I've been lurking here for a month now, and I'm finally ready to truly join this group.
A month ago, my husband (29) told me (28) he is no longer in love with me. We have been together for 10 years and married for 6. Our entire adult lives have been spent together. I was devastated. I thought that our marriage was strong- unbreakable even. I adore him and always felt it was mutual. Our sex life was good, we laughed together often, and he told me he loved me all the time. Hearing that he didn't love me anymore was the breaking of an immutable law by which I lived my life. He says that he needs to figure some things out and have some space. He's unable to define what these things are, how long he needs, or what space even means, except that it's to be away from me.
Since that time, he's become a ghost. He has left and is living with his 18 year old sister, her boyfriend, and their roommates, all under the age of 25. This includes a very beautiful 21 year old who he has become friends with, but insists there is nothing going on. I'm not sure what I believe, since everything else I thought was true about him and about us has been turned on it's head. Our 6 year old son doesn't understand where Daddy is or why he's not coming home. I am spending every ounce of my energy keeping things as normal as possible for our son.
I've read several books since finding out, including Divorce Remedy, Crazy Time, and Runaway Husbands. All have been valuable in telling me that I am not alone, and that there are things I can do to be okay. I am trying the 180, although it's hard with an absentee husband, with varying success. Some days, my husband comes home or calls me and it's as if nothing has changed. Other times he disappears for days without contacting me at all.
This week, I'm sending my son to stay with my Mom over school vacation. He will be gone for 5 days, which is the longest he's ever been away from home. My husband disappeared on Saturday. Sunday morning, as we were leaving to go to the gym, he rode past the house on his bike. My son called out to him, but he just kept going. I sent a message saying "we just saw you ride past the house, Son yelled to you". He replied saying that he had been having a panic attack that morning and was just out for a bike ride, followed up by telling me not to call him a piece of sh*t because he already knows he is.
It was one of the most bizarre things I've ever encountered. He has been a wonderful father. My son was completely confused. After those messages, my husband went dark. He didn't come home, and he didn't contact me again. I sent one more message, stating that I was sorry he was in pain, that I won't abandon him, and that he could call our son at my Mom's if he wanted to talk to him while he was gone. I expect that while our son is gone, he won't come to our house at all. In fact, I'm not certain if he'll ever come back now.
I have a lot of theories about what is going on with him. The part of me that believes in him and has hope that he will come back is hopeful this is a terrible bout of depression that has rattled his brain and made him irrational. Although he's said several times through all of this that he's a bad person, an assh*le, a disappointment, I have not agreed with him once. Even though I'm deeply hurt by his actions, I know that ultimately they aren't about me. I know the mistakes I've made as a wife, and regardless of whether or not we work things out, I'm seeing a therapist to work on those things and be better as a human.
The uncertainty of my future is eating away at me. I have an anxiety attack every single morning at 5am. It's like my new alarm clock. Then, I lie in my bed and play a game of Schrodinger's Cat with myself. As long as I don't get up, my husband is both out on the couch sleeping and not at home. Until I look, both realities are possible. It crushes me when I wake up and he's not here. It crushes me when he is. Every interaction feels strained and his tension at being in the same room as me is palpable. I feel like I've split into two different versions of myself. There is one who has accepted that this is likely the end of my marriage and it's time to move on. There is another who clings to the barest of hopes.
My husband has said that it "most likely won't work out" but he'll let me know when all hope is gone. I feel like I'm being strung along, and that he expected me to leave immediately when he dropped the bomb. Instead, I've doubled down on being committed to our marriage and trying to make things work, and I think he's racked with guilt. I wish he'd just let me go if he doesn't intend on fixing this. I'd rather take the final blow of heartbreak and piece my life back together. I've lost so much trust, and if we do come through this I have no idea how we will recover. I am trying not to get ahead of myself and live day by day, but I get crushed by the fear of what is coming next.