Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:16 AM Thread Starter
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Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

So my wife recently changed jobs(4months ago) and started working with a lesbian. She talked about her a few times, but i didnt think anything of it. She went out with all her friends one right and came home pretty late. She seemed really off in the morning and said she had to tell me something. She proceeded to tell me the lesbian women kissed her goodbye on the lips and hopes im ok with that. I was basically like "ok whatever." I had a feeling there was more to the story but didnt push it to much. Fast foward 3 weeks(today). Im sitting watching golf and the lesbians gf is starts blowing up my fb messenger about how her gf and my wife have been sneeking around and hiding texts on a texting app. She sent me about 10 screen shots of the texts. I only had to read a few to start shaking and having a mild panic attack. It was the whole "I cant wait to see you tomorrow" "ive been thinking about kissing you all day'' "you need to kiss me today at work"

The thing is we are really close and love each other so much. She tells me daily how great i am and how happy she is. This is why im in totally shock. I confronted her and she broke down instantly and said she been feeling guilty and has wanted to tell me. The thing is i found out she was with her just her 2 days ago. So i find that hard to believe.

She is saying she will do anything to save our marriage and family. She will even lock her phone so she can only call and text 5 numbers. Never drink again. Whatever she can for me trust her again. Whatever she can so we can try to eventually get past this.

At least she didnt really deny anything and is in bad shape right now. She says the never did anything but kiss. That she couldnt do anymore without me, she would feel to guilty.

My instant reaction was divorce. Im still thinking though because i love her and she loves me and she is devistated she hurt me, which she did, badly. Reading those texts was horrifying. Thats stuff she is supposed to and does say to me. I kicked her out, she is at her sisters tonight.


Last edited by 71bgol; 02-20-2017 at 04:50 AM.
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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:23 AM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

Is this the same wife from 2013/2014 who "doesn't want to try anymore"?

I'd say they did more than kiss, but who knows - a kiss only takes a few seconds. She is bisexual and cheating is cheating - so TRY to NOT take the gender of her AP as a personal attack on your manhood.

She of course is regretting getting caught and the affair is fresh. The first thing on the list she should have said was "I'll change jobs".

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:40 AM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

All this BS about being sorry, it's being sorry she got caught.

You know that her telling you that she kissed the coworker was getting your permission to continue on with the A? Wasn't feeling too guilty then but was capable of testing your reaction with a sugarcoated story and taking your reaction to this false premise as you being ok with it. (or you being indifferent so she deserves attention or whatever BS her brain may have come up to justify her actions)

If you hadn't found out she would still go on with it.

Her not offering to leave her workplace means contact with her AP regardless what numbers are blocked on her phone (and a burner phone is not difficult to come by). And if she works she can't block her workplace from calling her so there could be contact over landline or AP changes numbers or whatever. Not speaking of secret email accounts and other applications.

And after this your M is threatened by other men AND women, so if you try to R you will be even more vigilant and it's even harder to get the trust back and makes R more likely to fail.

My advice would be to follow your first reaction and be done with it.
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post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 07:13 AM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

So is this the same wife from your previous threads?
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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

She is not the first wife. I found someone shortly after we divorced who was going through the same thing I was. She was cheated on as well. Then a year and two months into our marriage she does it to me. Thats another reason im in shock.

Sorry she stated she would quit her job, and was going to email her boss last night. I told her to hold off til we figure things out. she called in today.
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post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

I'm sorry 71, but you seem to have a track record picking the wrong women.....honestly i think you need to leave her brother, she is either in denial of her own sexuality and or she is has not found in you what she needs to be happy...to be doing this in less than two years of marriage tells me that something is very wrong and you need to move on.
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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

Yeah, you've got problems with hair on them my friend.
So sorry to hear this, you are still a newlywed for goodness sake.
I'm glad you sent her out of the house.
Take your time to think this one through. You are in no hurry.
R or D at this point are both BIG decisions that deserve plenty of thought and research.

Keep posting so we can help you. Hugs!

Ciao,

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post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 12:13 PM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

She's cheating this early on in the marriage?

No....uh uh....

File for divorce. This one is a lemon.
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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

I'm sorry but I agree with the others. This new and she is already doing this. You just got your best view of what the future will be like with her. Don't let her quit her job. Divorce her.

I'm sorry.
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post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

I tend to agree. I'm going to take my time to think about things though. I really love her but logical side says i'm setting myself up for heartbreak again.

She does seem so sincere tho. In all shes a good person that screwed up big time. She is good with my kids and loves them.

I messed up and she came over and talked. We ended up having sex and we both cried after. Which is a new thing to me because i pretty much never cry. It obviously was a terrible idea. She was destroyed seeing me cry. She almost had a panic attack.

Im not sure how to proceed. Should we not be talking at all. Even if seeing how things go and counseling is still on the table.

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post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 06:18 PM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

Quote:
Originally Posted by 71bgol View Post
I tend to agree. I'm going to take my time to think about things though. I really love her but logical side says i'm setting myself up for heartbreak again.

She does seem so sincere tho. In all shes a good person that screwed up big time. She is good with my kids and loves them.

I messed up and she came over and talked. We ended up having sex and we both cried after. Which is a new thing to me because i pretty much never cry. It obviously was a terrible idea. She was destroyed seeing me cry. She almost had a panic attack.

Im not sure how to proceed. Should we not be talking at all. Even if seeing how things go and counseling is still on the table.
Others seem to know, but I don't so I'll ask—how long have you two been married?

IMO, you shouldn't be talking outside of counseling, at least until you two can sort out what you both want. You should definitely not be having sex, but I think that experience taught you that if nothing else.

Ask if she'll go to counseling with you and see what she says. I'd also say that you should stay out of the same home for a while, even after counseling and if you two decide to really work on things.
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post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 06:24 PM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

I usually mention that my wife is bisexual and had a girlfriend for 30 years. Probably many do not believe me and that is OK. I am lucky because when my wife started to fantasize about women, she arranged a threesome with the object of her attention, her best friend, and me. She made sure that her girlfriend and I were compatible and since we all enjoyed the threesome so much, we continued it for 30 years with our girlfriend living with us for the first 7, and then on and off after she got married to a guy who was told about us prior to getting engaged.

Bisexuality is complicated and not just black or white. Robyn Ochs explains it the best;

“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

Having had 4 bi girlfriends, including my wife, I agree with the above. It is not just wanting a woman in all areas of your life. For instance, my wife wants a man for marriage, romance and dating but needs a woman for companionship and needs both for full sexual enjoyment. She felt comfortable enough to tell me about her needs and then she worked it out so there was no cheating involved. You first need to know why your wife was attracted to a woman and why she felt that she had to cheat. Could be that she was afraid that you would divorce her if she told you that she was sexually attracted to woman. Might just have been a drunken night mixed with bi curiosity. My wife did not admit she was bi until she was 64 despite a few thousand sexual encounters with women over her lifetime. She still sometimes refers to bisexual sex as lesbian sex. That is how she was brought up and thinks that what she did with our girlfriend was part of our heterosexual sex which is why she always wanted me to be part of it.

Once you find out why she cheated with a woman, you next need to find out why she felt that she had to cheat. Just so you know, all cheaters will cry and promise never to do it again. However they have proven that they cannot be trusted and can easily lie to you, so take what they say with a grain of salt. Also know that cheaters usually cheat again. Every woman that cheated on me went on to cheat with others. I do not know anyone who just cheated once, even after they were caught. Also do not let her put the blame on you. Some will say that they cheated because their spouse did not do this or that, and forced them to cheat. You really need to get the core of it and the truth. If she is like my wife who needs a woman and a man in her life to be happy, you need to decide how to deal with it. I can tell you that a sex life that includes two women is not a bad way to live. Depends on how you feel about it, how secure you are, and if you can avoid becoming jealous. That is for you to decide. I gave up on monogamy as workable after my ex fiancee cheated on me followed by the rebound girlfriend cheating on me. What she did impacted me so deeply that I lived the rest of my life non monogamous so it was impossible for anyone to cheat on me. You can only cheat if there is a rule against it. I got rid of the rule so I could not be hurt by cheating again. I am lucky. My wife does not want to have sex with other guys. That was tested a few times and she wants no part of it. She will not have sex with a woman unless I take part and that was also tested. We either played with others as a couple or we did not play at all.

I believe that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. If they insist on monogamy, I can be monogamous, but if they cheat on me, there is no second chance. Trust is very important to me. I do believe that once a cheater, always a cheater because that has been my life experience. Never had a wife cheat on me so maybe I would be more willing to give a second chance to a wife due to the messiness of a divorce and the cost. With a girlfriend I just walked away and it did not cost me anything and I found a replacement quickly. I think you should try to save your marriage, but only if you can get a handle on your wife's sexuality and if she can live without a woman in her life. They all cry and say things to minimize what they did so you will never get the whole truth no matter how much they swears. I really never cared what they did or who they did it too. What was important is if I could ever trust them again. You can ask around here and learn that while you can forgive, you never can forget. It takes a very long time to regain trust and even then, it will never be the same as it was. You will forever be suspicious of your wife if she does things out of the ordinary or becomes secretive. She might grow to resent your suspicions. Sometimes that fact that she cheated may be thrown in her face during an intense argument. She may even say that if you treat her as if she is cheating she might as well cheat.

Personally I do not know if I can live with a knot in my stomach every time my wife came home late, went on a business trip or spent hours shopping without me if we were monogamous. I might give her another chance, but I would be very suspicious and that would probably drive her away again. It is a tough call. We worked it out and maybe you can too. I know everyone things I am horrible and all that but how many can say they are married for over 44 happy years? We worked it out and as my signature says, we made our own morality and did not box ourselves in by other's idea of morality in marriage. The goal is a happy marriage and not living it by a script. Good luck and know that we have known lots of couples with bi spouses and most made it work for them. Remember that it is cheating only if it breaks a rule you both agreed to. We just changed the rules.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 02-21-2017 at 10:31 PM.
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post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 07:05 PM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

I see no difference what the sex of the affair partner is, sex outside of marriage is sex outside of marriage. If you can honor your vows and not act on your attraction to another man, I am not sure why it is any more difficult to do the same for your attractions for a woman.

So OP you should just pick one of the recent threads posted by one of the men here in the same situation. Seems like very many modern women now come with a lack of ability to live up to their word.

The best thing for you to do is detach and then reassess. Meaning she leaves for a few months and you try to separate your emotions for what is the logical choice. I got to tell you though one year out and she is already cheating, not a good sign, it would be easier to just start over, it's a few years of your life, not 20. She probably has very poor boundaries. You probably have no idea who this women really is or what she has done in the past. Cheaters are good at hiding it. It's in their nature.

More importantly something is wrong with your picker. I suspect you are not very assertive, cheaters can smell that from a mile away. The fact that she can tell you someone from work kisses her on the lips and you shrug is the tip off. You will need to figure out if I am right or whatever it is and correct that before moving on.

Though I have to admit that this is becoming so common on here that I am beginning to think maybe this is kind of standard operation procedure now. I mean it's no secret that this kind of behavior has celebrated in articles, tv and movies for a long time. There are any number of articles that seem to give the women a pass on it. It is especially celebrated in women's magazines. Maybe the zeitgeist has just finally spread to the ordinary every women. Not all but a lot.

Did she quit her job yet?

Last edited by sokillme; 02-20-2017 at 08:52 PM.
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post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 08:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

No, i told her to keep her job. She is going to need it if we divorce.
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post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 07:54 AM
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Re: Wife cheated on me with female coworder. Im shock!

Quote:
Originally Posted by 71bgol View Post
I tend to agree. I'm going to take my time to think about things though. I really love her but logical side says i'm setting myself up for heartbreak again.

She does seem so sincere tho. In all shes a good person that screwed up big time. She is good with my kids and loves them.

I messed up and she came over and talked. We ended up having sex and we both cried after. Which is a new thing to me because i pretty much never cry. It obviously was a terrible idea. She was destroyed seeing me cry. She almost had a panic attack.

I'm not sure how to proceed. Should we not be talking at all. Even if seeing how things go and counseling is still on the table.
Yeah...she came, and pushed your buttons and got you to have sex with her as a way to win you back. She knows how to manipulate you. She acts sincere and sorry and that is supposed to make everything fine. You had a panic attack because you knew you were allowing yourself to be manipulated and exploited. Consensual rape is the closest image that comes to my mind. Your wife is a predator.

71 you must step back and look at the big picture. You and your wife are, ostensibly, still on your honeymoon and already she is engaging in an affair. Truth is, you don't know what she has been doing all this time. The rabbit hole may be much deeper than you suspect.

I think its great that she is good with your kids. Wonderful. That's fine and dandy. But that is not a reason to stay with her. She is not married to your kids. She is not their wife.

Marriage requires more than just love and good sex to be a successful marriage. A marriage requires the following:

TRUST.....she failed....

LOYALTY....she failed...

HONESTY...she failed....

INTEGRITY....fail....

EMPATHY....big fail...

ENDURANCE...fail...

COMMITMENT....total fail...

LOVE...questionable...


Be honest with yourself. How has she succeeded in any way in this marriage so far?
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