May I suggest one possibility, @MovingForward
Maybe it is not the real HER that you want to be with--the woman she truly is, how she acts, how she treats you, etc--but the "ideal her" that you wish she was.
Could that be possible?
Because the woman she truly is, does not treat you with kindness, gentleness, thoughtfulness, patience, peacefulness, goodness or faithfulness. The woman she truly is has hurt you irrepairably and doesn't care. The woman she truly is has dropped a bomb and exploded this family and doesn't care. The woman she truly is has manipulated you from day one, emotionally abused you, and attempted to control you through her manipulation and abuse! The woman she truly is has been unfaithful in body and mind.
BUT the woman you wish she was treats you with love, cares for you, is a good mother, and is a good wife.
I propose that the person you want...what you SO DEEPLY LONG FOR... is not who she truly is, but rather who you wish she would be!!
Further, right now she knows that she "has the reigns" because you hope she'll do better and "mean it this time"... so she keeps laying out the bait and hooking you, and you keep walking right into her trap. THIS TIME, instead of falling for her bait (aka "Let's go to MC!") may I recommend that you decline that offer? You can choose to stop taking the bait, you know.
Instead of taking the bait, how about if you take the reigns of your own life back and say that you choose to continue with the mediation...and in the back of your head you say "I am willing to observe
for the next six months and objectively observe if anything about her changes or improves. I will let her ACTIONS show me if she has had a change of heart. And in 6 months if I do not see a change in her actions--by then the divorce will be far enough along I can choose to just let it finalize."?
Hey I am a big supporter of keeping marriages together where there are children involved, and I truly believe in honoring promises! In your
instance, I believe if she does not want the mediation, her ACTIONS have to change, from her heart. She has to become a different person. I personally do not hold out a lot of hope of that happening, but if you want to give her to time to show you BY HER ACTIONS that something inside her has fundamentally changed...then take some time. It won't hurt. BUT something inside her has to fundamentally change in order for things to be different here.
Right now, what I see is someone who does not want to experience the natural consequence of their choices. SHE destroyed the family and living without "hurts her" so she is squirming. I do not see someone who has gone to tons of personal IC and changed, or gone to recovery and changed, or had a true religious experience and changed...and if she has not changed, then that means things will "be the way they've always been."
Is that what you want? If your answer is no, then continue with the mediation.