it. I can tell you that a sex life that includes two women is not a bad way to live. Depends on how you feel about it, how secure you are, and if you can avoid becoming jealous. That is for you to decide. I gave up on monogamy as workable after my ex fiancee cheated on me followed by the rebound girlfriend cheating on me. What she did impacted me so deeply that I lived the rest of my life non monogamous so it was impossible for anyone to cheat on me. You can only cheat if there is a rule against it. I got rid of the rule so I could not be hurt by cheating again. I am lucky. My wife does not want to have sex with other guys. That was tested a few times and she wants no part of it. She will not have sex with a woman unless I take part and that was also tested. We either played with others as a couple or we did not play at all.
I believe that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. If they insist on monogamy, I can be monogamous, but if they cheat on me, there is no second chance. Trust is very important to me. I do believe that once a cheater, always a cheater because that has been my life experience. Never had a wife cheat on me so maybe I would be more willing to give a second chance to a wife due to the messiness of a divorce and the cost. With a girlfriend I just walked away and it did not cost me anything and I found a replacement quickly. I think you should try to save your marriage, but only if you can get a handle on your wife's sexuality and if she can live without a woman in her life. They all cry and say things to minimize what they did so you will never get the whole truth no matter how much they swears. I really never cared what they did or who they did it too. What was important is if I could ever trust them again. You can ask around here and learn that while you can forgive, you never can forget. It takes a very long time to regain trust and even then, it will never be the same as it was. You will forever be suspicious of your wife if she does things out of the ordinary or becomes secretive. She might grow to resent your suspicions. Sometimes that fact that she cheated may be thrown in her face during an intense argument. She may even say that if you treat her as if she is cheating she might as well cheat.
Personally I do not know if I can live with a knot in my stomach every time my wife came home late, went on a business trip or spent hours shopping without me if we were monogamous. I might give her another chance, but I would be very suspicious and that would probably drive her away again. It is a tough call. We worked it out and maybe you can too. I know everyone things I am horrible and all that but how many can say they are married for over 44 happy years? We worked it out and as my signature says, we made our own morality and did not box ourselves in by other's idea of morality in marriage. The goal is a happy marriage and not living it by a script. Good luck and know that we have known lots of couples with bi spouses and most made it work for them. Remember that it is cheating only if it breaks a rule you both agreed to. We just changed the rules.
Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
Last edited by Vinnydee; 02-21-2017 at 10:31 PM.