Entering Divorce proceedings - Page 26 - Talk About Marriage
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post #376 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:22 PM Thread Starter
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Set good hard boundaries. It's fine letting the kids see their grandparents but you'll need to distance from that. Blood is always thicker than water.

Don't do shared holidays or go over for dinner. You may end up setting across from her other man.

Holidays, birthdays, etc should be separate. Do not do family dinners. You aren't family anymore.

Once she's out of the home I'd do a full purge of her things, especially pictures.

You'll move on and get a life of your own a lot faster that way.
That won't be a problem the grandparents are in another state so I doubt I will see them again as would have no reason to ever go to the town they live in, I just wanted to avoid any bad blood between us so the children don't hear bad things about either parent and make them feel like they need to take a side.

I already have plans to put all pictures in storage and remove all decor so I can start making house my own, I even plan to repaint a lot of areas even though picking the colors was about my only contribution to decorating the house LOL but I need to stop it being our house and make it my house.

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post #377 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:26 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

I'd recommend a tall long legged female interior designer to help you out.

The master bedroom would be a good place to start!!!!!
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post #378 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:28 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

I like leather furniture. It's tasteful and fashionable and makes cool sounds when you're rolling around on it.
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post #379 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:41 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
That won't be a problem the grandparents are in another state so I doubt I will see them again as would have no reason to ever go to the town they live in, I just wanted to avoid any bad blood between us so the children don't hear bad things about either parent and make them feel like they need to take a side.

I already have plans to put all pictures in storage and remove all decor so I can start making house my own, I even plan to repaint a lot of areas even though picking the colors was about my only contribution to decorating the house LOL but I need to stop it being our house and make it my house.
Why not start taking the pics down now?
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post #380 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:46 PM Thread Starter
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I'd recommend a tall long legged female interior designer to help you out.

The master bedroom would be a good place to start!!!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
I like leather furniture. It's tasteful and fashionable and makes cool sounds when you're rolling around on it.
LOL

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
That won't be a problem the grandparents are in another state so I doubt I will see them again as would have no reason to ever go to the town they live in, I just wanted to avoid any bad blood between us so the children don't hear bad things about either parent and make them feel like they need to take a side.

I already have plans to put all pictures in storage and remove all decor so I can start making house my own, I even plan to repaint a lot of areas even though picking the colors was about my only contribution to decorating the house LOL but I need to stop it being our house and make it my house.
Why not start taking the pics down now?
Because Currently everything is smooth and easy so just want to keep it that way and avoid any conflict until all over, me canceling cleaner since I didn't need one caused a shouting match so would rather not engage at all and just wait it out for a couple more months.
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post #381 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 06:01 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

One way to slip in the strong possibilty of an OM is to respond to questions about how it is going: So far the only real sticking point is about her wanting a very short time before introducing other men to our children.

Overnights with children in the home, is her family ok with that?

Finally, your in your children's home. Wow, you have no idea how important that is and will be to your children's mindset. Every thread I've read where the BH kept the house healed much quicker. That she is not fighting about this shouts limerance. This link has a great summary firt page http://joebeam.com/blog/limerence. This article offers insight into anger, that it is healthy and how to channel it https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...th-about-anger

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #382 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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One way to slip in the strong possibilty of an OM is to respond to questions about how it is going: So far the only real sticking point is about her wanting a very short time before introducing other men to our children.

Overnights with children in the home, is her family ok with that?

Finally, your in your children's home. Wow, you have no idea how important that is and will be to your children's mindset. Every thread I've read where the BH kept the house healed much quicker. That she is not fighting about this shouts limerance. This link has a great summary firt page http://joebeam.com/blog/limerence. This article offers insight into anger, that it is healthy and how to channel it https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...th-about-anger
Hey JohnA, she would not be able to afford the house so that is part of why no fighting but I did expect her to ask for more equity so we had to sell it because I didn't think she would like me keeping it but he and the mediator both agreed my offer was fair and it would be much healthier for the Children to retain some stability.

Her family would go with whatever she feels best they will not challenge her or I very much doubt they would. What is even weirder is she is a product of divorce and told me initially to not go introducing multiple partners to the Children because her Dad did that and it was hurtful but then goes and thinks 3 months is a reasonable time frame.

Thanks for the links.

Feeling pretty good again today, have IC and a workout to look forward to later.

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #383 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
Just reread this, I was definitely in shock at the time I broke down really bad after this many times over.

Just like to reread and see how I was to how I am doing, sometimes I don't even recognize myself in my writing and its like reading a strangers story.
It's good to see that you're still handling this as well as could be expected. Yes, the shock is lifting. Be prepared though that you'll still have some difficult days to get through after you thought that they were all behind you.
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post #384 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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It's good to see that you're still handling this as well as could be expected. Yes, the shock is lifting. Be prepared though that you'll still have some difficult days to get through after you thought that they were all behind you.
I am not sure I have been handling it well, would not advise anyone to do as I have

Just keep trying to take a day at a time and try to stop looking too far into the future, sometimes I succeed and often I fail.

M - 12
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post #385 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 08:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Another Ok/Good Night and feeling good again today.

Went to IC last night which was helpful, he basically told me to keep with a '180' although didn't use the same terminology.

We went through the stages of grief and I have been revolving through all of them, it is crazy how accurate this stuff is and he also mentioned he thinks I am depressed but I am not sure I agree I just told him I have a little brain fog and my concentration has been suffering but think it is more to do with having so much going on at one time.

He asked what my feelings were to my STBXW and I told him anger, frustration and disappointment so we went over why and he asked if I still loved her which shocked me a little and I had to tell him yes he said that is normal and OK as there is a lot of History.

So conclusion to session was we book more sessions and continue to work on detaching and cementing the mindset it is me and the Children and just focus on that part and not worry about anything she does anymore even though that will be hard to start.

I am hoping I don't suffer many more setbacks.


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post #386 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 05:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Another day down, she has been on my mind on occasion but not felt depressed, desperate or anxious just sad at the situation and how it has all happened.

Hopefully a fun filled weekend awaits me.

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post #387 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 12:35 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

You are doing well. I say this because you are taking the necessary steps to build a successful post divorce life, despite the emotional desire to fix the marriage. You are one of the rare one's. To often the BS freezes, allowing the WS who has an exit plan to take advantage of them.
There are bumps ahead. For example everyone needs to be friends for the health of the children. Answer, let's start az allies first. Let's agree our childen have one mother and on father. Others can be a mentor, uncle, teacher but not a parent and build from there.

Read the fiest 15 pages of this thread, I don't know what would be the right title. He hated acting quickly to protect himself, later he was grateful he done so. So keep pushing, especially on the spousal support. That is meant to help BOTH spouses till both recover. Getting your nails down, gym membership, trips are not necessary for day to day living. If she includes them fight it and include your own.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #388 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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You are doing well. I say this because you are taking the necessary steps to build a successful post divorce life, despite the emotional desire to fix the marriage. You are one of the rare one's. To often the BS freezes, allowing the WS who has an exit plan to take advantage of them.
There are bumps ahead. For example everyone needs to be friends for the health of the children. Answer, let's start az allies first. Let's agree our childen have one mother and on father. Others can be a mentor, uncle, teacher but not a parent and build from there.

Read the fiest 15 pages of this thread, I don't know what would be the right title. He hated acting quickly to protect himself, later he was grateful he done so. So keep pushing, especially on the spousal support. That is meant to help BOTH spouses till both recover. Getting your nails down, gym membership, trips are not necessary for day to day living. If she includes them fight it and include your own.
I am doing what is necessary I strongly feel a bad divorce settlement will drastically lengthen the healing and moving on process, I do still have feelings and wish it did not have to be like this but there is not option for me they were all taken away. I am Dreading the mediation tomorrow there is so much stress involved it makes my stomach knot from anxiety and makes it hard to sleep well, I was awake this morning at 3am already dreading it.
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post #389 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 08:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Ok, Wish me Luck for today's mediation!!!! If anyone can send some good thoughts over it would be appreciated.

M - 12
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post #390 of 673 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 09:51 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Good luck, MF. Stay cool and calm. Don't get emotional. It will just go downhill from there an she will get the upper hand.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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