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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 09:39 AM Thread Starter
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Focus

Hi,

I fear it is too late to save my marriage. She is talking of moving out shortly to get space.

I am typical of many, I didn't see it coming. I would describe myself as being in utter shock and devestation. I need to schedule another session with my counsellor but that will talk a week or more (this time of year they are very busy apparently).

I can't focus on anything at the moment, I can't even sit and read a book, not sleeping well and have lost a bit of weight over the past two weeks. I saw my local doctor and he effectively said I need to put my shoulders back and face the world like man.

My question is, what have been people's coping strategies through such times, particularly how to get through the work day and focus. I fear the loss of focus will cost me my job.

Regards,

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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: Focus

Many of us here have been through the same thing. So take heart that you are not alone. Few of us (males especially) see it coming. So it is very difficult when it does happen. But again know you are not alone. In the meantime, you have to push your self to get through this time. All I can advise you to do is to stay busy. The pain and the loneliness and the desperation will be there, but push it to the background and find things to keep your mind and you body occupied. Something sedentary like reading a book may not be enough. Perhaps join a gym or take long walks to clear your head. Another piece of advice that I can give you (and you will hear from others) is to focus on your self. Allow your self to turn inwards so that you can rediscover who you are and what you want. One of the real treasures that come from a break up, is that now you have the opportunity to remake yourself. Don't try to rebuild, allow your self to tear it all down and build anew. What is something that you have always wanted to do? Go do it! Action (and the achievement it brings) will help you on your way. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: Focus

What were her stated reasons for leaving?

Does she have another man in-the-wings? Her wings?
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ......
Sometimes women bottle up their frustration for a long time. Then one day they say .....Enough!

They pull the trigger and move out. They leave abruptly. The signs were all there. You chose to ignore them.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .......

Sometimes they re-write the marriage, to save face. To save their face and lips for another man. They lie to save face; Yes!... to hide an affair.

Is this a possibility?

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 11:09 AM
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Re: Focus

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I know exactly how you feel. I just separated from my fiance and I'm experiencing the same feelings you are. . .you are not alone!

I'm struggling with coping as well, but for me I'm just trying to focus on today and more specifically the moment. This is giving me the strength to do the difficult things I know I need to do. I find that when I think beyond today I become scared and sad and that's when I start to shut down and not be productive.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck!

Last edited by Niffer; 02-26-2017 at 11:44 AM.
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Focus

Hi, she originally said her reason for space is that she didn't feel like she was the centre of my world. Upon reflection it's the exact opposite. I have not been the centre of her world for a long time (5 years or so).

Yes she has another interest, she said she is having an emotional affair, she has also not given any indication she wants it to stop or that she wants to work on our marriage. She came back from her counsellor the other day and announced that she realises I am not her best friend, that role is someone else.. . that is another guy she works with (not the emotional affair guy).

She has just moved out for a few weeks and then who knows what happens after that, I believe she will look for something else.

I am having a tough time coming to grips with all of it. My work is suffering as I can't concentrate. I am taking this week off work to try and get my head together. I will feel ok for an hour or so, and then I will feel like the world is caving in for an hour or two and the cycle continues.

While everyone is different how do people get through this tough bit? how long does it last? I need to get my head back into my work and concentrate.
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:22 PM
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Re: Focus

First of all talk to your boss. They usually understand. Second, join a gym and start exercising it'll help clear your mind. You can't concentrate on two things at once.

If you're smart you'll file as soon as she separates. Separation is for her to spend time with her other man.

Laying around in limbo will not get you much except more wasted life you can't get back.

If you were wanting to try and save this exposure is about you're only weapon.

Being weak and affraid is your worst enemy. Unless as your doctor recommended you can "man up" you'll just linger longer.

Do not contact her at all. The worst thing you can do. You chase they move farther away. That goes for long stupid letters pouring your heart out as well.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:26 PM
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Re: Focus

Quote:
Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Hi, she originally said her reason for space is that she didn't feel like she was the centre of my world. Upon reflection it's the exact opposite. I have not been the centre of her world for a long time (5 years or so).

Yes she has another interest, she said she is having an emotional affair, she has also not given any indication she wants it to stop or that she wants to work on our marriage. She came back from her counsellor the other day and announced that she realises I am not her best friend, that role is someone else.. . that is another guy she works with (not the emotional affair guy).

She has just moved out for a few weeks and then who knows what happens after that, I believe she will look for something else.

I am having a tough time coming to grips with all of it. My work is suffering as I can't concentrate. I am taking this week off work to try and get my head together. I will feel ok for an hour or so, and then I will feel like the world is caving in for an hour or two and the cycle continues.

While everyone is different how do people get through this tough bit? how long does it last? I need to get my head back into my work and concentrate.
When they admit to an emotional affair it's usually physical as well. Although most betrayed spouse cling to the hope it isn't because they want to live in denial. Usually intimacy is cut off from the spouse s o as not to cheat on the other man.

Better wake up
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:28 PM
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Re: Focus

All the advice in the world will do you no good unless you apply it.

No one is going to fix this for you. You have to.

Wake up to where you are.
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 11:34 PM
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Re: Focus

Talk to your boss...but you can't let it interfere with your job....got to leave the BS at the door...Focus on 1 minute at a time...try to change up your routine and see what interests you and see if you can get involved...
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: Focus

I recommend lots of exercise. Join a running group where you can get some exercise and socialize

It's good for the mood.

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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:54 AM
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Re: Focus

FB, will your doctor prescribe an antidepressant or anti anxiety? Zoloft works great.

If your doc won't do that then find a new doc.
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:24 PM
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Re: Focus

^This is what I was going to say.

Short or even longer acting anti-anxiety meds to get you to a level of functioning again, and then slowly but steadily everything else will fall into place.

Sounds like you have a very unsympathetic primary care physician who might not be so quick to rx'd the meds.
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Focus

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
First of all talk to your boss. They usually understand. Second, join a gym and start exercising it'll help clear your mind. You can't concentrate on two things at once.

If you're smart you'll file as soon as she separates. Separation is for her to spend time with her other man.

Laying around in limbo will not get you much except more wasted life you can't get back.

If you were wanting to try and save this exposure is about you're only weapon.

Being weak and affraid is your worst enemy. Unless as your doctor recommended you can "man up" you'll just linger longer.

Do not contact her at all. The worst thing you can do. You chase they move farther away. That goes for long stupid letters pouring your heart out as well.
This. DO NOT wait around in limbo. Expose her affair to friends and family, and give her an ultimatum. She ends all contact, starting with a do not contact letter to her affair partner, and she agrees to be 100% transparent with you. She agrees to work on the marriage by going to counseling with you, spending time with you, etc. How does she know OM? If it's through her work, she'll need to find another job.

If she doesn't do this, separate immediately and go dark. No contact with her. She'll quickly realize that you're not going to be her Plan B and that she's on her own. Since most affairs thrive on secrecy, you'll bust up their fantasy world and effectively tell the OM he can have her, and in most cases, that isn't what he wanted at all. He likely just wanted the "fun" and thrill of the affair.

I bet that once you have this plan and begin implementing it, your mental health will improve quickly.
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:35 PM
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Re: Focus

file immediately. time will heal - it always does. Right now you are the only one that can get yourself on track. It starts with filing. No one will come knocking on your door to save you.

A wise poster here has said to me -

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: Focus

heres the other thing - even if you want her back - your immediate path is the same. File for D
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