Entering Divorce proceedings - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:11 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

I agree with @Grapes. Adjust your thinking. Whether you get 50/50 isn't even up for debate. The only thing that should be up for debate is the schedule.

Personally, I really like the 1 week with mom, weekend with dad, following week with dad, weekend with mom type schedule. The kids are at one house for the entire school week and then have the weekend to settle in and spend with mom or dad before the next school week starts. Also, there is time over the weekend to retrieve any special blankies or teddy bears or favoritest shirts that may have been forgotten and to make a trip to the store for anything else before Monday morning mania.

If you think your STBXW won't be cooperative during custody negotiations, figure out a way to sell it to her. After all, 50% of the time the kids would be with you. This gives her time to develop hobbies, date, work extra hours, go out socially with friends, visit family, find herself as a single woman, etc.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #17 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by Grapes View Post


Brother! Please for your sake get an attitude adjustment on the bolded underlined above. You are the FATHER and have absolutely every single right to get 50% custody. You have every right your wife has. Just because you have a penis doesnt meant you get less access to the children.

Its not just an option!! Your attitude is to settle for nothing less then 50%. There is no negotiation period! (provided you haven't been abusive and are just a normal good father dude). There is nothing to be nervous about because you are the father and are going to get what is legally yours.

No knock on TAM at all but there is a site that does nothing but help fathers get the custody they deserve. I strongly suggest you check out the site. Its a no Bull**** place where people will offer up good advice to fathers only in custody cases and D. Its like TAM on the topic of infidelity.

PM me if you cant locate the forum and ill let you know. simple google search will find it.

good luck and keep us posted
I know I am just not familiar with the legal process and before my talk at work my hours wouldn't have been workable but they gave green light for me to work from home in mornings and then come into the office once I drop the children off in a before school program, my STBXW works from home with a lot of flexibility so if mediation doesn't work out and she makes it go to litigation I was not sure how a Judge would see that. I have seen some really really messy divorces and everyone loses so just trying to keep it as civil as possible obviously without giving anything up and being a doormat.

Just been really stressed but getting better, still got to agree custody plan, support, Alimon and all that fun stuff so lots of uncertainty but i am in a much better place than I was a couple months ago if it had happened then I was so depressed I would have put myself in a really bad position financially and in regards to child custody so glad my head is getting clearer each day, I just can't wait until all the legal stuff is out the way I am so out of my comfort Zone.

I found a site thanks will start reading up on the forums.

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #18 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
Nothing much to report today, feel good knowing Joint custody is an option but still nervous to bring it up in Mediation next week, also a little worried how she will take me buying her out the house if I ca n get cash together, I feel it would work best for all of us especially the kids and her but I have a feeling she won't like it.

Ended up having a dream about her last night(The sexy kind, my sexual frustration is sky high) and then woke up anxious about the future of running into her when she is dating other people, that is something I am not looking forward to at all.

Have a great Day all who read this.
After reading your other thread, I just want to chime in and say that you are handling this pretty well considering it just happened recently and that you are still living in the same house with a wife that has given you mixed messages. Only six weeks ago, you assumed that you are your wife would be married indefinitely.

I guess that right now, you are still in a state of shock. In the next few months, there will still be some very painful times. You will get through it.
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post #19 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
I agree with @Grapes. Adjust your thinking. Whether you get 50/50 isn't even up for debate. The only thing that should be up for debate is the schedule.

Personally, I really like the 1 week with mom, weekend with dad, following week with dad, weekend with mom type schedule. The kids are at one house for the entire school week and then have the weekend to settle in and spend with mom or dad before the next school week starts. Also, there is time over the weekend to retrieve any special blankies or teddy bears or favoritest shirts that may have been forgotten and to make a trip to the store for anything else before Monday morning mania.

If you think your STBXW won't be cooperative during custody negotiations, figure out a way to sell it to her. After all, 50% of the time the kids would be with you. This gives her time to develop hobbies, date, work extra hours, go out socially with friends, visit family, find herself as a single woman, etc.
This is the plan I thought made most sense to me also as it gives you a full week of normality and stability to settle in.

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #20 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by Steve1000 View Post
After reading your other thread, I just want to chime in and say that you are handling this pretty well considering it just happened recently and that you are still living in the same house with a wife that has given you mixed messages. Only six weeks ago, you assumed that you are your wife would be married indefinitely.

I guess that right now, you are still in a state of shock. In the next few months, there will still be some very painful times. You will get through it.
Maybe I hit the bottom so hard that the only way is back up for the time being and I'm sure once it is all done and over and we are living apart and the first night I dont have the kids that will be when it all hits me again and I hit my breaking point.

When it first came out I was so down on myself felt like a failure and lost all my confidence as a person but posting on here has been a huge help as has speaking to the few people I have told for work/financial reasons and people help build you back up a little at a time.

Also I think the Joint custody has been a huge wake up call and relief for me since I am very hand on with the Children.

M - 12
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post #21 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 05:04 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

As the divorce progresses it may get much harder to be in the same house. Is there any way that one of you can move out and rent for now?
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post #22 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 07:19 PM Thread Starter
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As the divorce progresses it may get much harder to be in the same house. Is there any way that one of you can move out and rent for now?
Not really I could but was advised not to for financial reasons and also want to keep house so would not be in my best interests to move. Mentally I am holding it together pretty well and just do my own thing so currently not a big deal but if things get to a bad point will look at her moving.
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post #23 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 10:06 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
Just need to get through these next few months and hope it doesn't get messy, any advice on living in the same house and co parenting while in the divorce process would be very much appreciated?
MF, my divorce finalized about 6 weeks ago. We were separated in the same house from January last year until September. Kids all adults, son in the house for the summer. So not the same as your situation but not totally different.

Don't take the bait. If she is trying to get you upset, just walk away. Even if she isn't trying to do it, if she does or says something which gets you emotionally off balance or angry, just leave the house. I took the dog for many long long walks!

Realize that even in an amicable divorce there are going to be conflicts. Have your lines in the sand (but don't tell her what they are in advance), and stick to them. Use other things as give-aways. If she wants the couch and you don't have a big emotional attachment to it, let her have it but use that as collateral against something you want. Don't fight over everything, but if she is picking you to pieces on little item at a time, you should hold your ground. Basically, don't let her walk all over you. Get what you want and need.

Expect surprises. For me there were a couple of items which were kind of nuclear fire. One I knew about, the other surprised me when she brought it up. You may have to walk away and come back some other time to discuss it. Or, you might decide to hold your ground on it right there. The point is, control your anger. Expect to be surprised at getting angry about something, and resolve today to keep it calm when that happens. You're going to be prickly about custody and about the house, but something for sure is going to come up and surprise you. Maybe it is the garden tools, maybe it is a painting a friend gave you. But it will happen.

Oh, talk to a lawyer asap. Even if you are going to do this mediated without lawyers arguing, you need to get a good consultation so you know how things work and what your rights are. You may need a lawyer to do some documents to be sure they are done properly. Even if you agree not to use lawyers to argue, it is smart to use a lawyer when the documents exceed your expertise.
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post #24 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 06:59 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
Not really I could but was advised not to for financial reasons and also want to keep house so would not be in my best interests to move. Mentally I am holding it together pretty well and just do my own thing so currently not a big deal but if things get to a bad point will look at her moving.
Don't ever move out till the divorce is final. That is one of the biggest mistakes that can be made. Check it this site and read the list and ask questions. These guys know what they are talking about and can really help you.
Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum ? Index page
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post #25 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 07:21 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by BURNT KEP View Post
Don't ever move out till the divorce is final. That is one of the biggest mistakes that can be made. Check it this site and read the list and ask questions. These guys know what they are talking about and can really help you.
Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum ? Index page
This is the site i was referring to in my post. wasn't sure if we could link to other sites so i didn't. Looks like we can.

Thank you for posting this.

Any man in D with custody issues should read and post there.

I would not recommend women going there and identifying as a women. You will be pretty quickly shot down. Its just the nature of the site and not personal.

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post #26 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 07:59 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

MF - hope your doing well. I just read your other thread and Im sorry you had to go through that. Theres not much worse then the push/pull from your SO like you expierenced. Is so confusing and causes such an emotional roller-coaster its unbearable. I've been there and can really relate.

She definitely sounds riddled with guilt from your other thread. There also seems to be a sense of manipulation on her part by strumming your heart strings. In D it will be vital for you to ignore this and not feed into any of it, recognize it for what it is but separate it from the D. There is no way to know her motives at this point. For instance; she will be pleasant with you today, throws you off balance, then tomorrow she wants 60/40 on the kids. You can bet your ass that she was nice yesterday to make that request today. watch out for that. If that starts happening then you KNOW she is playing you. Always check to see if her niceness is followed by a request.

You will read elsewhere that this is war. Amicable or not this will be war. Not that you need to be savage or mean but in a sense she is your opposition now and you'd be best suited to think like that. Strategically.

Aside from learning everything you can about your Laws (highly suggested) never ever ever give something up without getting something in return. Doesn't matter what it is, information, material items, documents, money etc etc. Negotiations 101.

Sign nothing unless a lawyer working for you has reviewed it.

Keep posting brother. We are in the same spot for different reasons but we will make it to the other side!
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post #27 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thor View Post
MF, my divorce finalized about 6 weeks ago. We were separated in the same house from January last year until September. Kids all adults, son in the house for the summer. So not the same as your situation but not totally different.

Don't take the bait. If she is trying to get you upset, just walk away. Even if she isn't trying to do it, if she does or says something which gets you emotionally off balance or angry, just leave the house. I took the dog for many long long walks!

Realize that even in an amicable divorce there are going to be conflicts. Have your lines in the sand (but don't tell her what they are in advance), and stick to them. Use other things as give-aways. If she wants the couch and you don't have a big emotional attachment to it, let her have it but use that as collateral against something you want. Don't fight over everything, but if she is picking you to pieces on little item at a time, you should hold your ground. Basically, don't let her walk all over you. Get what you want and need.

Expect surprises. For me there were a couple of items which were kind of nuclear fire. One I knew about, the other surprised me when she brought it up. You may have to walk away and come back some other time to discuss it. Or, you might decide to hold your ground on it right there. The point is, control your anger. Expect to be surprised at getting angry about something, and resolve today to keep it calm when that happens. You're going to be prickly about custody and about the house, but something for sure is going to come up and surprise you. Maybe it is the garden tools, maybe it is a painting a friend gave you. But it will happen.

Oh, talk to a lawyer asap. Even if you are going to do this mediated without lawyers arguing, you need to get a good consultation so you know how things work and what your rights are. You may need a lawyer to do some documents to be sure they are done properly. Even if you agree not to use lawyers to argue, it is smart to use a lawyer when the documents exceed your expertise.
@Thor, I can see us fighting over Alimony and I can see her making the 50/50 an issue and possibly me keeping the house and they are really the only 3 things I care about, the contents of the house i told her she can have since I want to get new stuff and make the house mine since she picked all the furniture and decorated everything.

Thanks for the advice.

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #28 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by BURNT KEP View Post
Don't ever move out till the divorce is final. That is one of the biggest mistakes that can be made. Check it this site and read the list and ask questions. These guys know what they are talking about and can really help you.
Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum ? Index page
@BURNT KEP I read the exact same stuff, luckily in my Haze I didn't manage to pull it together enough to get out, glad I can see a little clearer because I would have been taken for a fool and let it happen.

I joined that site yesterday on recommendation of @Grapes

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post #29 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by Grapes View Post
MF - hope your doing well. I just read your other thread and Im sorry you had to go through that. Theres not much worse then the push/pull from your SO like you expierenced. Is so confusing and causes such an emotional roller-coaster its unbearable. I've been there and can really relate.

She definitely sounds riddled with guilt from your other thread. There also seems to be a sense of manipulation on her part by strumming your heart strings. In D it will be vital for you to ignore this and not feed into any of it, recognize it for what it is but separate it from the D. There is no way to know her motives at this point. For instance; she will be pleasant with you today, throws you off balance, then tomorrow she wants 60/40 on the kids. You can bet your ass that she was nice yesterday to make that request today. watch out for that. If that starts happening then you KNOW she is playing you. Always check to see if her niceness is followed by a request.

You will read elsewhere that this is war. Amicable or not this will be war. Not that you need to be savage or mean but in a sense she is your opposition now and you'd be best suited to think like that. Strategically.

Aside from learning everything you can about your Laws (highly suggested) never ever ever give something up without getting something in return. Doesn't matter what it is, information, material items, documents, money etc etc. Negotiations 101.

Sign nothing unless a lawyer working for you has reviewed it.

Keep posting brother. We are in the same spot for different reasons but we will make it to the other side!
@Grapes, I will be continuing to post this is my therapy and support group

I think I am in a good mindset mostly calm but firm and focusing on end goal of getting house, 50/50 and not being lumped with a huge Alimony payment.

Next week I am sure is when things get a little messier during the first mediation and she hears my plans for first time.

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #30 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

@Grapes I had a question for you since you lived in same house for so long during divorce, did your wife continue to walk around naked in front of you and not think anything of it? I find it very odd since I moved to the spare room, lock the door to the bathroom etc to keep privacy since we are technically not a couple but she will walk in and use the bathroom or walk out after a bath with no clothes on to get a drink from the kitchen.

This is all stuff she has always done so nothing new so could just be habit and I am looking too much into it but doesn't seem like normal behavior to me.

What makes it really bad is she has an amazing body and I am frustrated as hell from lack of sex.

M - 12
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