Entering Divorce proceedings - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
@BURNT KEP I read the exact same stuff, luckily in my Haze I didn't manage to pull it together enough to get out, glad I can see a little clearer because I would have been taken for a fool and let it happen.

I joined that site yesterday on recommendation of @Grapes
They will tell you there to settle custody first and nothing less then 50 50.

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post #32 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:15 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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They will tell you there to settle custody first and nothing less then 50 50.
Which is exactly what he should do
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post #33 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Which is exactly what he should do
I will be getting 50/50, will make sure of it

M - 12
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post #34 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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@Grapes I had a question for you since you lived in same house for so long during divorce, did your wife continue to walk around naked in front of you and not think anything of it? I find it very odd since I moved to the spare room, lock the door to the bathroom etc to keep privacy since we are technically not a couple but she will walk in and use the bathroom or walk out after a bath with no clothes on to get a drink from the kitchen.

This is all stuff she has always done so nothing new so could just be habit and I am looking too much into it but doesn't seem like normal behavior to me.

What makes it really bad is she has an amazing body and I am frustrated as hell from lack of sex.
Well - weve been under the same roof for a while now but she's a bat **** crazy cheating pos. There is no nakedness. Instead of nakedness I get her hovering over me staring at me in my sleep. Id prefer the nakedness.

That behavior seems extremely odd. Had she not filed and asked you to sign everything my opinion would be different. but she filed. She wants D. She is taking your mind out of the game. Throwing you off balance. I cant help but think its just more of a manipulation tactic. When this happens - is it followed by a request hours/next day?

If it makes you uncomfortable then tell her it is inappropriate. Tell her that with the pending D it is inappropriate for her to be around you naked, and you would prefer her to be clothed at all times when she is around you. If you say that - watch her be completely floored that you would EVER say it. It will be a shot to her ego. The reality though - tolerating it only keeps you wanting more and not detaching.

Your goal = Custody and detaching.

Her goal = Bolded above, and its working
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post #35 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Well - weve been under the same roof for a while now but she's a bat **** crazy cheating pos. There is no nakedness. Instead of nakedness I get her hovering over me staring at me in my sleep. Id prefer the nakedness.

That behavior seems extremely odd. Had she not filed and asked you to sign everything my opinion would be different. but she filed. She wants D. She is taking your mind out of the game. Throwing you off balance. I cant help but think its just more of a manipulation tactic. When this happens - is it followed by a request hours/next day?
If it makes you uncomfortable then tell her it is inappropriate. Tell her that with the pending D it is inappropriate for her to be around you naked, and you would prefer her to be clothed at all times when she is around you. If you say that - watch her be completely floored that you would EVER say it. It will be a shot to her ego. The reality though - tolerating it only keeps you wanting more and not detaching.

Your goal = Custody and detaching.

Her goal = Bolded above, and its working
No it is a daily thing and no requests ever come from it.

The hovering over staring sounds very uncomfortable LOL I'm glad I just get the nakedness.

M - 12
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post #36 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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@C3156 did you use a Divorce support group? I did a search on DivorceCare and there are a few groups in the area but only at the local Churches, if you went how was your experience?
I did go to one of the DivorceCare groups and they are all hosted by a church. It was good to interact with people that were going through some of the same experience as myself and be able to know I was not alone. I am not a huge church person so some of the message filtered in biblical terms did not mean much to me, but some of the coping mechanisms were helpful. I had an amiable divorce compared to a lot of people there, so I counted myself lucky.

I have not read all of your previous post, but you sound like you are in the same boat as I was. Wife decided to end the marriage after dangling a carrot of possible reconciliation. Been there, done that. I also bought my ex out of the house. I can't say that was the best decision that I ever made. Yes, I loved the house, but after she was gone, the house was haunted with all the memories we had created and the lingering hopes and dreams we had discussed.

I ended up selling the house and buying a new house to become my home. A fresh start for a new life. For me, it was good to break the knot that connected me to my children's mother. I was sad to see it go, but the new location ended up being a great place for my kids, with a bunch of friends in the neighborhood. Plus a bunch of new neighbors that knew nothing about what happened and I could move on.

You are in a tough spot, but as long as things are amiable, hopefully you and your stbx can work through things. Mine had a pretty good head and at least wanted to work together to still raise our kids. It was a bitter pill to swallow for a while, but I put on my game face. Several years later, the kids are doing great and going off to college. Life has moved on as well personally.
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post #37 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
I had a question for you since you lived in same house for so long during divorce, did your wife continue to walk around naked in front of you and not think anything of it? I find it very odd since I moved to the spare room, lock the door to the bathroom etc to keep privacy since we are technically not a couple but she will walk in and use the bathroom or walk out after a bath with no clothes on to get a drink from the kitchen.

This is all stuff she has always done so nothing new so could just be habit and I am looking too much into it but doesn't seem like normal behavior to me.

What makes it really bad is she has an amazing body and I am frustrated as hell from lack of sex.
My ex did the same thing, like nothing was happening, very frustrating sexually. Got to the point I was feeling chafed from going out with Rosy Palmer to much, lol.

Remember, this is not your wife any longer, it is just a person that you are completing a business deal. Try to keep your feelings and emotions out of it to the best of your ability.
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post #38 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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I did go to one of the DivorceCare groups and they are all hosted by a church. It was good to interact with people that were going through some of the same experience as myself and be able to know I was not alone. I am not a huge church person so some of the message filtered in biblical terms did not mean much to me, but some of the coping mechanisms were helpful. I had an amiable divorce compared to a lot of people there, so I counted myself lucky.

I have not read all of your previous post, but you sound like you are in the same boat as I was. Wife decided to end the marriage after dangling a carrot of possible reconciliation. Been there, done that. I also bought my ex out of the house. I can't say that was the best decision that I ever made. Yes, I loved the house, but after she was gone, the house was haunted with all the memories we had created and the lingering hopes and dreams we had discussed.

I ended up selling the house and buying a new house to become my home. A fresh start for a new life. For me, it was good to break the knot that connected me to my children's mother. I was sad to see it go, but the new location ended up being a great place for my kids, with a bunch of friends in the neighborhood. Plus a bunch of new neighbors that knew nothing about what happened and I could move on.

You are in a tough spot, but as long as things are amiable, hopefully you and your stbx can work through things. Mine had a pretty good head and at least wanted to work together to still raise our kids. It was a bitter pill to swallow for a while, but I put on my game face. Several years later, the kids are doing great and going off to college. Life has moved on as well personally.
Glad to hear it worked out for you in the end.

We have only been in the new house shortish time frame so some memories but once redecorated and new furniture should become my own(Hopefully), some decent neighbors and lots of friends on street for kids so think keeping house will benefit them also to keep some stability in there lives during the transition.

M - 12
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post #39 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 10:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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My ex did the same thing, like nothing was happening, very frustrating sexually. Got to the point I was feeling chafed from going out with Rosy Palmer to much, lol.

Remember, this is not your wife any longer, it is just a person that you are completing a business deal. Try to keep your feelings and emotions out of it to the best of your ability.
Glad I am not the only one

M - 12
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post #40 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:24 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Do YOU ever walk around naked? If not and you don't feel like confronting, then just start randomly walking around naked. It will be amusing and send a message that she's being ridiculous.


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post #41 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Do YOU ever walk around naked? If not and you don't feel like confronting, then just start randomly walking around naked. It will be amusing and send a message that she's being ridiculous.


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Not anymore but might be an amusing way to pass the time, get home from work strip off and walk around rest of evening with my piece swinging

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post #42 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 01:07 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
Do YOU ever walk around naked? If not and you don't feel like confronting, then just start randomly walking around naked. It will be amusing and send a message that she's being ridiculous.


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Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
Not anymore but might be an amusing way to pass the time, get home from work strip off and walk around rest of evening with my piece swinging

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #43 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Which is exactly what he should do
They also say meditation is a waste of time if you can't sit at a table and hammer out a deal on your own. Just don't expect to much from it and don't get pressured in to a deal that does not work for you.
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post #44 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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They also say meditation is a waste of time if you can't sit at a table and hammer out a deal on your own. Just don't expect to much from it and don't get pressured in to a deal that does not work for you.
I wont be doing that, I see only issue being Alimony realistically since no real formulae in my state and can be left to judge to decide, Child support has a state formula and regarding custody I have been doing a ton of reading and everything points towards almost guaranteed 50/50 providing no obvious exclusions such as violence, drugs, alcoholism and none of these apply to my situation.

So providing we can agree on Alimony the rest should be plain sailing(Fingers and toes Crossed)

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post #45 of 626 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 06:33 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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@Thor, I can see us fighting over Alimony and I can see her making the 50/50 an issue and possibly me keeping the house and they are really the only 3 things I care about, the contents of the house i told her she can have since I want to get new stuff and make the house mine since she picked all the furniture and decorated everything.

Thanks for the advice.
Yes, but ... the contents of the house have a real monetary value. Even more so from the standpoint of you having to buy new stuff. Just a few things for the kitchen can cost a hundred $. New trash cans for the bathrooms $10 or $20 each. New towels. New plates, forks & knives. It adds up really really fast. Since you don't really care about a lot of the objects themselves, use them as bargaining chips. Don't just give them away for nothing. Tell her it is going to cost you thousands to replace all that little stuff.

Alimony may be a fairly simple formula in your state, but there is always the issue of fairness. Plus you might negotiate for some kind of up front lump sum payout rather than making monthly payments for the next umpteen years.

Beware the complexities of calculating values for things like the house and 401k. Consider all the costs of buying/selling/mortgaging a house. Consider taxes on the retirement account which makes the current value actually less than it looks like. Don't exchange, for example, $100k in the 401k for $100k in a regular investment account. This is where your lawyer earns his money, figuring what those things are really worth.
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