Am I foolish for not being more angry over this? - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 14Likes
  • 1 Post By Lostinthought61
  • 7 Post By FeministInPink
  • 1 Post By EleGirl
  • 3 Post By Pluto2
  • 1 Post By jb02157
  • 1 Post By david bardell
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 01:43 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 1
Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

Hi everyone,

Apologies for any spelling or grammar errors. I'm on my mobile device.

So, after a year of my husband and I having issues and getting nowhere, I moved out. I moved less than a mile away, so I was nearby should anything happen.

Anyway, two weeks after I moved out, we met up for dinner, got into an argument, and then a few days later my husband said he was filing for divorce. Another two weeks after that he began seeing someone else. This relationship lasted two months, and he did have sex with her during this time.

Eventually he came to me asking for discernment counseling because he realized the other woman wasn't me, and he wanted to see if this could be salvaged.

Anyway, I did not know about the dating until the first week of January. He never admitted to sleeping with her until last week when we were in discernment counseling. It only came up because I said I would not be interested in reconciling if he slept with her. This caused an uproar in our counseling because my husband told the therapist i knew he had slept with the other person. My husband justified his uproar with the line, "I thought it was implied."

So, I will admit: I am not inclined to reconcile given that I know now he slept with her. However, I'm not angry about it. I view it as he told me he was filing for divorce, and then went out and started seeing someone else.

Should I care more about this? Should I be angry? This just confirmed that he is not someone I want to waste any further time on, but even the counseler was kind of shocked I wasn't angry. He said it is cheating, and I have every right to be upset about it...But I just can't be bothered to waste the energy.

Lamelia is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:00 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,911
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

Implied or not.........no one can force you to stay married, he can ***** and yell all he wants, he is going to view it the way he wants anyway, so at this point, i would just tell him that you will only communicate with him in regards to the divorce or the family and that is it. I think mentally you are ready to move on and he is not. i wish you luck
Lostinthought61 is online now  
post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:11 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 4,959
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

@Lamelia, if you're not upset but expect fidelity in a marriage (which you clearly do), then it sounds like you're totally checked out of the relationship and ready to divorce.

Oh, and if he slept with another woman--breaking his marital vows--then he has no right to be upset with you for saying that you aren't interested in reconciling if he slept with this other woman. He's pulling the basic cheater MO and expects you to overlook it and take him back. His line of "it was implied" is total BS. If you love your wife, you don't go sleeping with other women. You weren't divorced, you had just separated and he hadn't even filed... so it's cheating. If he wants you back, he should be begging for forgiveness for his infidelity--not pitching a temper tantrum when you state your boundaries and stick to them.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
 
post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:26 PM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,362
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

Once he put you on notice that he was filing for divorce, and since you were already separated, he - and you, too - were free to see others, IMO. Yes, it is implied that sex is part of seeing others. So, in that, he's correct. Of course, you don't have to accept it, don't have to get back together, and don't have any real reason to be angry. That you're not angry is probably a sign that for you, the marriage is over anyway.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:37 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 31,695
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

I disagree that once you were separated and told you that he was going to file for divorce, than it's ok for him to see and have sex with other women.

How did you find out about him seeing this other person.

He might have said that he was filing for divorce, but he did not. As you can see, this is a messy time in a relationship and people change their minds, say one thing and do another.

A few states still care about adultery and it affects the divorce outcome. In these states, that means that if a person has sex with anyone but their spouse until the day that the divorce is final, it's adultery and can affect the divorced settlement.

If you live in one of those states, and you know about the infidelity and you have sex with him, by law you have forgiven him for he adultery... it basically neutralizes the adultery in terms of the divorce.

In those states, lawyers will often tell an adulterer to get their spouse to have sex with them. That way the betrayed spouse cannot use the adultery in the divorce.

Maybe the reason he's upset is that if he was playing a game like this, he just lost.

So.. is your state allow for at-fault divorce with adultery as the cause?
EleGirl is offline  
post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:40 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 31,695
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

No you are not foolish for not being more upset. What it tells you is that you are emotionally done with your husband.
EleGirl is offline  
post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 06:21 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,125
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

I think its always fine to not be angry - it lets you make a clear rational decision.

In relationships you need to think about what matters to *you*, not how other people would think about a situation. You should care about the things that matter to you, and not waste emotional energy on those that don't.
uhtred is online now  
post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 07:14 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 117
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lamelia View Post
Hi everyone,

Apologies for any spelling or grammar errors. I'm on my mobile device.

So, after a year of my husband and I having issues and getting nowhere, I moved out. I moved less than a mile away, so I was nearby should anything happen.

Anyway, two weeks after I moved out, we met up for dinner, got into an argument, and then a few days later my husband said he was filing for divorce. Another two weeks after that he began seeing someone else. This relationship lasted two months, and he did have sex with her during this time.

Eventually he came to me asking for discernment counseling because he realized the other woman wasn't me, and he wanted to see if this could be salvaged.

Anyway, I did not know about the dating until the first week of January. He never admitted to sleeping with her until last week when we were in discernment counseling. It only came up because I said I would not be interested in reconciling if he slept with her. This caused an uproar in our counseling because my husband told the therapist i knew he had slept with the other person. My husband justified his uproar with the line, "I thought it was implied."

So, I will admit: I am not inclined to reconcile given that I know now he slept with her. However, I'm not angry about it. I view it as he told me he was filing for divorce, and then went out and started seeing someone else.

Should I care more about this? Should I be angry? This just confirmed that he is not someone I want to waste any further time on, but even the counseler was kind of shocked I wasn't angry. He said it is cheating, and I have every right to be upset about it...But I just can't be bothered to waste the energy.
There seems to be a disconnect here. You write that when it came up in therapy it "caused an uproar" and yet later say you aren't angry. Was the uproar entirely on his side? That seems unlikely since in his mind he was free to do what he wanted since he told you he was filing for divorce. You had to have, rightfully so in my opinion, at least been upset when you found out he had slept with another woman for it to lead to anything close to an uproar.

Regardless, if you don't feel anything, you don't feel anything. There's no reason for any of us to tell you that you should feel more if you don't feel it for yourself. Be careful though that this isn't apathy caused by a lack of energy and that it won't flare up later.

What were the issues in the marriage? When you moved out were you thinking it was over or did you have hopes for reconciliation? If you were done, I don't think it's that odd that you wouldn't feel much. However, all evidence (you being open to discernment counseling and there being an uproar over his cheating) points toward you having some uncertainty at the very least about what you want from this.

Sorry you're here and your marriage has gotten to this point.
golfpanther is offline  
post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 09:05 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,114
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lamelia View Post
Hi everyone,

Apologies for any spelling or grammar errors. I'm on my mobile device.

So, after a year of my husband and I having issues and getting nowhere, I moved out. I moved less than a mile away, so I was nearby should anything happen.

Anyway, two weeks after I moved out, we met up for dinner, got into an argument, and then a few days later my husband said he was filing for divorce. Another two weeks after that he began seeing someone else. This relationship lasted two months, and he did have sex with her during this time.

Eventually he came to me asking for discernment counseling because he realized the other woman wasn't me, and he wanted to see if this could be salvaged.

Anyway, I did not know about the dating until the first week of January. He never admitted to sleeping with her until last week when we were in discernment counseling. It only came up because I said I would not be interested in reconciling if he slept with her. This caused an uproar in our counseling because my husband told the therapist i knew he had slept with the other person. My husband justified his uproar with the line, "I thought it was implied."

So, I will admit: I am not inclined to reconcile given that I know now he slept with her. However, I'm not angry about it. I view it as he told me he was filing for divorce, and then went out and started seeing someone else.

Should I care more about this? Should I be angry? This just confirmed that he is not someone I want to waste any further time on, but even the counseler was kind of shocked I wasn't angry. He said it is cheating, and I have every right to be upset about it...But I just can't be bothered to waste the energy.
My feeling is when you separate into different houses you might as well divorce. Now it would have been nice if your husband waited but even more reason to divorce.
sokillme is online now  
post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 09:21 PM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 464
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

You are normal. When you know it is over there is nothing to get angry about. Usually anger stems from a lingering feeling of love. You love someone but cannot live without him or feel that your love was betrayed. I had a girlfriend for 5 years and we got engaged right before I went to fight in Vietnam. She cheated on me while I was in combat. That is the lowest thing I can think of. The only reason I was there was so that we could afford to get married when and if I got home.

Being away though made me realize that she was not the one for me. Her family taught I was not good enough for their daughter. They said that they wanted her to become a doctor or lawyer. She liked having sex a lot but did not enjoy it much. So by the time I got home, I just asked for the ring back. Did not even ask who she cheated with and she was nice enough to have sex with me for two weeks after going a year without sex with a human. I just was not angry. Anger allows the other person to control your emotions after they are out of your life. While they are not thinking about you, you are thinking about them and getting angrier. You did the smart thing. Good for you.

BTW, she did not become anything but a drug addict and mentally ill, as a result. She cheated on boyfriends and her husband. The problem with her enjoying sex was solved when she married a woman. Seems that she was not good enough for me. I went on to have a successful career and 44 year marriage. She gained so much weight that I did not recognize her anymore. I view this as the best thing that happened to me since it was responsible for me meeting my wife.


Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 07:30 AM
Member
 
Pluto2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4,608
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

No you're not foolish, just no longer emotionally invested in the relationship. I agree with you (although obviously not everyone) that sleeping with another before an actual divorce is not acceptable, unless explicitly agreed on. He apparently wanted some options and is mad at you for not agreeing with his choice. Too bad.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
Pluto2 is offline  
post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 11:12 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,419
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pluto2 View Post
No you're not foolish, just no longer emotionally invested in the relationship. I agree with you (although obviously not everyone) that sleeping with another before an actual divorce is not acceptable, unless explicitly agreed on. He apparently wanted some options and is mad at you for not agreeing with his choice. Too bad.
Ditto
Cooper is online now  
post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 11:48 AM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,031
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

Why do you need to be angry, it gave you what you needed to guarantee that you would not be interested in reconciling. In that regard, perhaps it was a good thing. The only reason you would be angry is if you were still thinking about reconciling after this happened.

It's pretty messed up that he starting seeing other women only days after you left. I think this was his main goal and it wasn't as good as he thought. Too bad for him...the grass isn't always greener

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is online now  
post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:22 PM
Member
 
Pluto2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4,608
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
Why do you need to be angry, it gave you what you needed to guarantee that you would not be interested in reconciling. In that regard, perhaps it was a good thing. The only reason you would be angry is if you were still thinking about reconciling after this happened.

It's pretty messed up that he starting seeing other women only days after you left. I think this was his main goal and it wasn't as good as he thought. Too bad for him...the grass isn't always greener
Just wanted to say I completely understand her questioning. We are programed by society and family, and religion to be devastated when our partner cheats. It is supposed to be heartbreaking. And if you learn about it, and you're not devastated then you wonder what's wrong with you.

Let me also add it has nothing nothing-nothing to do with your relationship in general. No it doesn't mean you never loved him, or that you checked out first (which matters to some folks). It means nothing more than at the time you discovered his extra-relationship activities, there was no relationship to salvage. Your heart knew that before it told your head. Even that awakening is hard for some to digest-as most of us know all too well.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
Pluto2 is offline  
post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:28 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Re: Am I foolish for not being more angry over this?

the clue is in your statement you moved out you were NOT together at that point.You released him into the wild and in a dazed and confused state he tried to find a new mate.But he tried to reclaim you.I would say give it one go but don't go through Hell if it isn't working you at least tried
david bardell is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I am angry! How to let it go? GA HEART General Relationship Discussion 17 02-13-2017 05:00 PM
Husband is annoyed and angry with me 3 or 4 times a week. Lilfairyash General Relationship Discussion 31 05-04-2016 01:34 PM
Husband always angry and treats me like a single parent mcl2014 The Ladies' Lounge 6 02-10-2016 01:10 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome