Entering Divorce proceedings - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post
May I suggest one possibility, @MovingForward ?

Maybe it is not the real HER that you want to be with--the woman she truly is, how she acts, how she treats you, etc--but the "ideal her" that you wish she was.

Could that be possible?

Because the woman she truly is, does not treat you with kindness, gentleness, thoughtfulness, patience, peacefulness, goodness or faithfulness. The woman she truly is has hurt you irrepairably and doesn't care. The woman she truly is has dropped a bomb and exploded this family and doesn't care. The woman she truly is has manipulated you from day one, emotionally abused you, and attempted to control you through her manipulation and abuse! The woman she truly is has been unfaithful in body and mind.

BUT the woman you wish she was treats you with love, cares for you, is a good mother, and is a good wife.

I propose that the person you want...what you SO DEEPLY LONG FOR... is not who she truly is, but rather who you wish she would be!!


Further, right now she knows that she "has the reigns" because you hope she'll do better and "mean it this time"... so she keeps laying out the bait and hooking you, and you keep walking right into her trap. THIS TIME, instead of falling for her bait (aka "Let's go to MC!") may I recommend that you decline that offer? You can choose to stop taking the bait, you know.

Instead of taking the bait, how about if you take the reigns of your own life back and say that you choose to continue with the mediation...and in the back of your head you say "I am willing to observe for the next six months and objectively observe if anything about her changes or improves. I will let her ACTIONS show me if she has had a change of heart. And in 6 months if I do not see a change in her actions--by then the divorce will be far enough along I can choose to just let it finalize."?

Hey I am a big supporter of keeping marriages together where there are children involved, and I truly believe in honoring promises! In your instance, I believe if she does not want the mediation, her ACTIONS have to change, from her heart. She has to become a different person. I personally do not hold out a lot of hope of that happening, but if you want to give her to time to show you BY HER ACTIONS that something inside her has fundamentally changed...then take some time. It won't hurt. BUT something inside her has to fundamentally change in order for things to be different here.

Right now, what I see is someone who does not want to experience the natural consequence of their choices. SHE destroyed the family and living without "hurts her" so she is squirming. I do not see someone who has gone to tons of personal IC and changed, or gone to recovery and changed, or had a true religious experience and changed...and if she has not changed, then that means things will "be the way they've always been."

Is that what you want? If your answer is no, then continue with the mediation.
You might be correct on every point, what has gotten me to the place of being somewhat OK is focusing on the bad points she offers and all the good points I have and what I bring to the relationship and what I dont receive in return. It has just been an emotional roller coaster that I was thrown on without warning and it really affected my mental state at times, the feeling of rejection and being unwanted and having no value was a big kick in the ego. I wish the normal and rational me could read my thread and offer some advice without the emotions I have running through me and tell me what to do also.
A judge can sign off on our divorce before May providing everything is settled.


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post #92 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:38 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Your actions or lack of action allows you to be played. Can you not see this?

Weakness is very unnattractive and just lowers your status. Plus it allows her to play you. Quit being a puppet on a string.

Better wake up!!!!!
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post #93 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Your actions or lack of action allows you to be played. Can you not see this?

Weakness is very unnattractive and just lowers your status. Plus it allows her to play you. Quit being a puppet on a string.

Better wake up!!!!!


Just easier said than done, getting better though a few weeks back I was an absolute embarrassment to myself and probably look back on myself in another couple weeks and think the same about me in this moment.

Appreciate your feedback and tough love as always

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post #94 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:53 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

So... protect yourself either way.

Think about a postnup if you decide to R. That way you lock in an agreement and you know she's not playing you for more after she gets her ducks lined up better.

I suspect she'll freak if you bring that up but then you'll know how she sees you


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post #95 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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So... protect yourself either way.

Think about a postnup if you decide to R. That way you lock in an agreement and you know she's not playing you for more after she gets her ducks lined up better.

I suspect she'll freak if you bring that up but then you'll know how she sees you


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Dam that is a great idea I had never even heard of one of those, quick google search and it is all there, thanks so much.

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post #96 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:55 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post


Just easier said than done, getting better though a few weeks back I was an absolute embarrassment to myself and probably look back on myself in another couple weeks and think the same about me in this moment.

Appreciate your feedback and tough love as always
Most things worthwhile are hard. You could get this done. All you're doing now is a self imposed limbo. It is your call and you know better.
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post #97 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:01 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Regarding the postop, other posters have mentioned to put in a clause saying if the wayward cheats again then they get nothing. I don't know if that's enforceable or not. I suppose you could associate it with some sort of document about in the past indiscretions and also indicate that any new revelations about past indiscretions not previously disclosed would also apply. Idk but worth a bluff anyway. I suspect that would alarm anyone who was holding back dark secrets.


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post #98 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:16 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
Regarding the postop, other posters have mentioned to put in a clause saying if the wayward cheats again then they get nothing. I don't know if that's enforceable or not. I suppose you could associate it with some sort of document about in the past indiscretions and also indicate that any new revelations about past indiscretions not previously disclosed would also apply. Idk but worth a bluff anyway. I suspect that would alarm anyone who was holding back dark secrets.


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Thanks.
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post #99 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:09 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Hi,

somerhing or some outsde party is driving this. Until it is revealed the marriage is untenable. You need to speak to an attorney, period. The mediator is only seeking to find an acceptable contractual agreement between two parties, not in reaching a fair agreement. Not consulting an attorney at this time is like walking into a major sales call totally unaware of the clients type of business, financial situation, or how you and your company can help them let alone payed. This site is good for finding rough guidelines State Specific Divorce and Custody Information - Divorce Source

This site will help you professionally, with friends, and with close relationships Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

This book "7 habits of highly effective people" got me out of hell. https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits.php. His exampe of a filling a 5 gallon jar was inspiring. In essence it is about choose goals, and how to use time management to achieve them.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #100 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Need clarification: why the comments about infidelity? Why is the topic of R coming up? R has nothing to do with MovingForward. His wife has chosen, finish it. When the settlement is reached and she has gone to IC, and MC on her own then reconsider.

Finally, stay in the house! Buy her out, find a way. If not find housing in the children school district and within the children's social circle. Courts look to maintaining children's stability. It is at the core of "best interests".


How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #101 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Need clarification: why the comments about infidelity? Why is the topic of R coming up? R has nothing to do with MovingForward. His wife has chosen, finish it. When the settlement is reached and she has gone to IC, and MC on her own then reconsider.

Finally, stay in the house! Buy her out, find a way. If not find housing in the children school district and within the children's social circle. Courts look to maintaining children's stability. It is at the core of "best interests".
I full intend to stay in the house and buy her out providing she is reasonable about how much that equity is.

So far still not had any confirmation of infidelity and I may be naive but I still don't think she has, not too many occasions it could happen. She still wants to do MC even today but is also still set on meeting a the mediator in case it doesn't work out which to me is defeatist.

Today has been a bad day for me, feeling very depressed.

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post #102 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
Hi,

somerhing or some outsde party is driving this. Until it is revealed the marriage is untenable. You need to speak to an attorney, period. The mediator is only seeking to find an acceptable contractual agreement between two parties, not in reaching a fair agreement. Not consulting an attorney at this time is like walking into a major sales call totally unaware of the clients type of business, financial situation, or how you and your company can help them let alone payed. This site is good for finding rough guidelines State Specific Divorce and Custody Information - Divorce Source

This site will help you professionally, with friends, and with close relationships Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

This book "7 habits of highly effective people" got me out of hell. https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits.php. His exampe of a filling a 5 gallon jar was inspiring. In essence it is about choose goals, and how to use time management to achieve them.
I feel divorced friends giving wrong encouragement but who knows.

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post #103 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Today is a tough day and no particular reason why.

Had a few days of feeling hopeful but somehow getting images in my head of her with someone else keeps popping up and it is bothering me a lot, also looking way too far into the future and worrying about another guy moving in with the Children.

I really wish I would see the different scenarios in the future and what I need to do for the best one for me, confusion is making it hard to think straight on one hand I really want to stay together and throw myself into MC with her and on there other side I cannot disrespect myself like that and allow her to control this process and just go along for the ride and wait for her to decide what to do so I end up stuck in no mans land sometimes.

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post #104 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
I feel divorced friends giving wrong encouragement but who knows.
What kinds of advice are they giving you?

On the topic of R, as I wrote before I can't imagine a MC wanting to see the two of you if she's still pushing things forward with the divorce (i.e. meeting with a mediator). That sounds more like discernment counseling where the two of you would work to figure out how and why things went wrong.

Has she told you what she wants from MC? Is it reconciliation or discernment?
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post #105 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 04:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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What kinds of advice are they giving you?

On the topic of R, as I wrote before I can't imagine a MC wanting to see the two of you if she's still pushing things forward with the divorce (i.e. meeting with a mediator). That sounds more like discernment counseling where the two of you would work to figure out how and why things went wrong.

Has she told you what she wants from MC? Is it reconciliation or discernment?
I was referring to her friends maybe since Johna mentioned an outside driving force, I dont know honestly.

I agree for me MC has to be 100% all in, they conflict MC works to bring you back together and Mediation works to seperate your lives and assets.

She told me after 12 years she is conflicted so wants to give it a chance to see if she can open back up to me for R.

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