I met my fiancť almost 4 years ago while volunteering. We started hanging out together and became the best of friends. We had a lot in common, and just always had fun. It was so easy being together. We would tell each other things we never talked about with other people. People we didnít know would ask how long weíd been together or engaged. When weíd say we were just friends, people were surprised. After 3 months of friendship he told me he liked me more than just a friend. He said in all his life he had never had a friend like me, and never had feelings like he had for me; He could truly be himself. I felt EXACTLY the same way about him.
He had been married twice and had a kid by his first wife. While we were friends he talked a lot about his exís and he disclosed things to me he had never told anyone before. His first marriage was to a woman he had been dating off and on for 4 years. They had just gotten back together, but a week later he realized what a mistake he had made and broke it off. She told him she was pregnant. . .so they got married. Shortly after they divorced he got together with another woman that he dated off and on for two years. When he went to break it off with her she told him she was pregnant. . .so they got married. Long story short there was never a baby, and they divorced just a few months later.
Iíve never been married, and outside of my college years, have never dated anyone for long. I havenít really dated that much to be honest. I donít have children Ė kids are great, but just not for me Ė but I do have 2 fur babies. Iíve always been fiscally responsible, held a good job since college, and enjoyed hanging out with friends.
After the day we became more than friends, we spent almost all our time together. We moved in together after 4 months, and got engage after 9 months. It was right away that the troubles began. His first ex would call him all the time. Tell him to do this or that, or that she needed money, or to drop the kid at this time and place instead of the arrangement in the parenting plan. He was annoyed Ė and complained about her shenanigans even when we were friends Ė but always complied because he wanted to keep the peace and avoid drama. There is so much more I could add here, but I donít want to make this a novel.
I had big issues with this, and found myself becoming insecure. And this insecurity spread to everything about his past. I had never felt like this before and didnít know how to handle it. Iím embarrassed and ashamed to admit this, but in the beginning I would get so angry and judge him and ask him how he could let these things happen. I was no longer the supportive, non-judgmental friend. I was manipulating him with my judgement and the way I spoke. I didnít mean to, it was unintentionally, and at the time I didnít realize I was doing it. Things got a little better over time, but it never went away. He was so patient with me, and would talk with me (heís a great communicator) and tried to help me. He told me he knew I wasnít doing these things on purpose, but it hurt him and made him feel not loved and respected.
Of course I tried to change because I didnít want him thinking this. It just wasnít (isnít) true; I loved him (and still do) and I could see my issues, and I wanted to fix them. I even went to a therapist for a little while. He offered to go with me, but I thought it was best to go alone at this time. My actions did not match my words and I wanted to change and understand why. Iím afraid, I feel insecure, I feel like Iím not important enough - this always caused me to put my needs before his. All of this is ridicules for so many reasons. His words and actions proved me wrong every time, so why did I feel this way? I got a little better over time, and I would try to fix the things that were broken inside me. But my biggest issue was when the kid came to our home. Heís a good kid actually, and although he has his issues, he never gave us any grief or trouble. But it was difficult for me to have him around, and I would change even though I tried so hard just to be myself and act normal.
We called off our engagement a week ago today. I am still in our apartment for another two weeks. Thatís when the apartment Iím moving into becomes available. I was laid off last summer and still donít have a job. My family lives far away, and Iíve lost almost all my friends over the past few years. Iíve made a mess of my life and the life of someone I love deeply. I donít understand why I couldnít fix myself when I first started noticing this horrible behavior in me. Itís not that I didnít try (and Iím trying now), or want to try, but I never stuck with it. . .why? I donít know how Iím going to get through the next 2 weeks here with him. I still love him, and want to be strong for him because I know this is what he wants and itís the best thing for him. But itís killing me!! I still want to try. I believe I can change, and I want to be the person for him that he has been for me. . .the person that he always wanted and needed me to be. I have not tried, nor do I intend to try to get him to take me back. I want him to have a happy and healthy life. Right now he has stress in all areas of his life and I just want to help him. Iím having a difficult time being strong and that makes me feel selfish, which as part of our problems.
Anyway, thank you for letting me vent and tell my story! Thank you for any helpful insights, constructive feedback, and thoughts. And sorry for the length of this post!