Entering Divorce proceedings - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:50 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

MovingForward - have you noticed a dynamic here? On February 17 you wrote this in your first thread:

So driving back from the mediator I tell her I am visiting a new counselor next week and it was one she had heard good things about, he specializes in Counseling men and also emotionally reconnecting couple I told her I have booked a individual session but if she wanted we could change it to a Joint session WRONG MOVE she tells me she doesn't want to be married and she is not in love with me and just wants to be happy and that's not with me.

Counseling was your idea and it was rejected.

Now she wants to go to marriage counseling but still keep her options open with the mediator.

Her head is a big bag of cats all clawing to get out and do.... that which she does not know.

OP she has self image problems, self esteem problems, probable depression and who knows what else.

Ultimately, you are the one who will be required to make the decision. She is incapable of doing so herself.

Are you up to the task?


Last edited by Absurdist; 03-06-2017 at 04:51 PM. Reason: lousy spelling
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post #77 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:53 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Thanks. This is actually a good answer. There comes a point where YOU need to make decisions. Yes, even an unsure one.

You say you can't take it, but will for the kids.
You say you can't take it, but will for your wife.

It is okay to put yourself first sometimes, even if it seems wrong. I'm not assessing blame, I'm pointing out indecision. You are letting her dictate everything right now.
She was sure enough to set up mediation and meet you on the court steps. She told you no on counseling as Absurdist just reminded me. If anything, I'd wait until mediation to do any marriage counseling because I've watched too many spouses lambasted later on.
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post #78 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 05:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by Absurdist View Post
MovingForward - have you noticed a dynamic here? On February 17 you wrote this in your first thread:

So driving back from the mediator I tell her I am visiting a new counselor next week and it was one she had heard good things about, he specializes in Counseling men and also emotionally reconnecting couple I told her I have booked a individual session but if she wanted we could change it to a Joint session WRONG MOVE she tells me she doesn't want to be married and she is not in love with me and just wants to be happy and that's not with me.

Counseling was your idea and it was rejected.

Now she wants to go to marriage counseling but still keep her options open with the mediator.

Her head is a big bag of cats all clawing to get out and do.... that which she does not know.

OP she has self image problems, self esteem problems, probable depression and who knows what else.

Ultimately, you are the one who will be required to make the decision. She is incapable of doing so herself.

Are you up to the task?
I really don't know what I am up for, this is so mentally and emotionally taxing i really don't know what to think, the moment i let my guard down for a second or think about the situation its just ruins me. Just been out for a few drinks and was not a good idea.

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post #79 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 05:35 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Limbo ends when you decide it ends.

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"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #80 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 05:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by phillybeffandswiss View Post
Thanks. This is actually a good answer. There comes a point where YOU need to make decisions. Yes, even an unsure one.

You say you can't take it, but will for the kids.
You say you can't take it, but will for your wife.

It is okay to put yourself first sometimes, even if it seems wrong. I'm not assessing blame, I'm pointing out indecision. You are letting her dictate everything right now.
She was sure enough to set up mediation and meet you on the court steps. She told you no on counseling as Absurdist just reminded me. If anything, I'd wait until mediation to do any marriage counseling because I've watched too many spouses lambasted later on.
I know even when I feel like I am acting/being strong I am still showing weakness.

Regarding mediation I think she feels she is going to go in and take everything she wants, large child support, large alimony, big payout, 80% custody etc. and when that does not happen(hopefully) I do not want that to affect her decision or make her take a step back and regroup to get better prepared in future. As someone said earlier on this thread could be in the same situation in 12 month so wanted her to either fully commit before we go or its done and I can't turn back but I really don't think I want that.

I do still love her but this situation has put me with my back against the wall, I feel like I need to get out and look after myself and then once all the legal stuff is out the way could potentially look at talking again, I just don't know things change so fast and my heads all messed up, I can spend entire day feeling great and then I just plummet to rock bottom out of nowhere. I want to be with her and the thought of her moving on with someone else or the kids having a step dad in the future just crushes me. Hope these phases become less and less common its so overwhelming.

I have to call shortly to talk to children so i guess I will know where this is heading tonight.

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post #81 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 05:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Limbo ends when you decide it ends.
That is the truth just takes some balls to make it and I have not quite got them hanging low enough

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post #82 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 05:54 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Guard your own interests. MC could be a softening up strategy to get you to go along with a divorce settlement favorable to her. I don't think you should be doing both mediation and MC at the same time. Mediation involves conflict and emotional distress even when it goes well. You cannot be generous and loving in mediation, yet MC has the goal of you both being more generous and loving towards each other.
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post #83 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Guard your own interests. MC could be a softening up strategy to get you to go along with a divorce settlement favorable to her. I don't think you should be doing both mediation and MC at the same time. Mediation involves conflict and emotional distress even when it goes well. You cannot be generous and loving in mediation, yet MC has the goal of you both being more generous and loving towards each other.
This is exactly what I told her, if we are doing MC we need to be 100% committed to MC or it is waste of time, mediation is a business meeting both looking out for our own best interests so two entirely contradictory goals that cannot work in conjunction together.

I want to be ready to give up but i have a tiny little piece of me that is not quite ready and I wish it would go F itself, I can go almost all day happy and ready to move on and this little doubt comes back and haunts me, not sure if it is fear, grief, breaking up family, children, uncertainty but its there and won't stop reappearing.

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post #84 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:01 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
I really don't know what I am up for, this is so mentally and emotionally taxing i really don't know what to think, the moment i let my guard down for a second or think about the situation its just ruins me. Just been out for a few drinks and was not a good idea.
If you tell her no to MC will she fight to save the marriage or just say ok let's continue the divorce?

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #85 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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If you tell her no to MC will she fight to save the marriage or just say ok let's continue the divorce?
I wish I knew that answer, I have given an ultimatum on MC so I will be finding out at some point today. Really not sure if the answer will give me relief or not.

I would never wish the pain of divorce on anyone it is just torturous and from what i have read on this forum my situation is relatively tame compared with a lot of other.


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post #86 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:16 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
It really is down to trust I would love to turn back the clock but cannot see how that trust can ever be repaired.

Honestly I dont think I will ever truly trust any one ever again and that is not a healthy mindset to future relationships but that is really where I am at!!!!
I can completely relate brother! Im there with you myself!
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post #87 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:17 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

You can't make her do anything as you've found. You need to go your own way. Quit letting your weakness for her define you.

People will treat you like you let them. Go full bore for the D. You'd better get strong and protect your finances. Do not give anything more than the law will allow. Less if you can. Long term it's all about finances. No one is going to look after you or fix this. You have to do it.

Read up and apply it. You're lingering in a self imposed limbo.
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post #88 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:18 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

May I suggest one possibility, @MovingForward ?

Maybe it is not the real HER that you want to be with--the woman she truly is, how she acts, how she treats you, etc--but the "ideal her" that you wish she was.

Could that be possible?

Because the woman she truly is, does not treat you with kindness, gentleness, thoughtfulness, patience, peacefulness, goodness or faithfulness. The woman she truly is has hurt you irrepairably and doesn't care. The woman she truly is has dropped a bomb and exploded this family and doesn't care. The woman she truly is has manipulated you from day one, emotionally abused you, and attempted to control you through her manipulation and abuse! The woman she truly is has been unfaithful in body and mind.

BUT the woman you wish she was treats you with love, cares for you, is a good mother, and is a good wife.

I propose that the person you want...what you SO DEEPLY LONG FOR... is not who she truly is, but rather who you wish she would be!!


Further, right now she knows that she "has the reigns" because you hope she'll do better and "mean it this time"... so she keeps laying out the bait and hooking you, and you keep walking right into her trap. THIS TIME, instead of falling for her bait (aka "Let's go to MC!") may I recommend that you decline that offer? You can choose to stop taking the bait, you know.

Instead of taking the bait, how about if you take the reigns of your own life back and say that you choose to continue with the mediation...and in the back of your head you say "I am willing to observe for the next six months and objectively observe if anything about her changes or improves. I will let her ACTIONS show me if she has had a change of heart. And in 6 months if I do not see a change in her actions--by then the divorce will be far enough along I can choose to just let it finalize."?

Hey I am a big supporter of keeping marriages together where there are children involved, and I truly believe in honoring promises! In your instance, I believe if she does not want the mediation, her ACTIONS have to change, from her heart. She has to become a different person. I personally do not hold out a lot of hope of that happening, but if you want to give her to time to show you BY HER ACTIONS that something inside her has fundamentally changed...then take some time. It won't hurt. BUT something inside her has to fundamentally change in order for things to be different here.

Right now, what I see is someone who does not want to experience the natural consequence of their choices. SHE destroyed the family and living without "hurts her" so she is squirming. I do not see someone who has gone to tons of personal IC and changed, or gone to recovery and changed, or had a true religious experience and changed...and if she has not changed, then that means things will "be the way they've always been."

Is that what you want? If your answer is no, then continue with the mediation.

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post #89 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by Grapes View Post
I can completely relate brother! Im there with you myself!
And it SUCKS

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post #90 of 217 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
You can't make her do anything as you've found. You need to go your own way. Quit letting your weakness for her define you.

People will treat you like you let them. Go full bore for the D. You'd better get strong and protect your finances. Do not give anything more than the law will allow. Less if you can. Long term it's all about finances. No one is going to look after you or fix this. You have to do it.

Read up and apply it. You're lingering in a self imposed limbo.
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LEV...ayOBYvZH4eN5s-
Yes this is the truth the fully accepting its done is the final piece and just trying to let go.

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